Can I recover years of cheating with escorts?

[lalunedujour]

Ladies, I turn to you for impartial advice, by this I mean if possible not to project yourself onto my situation and think - what would I do? Don't, because you will never know what you would do until it happens to you. You think you know your partner and above all you think you know yourself, but then something like this comes up and all is out of the window.

Long (wish) story short - I discovered in July that my husband had been seeing prositutes, escorts, whatever is the correct term for it, for years, as in since I was pregnant at least so about 4 years ago. All in the midst of coronavirus and being in full isolation, with me out of a job and him being the only provider (first time in our lives).

I can't begin to explain the rollercoaster of emotions at the time (still now) but there and then it was intense and a sever shock. He was never 'the type' and in fact I always had a higher sex drive than him and he hardly initiated sex in our relationship, well past the first year at least.

He confessed straight away and went into a full meltdown, confessing a long addiction since his teens as it was how he broke his virginity (the things we learn!!) His excuse or reasoning was that it had been a secret for years and he always thought he could get rid of it, but it was an addiction.

He saw a therapist since then and did everything he could, whatever that means, to regain my trust, to apologise and to express his own disgust.

I have tried my hardest to forgive him but of course I cannot - I am constantly reminded by the thought of it all, the betrayal, the lies, the ability he had to do it for YEARS, while I was pregnant, working hard, trying to get back to my female self after birth etc etc but he was content in his sex life I guess because he was visiting countless places at least once a week.

No need to bang on about the details as to how I found out but lets say Uber rides is a wonderful app to look at..

So here I am, 6 months later, trying to get over this with immense struggle. My main source of strength is my daughter who I simply cannot destroy over this.

I don't have concerns as to him doing it again, but I can't move past what has already been done.

I appreciate your insight.

If this is any help at all, and I appreciate everyone is different but I found out my (ex) husband had cheated off and on for years. One night stands or weeks/months. Also the reason he was uncontactable while I was giving birth to our 3rd DC. I went through all the emotions but mostly blamed myself. My 'mum' bod. My 'saggy ness' my lack of sparkle, fun anything. I stayed for 10years after!! I didn't want to 'fail' I tried, we had another baby so I can't regret staying for that but I regret losing years of my life to him. I hate the low self esteem I now have. I'm not and never will be the same person. I'm remarried and happy but I'm not who I was. Given my time again I should have left, for myself, my sanity, my self confidence. I should never have stayed but, for my DC4 I can't feel that in my heart. Because I'd never change having him. He's the perfect ending and I'm a really good mum.

Focus on you. Live in the present. He's to blame 100%. His failings are his failings. You are responsible for your feelings now and in the future, 100%.

If you choose to give him another chance, mentally compartmentalise it if need be. Avoid triggers. Don't re-run his failings in your head. Plan your future based on what you want. If your life would be negatively impacted by leaving him, but you want to leave him, then take as long as you need to be in a secure situation before leaving him. But most of all, don't take any further shit from him or from anyone else.

I think that the sex offered by prostitutes is a different sort of sex. I'm not really sure why men like it beyond using a woman as a piece of meat, 'sticking it in holes' type sex. That is not the type of man one would want as a long-term partner. It's a shame these types of men don't make it clear to their partners before marrying them that they like that type of sex.

Prostitutes can say that they enjoy sex and that they're good at it and that they get paid as a result. Yet I've seen the mechanical and clinical sort of sex people have with strangers at swinging parties, and suspected some punters had brought prostitutes with them. That sort of sex is very, very different to sex within a committed relationship.

You’re setting and example of how a relationship works for your daughter. If she sees you putting up with this, that’s ultimately what will destroy her and her chance at healthy future relationships. You being strong and leaving his sorry lying arse won’t. You’re worth more than this. Find some self respect and keep it with you when he leaves. Trust can never be regained and tbh it will be easier on the child if you separate before they know much about it.

Just realised this is an old thread. Hope you’re recovering?

Why in your opinion are all escorts trafficked?

Are you telling me all these women on only fans selling themselves for sex to men are trafficked?
Nope!!
They are In it because money is involved!!

Very shallow and narrow minded person you are. Women are portraying themselves and advertising on sites and in strip clubs making themselves desirable to men. Do you not think women need to look at what they are doing they are tempting men to lust after and desire them. Sorry fine line here you’re crossing here making out women are always the innocent parties here.

I think you need to open your eyes not all escorts are trafficked.