My partner watches porn

[Musiclovingmum]

I have been with my partner for over a year now. We live together now, and I've always had a high sex drive so we have sex pretty much every day, some days more than once.

I have recently found out he has also been watching porn to sort himself out. He watches mature porn and BBW porn. I'm only 26 and he's 30, and I'm slim. He doesn't know I know yet or my feelings about it.

I just don't understand why he needs to watch other women online to get off when he can have it with anytime. I think it makes it worse that the women are completely the opposite to me.

Honest opinions before I speak to him, am I just overreacting about it?

‘Even those whose issue is ethical regarding the treatment of women and knock on effect to what is expected of women sexually, rather than jealousy or insecurity? It's a nuanced argument which may indicate those who simply think it's always about jealousy need to grow up... 'lol'.’

I think Gemma has zero to no understanding of the abu since images the pirn industry distributes the abuse and coercion of women and girls and why many women object to them . Either she is uneducated or doesn’t t care
To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if he lack of empathy came from a place of not caring . After all porn does teach that very thing . To see women as objects rather than people and to not care about their abuse or emotions . Those who watch it , men or women cannot get off on and be enjoying supporting complies that abuse women whilst simultaneously claiming to care about these issues .

Gemma, everyone has their own boundaries, for some it might be excessively drinking, others it might be gambling, others it might be drugs, others it might be sexting or obsessively commenting on other women’s FB pages— just accept that for some women it’s porn— they don’t want it in a relationship either not at all or anything more than ‘occasionally’ , they find it a turn off, it gives them the ick. I’m in my 50s , a lot of women my age haven’t grown up with it being a subject of ‘lol’ and we really find it offensive if used a lot within a relationship- just accept that.

Oh and we mustn’t embarrass someone by ‘bringing it up’ . Fuck that!! If im fannying around doing someone’s cooking, washing, life laundry- — and have been for years then I feel entitled to mention if someone’s porn use isn’t ok by me

@Countingthebeat

‘Even those whose issue is ethical regarding the treatment of women and knock on effect to what is expected of women sexually, rather than jealousy or insecurity? It's a nuanced argument which may indicate those who simply think it's always about jealousy need to grow up... 'lol'.’

I think Gemma has zero to no understanding of the abu since images the pirn industry distributes the abuse and coercion of women and girls and why many women object to them . Either she is uneducated or doesn’t t care
To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if he lack of empathy came from a place of not caring . After all porn does teach that very thing . To see women as objects rather than people and to not care about their abuse or emotions . Those who watch it , men or women cannot get off on and be enjoying supporting complies that abuse women whilst simultaneously claiming to care about these issues .

True. I feel sorry for @Gemma5225 for a multitude of reasons that she would perceive as insults or me being old fashioned.

I'm 33, I love sex, I am bisexual. I'm not old fashioned. I'm informed and intellectually curious. That's not a critique of anyone's formal education (I'm a foster care, state school, grafted to get to uni as that was my personal goal), I'm talking about whether or not someone wants to learn about things or just make presumptions.

Based on her contributions she isn't informed or intellectually curious and thinks that saying 'lol' makes her look clever and cool. It doesn't.

Heartening to be honest to see some posters understanding the difference between being a 'prude' and being a misogynist - whether male or female.

Typo, meant to say "foster care kid"

[quote EarthSight]@Anothernick

we don't expect or want our DP to mirror what we see in porn

Judging by how many women come on here saying their partner is pressuring them for anal, young women saying that men expect choking and find them strange if they dare to keep pubic hair, I would say you can only speak for yourself with this assertion.[/quote]
So has the OP's partner asked her to put on five stone and age ten years?

Fifteentoes
‘So has the OP's partner asked her to put on five stone and age ten years’

What would it matter if he has as yet asked her to specifically gain weight . I’ll ignore the ridiculous statement of asking the impossible , to age
Many many men encourage partners to gain or lose weight to match up more with their fantasies in porn .
Perhaps he had perhaps he hasn’t . Perhaps he will . Either way , Its crap being with someone who is eternally wishing for someone of an age of body size you are not and wishing you were
I always laugh when people say ‘ oh but if he wanted that he’d go get that ‘ ummm no he wouldn’t because the reality is the vast majority of men know they wouldn’t be capable of getting the 18 yr old models they lust after in porn. Or the exhibitionist who are virgins lol Porn creates the most absurd lies about women
Perhaps this guy as his tastes are a little different will wait till the ideal women heavier older comes along . The point is porn breeds discontent and the OP is worried .
But most importantly . Who are YOU to tell or imply to women that their experiences and words are not true
The requests that women talk about include weight changes , sexual acts shaving , anal whatever .
Are you yet another man who watches too much porn and invalidates women’s experiences and what they are saying about what they hear from men who watch too much porn ?
How much research ( and I’m talking about University Funded research have you sat down and read about the effects of porn on women ?
Do you care that women are telling you they are being pressured and feeling crap or do you completely lack empathy due to porn brain ?

