SIL and money issues

[ChopinandChampagne]

I recently lost my DH and I thought that it would be nice to give some money to my DGDs, both toddlers, to set aside for their future as a gift from him. Realistically, they will not remember him, but I thought that if they have some money to spend on travel or driving lessons or to help with their university costs or whatever, they would think of him and know how much he loved them, even though he didn't live to see them grow up.

I did some internet research and the suggestions were for a Junior Isa, which a parent would need to set up, and I would then pay into, and the child could access at 18. Alternatively, a savings account, which I would be able to set up as a grandparent, as long as I produce a copy of the birth certificate, which the child can access and take over at 16.

So far, so good and, I thought, relatively uncontroversial, so I suggested it to my DD and said that I wanted to give each of the DGDs £10k from DH and the options. I said that I wanted it to be a separate account and that suggested that she open a Junior Isa or that I should open a savings account. Her response was that she would have to discuss it with SIL and I said fine, thought no more it. Then, I sense that there is a bit of tension and DD says she wants to set up a telephone call with both her and SIL one evening, to discuss the matter after the DGDs are in bed. This was a text, so I reply saying fine, is now a good time, but DD said not, but we could schedule a couple of days later, but only if she has completed her coursework for her studies.

Then, a couple of days ago, I receive an email from SIL, from whom I never hear anything direct, advising me that if I really want to put money in an account, he will open one, but that he thinks that it is a bad idea, as inflation will erode the money. He thinks I should invest it in gold bullion or some other specific account (he says he has recently opened one for DD), and he provided links to various websites.

The tone of the email comes across, not as friendly advice, but telling me what to do. I have said that I will have a rethink, but I am worried about offending him if I don't follow his advice. I feel that he is trying to control how I invest the money. He refers to it as my wanting to invest for the DGD's future, which it is partly, but it is also about wanting the DGDs to remember or be reminded of DH. I don't really want to invest in bullion, as I think it's a bit volatile, and the idea of a bank account is that the DGDs would get the bank statements and maybe learn how to save.

Does anyone have any advice on how best to handle this diplomatically? There is quite a bit of history with SIL (Lobster Boy for those who remember my previous threads), but things are on a reasonably even keel at present and I currently have a good relationship with DD, which I don't want to upset. She says that there is no rush to decide how best to invest the money, it is important to get it right.

Sorry- lots of typos there. Hope you get the gist!

Yes it would be good if dd could have some lb free time.

I can understand if you did get the thread pulled. You could start a low key support thread on the hidden thread section where it avoids all search options and drops off after 90 days and you could link it here before getting the other deleted, that way you could still get ongoing advice but it’s less likely to be stumbled across

Ps sending hugs for tomorrow

Hoping you have a nice day tomorrow with your dds.

Sorry @ChopinandChampagne, but I’m cynical about the rapid turn about in attitude. I’m waiting for the next clanger. She dropped off the planet, then she’s suddenly contacting you and is as sweet as pie, telling you that you can make arrangements to see the kids “any time you like” (because when has that happened?) and leant into a conversation that is going to involve a discussion about money again. I smell LB all over this.

But again, I do hope you are spoiled by your other DDs and shown how much you are loved and cared for.

Invest in bullion????
Wtf 😳
I think they're very ungrateful

The raising & butchering pigs is so completely off the scale for a former vegan.
She has already said she likes killing the quails.
This sounds so dantesque .

I don't think you can even butcher and sell pigs from a home farm. I'm sure they have to butchered at licensed slaughter houses and not from a farm.

You got in ahead of me @Clutterbugsmum… I was going to say that the Health Dept would be ALL over them for that, and so would PETA!!!

Not to mention DEFRA!

Are they looking at Eire or Northern Ireland?

I assumed Eire so not DEFRA?

In the Republic of Ireland you can’t randomly slaughter your own animals to sell - you need to bring them to a licensed abattoir. The food standard people would be all over them. You need herd numbers, there’s loads of paperwork and compliance issues. Not to mention the perpetual rain. They have a very unrealistic ideas.
Hope you had a lovely day with your other DDs

Apologies, of course DEFRA is the UK ministry not the appropriate Irish one.

I’m sure there are loads of Irish/EU regulations to follow/be aware of concerning animal welfare and slaughter, even for the quails. Not that I imagine LB is one for doing things “by the book”.

You can slaughter livestock for your own consumption, and share it with other people if you cook it as a shared meal. You can't sell it, or barter it.

I have reared and killed livestock for our own consumption. I've never been vegan and tbh I found killing my livestock upsetting,, even tbough I know they had a terrific life and a quick, stress and pain free death.
so I stopped.

She is frankly delusional if she thinks what she is proposing is ok, and I find her ability to do this after being an avowed vegan really rather concerning.

Thanks for your replies and sorry not to have posted, but it has been a difficult couple of days, although the DDs were wonderful. DD2 and DD3 arranged for a huge bouquet of sunflowers to be delivered, to bring some sunshine into my life.

DD1 had also remembered that it was my wedding anniversary and called to see how I was. They are still waiting to hear about the property. I think they just want to raise animals and crops to be self-sufficient rather than to sell them, so hopefully that is legal.

