Can I recover years of cheating with escorts?

[lalunedujour]

Ladies, I turn to you for impartial advice, by this I mean if possible not to project yourself onto my situation and think - what would I do? Don't, because you will never know what you would do until it happens to you. You think you know your partner and above all you think you know yourself, but then something like this comes up and all is out of the window.

Long (wish) story short - I discovered in July that my husband had been seeing prositutes, escorts, whatever is the correct term for it, for years, as in since I was pregnant at least so about 4 years ago. All in the midst of coronavirus and being in full isolation, with me out of a job and him being the only provider (first time in our lives).

I can't begin to explain the rollercoaster of emotions at the time (still now) but there and then it was intense and a sever shock. He was never 'the type' and in fact I always had a higher sex drive than him and he hardly initiated sex in our relationship, well past the first year at least.

He confessed straight away and went into a full meltdown, confessing a long addiction since his teens as it was how he broke his virginity (the things we learn!!) His excuse or reasoning was that it had been a secret for years and he always thought he could get rid of it, but it was an addiction.

He saw a therapist since then and did everything he could, whatever that means, to regain my trust, to apologise and to express his own disgust.

I have tried my hardest to forgive him but of course I cannot - I am constantly reminded by the thought of it all, the betrayal, the lies, the ability he had to do it for YEARS, while I was pregnant, working hard, trying to get back to my female self after birth etc etc but he was content in his sex life I guess because he was visiting countless places at least once a week.

No need to bang on about the details as to how I found out but lets say Uber rides is a wonderful app to look at..

So here I am, 6 months later, trying to get over this with immense struggle. My main source of strength is my daughter who I simply cannot destroy over this.

I don't have concerns as to him doing it again, but I can't move past what has already been done.

I appreciate your insight.

he hardly initiated sex in our relationship, well past the first year at least.

he was visiting countless places at least once a week.

Little wonder.

He actively, purposefully puts sex with prostitutes ahead of sex with his partner.
Seems like he sees them as for sex, and a partner as not. You can't deal with fucked upedness of that level; let alone all the lying, infidelity etc.

And he must have been spending a fkg fortune! Of your family money.

He's a dud, defective .. chuck him back.in the sea. Be glad you only have one child with him.

Oh and the prostitutes who've posted on here have said that most punters are punters for life. They show them pics of their attractive wives and partners, they talk about them, they have many many "last times" but they always turn up again sooner or later.

Leave him because of your daughter.

All those coerced women are someone's daughter. Your husband is scum.

If sex for him is a sweetie shop variety experience with strangers or semi strangers, and has been since he first started having sex. ... How would he ever be rewired to see sex as an exclusive, intimate, one person experience with a woman you know intimately in every way and who is a rounded, varied, real, multiple role person.

He obviously likes sex that way and it suits him or he wouldn't have done it for years in and off, and kept doing it even while getting into a "monogamous" relationship, a marriage, and having a family. Can't imagine him changing much or at all permanently. He's probably always going to be one of those (hopefully minority) of blokes who visits prostitutes whether he's in a relationship or not.

Do you think maybe you are putting pressure on yourself to forgive him and get back to the place you were before? I would think the very best possible outcome in this is the ability to acknowledge his faults (major) and come to peace with what he has done, to split on good terms and coparent in a cooperative way. I think that is as much as anyone in your position could hope to achieve. Unfortunately the relationship you thought you had cannot be recovered as it didn’t really exist. You will have to forge a new one and given what you know now it would be foolish to expect a committed monogamous relationship. Addictions don’t go away, they kick you when you’re down and it is likely he will slip up in future. It would be better to be disappointed as a friend than heartbroken as a partner for both you and your child.

AF is right, leave because of your DD. Be a positive example.

This is too big a thing to get past, not least because he knowingly put you and your DD’s health at risk and would never have told you.

Why on earth would you think he isn't still doing it?
He has done this all his sexual life. It's his M.O and the love of a good woman did nothing to change that.
He has been spending your family money on his 'addiction' all the time you knew him, when you were at your happiest together and when you were at your lowest - he still did it.
He will always do it.
Please get rid of him. I promise you your life will improve no end without this piece of trash in your life. He has zero respect for women. If he did he wouldn't see them as a purchasable commodity.

Ladies, I turn to you for impartial advice, by this I mean if possible not to project yourself onto my situation and think - what would I do? Don't, because you will never know what you would do until it happens to you. You think you know your partner and above all you think you know yourself, but then something like this comes up and all is out of the window.

Oh I absolutely do know what I would. Nothing could make me stay with someone who had done this once, never kind for years.
No one here can tell you if you will get over it. Its very unlikely, so why would you stay with him?

Get rid of him!
Just think what advice you would give your daughter when she’s older if her partner treated her like that? Or your friend or sister? It’s despicable behaviour and you will never have trust together again. There will always be underlying paranoia that he’s up to stuff behind your back again. He’s clearly a very experienced liar and doesn’t want a monogamous relationship.
Be alone and enjoy the single life and you’ll maybe meet someone further down the line who isn’t a complete cunt and will cherish you!

If your daughter was an adult and married, and she came to you with you the same problem. What would your advice be?

I'm just echoing what so many will say, but I am really sorry this happened to you. It must have been a great shock and I feel for the situation you are now in.

