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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner watches porn

102 replies

Musiclovingmum · 24/01/2021 13:38

I have been with my partner for over a year now. We live together now, and I've always had a high sex drive so we have sex pretty much every day, some days more than once.

I have recently found out he has also been watching porn to sort himself out. He watches mature porn and BBW porn. I'm only 26 and he's 30, and I'm slim. He doesn't know I know yet or my feelings about it.

I just don't understand why he needs to watch other women online to get off when he can have it with anytime. I think it makes it worse that the women are completely the opposite to me.

Honest opinions before I speak to him, am I just overreacting about it?

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 24/01/2021 17:22

It's almost like over lockdown a shit ton of men have joined MN to put women in their place and tell them what to think/feel about their own thoughts. Anyone else noticed this?

@mylovelydd There's always been quite a lot of this when porn is mentioned. Sadly, a fair few women do men's 'work' for them. Blame 3rd wave 'feminism' or dare I say it 'handmaidens of the patriarchy.'

NiceGerbil · 24/01/2021 17:22

Agree with pp

NiceGerbil · 24/01/2021 17:22

About it being real

Givemeabreak88 · 24/01/2021 17:24

Yep, here's another one. When I posted a while back...posts like this just kept on rolling in.

99% of men watch porn, if you don’t want a man that watches porn then I think you might as well stay single or he’s lying if he says he doesn’t, I’ve never met a man that hasn’t watched it.

NiceGerbil · 24/01/2021 17:24

I'm surprised that another pp can't see any issues at all with any type of porn :/

Even the most pro porn people accept there is some awful/; illegal stuff out there even if they handwave it away!

MrsSmith2021 · 24/01/2021 17:25

Everyone watches porn. It’s really not w big deal.

SoulofanAggron · 24/01/2021 17:33

Everyone watches porn

No, or at least maybe at some point but not at others. It's not necessary or compulsory.

BananaPop2020 · 24/01/2021 17:35

I personally think you are over reacting.

poppyzbrite4 · 24/01/2021 17:36

If porn is no big deal, then it's no problem to stop if it's upsetting your partner.

NiceGerbil · 24/01/2021 17:38

'Everyone watches porn'

This is so lazy.

No, they don't.
I don't.
I'm fairly sure my mum doesn't.
People who live in tiny tribes in the middle of nowhere are fairly unlikely to.
I can't imagine my 90yo FIL watching it.
Loads of children don't.

So when people say 'everyone' they are taking males between X and y age as 'everyone'. For males between what 14 and 45 in the UK, then pretty much all of them is probably fair.

To say everyone does is lazy and untrue. The only reason for anyone to say this is to normalise it, and encourage woman (and men) who don't like it, aren't interested to feel that they are out of step, unusual etc.

Givemeabreak88 · 24/01/2021 17:42

And equally if it is a big deal for you then find a partner that doesn’t watch it rather than expecting someone to stop

poppyzbrite4 · 24/01/2021 17:44

The OP didn't know he was watching it. She's just found out. And, since it's no big deal and nothing to worry about, then I'm sure he'll stop.

Givemeabreak88 · 24/01/2021 17:48

Well if it’s a deal breaker for her then she can end things 🤷‍♀️

poppyzbrite4 · 24/01/2021 17:51

So it is a big deal. If you are willing to end your relationship because porn is so important and your partner's feelings aren't - it's a big deal. Stop saying it's not a big deal, when it is.

What people mean when they say that is, how you feel about this isn't a big deal, my needs are more important than yours.

Givemeabreak88 · 24/01/2021 17:53

She doesn’t seem bothered that he watches porn though, her problem is they don’t look like her, I wouldn’t care if my partner watched porn so to ME it isn’t a big deal, if it’s a big deal for YOU then end it. Don’t expect others to change for you.

poppyzbrite4 · 24/01/2021 17:58

If she wasn't bothered, she wouldn't have started a thread about it, would she. She's obviously bothered about it.

That's not how relationships work Sherman. There's something called compromise. This is where you take your partner's feelings and needs into consideration and, if they are upset, you do something to address it.

Since watching porn means nothing and isn't a big deal, you stop doing something that upsets your partner. If you are not prepared to make such a small sacrifice then I can't imagine your partner means that much to you. It's a big deal to someone else.

Givemeabreak88 · 24/01/2021 18:05

I just don't understand why he needs to watch other women online to get off when he can have it with anytime. I think it makes it worse that the women are completely the opposite to me.