I never understand why there are always posts on these threads that equate porn with masturbation. That seems really odd to me. You can wank without it perfectly well, I'd be worried if someone couldn't tbh.

The other thing is the type of things these women are having done to them. Not all porn is about looking at someone you would like to fuck getting fucked. There's plenty around, an awful lot, which is about sexual dominance and putting women in their place. Most of modern het porn seems to have a good helping of that.

So he may not fancy the women he's watching but enjoy seeing whatever it is being done to them.

Nicegerbil I also never understand the mentality of those who seem to think that if one objects to porn they are somehow anti sex or masturbation
God knows what those people would have done before the hard core days of modern internet internet . Many of them like to use the old ‘ oh but porns been around forever ‘. NO in fact the type and sheer volume of women hating violent mysogynistic porn that is so readily available at the click of a finger has never in the history of humanity been available before now
The research on just how much of what is called ‘ mainstream ‘ is actually demeaning and involves name calling slapping etc of women is staggering , let alone how many of these platforms are spreading non consensual images of women and girls
How does any of that have one thing to do with healthy sexuality . I’m baffled

I agree with a pp. Much of the porn available is a man acting out a misogynist fantasy of how he wants to dominate and hurt a woman. That used to be called 'hard core' but now it's mainstream. Porn used to be about having fantasy sex with a woman, not slapping and choking her and calling her names. The more power have, the more men want to teach them a lesson.

You have every right to not be ok with it, do not let anyone preach at you and call you insecure. Some couples are fine with it, for others its an issue, every couple has its own boundaries and that is fine. You need to tell him how you feel and see how he reacts. Your relationship is still in the early stages so you need to establish some common ground now, before things kind of snowball.
In my case, in my first marriage I was very secure and not jealous at all and we used to watch it together, mainly for a laugh. Then I had a bad relationship with a porn addict who was abusive too, and from then on I cannot stand it as it did so much damage it led me to counselling for self harming and eating disorders, as he made me compare myself with all those pornstars. It can be extremely harmful in the wrong hands. It was ultimately the cause for us splitting after 3 years. Now I make it really clear from day one that it would be a dealbreaker to me, and my husband/ partner can decide whether they want that in their life, or me. You have the right to your boundaries, speak up.In any case he may reassure you that you are his type, which is what you seem to be worrying about the most. Good luck x

Countingthebeat I'm not invalidating anyone's experience. I'm simply acknowledging that there are a wide variety of people in the world who have a wide variety of different experiences, and that includes experiencing porn in different ways.

If someone comes on here and laments the fact that her partner doesn't fancy her any more because he can only get turned on by porn; or her can't cum because of death grip; or she's worried he's into something illegal or exposing the children to it or whatever, you won't find me telling her to just get over it. If somebody experiences problems in a relationship and porn is part of that problem then they deserve and need sympathy and support, and to know that they have the right to expect better and consider leaving.

But that's not what's happening here (from the information we have). The OP has told us that they have sex every day, she hasn't mentioned anything about any kind of problem with it. She hasn't mentioned anything to suggest that her partner is in any way dissatisfied with her physically, or that he asks or even wants her to look more like the porn he's into.

The problem with these threads is that everybody charges in with their blanket judgments and preconceptions (both pro- and anti-) rather than addressing what the OP has actually written. Of course my comment was ridiculous and mean facetiously - that's the point. The problem of porn making men dissatisfied with their partners because they're used to wanking off to someone younger and slimmer may well be worth bringing up when that's actually what's going on. But in this case it's not only not that, it's the opposite. So we're supposed to be worried that he can't possibly fancy her because he's used to wanking off to people older and fatter? (And that despite the fact that, by shagging her every day at least once, he's clearly doing a pretty good job of pretending he fancies her, if he doesn't!).

I don't know what's going on with the OP's partner - there's "nowt so queer as folk" when it comes to porn, that's for sure (or maybe just "nowt so queer as men"). But what there doesn't appear to be is a problem. The only "problem" the OP has mentioned is that she doesn't understand why he would want to look at women so different from her. This is a matter of understanding how men's minds work when it comes to sex, not a practical problem to be solved in the relationship.

Plenty of men have active, mutually satisfying sex lives and use porn as well. You probably don't read about them here for the simple reason that this is a page where people come for help with problems, so we don't generally read about active and mutually satisfying sex lives here at all. Most men are just not monogamous by nature and their sexual imagination constantly wanders beyond their own partner. The fact that their porn life is different from their sex life should not then be surprising.

Well I think OP needs to find a new man if it's her own personal boundary because if he's watching porn regularly, he won't stop, he'll just hide it better let's be honest?