Spring - I agree. I have never been tempted to become vegetarian, but I probably would be if I had to kill my own meat

Be kind to yourself

I can only imagine how hard it has been. This constant limbo state with DD1 must be exhausting. Thinking about your DGC moving away to Ireland must be hard too. My worry is that LB will abuse them emotionally like he does your daughter. There is no one to safeguard them. Growing up with him, controlling, killing animals to eat (the reality for meat eaters but hard if its done in front of you. Hypocritical I know) no school no extended family? It may be as these children grow up they may be hard to connect with? You may never have a close relationship with them? I hope you manage to have a peaceful week.

Hope you’re doing ok

 @ChopinandChampagne Thinking of you and hoping life is on the up for you.

Hi OP, you have my sympathy. What a terrible situation with your daughter and SB. This may have been mentioned already. I've only read your posts. Healthcare in the Republic of Ireland is not free. They would need to pay to give birth. Does your daughter realise that?

@mmgirish "....... Healthcare in the Republic of Ireland is not free....."

Over 30% of Irish people have a medical card.
Medical cards allow people to get a wide range of health services and medicines free of charge.
However the system is means tested and the waiting times to be seen by consultants can be dreadfully long.
Many people opt for expensive private health insurance instead.

DD1 needs to look into this aspect of life in Ireland.

They would need to pay to give birth
I'm not at all suggesting that moving to Ireland is the right thing for your DD to do (far from it) but this is not the case. If you don't have private health insurance you will be treated through the public system which includes maternity care. And it's actually quite good. I used our insurance first time round and didn't like the consultant-led approach, so went public next time and had a fantastic experience. I don't recall having to pay for anyting, not even my (albeit 1 night) hospital stay. All GP visits, once they are maternity-related, are free as are any midwife or maternity hospital appointments. Once the baby is born, a community (public health) nurse will visit at the home several times to make sure everything is well and baby will get a 6-week check at the GP as well as all vaccinations etc. As far as maternity goes, it's actually a really good system. However, if you need to see a GP for any other reason then you pay and it's €60 per visit! Unless you have a medical card but this is a social welfare benefit and is income-assessed so only those unemployed without savings, or on very low incomes are eligible.

@LifeInAHamsterWheel

They would need to pay to give birth I'm not at all suggesting that moving to Ireland is the right thing for your DD to do (far from it) but this is not the case. If you don't have private health insurance you will be treated through the public system which includes maternity care. And it's actually quite good. I used our insurance first time round and didn't like the consultant-led approach, so went public next time and had a fantastic experience. I don't recall having to pay for anyting, not even my (albeit 1 night) hospital stay. All GP visits, once they are maternity-related, are free as are any midwife or maternity hospital appointments. Once the baby is born, a community (public health) nurse will visit at the home several times to make sure everything is well and baby will get a 6-week check at the GP as well as all vaccinations etc. As far as maternity goes, it's actually a really good system. However, if you need to see a GP for any other reason then you pay and it's €60 per visit! Unless you have a medical card but this is a social welfare benefit and is income-assessed so only those unemployed without savings, or on very low incomes are eligible.

Would that be the case for non-Irish pregnant patients as well? Especially a patient coming from England which is now not an EU country?

Thank you everyone for your replies and for clarifying the position about use of health services in Ireland.

Minty, that is what I am afraid of, that DD1 and the DGC will be isolated and that there will be no family support nearby. However, they seem determined to go ahead and part of me thinks that everyone should fulfil their dreams. In any event, it is counterproductive to say anything against it, as LB will be delighted if he thinks that he is thwarting me in some way, whereas the reality is that I just want what's best for them.

What I am doing though is reading up on things a bit. I actually bought a book to give to DD1 about a woman who moved from Scotland to set up a small holding in Cornwall with her husband and family, which she ran for 10 years before selling up and moving to France. Anyway, the book had good reviews in terms of its autobiographical content, so I thought I would read it myself first.

I enjoyed the descriptions of life on the small holding, which was only an acre, although they tried a variety of crops, hens, bees, livestock etc, which all effectively failed, although the author eventually succeeded in making an award winning cider. But it was clearly a huge amount of hard work and they only managed to keep afloat financially by the author carrying out work as a college lecturer, and her husband repairing farm machinery. The children went to a local school and then left for university.

One aspect which I found interesting was the author's relationship with her mother, who had remained in Glasgow. She developed Alzheimer's and eventually and somewhat reluctantly, the author installed her in the annex, which they had been proposing to rent out for holiday accommodation. They found the situation difficult and the husband was suggesting that they feed the mother poisonous berries and, if that failed, there was always the mushrooms. I think he was half joking, but I don't think I would be accepting any gifts of food from LB

Yes, the whole vegan to butchery aspect is strange. DD1 has taken to sending pictures of meat instead of the DGC. At the weekend, she sent a photo of a particularly bloody piece, and wanted me to guess what it was. It was actually a beef heart. She said that their dogs sometimes catch squirrels and they also eat those

I don't think that they will be able to buy that place in Ireland as the neighbour wants it and the agent is giving him time to raise his offer. So maybe the neighbour has influence with the agent or the agent is trying to promote a bidding war. The agent keeps trying to put them off and keeps asking if they are aware that there is no septic tank. He also says that he has another property coming on to the market, which he thinks will suit them ....