Can I recover years of cheating with escorts?

[lalunedujour]

Ladies, I turn to you for impartial advice, by this I mean if possible not to project yourself onto my situation and think - what would I do? Don't, because you will never know what you would do until it happens to you. You think you know your partner and above all you think you know yourself, but then something like this comes up and all is out of the window.

Long (wish) story short - I discovered in July that my husband had been seeing prositutes, escorts, whatever is the correct term for it, for years, as in since I was pregnant at least so about 4 years ago. All in the midst of coronavirus and being in full isolation, with me out of a job and him being the only provider (first time in our lives).

I can't begin to explain the rollercoaster of emotions at the time (still now) but there and then it was intense and a sever shock. He was never 'the type' and in fact I always had a higher sex drive than him and he hardly initiated sex in our relationship, well past the first year at least.

He confessed straight away and went into a full meltdown, confessing a long addiction since his teens as it was how he broke his virginity (the things we learn!!) His excuse or reasoning was that it had been a secret for years and he always thought he could get rid of it, but it was an addiction.

He saw a therapist since then and did everything he could, whatever that means, to regain my trust, to apologise and to express his own disgust.

I have tried my hardest to forgive him but of course I cannot - I am constantly reminded by the thought of it all, the betrayal, the lies, the ability he had to do it for YEARS, while I was pregnant, working hard, trying to get back to my female self after birth etc etc but he was content in his sex life I guess because he was visiting countless places at least once a week.

No need to bang on about the details as to how I found out but lets say Uber rides is a wonderful app to look at..

So here I am, 6 months later, trying to get over this with immense struggle. My main source of strength is my daughter who I simply cannot destroy over this.

I don't have concerns as to him doing it again, but I can't move past what has already been done.

I appreciate your insight.

@lalunedujour

Sorry to read about what is happening, I have been there too. Maybe try reading the work of Paula Hall who specialises in infidelity due to porn or sex workers. Whether you decide to stay or leave it may be helpful. www.paulahall.co.uk

I stayed and tried to make it work for three years but I couldn't, he did it again (never stopped the behaviour really) I regret the time I wasted trying to make it work. I saw in the end this was just who he is and he had no space for me in his life, I was a " respectability" screen for him to hide behind when he was lying about the person he was to the rest of the world. Whatever you decide to do I wish you every happiness in the future.

Hi OP. I'm going to go against the grain here (and probably get flamed for it). It is possible to get over it but only if:-
1 He continues going to counseling until his actions have changed for good.
2 He works on why he went down this path (usually connected with his childhood).

1. If it is an addition he will also need help with that - just like gambling or alcohol addition.

All these areas are very hard to come to terms with. A lot of women would just throw in the towel now. I guess it depends on if you think it is worth putting the effort in - it will be a long process. It will be lonely for you, as you said you can't talk to anyone about it. Perhaps you have 1 friend you could talk to? I think it is also worth your husband going to a sex therapist not just a regular therapist - there is a big difference. I wish you luck whichever road you decide to chose x

It is VITAL op that both you and your child are screened for STDs. He's put you both at incredible risk.

If it is an addition he will also need help with that - just like gambling or alcohol addition.

But it isn't an addiction like gambling or alcohol because those don't involve abusing another person. I know addicts that beg and and do all kinds of things to feed their habit. They can come back. But the ones that hurt people, and steal to feed their habits, they tend to find it harder.

While he was doing this his wife didn't matter (which is one thing) but neither did the sex worker he was doing it to. You can't grow empathy, and that's what's lacking here.

While he was doing this his wife didn't matter (which is one thing) but neither did the sex worker he was doing it to. You can't grow empathy, and that's what's lacking here.

^This, I agree absolutely. There's no way he could know that the woman he's paying for sex is there willingly or not. There are a lot who are not and most of the others are vulnerable. It's exploitation of women pure and simple.

It is easy for posters who are not walking in your shoes to say LTB. You have been understanding to see that it was an addiction driving your husband's behaviour. He is working on getting help for his addiction now. You both want you to be forgiving and to move òn with your lives. Therapy may help you better understand his addiction,.that it was present before he met you and help you possibly find a way to detach his addiction from you and your relationship. As his addiction belongs to him and is being driven by something that was present before he met you. Six months is not a long time, it will take time to accept and move on together. As they say time heals all wounds. Go easy on yourself. Hope you find peace of mind.

It doesn't matter whether it's really an addiction (like so many men seem to claim) or not. It is perfectly reasonable and sensible of you to leave him because of what he's done, regardless of why he claims to have done it. I wouldn't be remotely sympathetic. He has no respect for you and no respect for women.

