My partner watches porn

[Musiclovingmum]

I have been with my partner for over a year now. We live together now, and I've always had a high sex drive so we have sex pretty much every day, some days more than once.

I have recently found out he has also been watching porn to sort himself out. He watches mature porn and BBW porn. I'm only 26 and he's 30, and I'm slim. He doesn't know I know yet or my feelings about it.

I just don't understand why he needs to watch other women online to get off when he can have it with anytime. I think it makes it worse that the women are completely the opposite to me.

Honest opinions before I speak to him, am I just overreacting about it?

I have lost respect for him and was amazed how much it shook my trust in him (unsuspecting, asleep upstairs in bed as were dcs). I have children so can't make

This is the problem. Men can do what they like. But if their wife or partner finds out they have no right to tell her she is wrong for how she feels.
Porn has become so normalised with the advent of the internet - it only takes one click and men can access whatever they fancy, and it rarely stops at vanilla sex - tastes often become more and more extreme as they fail to get the thrill from the original thing they sought out. Not even going into all the seedy, women-abusing aspects of the porn industry - but knowing your man, who you love, is actively getting off on watching other women masturbate/be raped or whatever is repulsive and yes, you do lose respect for your partner. It leads to the demise of so many relationships - I’ve seen it countless times.
But go on burying your head in the sand that porn is perfectly harmless!

@Countingthebeat

I didn’t interpret it as thought they were some type of feminist who tried that . You speak as if feminist is a dirty word . If you believe women are equal to men then youre a feminist . I’d think it’s kinda shameful NOT to be a feminist

I used the word feminist in response to the poster I quoted who blamed 3rd wave feminism. I made an assumption on the type of 'feminist' that I assumed she was based on her comments.
I don't personally think women who tell other women what to try to shut down other womens opinions with the lazy argument that that poster used are in fact feminists!

One of my hobbies is burlesque and I've met so many bad ass sex positive women who get torn apart by those kind of feminists and laughed at for claiming it's empowering...and the argument is always turned around to how they're doing it for men....but the reality is the vast majority of time it's just a bunch of women having fun with other women and they want to feel sexy for themselves!

Anyway , as for your thinking some were saying you can’t think for yourself and that your doing men’s work for them . I think it’s more about the fact that not challenging the whole abuse and crap that goes on in the porn industry does in fact support and do the job of those men who want to keep women down and enjoy the demeaning of women

There have been threads on here before with women asking women those questions about porn, what we thought about abuse and so on, that's absolutely fine and can make for good debate...but when it's approached the way the pp approached it that's not going to make for good debate.

As for women thinking for themselves . Of course they can . You are totally entitled to think porn is harmless to women and girls and doesn’t have mountains of well research statistical data on the actual damage it does to women and girls , the coercion , the underage stuff , the non consensual images .

Just to make it clear. I don't think porn is harmless and do recognise that there is a huge amount of unethical porn out there. I know several sex workers (who watch porn also) who are the loudest campaigners and educators against non consensual images, ethical porn, sexual abuse and so on!

Also another thing to point out is there are many women who don't like their partners watching and it's not because of the ethics of the industry, it's because they don't want their partners looking at other naked women and masturbating.

So it's not the case that it's the ones who watch porn are blind to the problems either directly related to the industry or indirectly related to the industry and that those who are against it care more about the people in it and the abuse that they may suffer!

• That should have said they were against unethical porn!

‘Just to make it clear. I don't think porn is harmless and do recognise that there is a huge amount of unethical porn out there. I know several sex workers (who watch porn also) who are the loudest campaigners and educators against non consensual images, ethical porn, sexual abuse and so on!’

I’m glad you recognise the issues. And there are many with the porn indidustry . Like yourself I also have close ties with workers and ex Alex workers and agree that many advocate against the industry and the abuse !

‘Also another thing to point out is there are many women who don't like their partners watching and it's not because of the ethics of the industry, it's because they don't want their partners looking at other naked women and masturbating.’

