Can I recover years of cheating with escorts?

[lalunedujour]

Ladies, I turn to you for impartial advice, by this I mean if possible not to project yourself onto my situation and think - what would I do? Don't, because you will never know what you would do until it happens to you. You think you know your partner and above all you think you know yourself, but then something like this comes up and all is out of the window.

Long (wish) story short - I discovered in July that my husband had been seeing prositutes, escorts, whatever is the correct term for it, for years, as in since I was pregnant at least so about 4 years ago. All in the midst of coronavirus and being in full isolation, with me out of a job and him being the only provider (first time in our lives).

I can't begin to explain the rollercoaster of emotions at the time (still now) but there and then it was intense and a sever shock. He was never 'the type' and in fact I always had a higher sex drive than him and he hardly initiated sex in our relationship, well past the first year at least.

He confessed straight away and went into a full meltdown, confessing a long addiction since his teens as it was how he broke his virginity (the things we learn!!) His excuse or reasoning was that it had been a secret for years and he always thought he could get rid of it, but it was an addiction.

He saw a therapist since then and did everything he could, whatever that means, to regain my trust, to apologise and to express his own disgust.

I have tried my hardest to forgive him but of course I cannot - I am constantly reminded by the thought of it all, the betrayal, the lies, the ability he had to do it for YEARS, while I was pregnant, working hard, trying to get back to my female self after birth etc etc but he was content in his sex life I guess because he was visiting countless places at least once a week.

No need to bang on about the details as to how I found out but lets say Uber rides is a wonderful app to look at..

So here I am, 6 months later, trying to get over this with immense struggle. My main source of strength is my daughter who I simply cannot destroy over this.

I don't have concerns as to him doing it again, but I can't move past what has already been done.

I appreciate your insight.

My dad was a horrible Pervy man who did very similar you think your daughter won’t know or find out but she will. And is that the environment you want her brought up in? Is an unhappy mother and a dad who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself better than leaving and starting again the 2 of you?

Salvaging some sort of happiness for the 2 of you or just dragging yourself and her through a life of lies, deceit, and cheating? You can choose to stay, she hasn’t chosen this life. You need to choose yourself op, love yourself enough to not let your husband think it’s ok to do what he did and you’ll stay, love your daughter enough to leave and give her the chance of a better life without unhappiness etc. It’s horrible being the kids in a farce of a marriage it’s blatantly obvious when parents are staying together for the kids.

If, one day, your daughters husband did this would you encourage her to stay or leave?...

It is such a difficult position you are in. You want your marriage to work as does your husband. But he has done something that you don't know if you can live with for the rest of your life. The dynamic of your relationship has changed forever and you are the one who has to accept, forgive or at least put up with what he has done. I can imagine that you cannot even speak to your family and friends about this. I get it is an addiction but it is such a damaging addiction to you. I have no words of advice really but I can understand the compassionate part of you that wants to forgive your husband who you love and who has an addiction. You need to go to therapy to figure out if you can move on from this and stayed married or if it is in your best interests to move on. You have a right to be happy and content with your life. I hope you find peace of mind and happiness.

I was in a relationship with someone who had a prostitute habit from before we met. I found out because he caught herpes and wasn't careful about using condoms. When I went to an STI clinic, I had caught several from him.

I don't know that much about why people visit prostitutes but I do know that it's a habit they rarely change. I think he'll continue given time and he's going through the motions to win you back.

I had a good think about what to do but immediately knew when I found out that I would never forgive him. He had put my health at risk and he was treating me with contempt. I left him to get on with it.

I also suggest you have a think about how he managed to have two lives and all the lies he told. I don't think I could love someone and treat them like that.

Fuck all the above shit.

He is an lying, cheating, cunt.

You and your child deserve better.

by this I mean if possible not to project yourself onto my situation and think - what would I do? Don't,

OP only you know your own limits - what you can forgive, what it takes for you to move on, if you can trust him after this etc

Some people would forgive and forget what your DH did but others wouldn’t forgive a flirty text from a girl.

What I am confused about is why you are so confident that he won’t do it again?
I’m assuming he got caught so he turned on the waterworks and begged for your forgiveness - which is obviously your call but he’s only sorry because he got caught out.

I can't move past what has already been done.

You unfortunately never will... What has been done can't be undone and it will be in your mind forever. Up to you to decide if you're worth more than to just get over it and continue on letting him off for having his fun.... IMO sure people can say sorry and act like they regret it... But that doesn't change it. He got his fun and you're willing to move on and forget it. There's only one winner here.

And who's to say he won't do it again!? He told you?? Sounds like he's been a pillar of faith so far.

No leave and get therapy, you will never get over it if you stay ! I'm still trying to get over it and I'm glad I left as it's still easier away from him . Your daughter will learn to be like you.. either by staying with a man who treats her the same cos that's what she learnt from mums life... or she will be strong independent and never take a mans shit just like mum ....