Fifteentoes

You say everyone experiences porn in different ways but the VAST majority of porn is degrading to women at best and often abusive .if one person gets pleasure from the abuse of another or from supporting a platform that distribute child abuse images is the person gaining pleasures experience important in this scenario ? Or are those who suffer important . THAT statement you made is an exact example of how you minimise the damage to women and girls
Yoh also like to claim that unless the poster actually brings up the specific issue of men’s expectations and her partner specifically asking her for things that it’s not relevant to discuss them . Yet another attempt to minimise and shut women Up .
The op is concerned about what her partner is attracted to and many women here have pointed out that porn does in fact influence men’s expectations . Whether or not he has or has not as yet requested any of those is irrelevant

But most of all this made me laugh
‘Plenty of men have active, mutually satisfying sex lives and use porn as well. You probably don't read about them here for the simple reason that this is a page where people come for help with problems, so we don't generally read about active and mutually satisfying sex lives here at all. Most men are just not monogamous by nature and their sexual imagination constantly wanders beyond their own partner. The fact that their porn life is different from their sex life should not then be surprising.’
Are all these men with mutually satisfying sex lives open about their porn use ? Cause I know plenty of women who would get the ick knowing the men they have sex with use it and I would t call that mutually satisfying
Also men who watch porn are shot lovers according to most of what I’ve read and experienced
Me. Are not naturally monogamous ? So women Are ? Where do you get this info ? Are you a biologist ? Do you speak onlyfrom your own experience . I know many many women who are not monogamous . Perhaps men who are not monogamous should not partner with woman. Who want monogamy and stay single or divorce if married . I do t know any woman who would want a man who state men are not naturally monogamous
You sound incredibly sexist and old fashioned in your gender assumptions , but In truth I’d expect that from a porn used

Fifteentoes
I just asked my husband my son and my brother if they agree with your statement that men are not naturally monogamous , they all disagreed with you
Perhaps you think they are all just lying to us women and we women are just idiots enough to believe them
Or maybe the truth is that you are just one of those men who have a problem with monogamy and ignoring the abuse of the porn industry allows you to indulge in it and alleviate your urges ?

@Countingthebeat

Fifteentoes I just asked my husband my son and my brother if they agree with your statement that men are not naturally monogamous , they all disagreed with you Perhaps you think they are all just lying to us women and we women are just idiots enough to believe them Or maybe the truth is that you are just one of those men who have a problem with monogamy and ignoring the abuse of the porn industry allows you to indulge in it and alleviate your urges ?

It’s utterly hypocritical that in an earlier post you were asking this poster how much research, and then clarified you meant university funded research they had read on a topic, and then you go on to use your anecdote from a sample of 3 men close to you to prove your point. . Irrespective of my opinion on the topic being discussed, and I’m not even going to disclose my opinion as it’s not relevant to my point, a little consistency in your discussion style would strengthen your point.

If you have a good sex life then why is porn a problem? A lot of people have fetishes that aren't what they want in their actual relationships. You're having sex way more than most people do, so he is clearly attracted to you. Let it go.

Sammylady37
What makes you ASSUME that because I simply asked three men close to me today whether they agreed with someone’s opinion thqt it automatically means I have not read and for your information studied gender politics qbd read much university research on this topic
My argument has been nothing but consistent / I stated that there is extensive research on the topic and there is . I’ve read a lot . I’ve written some papers for my studies around it . Then I went on to let one poster who seems to speak on behalf of all men claiming they are not monogamous know that I have family members who are men who disagree
I see no inconsistencies there and see no reason why a person who had opinions based on research not also allowed to gain opinions from personal life experience and through discussions with those around them
Please explain why because I have noted the research I am not allowed to also ask men in my life their opinions ?
Ts extremely hypocritical of YOU to assume that is what I vase my argument on . Perhaps start with taking yourself off to read some of professor Gail Dines research on pornography !

@BeanieB2020

If you have a good sex life then why is porn a problem? A lot of people have fetishes that aren't what they want in their actual relationships. You're having sex way more than most people do, so he is clearly attracted to you. Let it go.

Because the vast majority of porn is degrading and damaging to women on various levels and THAT matters to a lot of women

Sammylady37 after you check out prof dines extensive research you could head over to the university of Oklahoma ... there’s literally mountains more but it’s no one else’s job to educate you , anyone interested to know can find it it’s easily available if they care

@Countingthebeat

Sammylady37 What makes you ASSUME that because I simply asked three men close to me today whether they agreed with someone’s opinion thqt it automatically means I have not read and for your information studied gender politics qbd read much university research on this topic My argument has been nothing but consistent / I stated that there is extensive research on the topic and there is . I’ve read a lot . I’ve written some papers for my studies around it . Then I went on to let one poster who seems to speak on behalf of all men claiming they are not monogamous know that I have family members who are men who disagree I see no inconsistencies there and see no reason why a person who had opinions based on research not also allowed to gain opinions from personal life experience and through discussions with those around them Please explain why because I have noted the research I am not allowed to also ask men in my life their opinions ? Ts extremely hypocritical of YOU to assume that is what I vase my argument on . Perhaps start with taking yourself off to read some of professor Gail Dines research on pornography !