Regardless of a woman’s objections to porn they are totally and entirely valid . Far too often women tell men at the i at how they feel about porn and men manipulate and lie to women about their porn use in order to trick women into relationships and sometimes even marriages . If a woman objects to porn that is not something that needs to meet anyone else’s criteria . It IS demeaning . There is research that demonstrates it impacts many women’s self image and this is not something that is the fault of the woman ! Nobody has the right to tell a woman her healthy boundaries are not ok

I do agree that a womans objections to porn are valid and she is allowed to have her own boundaries.

I also know that people sometimes lie and say they don't watch it but then their partners find out that they do so obviously then it's a difficult situation where some women are in relationships or marriages or have children with them and it's not so easy to just up and leave but a dealbreaker should be a dealbreaker and a boundary should be a boundary....and I don't think there are many men out there who have been caught watching porn who give it up because their partner or wife tells or asks them to...so in those cases the women need to take responsibility themselves to end the relationship and stick to their own boundaries!

@user1481840227

I do agree that a womans objections to porn are valid and she is allowed to have her own boundaries.

I also know that people sometimes lie and say they don't watch it but then their partners find out that they do so obviously then it's a difficult situation where some women are in relationships or marriages or have children with them and it's not so easy to just up and leave but a dealbreaker should be a dealbreaker and a boundary should be a boundary....and I don't think there are many men out there who have been caught watching porn who give it up because their partner or wife tells or asks them to...so in those cases the women need to take responsibility themselves to end the relationship and stick to their own boundaries!

Yes we agree on that for sure . Just such a shame that because so many men chose to be liars and not be upfront so many women end up having to be the ones to clean up the mess , especially in a world where so many will try and tell them they are wrong for their feelings and boys will be boys

You must be one of those feminists who tries to tell women what to do, or who won't let women speak freely and honestly about their own beliefs without trying to shut them up with a lazy argument about how they're doing mens work for them!
You are doing a disservice to women by making out we can't have our own true opinions on things!

Exactly like all the 'women' who trot up on all these threads saying "I watch porn what's the big deal, doesn't bother me, blah blah blah' you know the one's that try to tell that woman what to do or won't let her speak freely and honestly about their own beliefs without trying to shut them up with a lazy argument. They are doing a disservice to women by making out they can't have their own true opinions on things!

So much for the sisterhood...

Personally I don’t see it as that different from a strip club or camming. There is a difference between partner wanking to pictures of you vs pics of other people (especially if some make you uncomfortable). Porn is a boundary for me and I would be incompatible in a relationship with someone who continued doing it. I would also be incompatible with being in an open relationship.

The important thing is that it is consensual (both the making of it and between you two) - so talk about it with your partner.

@mylovelydd

The OP asked for honest opinions!!
I know that there have been threads in the past where women open with a post saying they despise porn watching and don't want people to chime in with "all men watch it" or comments about how they think it's ok. This wasn't one of those threads, the OP asked for honest opinions.

You're doing it again with your little comments such as so much for the sisterhood and 'women' in inverted commas .

I mean we are women for god sake, not women in inverted commas, just women!!

and as for the sisterhood, we don't all have to think and act a certain way!

Not even going into all the seedy, women-abusing aspects of the porn industry - but knowing your man, who you love, is actively getting off on watching other women masturbate/be raped or whatever is repulsive and yes, you do lose respect for your partner.

I have been made to feel like my reaction is extreme and I needed to hear this.
He made me feel like I was somehow dysfunctional and a prude for not liking what was going on. The porn was fairly mild I suppose but totally this (and I don't agree with the principles of porn as mentioned above and was disgusted from this point of view as well.) It had been at least a weekly occurrence but he had kept on doing it over the course of several months without me finding out. It's the fact that he had been looking at it full stop - the fact that it was a much younger woman, physically different to me did wrangle a bit as I am in the depths of perimenopause but I think I would have had the same reaction anyway due to opening statement. The last thing I needed was this. I needed an understanding partner who actually communicated with me (at the very least let alone try to show some sympathy) - he actually thought he was doing me a favour. Weirdly, I now question whether I have been an object to him and little more as the affection dropped off so rapidly when I hit problems. I've got lots of talking to do with a therapist it seems.