Living with someone with an addiction is hell. It’s only people who have never done it who say

“ Ah bless the poor lamb, it’s not his fault, he can’t help it - it’s an addiction. As long as he admits it and goes for counselling, it will all be fixed and everything will be fine. So you must put up and shut up - only a heartless cow would leave a poor man who is ill. Remember you are just a support human who’s only job in life is to forgive and protect him from the consequences of his behaviour “.

He’s had years if not decades to address this “ addiction “ and he’s done nothing until he was caught. That’s not the sign of someone who genuinely wants to change.

Also if he is an addict, the OP can’t believe a word that comes out his mouth. Addicts are the best liars and actors in the world.

I’m so sorry OP, I understand this must all be very painful to read. There’s nothing I’d like more than to be able to post

“ Well if he’s promised not to do it again then I’m sure he won’t, so everything will be fine now”.

But you deserve better than more lies and nice platitudes.

As I said before OP it is possible to forgive and still care about them—- it’s the forgettingcsnd trusting that’s hard. If you do stay you have to be prepared mentally for years of paranoia and snooping— you might think you wont be like that— you will— your survival instincts will kick in

Therapy may help you better understand his addiction

OP, you may decide you want therapy and it may be very helpful, but don't get it to try to fix and understand HIM, which is what this....unhelpful poster is implying. Visiting sex workers, who may or may not be doing the job by choice, is a very big deal and easily a marriage breaker. It's not your failing and it's not your job to go to therapy to try to understand HIS apparent torment. Women don't exist to do the work to fix broken and shitty men.

I’ve researched this and most are independent, money greedy trash that wouldn’t think twice of sleeping with your husband on his dinner break for £50 trust me stop saying it’s rape or painting them as victims , I’ve seen many and it’s not the case at all , many do it on the side alongside a full or part time jobs

Then your research goes against every one else in the field's.

Off the top of my head ... The young women, all drug addicts, murdered by the Ipswich murderers; were they all greedy too?
Nothing to do with the heroine habit.

Don't know why I'm even engaging with someone so ignorant, prejudiced, misogynistic ... Quite disgusting really.

Anyway OP;

This is what I'd actually consider fraud.

Your got into a relationship with married, got pregnant by and had a child with a man whom you didn't know something very very important - crucial - about. You dud so because he purposefully kept from you (naturally) and deceived you about.

Do he is essentially not who you thought you were getting involved with, marrying and having a child with. He's a sort of fraudster. And you're a victim of fraud.

You can separate and leave him because you were conned into a marriage etc with someone who is fundamentally different from what you thought ... And in an immoral (and possibly criminal, not sure about our weird laws) way.

You are better than a serial cheater and used of prostitutes, you know you are.

Don't lower yourself to the level of trying to work through this and stay in a relationship with this man.

Btw I don't think it's an addiction, bit even if it is; many addicts don't ever truly kick their addictions (and this one is a type that won't fk him up with an overdose or job loss or liver disease. There would be no rock bottom, other than infecting you with an STD, which he'll probably do sooner or later. And you'd probably take that and not leave either, if you don't get out over this line).

*user of prostitutes

I don’t think many people could get passed this. It’s not a phase during a rough patch, it’s a long term thing.

Anyway, if you want to try and get through it you probably need some joint counselling.

If that doesn’t work/you can face it then you can leave. It will not destroy your daughter - why would it?!

Past not passed...

He’s had years if not decades to address this “ addiction “ and he’s done nothing until he was caught. That’s not the sign of someone who genuinely wants to change.

Exactly.

He's not an addict anyway.

A habit is not necessarily an addiction.

This is his habit, his norm, his default, his preference.

I needed to lose my virginity, I was socially inept, I was shy, I was taken there by my (insert male relative/boss) ...
Heard it all before.

A previous poster on here who'd found out her fiancé was a habitual prostitute user used the "taken by older men when young, became a habit, (poor me)" line on her ...

And most significant he also said "other than that, I've been completely faithful" because they don't consider using prostitutes infidelity. It's a separate, parallel universe for them. That mindset doesn't change.

(He was doing it while being baptised as an adult into her church incidentally; there is no duplicity, no deception that is beyond them. The prostitute use is another realm, conveniently locked away and opened for their gratification when they feel the inclination ... I'm sure her man seemed like a nice "normal" guy too).

Op please leave this filthy animal addiction or no addiction . Leave , move on and hold your head up high 💜

So his addiction is to prostitutes? Surely if he was a sex addict (🧐) or claiming a sex addiction, then surely he’d be having frequent sex with his wife, and presumably all sorts of other women - not only prostitutes?
I have an addiction to buying clothes and shoes, and chocolate biscuits. No I don’t - I just want to....a bit like men using prostitutes really. As someone else upthread said, if the situation was reversed - bet HE wouldn’t be being so kind and understanding. Good luck and get those STI tests asap pleeeeease.