She is clearly just bothered about the fact they don’t resemble her. That sounds like her biggest issue with it.

yetmorecrap · 24/01/2021 18:13

As I said earlier, the thing that pisses me off most is hiding the fact— and if you are deleting history or watching on incognito then people know full well that they would be annoying/hurting someone else . If people think it’s no big deal , then be open and honest about it and let someone else decide for themselves if it’s a big deal or not in a committed relationship . It may well be true that 70% of men watch it at least once a week, but not all women are that desperate to be in a long term relationship that saying ‘good luck finding a man who doesn’t watch it’ holds any sway. Plenty would be quite happy being single and having the occasional boyfriend if men were honest about this .

User5437585479 · 24/01/2021 18:29

yetmorecrap

Your posts make a lot of sense.

AnitaB888 · 24/01/2021 18:35

"He doesn't know I know yet or my feelings about it."

This IMO is the root of the problem. Sexual preferences and expectations should be discussed before moving in together.
However, we are where we are now.

The OP needs to have a frank talk with her DP and take it from there.

Isolatedizzy · 24/01/2021 20:27

God I'd rather be single all my life than be with a man who thought it was acceptable to watch women being raped, abused, choked , spat on so he could have a quick wank!

Countingthebeat · 24/01/2021 21:43

Funny how it’s seems to be mainly the men in here saying no no it’s just a fantasy and nothing to cause concern yet several women are saying it does lead to many men requesting exactly what they see from women . Once again women’s feelings and experiences are invalidated and downplayed ... but hey this is exactly what porn does , it teaches men that women experiences and opinions don’t matter . All that matters is how women please men sexually
I also find it interesting that those saying porn is harmless complete gloss over the fa g that several of the major big players porn websites have recently been in a lot of trouble over content . Harmless huh
Op where does your partners get his porn I’d be more concerned that he’s supporting such a grotty industry unless he’s going to great lengths to seek ‘ethical ‘ porn which isn’t easy
As for the women looking like his ex , you’ll never know what he’s thinking unless you straight up as but in the world of porn women are just interchangeable body parts broken into thousand as of catagories . You might get three of four catagories for men ( unless it’s a gay site ) but women will be like a butchers display. Bug breast small breasts , nationality , age , height , hair colour, body size .... it’s endless . So likely if he’s choosing one type over and over it does something for him... ask him

Countingthebeat · 24/01/2021 21:43

@Isolatedizzy

God I'd rather be single all my life than be with a man who thought it was acceptable to watch women being raped, abused, choked , spat on so he could have a quick wank!
Yea but as you see even here most are like ‘ duh what’s the problem ‘
user1481840227 · 25/01/2021 01:18

@SoulofanAggron

It's almost like over lockdown a shit ton of men have joined MN to put women in their place and tell them what to think/feel about their own thoughts. Anyone else noticed this?

@mylovelydd There's always been quite a lot of this when porn is mentioned. Sadly, a fair few women do men's 'work' for them. Blame 3rd wave 'feminism' or dare I say it 'handmaidens of the patriarchy.'

It's not doing mens work for them.

Many women watch porn and many women (even some who don't want porn themselves) are ok with their partners watching porn.

The OP asked for opinions and she is getting them from a variety of people with different views.

You must be one of those feminists who tries to tell women what to do, or who won't let women speak freely and honestly about their own beliefs without trying to shut them up with a lazy argument about how they're doing mens work for them!
You are doing a disservice to women by making out we can't have our own true opinions on things!

Countingthebeat · 25/01/2021 02:17

.

‘You must be one of those feminists who tries to tell women what to do, or who won't let women speak freely and honestly about their own beliefs without trying to shut them up with a lazy argument about how they're doing mens work for them!
You are doing a disservice to women by making out we can't have our own true opinions on things!‘

I didn’t interpret it as thought they were some type of feminist who tried that . You speak as if feminist is a dirty word . If you believe women are equal to men then youre a feminist . I’d think it’s kinda shameful NOT to be a feminist
Anyway , as for your thinking some were saying you can’t think for yourself and that your doing men’s work for them . I think it’s more about the fact that not challenging the whole abuse and crap that goes on in the porn industry does in fact support and do the job of those men who want to keep women down and enjoy the demeaning of women
As for women thinking for themselves . Of course they can . You are totally entitled to think porn is harmless to women and girls and doesn’t have mountains of well research statistical data on the actual damage it does to women and girls , the coercion , the underage stuff , the non consensual images . There have been women supporting all types of things throughout history that are mysogynistic and harmful to women as a group. They use all types of excuses for their lack of empathy , sometimes a lack of education or sometimes it’s just a matter of ‘it excites me so who cares who’s getting hurt ‘

The only way anyone woman or man can say they are not supporting the abuse of women , publication of abuse and companies that distribute such is if they are able to 100 percent garantee every platform they support for their porn does not allow any such content , that every female is consenting if legal age etc and no revenge porn is EVER published where they get their porn .