I think porn is normal although i dont watch it i prefer the good old imagination for a quick minge rub.
I think the problem is when men expect porn star bedroom antics which are just not realistic. Also when your own sex life starts going down hill.
Worst thing for me was when i was going through a miscarriage and mine was sat watching women in undies and searching for porn vids on you tube whilst i was next to him in tears. I later found out through his history, i was looking for a song i liked not rooting through it.
In my opinion if they do it in private and dont hurt the other by it there is no problem but bring it into the relationship then expect the other peson to live up to their distorted view on sex there is. It is upto you on how this makes you feel, there is no right or wrong way to feel. just ask him.

I think all respect I had for him would vanish. When that’s gone, what’s the point?

Is that how you feel, OP?

I mean we are women for god sake, not women in inverted commas, just women!!

No actually. There are a fair few men on this thread too. The same ones that keep popping up on the porn threads telling women what what they must put up with.
Are you not bothered about the women who have to have their arseholes stitched back up or surgery for prolapse or the young girls who are having to seek medical help for the anal and genital injuries they receive all due to the porn their partners watch? Or do you not bother thinking about them while you're applauding your partner wanking away to images of it?

@User5437585479

Not even going into all the seedy, women-abusing aspects of the porn industry - but knowing your man, who you love, is actively getting off on watching other women masturbate/be raped or whatever is repulsive and yes, you do lose respect for your partner.

I have been made to feel like my reaction is extreme and I needed to hear this.
He made me feel like I was somehow dysfunctional and a prude for not liking what was going on. The porn was fairly mild I suppose but totally this (and I don't agree with the principles of porn as mentioned above and was disgusted from this point of view as well.) It had been at least a weekly occurrence but he had kept on doing it over the course of several months without me finding out. It's the fact that he had been looking at it full stop - the fact that it was a much younger woman, physically different to me did wrangle a bit as I am in the depths of perimenopause but I think I would have had the same reaction anyway due to opening statement. The last thing I needed was this. I needed an understanding partner who actually communicated with me (at the very least let alone try to show some sympathy) - he actually thought he was doing me a favour. Weirdly, I now question whether I have been an object to him and little more as the affection dropped off so rapidly when I hit problems. I've got lots of talking to do with a therapist it seems.

When I was growing up, there wasn't all this porn. There were top shelf magazines and VHS videos of porn. It was something sleazy men did wearing rain macs. People didn't brag about having a favourite porn star or openly admit they watched it. It was seen as deviant.

Now, it's like saying you like cornflakes for breakfast and people see it as normal. Women are expected to just accept is as it's no big deal love, don't be a prude.

Anal, choking, spanking, that was all something people 'communities' did but now teenagers are expected to do when they lose their virginity.

Unless you weren't brought up like that, it's easy to just feel you have to accept it but you don't.

Don't worry about what he watches on porn, they like looking at some right weird shit. As long as it's all legal you're fine. And as long as he's still shagging you loads, not cheating then just leave him to it.

Please don't bring up that he watches porn, it will be totally embarrassing, he will feel humiliated and never trust you again.

@mylovelydd

I mean we are women for god sake, not women in inverted commas, just women!!

No actually. There are a fair few men on this thread too. The same ones that keep popping up on the porn threads telling women what what they must put up with.
Are you not bothered about the women who have to have their arseholes stitched back up or surgery for prolapse or the young girls who are having to seek medical help for the anal and genital injuries they receive all due to the porn their partners watch? Or do you not bother thinking about them while you're applauding your partner wanking away to images of it?