Well, I made the assumption because your rebuttal/argument in your post was based entirely on the response from the 3 men you asked, and you used their responses as a reason to insinuate the other poster would say they were lying shrug

I just asked my husband my son and my brother if they agree with your statement that men are not naturally monogamous , they all disagreed with you
Perhaps you think they are all just lying to us women and we women are just idiots enough to believe them
Or maybe the truth is that you are just one of those men who have a problem with monogamy and ignoring the abuse of the porn industry allows you to indulge in it and alleviate your urges

My post was based on all the information contained in yours namely that you canvassed 3 men and used that as an argument, despite haranguing someone for ‘university funded research’ based opinions earlier- there’s the inconsistency, the type of research/evidence you’ve demanded vs what you used yourself. And surely, as someone so au fait with research as you are now claiming to be, you know about anecdotal evidence and that oft-used phrase about the plural of ‘anecdote’ is not ‘data’.
And of course, as you well know, I never said you were ‘not allowed’ ask the men in your life their opinion, I’ll say it again that my point is that it’s hypocritical to try call someone out for lack of ‘university funded research’ when you use a straw poll of 3 men as your argument, and remember, that was all the evidence you produced in your post. You can now change the goalposts and spout your credentials, but I was basing my post on the info in yours. I’m not psychic.

And for someone who is annoyed about me making assumptions, your last paragraph indicated you’ve made (at least) one about me. How do you know I haven’t read that research? For all you know, I collaborated on it. I was clear in my post that I wasn’t mentioning my opinion on pornography as it wasn’t relevant to the point I was making.

@Countingthebeat

Sammylady37 after you check out prof dines extensive research you could head over to the university of Oklahoma ... there’s literally mountains more but it’s no one else’s job to educate you , anyone interested to know can find it it’s easily available if they care

More assumptions from someone who is very affronted by others making assumptions- looks like I was right to find your post hypocritical!

You have no idea how much or how little I’ve read about porn, as I haven’t proffered my opinion on it in this thread at all. Perhaps I myself am widely-published on the matter.

I’ll say it again so you might grasp it this time, my point was simply that you are hypocritical and inconsistent if you ask another poster for ‘university funded research’ and you yourself cite a straw poll of 3 family members.

@sammylady37
Well, I made the assumption because your rebuttal/argument in your post was based entirely on the response from the 3 men you asked, and you used their responses as a reason to insinuate the other poster would say they were lying shrug

No my entire rebuttal was NOT based on three men I asked !!! That was a minor add on and if you cared to read my extensive responses to fifteen toes you would have seen a lot lot more
In
Part adult I challenged him on many claims he made over the last few pages . Claims about the harmlessness of porn , claims about men not being naturally monogamous .

Initially I brought up huge amounts of research showing the damage porn does and the abuse the industry commits on women and girls . Research ... data ... point one

Secondly he made a huge claim that men are not naturally monogamous and I asked him how he knows this and told added that anecdotally that’s not my experience . Point two

How you have managed to conflate and mix two issues one where I talk about the research into the pirn industry and ask him what research he has read and then secondly you try and mix it with me. Halle going him on men’s monogamy statement because abuse I brought up my anecdotal asking of three men tells me you DID read all the posts and are deliberately being a liar about the whole thing
You know fully well I am right that there’s research against porn and fifteen toes and his ilk don’t care less and your trying ( with a childish and portly veiled attempt ) to mix it up with a second point I made regarding a blanket statement he made regarding men not being monogoamoys
I strongly suspect you either are fifteentoes or someone who is close to him

I’ll say it again so you might grasp it this time, my point was simply that you are hypocritical and inconsistent if you ask another poster for ‘university funded research’ and you yourself cite a straw poll of 3 family members.

Sorry but is it difficult for you to understand something so simply

The ‘poll as you call it had ZERO to do with porn !!!!!!
It was me asking three member anecdotally whether they agreed with fifteentoes

This has ZERO to do with porn and the research
Wow . I won’t make any assumptions about your comprehension skills but it’s pretty simple and you seem to be having a lot of trouble understanding two different points were addressed
At no time did I ask him what research he has read on men’s not being monogamous . That question. Was asked earlier about porn
In relation to men not being monogamous I asked him how he knew and I still want to know

Aaaaaand, with you calling me a liar, I’m done discussing anything with you.

Feel free to use my unwillingness to engage further with you as proof that you were right, the sky is blue, today is Tuesday or anything else you see fit, such is your style