No I could not get past it. My DH had a crush on someone else possibly an EA and several years later I'm still struggling.

My main source of strength is my daughter who I simply cannot destroy over this.

Do you really think that women (or men) who end a romantic relationship with the other parent of their kids for any reason, including infertility (and in your partners case, a total absence of respect for women including you and the ones he saw as a commodity to purchase) are "destroying" their children?

Leaving your partner does not equal destroying your children. You can coparent. Think how many people separate / divorce... do you really think they are all "destroying" their children?

You hopefully don't think that, so why are you positioning your own situation as being a choice between staying or destroying your child's world... that isn't what you'd be doing by leaving.

Frankly you'd be showing her women are more than capable of being independent and having boundaries and an expectation of respect from the people in their lives.

No, you can’t. He paid women for sex, which to me is on a very thin line between consensual and non consensual sex.

I’m so sorry he lied about something so disgusting and has made you feel this way. My only sane advice would be to leave him and bring up your DD without someone like him in your life. How would he feel if his daughter worked as a prostitute when she’s older and men paid her? You both deserve better.

As well as the blatant shitting all over your life, your trust and your family unit, he put your health at risk in a MAJOR way without a second thought.

You say that he claims it's an addiction and then you say you're not worried about him doing it again.
If it is an addiction, he's not going to be able to kick it just like that.

Walk away and build a happy home with your daughter and yourself. He's a piece of shit.

This isn’t what you want to hear, but some things are unforgivable in life. You’ll never see him in the same way, his actions have long-standing consequences that you may not get over. Your relationship won’t continue on the trajectory it was before, and you know now that your previous happiness was all a facade as behind closed doors he was deceptive and disrespectful

@lalunedujour

I agree with you

I don’t ageee prostittues are poor vulnerable people either , not all of them have pimps or are trafficked, infact they are the minority ,I’ve researched this and most are independent, money greedy trash that wouldn’t think twice of sleeping with your husband on his dinner break for £50 trust me stop saying it’s rape or painting them as victims , I’ve seen many and it’s not the case at all , many do it on the side alongside a full or part time jobs

Op what your partner did was disgusting but please don’t let advice on here push you to a decision it has to be your own , have you friends and family members you can speak to about this so you can get perspective from people that actually know him?

None of us can tell you if he’ll do it again or not

I would also like to add that before Infidelity happens people will swear they’d leave straight away , they think it’s so easy but when it actually happens to you , when the perfect husband and life you thought you had is ruined by a man who appears no different to any other man or husband it’s not as easy as you think and any woman who has been through the same will tell you this.

I don’t ageee prostittues are poor vulnerable people either , not all of them have pimps or are trafficked, infact they are the minority ,I’ve researched this and most are independent, money greedy trash that wouldn’t think twice of sleeping with your husband on his dinner break for £50 trust me stop saying it’s rape or painting them as victims , I’ve seen many and it’s not the case at all , many do it on the side alongside a full or part time jobs

Men who pay sex workers for sex cannot know those sex workers aren't trafficked, vulnerable or abused. They are willing to run the risk. Decent men wouldn't do that.

You say you've 'researched this' but what does that mean? As in an scientific, academic research paper into the motivations and backgrounds of sex workers? I would assume not if you are saying the majority of them are 'independent, money greedy trash.'

Not "all" are prostitutes are any one thing, because they are real, living people not a homogenous group. The point is that punters are willing to run the risk that the one they pay for sex IS one of the vulnerable, non independent, at risk ones. And they are still happy to pay for sex with them.

The fact you humanise the punter involved by making it 'your husband' despite dehumanising prostitutes as mainly 'trash' is very telling. With misogynist women like you, who needs sexist men.

It's 2021 and some women just can't seem to get behind the idea of aiming for a world where vulnerable women aren't a commodity for men. How depressing.

I would, just once, like to see a post that goes 'my husband has been seeing prostitutes for years and when I confronted him he admitted to being a scummy fuck who has no respect for me or our relationship, nor a fuck to give about the fact he puts his dick in trafficked women.'

It's always an addiction, a meltdown, an emotional breakdown.

Nah. Men visit prostitutes because they want to. And it is perfectly ok for you to not want to stay with someone who chooses to do that, OP.

[quote Lauren551]@lalunedujour

I agree with you

I don’t ageee prostittues are poor vulnerable people either , not all of them have pimps or are trafficked, infact they are the minority ,I’ve researched this and most are independent, money greedy trash that wouldn’t think twice of sleeping with your husband on his dinner break for £50 trust me stop saying it’s rape or painting them as victims , I’ve seen many and it’s not the case at all , many do it on the side alongside a full or part time jobs

Op what your partner did was disgusting but please don’t let advice on here push you to a decision it has to be your own , have you friends and family members you can speak to about this so you can get perspective from people that actually know him?