Has he been checked for STIs? Does he know if he has children with any of these women? Are you prepared for one to show up at some point?
Read some of the online ‘reviews’ for sex workers. It gives you an idea of how these women are viewed by the men who exploit them. It’s not like the movies with confident sexy women who seduce men. Many of these women are drug addicts or being held against their will. Their pimps keep hold of their passports and demand the money they owe for being brought to the UK. The ‘brothels’ are dirty rented flats or squats.
He will almost definitely do it again, can you live with that?

The original post sounds like it's been written for a creative writing piece...

Just in case it isn't and this is real, leave him. He has no respect for you or women in general. You can do way better for you and your children

Lots to unlock here.
It's an addiction hmm.......really then why isn't he wanting sex with you op, all the time? Either it's an addiction or its not. Or is this his 'excuse'.
Why can't you tell your friends and family about 'his addiction'? What would your father say. Or your child's friends parents? Oh great, can he babysit my child. Why can't you tell anyone in real life, because you know the answer don't you.
Your husband is a piece of shit. This is who he is. This is how he views women and girls. He doesn't care that the vast majority of prostituted females have been abused as children. Just think about that. Raped as a child and now used constantly, possibly to fund a drug habit or pay an abusive boyfriend. This is who your husband is. Do you seriously believe that if a woman had won the lottery or could make vast sums of money in other ways that they would choose to tolerate spending time with dirty, misogynistic , men like your husband. Men who ultimately dispise women. This isn't a Hollywood film set.
Stay with him if you want. I couldn't let my child be around someone with that mindset never mind tolerate him as a husband. If you do stay all his views about females will be soaked up by your innocent child, every nuance, every subtle stance that women are 'lesser'. You will never trust him but only you can decide whether you want to live that life.

Agree you all need std tests.

Also agree I would view this as fraud, but I don't judge "pragmatic love"

That said...you need to wake up a bit.
It's beyond naive to say you don't have concerns as to him doing it again because the fact is he most likely will as this is who he is so you need to accept your reality of your situation.

If you want to continue the marriage (which you seem to) you'll need to "accept" his dalliances, turn a blind eye and just get an std test every 6 months or so.

Ps. Sorry this happened to you - it's a terrible shock and betrayal

I stayed and tried to make it work for three years but I couldn't, he did it again (never stopped the behaviour really) I regret the time I wasted trying to make it work. I saw in the end this was just who he is and he had no space for me in his life, I was a " respectability" screen for him to hide behind when he was lying about the person he was to the rest of the world.

This seems like the most relevant post itt.

As someone says above - where do you get your certainty he won't return to it. You can't simultaneously excuse it as an addiction while believing he'll just stop, just like that and not be a danger to returning to it.

Even if it's not some kind of addiction, it's evidently a habit .. and he evidently chooses sex with prostitutes instead of a d ahead of sex with his partner so ... How exactly is he going to just instantly, miraculously change that mindset and habit? He didn't feel the need to do so all this time. No conscience of his own led him to any real or lasting change in that.

Of course he's going to appear horrified, penitent, earnest etc about stopping at the moment. He had everything to lose ; his relationship, his marriage, his family in its current form, his reputation, his image etc if it gets out why you've separated from him. He knows how he'd look if anyone knew, to your family, his family, wider community etc. He is "fighting" for his life as such. Of course he's going to appear sincere.

What he dies when the danger appears past and he's back in his ordinary mindset and habits is something else entirely. He'll probably just learn to hide it better and not make the mistakes that hit him caught before.

OP this is such a painful time for you and its never going to be the same again with your partner.
After reading more of these posts I also have to agree that in 99 percent of cases these men rarely change.
My ex saw my initial forgiveness as a green light to carry on and that I was desperate to keep him.
I reality he got very good at at hiding it. When I packed my stuff to finally leave I found several 'punting' phones. He had also been on a punting site where Johns would share tips on how to avoid partners finding out.
I too am wary of addiction. That would imply at all costs, a very destructive path that would almost certainly involve other women hook up sites and possibly porn. It does seem like a lifestyle choice as opposed to an addiction, which again he chose to engage in.
Think of 5 years time, how this will affect you?
I ended up with genital warts, and had a complete mental health breakdown which involved a stay away from home.
I lost my career and dignity through his choices. We dont need to be nice and forgiving we can just leave?
I am now married to a wonderful man and am much improved but I feel very unlucky that I had gone through this when I had done nothing but adore him.
I think you have been very understanding but you need to focus on you and daughter now

OP is you are still reading, why can't you talk to anyone? Is it because you know that literally no one in your lives will excuse him for this? That they will loathe him and look down on him? Because you do know, don't you, that that is the correct reaction to his actions and excuses.

Real life support would perhaps help you can to see more clearly. If you can't get away for you, really consider what sort of man is raising your daughter, because I would be finding it impossible to reconcile any thought of maternal protection with her main male input being from a man who thinks women are orifices to purchase.