I'm talking about the WOMEN. Not the men. There is no need to put the term WOMEN in inverted commas if you are in fact referring to WOMEN!!

I absolutely am bothered by that type of porn. I don't have a partner btw and my long term ex didn't actually watch any porn as far as I was aware .

It was something sleazy men did wearing rain macs. People didn't brag about having a favourite porn star or openly admit they watched it. It was seen as deviant.

Yes agreed. Apparently men talk about it openly between themselves now. My husband told me what he so called friend had been doing in order to watch porn privately in an attempt to make himself look better - that actually what he was doing was okay. Over time, it seems it has become normalised.

Mopping us the mess is very apt. Once married etc. and totally unaware, you are then left to deal with it. Okay, I suppose if you don't have a problem with porn but then what if you do - especially if you have young dc to consider.

Worst thing for me was when i was going through a miscarriage and mine was sat watching women in undies and searching for porn vids on you tube whilst i was next to him in tears. I later found out through his history, i was looking for a song i liked not rooting through it.

Solomon I'm sorry about your miscarriage that is difficult enough. But then you've got someone beside you doing this?

@Gemma5225

Don't worry about what he watches on porn, they like looking at some right weird shit. As long as it's all legal you're fine. And as long as he's still shagging you loads, not cheating then just leave him to it.

Please don't bring up that he watches porn, it will be totally embarrassing, he will feel humiliated and never trust you again.

What kind of life must one live to become this?

This reply is pathetic.

Can you honestly imagine OP sitting her boyfriend down and saying she's found porn with bbw and mature women and she's concerned that he might like that type of woman. Come on, seriously? How pathetic? She's stated she doesn't mind him wanking off to porn, she's just concerned at what he's looking at.

I think op needs to work on self asteem if that's the case because apart from spying on his porn, she hasn't stated any other reason to be so insecure?

Gemma5225

Don't worry about what he watches on porn, they like looking at some right weird shit. As long as it's all legal you're fine. And as long as he's still shagging you loads, not cheating then just leave him to it.

Please don't bring up that he watches porn, it will be totally embarrassing, he will feel humiliated and never trust you again.

*What kind of life must one live to become this?

This reply is pathetic.*

This. I couldn't put it into words and perhaps for one second wobbled (because of the crap I have previously been fed about it being okay).

Yes...this with bells on!

I don’t agree with porn really, as I think that the sites used to host it are pretty awful (pornhub etc) and I don’t support giving them views.

But in terms of loyalty to you - in my opinion it’s an overreaction. That doesn’t mean i am right. I don’t think DP watches it, but I wouldn’t care if he did in terms of his relationship with me. People are allowed to masturbate and they shouldn’t have to only ever think of having sex with their partner when they do it.

I cannot believe it's 2021 and some women still have an issue with their partners looking at porn lol seriously grow up!

@Gemma5225

I cannot believe it's 2021 and some women still have an issue with their partners looking at porn lol seriously grow up!

Even those whose issue is ethical regarding the treatment of women and knock on effect to what is expected of women sexually, rather than jealousy or insecurity? It's a nuanced argument which may indicate those who simply think it's always about jealousy need to grow up... 'lol'.

@Gemma5225

I cannot believe it's 2021 and some women still have an issue with their partners looking at porn lol seriously grow up!

I can’t believe it’s 2021 and some women say things like you do Gemma . Honestly you don’t get it at all do you . Women being demeaned and contributing to the very industry that demeans them and ‘ not saying anything cause it will embarrass the poor men ‘ that is BACKWARD not progressive What century do you live in Stop telling women to be doormats . If you want to be one go ahead but clearly many of us don’t

Do you really think OP confronting her other half about the porn is actually going to get her anywhere though? He'll either think she's nuts and spying on him, delete it quicker next time or cry, lie he'll never do it again.

Tbh if op really doesn't like it, he's not going to stop so I guess it's a deal breaker.