None of us can tell you if he’ll do it again or not

I would also like to add that before Infidelity happens people will swear they’d leave straight away , they think it’s so easy but when it actually happens to you , when the perfect husband and life you thought you had is ruined by a man who appears no different to any other man or husband it’s not as easy as you think and any woman who has been through the same will tell you this.[/quote]
My 'research' has been 40 years working with women and some men who prostituted. I've had one crying on me because she had to work and didn't want to. Some fucking arsehole shagged her even with her red, tear-stained face. Another women went to work because her BF had no drugs, she gave him the money, he used it, then beat her for 'cheating' on him. That's two of a thousand stories.

If your 'research' is online bear in mind that pimps and punters are writing the history of these women.

You’ll never get over it. It’ll torture you, and you’ll never trust him again. The pain will lessen in time but why should you have to put up with that? You’ll always be wondering if he is where he says he is.

I’m sorry, but I don’t buy the addiction excuse - he chose to go there and to deceive you. He’s just sorry he got found out.

I could never stay with a man who has put his penis into someone else (or in your Dh’s case, many many someone’s) whilst supposedly in a relationship with me. He doesn’t respect you. And your dd will be fine. Better to leave him now while she’s young.

In regards to previous posters saying it isn’t rape with a prostitute, ask yourself would this woman have had sex with this man if money wasn’t involved? Is there a genuine connection and want towards that man. No there isn’t, they only do it for the money and they don’t enjoy it.

MY XH was unfaithful. for an extended period. I chose to go to counselling with him to work out what I wanted for me. I chose to divorce him. My DC were 5 and 7. He wasn't the man I thought he was, a shabby, lying, dirty cheat. I can never regret ending it. I couldn't even bear to be the in same room as him - how could I have swallowed up that shit.

I think your daughter is why you should leave!

This is a man who thinks women and girls not only CAN be bought and sold to satisfy men's sexual urges but SHOULD be.

I very much doubt he's stopped and even if he has I doubt it will last.

He put you and your daughters health at risk many multiple times and in multiple ways, spent money he shouldn't have, spent time away from you that he shouldn't have, betrayed, deceived and humiliated you.

Why do you think you have to stay?

I left my ex for cheating and that was one woman and was bad enough. I have never regretted leaving but I do wish he hadn't cheated.

I raised my dd alone for the most part and she is absolutely fine. Indeed she is now almost 20 and away studying and living (as best as one can in current circumstances) a good life. I am immensely proud of her.

No amount of counselling will ever change who a person fundamentally IS - he is a person who showed you and your daughter NO loyalty NO care NO thought, he also didn't care if the girls/women he was shagging were trafficked, violently raped (I am of the opinion that prostitution is effectively rape), addicts or otherwise desperate - the "happy hooker" crap is a myth!

He is a disgrace and that will never change.

Sorry to hear this op, it seems in sometimes we never truly know our other half at times, not sure what to advise other than put your health and well being first and foremost, and apologies but the song I get around is now in my mind,

I want to vomit when I read these threads.
Pregnant wife at home while he goes and puts his dick in any hole that accepts money.
It's so disgusting.
Your health risked, if he'd given you a disease while pregnant then your daughters life could have been risked.
The deceit and outrageous waste of money.
Treating women as nothing but commodities.

He has destroyed your marriage. He's revolting and selfish.

You can make your own choice as to what you'll do but I can guarantee this will wreck your mental health, you'll be paranoid he'll do it again, how will you sleep with him again knowing what you do?
This is his fault.
He needed to be single and revolting, not pretend to be a family with someone and lie and scheme.

Get an std check, seek further counselling and realise you're worth 20 of this stupid fucker and plan your life and goals that don't take him into consideration ever again.

You can nicer forgive him. He won't change. You need to leave him
For your daughter, not stay for your daughter

Do you know what I resent after the betrayal is the amount of money, family money that would have been wasted on this :(

Hi everyone and thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my message. I know we are all different and living in different circumstances, so just to clarify I posted to get your views because I cannot speak to anyone about it. I am taking it all on board! Some replies have shown more 'understanding' than others, by this I mean humanity towards my appeal. some messages have been quite aggressive, which to be honest I do understand, but I must point out are not particularly helpful. Im a strong woman so I can take it with a pinch of salt understanding the disgust, but please bear in mind that some women aren't as strong maybe and the type of messages I read could push someone to the edge. You never know the state of mind of the person who is reading your message, that's all im saying. Especially these days, it's hard enough to cope with anything.
But again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your efforts in sharing your views, experiences, and advice. Love and light to you all xxx