To me there are so many layers to this deception and that in itself would cause me to really wonder if the relationship can survive. If he was able to rationalise this addiction for four years including when you were pregnant.... Then it shows that he is able to justify betrayal efficiently. I don't know how many people would be able to do that so completely if I'm honest. I'm sorry but I don't know if there is a way for your relationship to become healthy after that. It may survive but I'm not sure what form it would survive in. I think you really need to think about what your life will be if you stay together.

Xxx

He will very likely do it again.

I wouldn’t stay with someone who has such a poor view of women. What would you tell your daughter to do if this was her husband?

@lalunedujour what do you want?

From your OP, it sounds like part of you thinks you ought to struggle on, find a way to forgive because he looks so remorseful and has done 'all the right things'. That a divorce will hurt your dd and that somehow it will then be YOUR fult because you havent managed to forgive him.

Bit at the same yime, I thnk yu are quite clear that actually you cant manage to forgive. Neirther what he did, nor the fact he managed to lie and hide it so well from you for YEARS. And the fact eh was happy to sue money for that despite much tighter finances. So putting himself before his family.

I think you know most poetrs on MN will tell you to LTB.

I think you need to find a counsellor for yourself and arrive at a solution that works FOR YOU.
One that will protect you self esteem that has just been destroyed.
One where your boundaries are respected
One where you live a life that is true to yourself - would you be able to look at your dd in 10 or 20 years time and tell her you stayed 'just for her' and accepted the lies, the unfaithfulness? You would be happy to basically say that all that wasnt such a big deal? Do you want to teach her this is not such a big deal?

It's been 6 months. You are still struggling to process it. I think you need support to do so.

My DH put his hand up someone's skirt. In front of me. I know he did no more than that.

After three years of trying, I still couldn't forgive him - and he was genuinely sorry.

We ended up divorced.

Leave him - and after you've split the family assets fairly, estimate how much his 'habit' cost your family over the years, and demand he pays half of that into your child's savings account, out of his share.

Have you told anyone else?

My main source of strength is my daughter who I simply cannot destroy over this

If you want to stay with him - and it's fine if that's your choice - then please don't use your daughter as a reason.

Later down the line she could find out what her dad is like. & "I stayed because of you" may not cut it with her. She'll have questions and her own thoughts as a young woman.

Particularly with a Dad that views women as sex objects. & A Mum who stays.
If you don't want to leave then Counselling for yourself could help you see a way forward in coping within your marriage.

I do wonder if you aren't/will become repulsed by him. All those years of fucking strangers, would you not "see" unwanted images in your head when you're making love with him?

& He's spent a lot of family money on his sex habit too. I don't think he cares for your daughter that much really. & He's a beyond poor role model for her in terms of what to accept and expect in a relationship.

What will destroy your daughter is being raised by a distracted and preoccupied shell of a mother.

He could have taken those thousands of pounds he was spending on prostitutes and spent it on private therapy to cure his "addiction" and you would have been none the wiser but he didn't did he?

As others have said he would still be doing thing now if he hadn't been exposed, and there's always an excuse - If it's not 'addiction' it's 'depression'. Anything rather than admit the truth with cheaters.

Willingly blind never ends well OP - protect your daughter and protect your peace. End it.

💐

Being in a single parent family does not destroy children. And what a rude assumption.

Far more destructive to be raised in a home Where the mother’s boundaries are so poor they excuse years and years of prostitutes aNd lies.

Also he said it is an addiction yet you have no concerns he will do it again. Thats ridiculous. Of course he will.

If uou want to stay because it is easier to do so and turn a blind eye, that is up to you. But own that decision. do not make your daughter the reason you stay. That will be far more damaging to her in the long run.

@FlamedToACrisp

My DH put his hand up someone's skirt. In front of me. I know he did no more than that.

After three years of trying, I still couldn't forgive him - and he was genuinely sorry.

We ended up divorced.

Leave him - and after you've split the family assets fairly, estimate how much his 'habit' cost your family over the years, and demand he pays half of that into your child's savings account, out of his share.

He sexually assaulted someone in front of you?! Or they were having an affair?

God, that is disgusting! Why would you want to get past it?

I can tell you what I would do because I ended my 12 marriage over far, far less in the infidelity stakes than this. So far less than this, in fact, that this is off the scale and I can't actually imagine how I would have reacted to it. But I can tell you I wouldn't be trying to get past it.

Personally I would have to leave this man. There would be absolutely no question. I feel I need to set an example to my DC.

He's a creeper. This is so grim. You won't be "destroying " your daughter by leaving him, you will be protecting her. This is a man who thinks it's OK to use other people's daughters for sex. He's only stopped now because he's been found out. He'll go back to it again. And even if he doesn't, how you can you bear to have him anywhere near you?

Oh and my children weren't destroyed by it.

I can't even begin to respond to that.

You seem to think as little of women as your husband does.

You might not be able to parent on your own but the majority of us manage to do it without 'destroying' our children 🙄

For some men seeing escorts is a fetish. A sexual preference. He is extremely likely to do it again. I would divorce.
I'm an ex escort.

To be fair there is a lot of piling on the OP now when she obviously is reaching out for support and maybe a bit of kindness?
Unless you have been in an intimate relationship with another person who has been leading a double life, you have no idea the range of turbulent, confused and soul destroying emotions on an hourly basis.
Its very hard to seperate the person (who is expert at playing at/ presents as your wonderful partner) to someone who at the same time is a complete stranger.
The gaslighting and trickling of information and confessions can literally cause you to have a complete breakdown and cease functioning.
I know we are living in difficult times but where has empathy and compassion gone. MN is like a nest of vipers lately. So much for sisterhood.