Can I recover years of cheating with escorts?

[lalunedujour]

Ladies, I turn to you for impartial advice, by this I mean if possible not to project yourself onto my situation and think - what would I do? Don't, because you will never know what you would do until it happens to you. You think you know your partner and above all you think you know yourself, but then something like this comes up and all is out of the window.

Long (wish) story short - I discovered in July that my husband had been seeing prositutes, escorts, whatever is the correct term for it, for years, as in since I was pregnant at least so about 4 years ago. All in the midst of coronavirus and being in full isolation, with me out of a job and him being the only provider (first time in our lives).

I can't begin to explain the rollercoaster of emotions at the time (still now) but there and then it was intense and a sever shock. He was never 'the type' and in fact I always had a higher sex drive than him and he hardly initiated sex in our relationship, well past the first year at least.

He confessed straight away and went into a full meltdown, confessing a long addiction since his teens as it was how he broke his virginity (the things we learn!!) His excuse or reasoning was that it had been a secret for years and he always thought he could get rid of it, but it was an addiction.

He saw a therapist since then and did everything he could, whatever that means, to regain my trust, to apologise and to express his own disgust.

I have tried my hardest to forgive him but of course I cannot - I am constantly reminded by the thought of it all, the betrayal, the lies, the ability he had to do it for YEARS, while I was pregnant, working hard, trying to get back to my female self after birth etc etc but he was content in his sex life I guess because he was visiting countless places at least once a week.

No need to bang on about the details as to how I found out but lets say Uber rides is a wonderful app to look at..

So here I am, 6 months later, trying to get over this with immense struggle. My main source of strength is my daughter who I simply cannot destroy over this.

I don't have concerns as to him doing it again, but I can't move past what has already been done.

I appreciate your insight.

I think that your daughter will be more affected by you staying than you leaving. She might end up forgiving future partners when she shouldn't because you taught her to do that.

My ex left after infidelity and it was the lies and gaslighting that was far more damaging than the sex itself.

Staying for your DD's sake is a horribly heavy burden to place on your dd. She can have a good relationship with her Dad post divorce if he puts the effort in too.

Oh they're always "addicted" and need "help".

Leave him, it won't destroy your daughter and of course he will do it again

Your DD doesn't have to be "destroyed" by this. No offense but that's extremely dramatic and you saying you would be doing doing the destroying is clearly wrong and speaks of a martyrdom attitude. (I have to stop.hervfrom being destroyed etc).

Your dh has destroyed your marriage & family.

Your DD will adjust and so many children are raised in separated/divorced co-parenting situations. Are you saying they're all destroyed?

Why do so many people start threads like this and then never return ?

There is a new one nearly every day

@AnyFucker

Why do so many people start threads like this and then never return ?

There is a new one nearly every day

Because it's much easier to stay a victim while insisting you're not, than to accept that you are one, and leave.

You cannot want your daughter brought up by a man like this. Even if he did do some nice things for you ten years ago or whatever.

Do you think anyone will fail to see the issue when they know the full story?

Oooft, I could have written your post. Said he was addicted, went for counselling, visited whores throughout my pregnancy and never stopped. I left, took our 1 year old with me and I've never been happier and I don't truly think that's something a women can/should get over.

Sometimes threads like these crop up on here and you see women tearing their hair out, beating themselves up, trying to reconcile themselves to the behaviour etc etc. I understand there'd often more financial dependence and that adds a real element of reluctance, fear and stress but I really have to wonder men would do even a fraction of the same self flagellation and hair tearing and self doubt ....

The vast vast majority of them would never ever try to work through finding out their partner had been repeatedly unfaithful; with either sex workers (there are male escorts) or non sex workers. They would never consider staying, they'd never consider counselling, they wouldn't question themselves, and they'd probably be quick to brand her a damaged, flawed, degenerate slut/mess etc as well as inherently not good mother material.

I think we should take a leaf from their book tbh.

Could I? No, not ever. This ain't 'just' infidelity, OP, and and it's not an addiction, either. My ex was a cheating arsehole. My DD is not destroyed. She is happy, well adjusted, and loves living with me and a stepfather who treats us like beloved people and not trash. At 11, she tells me she hopes she ends up with a man like my DH, not daddy, who treats every partner like trash.

No idea if you're coming back, but if you are reading: he did it repeatedly. He had sex over and over with women having multiple partners a DAY. He had sex with them. He treated real, living breathing women as commodities he could buy, while you nourished and grew a daughter. He did all that, putting not just you, but your daughter, at risk of horrible diseases which can and do cause birth defects. Think on, what will destroy your daughter? You taking care of the two of you, or him? I know which is more likely.

Too right

I truly don't mean to be unkind, to OP or anyone else, but there are so many times when a man proves himself an absolute shit of a partner and father, and the woman stays "for the children", and it's just so obvious that she's really staying for herself, because leaving is very very hard. I don't say that with judgement, but I do think it's often the case. It's hard to watch.

He has cheated. It's time to go.

He isn't addicted. I say that as someone who spent their single years enjoying sensual massages every few weeks. I haven't cheated on my wife in our 15 year marriage. There is no addiction for this, just desire to do it weighed against consequences.

It’s funny how it’s always an addiction with these things and not someone doing something that they know is awful but think they can get away with:

@AnyFucker

Leave him because of your daughter.

All those coerced women are someone's daughter. Your husband is scum.

This.

I couldn’t ever forgive someone who had abused prostituted women. You know, don’t you OP, that many of them will have been forced into it by their “boyfriend“ to feed his ( and their ) habit.

Others will be women and girls who are trafficked ☹️☹️.

Please don’t think that’s not the case in your area. I know someone who is a HCP in a small town who spotted a girl of about 14 who was brought in for urgent health care. They suspected that she was trafficked and informed the police who were able to rescue her later.

That’s the reality of what your husband has been doing. It’s not Pretty Woman and Belle De Jour.

I know you don’t want to believe this - no one does. But you need to face the reality of who your husband is, if you decide to stay. You have to the right to make an informed choice.

This happened to me in year 3 of relationship (well that's when I found out). I "moved on". In year 10 of relationship found out again. So the relationship finally ended.

I never got to the truth but guess he saw escorts throughout our relationship. So from my pov, chuck the fucker xxx

You won’t get over it

From
My experience OP, you can push it to the back of your mind and go on functioning as a couple reasonably well but something inside simply ‘dies a death’ — I find it relatively straight forward to forgive (and it wasn’t escorts) but I have found it impossible to forget to be honest. I think if you genuinely do still care about the other person it’s often actually kinder to insist they move on , in my case (and I didn’t leave for quite a few practical reasons ) it certainly killed the sex life and affection on my side too.

Your daughter will arguably be more impacted by a relationship where there is no respect than a clean break separation.

@PammieDooveOrangeJoof

It’s funny how it’s always an addiction with these things and not someone doing something that they know is awful but think they can get away with:

It's the first time I've heard of an addiction to prostitutes. Addicted to sex, yes, but prostitutes? New one on me.

And apparently he's addicted because that's how he lost his virginity .

It may be an addiction but addicts usually relapse so consider that.

That’s the thing, addicts don’t just stop, they hide what they’re doing.

Not in a million years would I want to plan my future with this man.

Why on earth would you want to even try and forgive / move past it. No reason makes it worth it. DC will be happy if you're happy.

You would not destroy your daughter by leaving. It would be hard but not impossible, and in any case, does she need to know the full details other than perhaps his infidelity?