Ive got the icks!

[000Dandelion000]

I feel like a monster writing this. I dont want to diminish or try demeaning my OH. I just want advice on how to approach feelings/discussing this issue.

My OH repulses me, his dirty habits, laziness and constant sex fuelled remarks. I wake up feeling repulsed by the thought of him and we dont even share a bed. I see him asleep on settee and it boils my blood. Im at the point of resentment, cant bend over or lean in cupboard without gropping or sexual remarks. He hugs and kisses me i feel so turned off. Just want him to get off me. I dont want foreplay i want sex to be over quick. I just dont know why i feel obligated to have sex when i dont want it. I wanted off the pill because i didnt want sex and to see if hormones are the cause. But he suggested pulling out or other sexual things thats a no go for me. So i went back on the pill as pull out isnt guarenteed and the fact he kept asking. I never used to feel like this i enjoyed his company, the intimacy. We used to have sex everyday but now about 3 times per week. I know i could happily go without.
I have a good routine up by 7. Showered dressed sort house/go to work etc. But he can go literally weeks without showering or changing clothes and setee bedding. Makes me feel sick the smell of the room. And when i see him asleep still at 2 or 3pm angers me. Hes an all evening/night gamer, the lack of routine, motivation and poor hygiene infuritates me. I have dropped subtle hints like shall i get towels ready. Or ask him to wash bedding. I get fed up im not his mother. At the same time i dont want to belittle or be nasty to him. I dont know how to word it without it coming across like that.

Thanks to all for reading. Any suggestions?

[frazzledasarock]

She doesn’t not downstairs.

[toocold54]

How old are you OP?

Having sex 3 x a week is still a lot especially considering how much he repulses you!

I am wondering if there’s more controlling issues going on here because now he’s trying to turn it around and act like you’re a bully - I feel like these are adding up to red flags.

[000Dandelion000]

@toocold54 Im 25 hes 31. Hes said in the past hes got a high sex drive which i knew anyway

[Wheresmykimchi]

@frazzledasarock

Where is he abusive;

OP is being coerced into sex. She downstairs what to have sex with him, but feels she has to.

OP has told him she wants to break up. He’s accusing her of abuse. She seems paralysed to try and get him out of her own home. She is financially maintaining a grown man who contributes nothing to her life.

He is calling friends accusing OP of being abusive. And yet he won’t leave.

Right so if a woman called her friend and said she was being mentally abused, we'd expect her to leave right that minute would we?

Course we wouldn't.

[Dery]

OP - ignore the poster who said you can’t make him leave and who seems determined to make out that you’re being unreasonable. You’re allowed to break up with this guy and you’re allowed to require him to leave.

You have entirely valid reasons for calling time. And in fact it would be reason enough that you want to call time.

It’s your place - you pay for it and he contributes nothing. He needs to find another home. He can sofa surf for a while if need be.

He sounds disgusting and staying with him will be destroying your self esteem and your life spirit. You also mention wanting children so please don’t waste any more time with him.

Of course he won’t be happy with your decision but the cost to you of remaining with him will actually be far higher than the cost to him of you ending the relationship. Any distress and pain he suffers will be temporary. In time, he will get over you and almost certainly find someone else whereas if you stay with him your life will be wretched and miserable permanently.

You don’t need to live like this. In fact, you owe it to yourself to end this relationship and move on without him.

[Wheresmykimchi]

@Dery

OP - ignore the poster who said you can’t make him leave and who seems determined to make out that you’re being unreasonable. You’re allowed to break up with this guy and you’re allowed to require him to leave.

You have entirely valid reasons for calling time. And in fact it would be reason enough that you want to call time.

It’s your place - you pay for it and he contributes nothing. He needs to find another home. He can sofa surf for a while if need be.

He sounds disgusting and staying with him will be destroying your self esteem and your life spirit. You also mention wanting children so please don’t waste any more time with him.

Of course he won’t be happy with your decision but the cost to you of remaining with him will actually be far higher than the cost to him of you ending the relationship. Any distress and pain he suffers will be temporary. In time, he will get over you and almost certainly find someone else whereas if you stay with him your life will be wretched and miserable permanently.

You don’t need to live like this. In fact, you owe it to yourself to end this relationship and move on without him.

Assuming you mean me.

I don't think OP is unreasonable and I didn't say she cant make him leave.
I think PP citing women's aid and abuse are.

[SoulofanAggron]

You can throw him out whenever you want, you don't need a reason except you want him out- it's your home.

Making it stink vilely is reason enough for you to want someone to leave, let alone his manipulativeness, and lying about you/blackening your name to other people. And he still expects you to let him stay there after he's done that! Just goes to show how much he takes you for granted and doesn't respect you.

[SoulofanAggron]

He is calling friends accusing OP of being abusive. And yet he won’t leave.

Right so if a woman called her friend and said she was being mentally abused, we'd expect her to leave right that minute would we

@Wheresmykimchi I think what the PP meant is that he is lying to other people to paint her black, for his pleasure or to make him look good. If he were really that unhappy he wouldn't be there. He lied to make her look bad while at the same time taking advantage of her hospitality. Ugh!

[Lilymossflower]

Kick. Him. Out.


^^^^^^

[BubblyBarbara]

What did you see in him in the first place? Maybe look into that and see if you can rediscover the spark?

[billy1966]

The OP is having difficulty getting a smelly lazy man out of HER home.

She feels obliged to have sex with a non washing man.

The OP's self respect and boundaries are on the floor.

Speaking to some in Women's Aid might help and give her the strength to get him out.

OP must be very vulnerable to have put up with such an appalling situation for 3 years.

Women's Aid might be able to help or point her in the right direction.

Having sex with a filthy smelly man 3 times a week is not the actions of a healthy woman who knows her value.

The OP could do with support.

[Dery]

@Wheresmykimchi - I did mean you. I don’t think engaging in lengthy arguments with posters about whether or not this guy is abusive (and his behaviour is very poor if not actually abusive) is helpful to a vulnerable OP who needs to be encouraged to free herself of him, especially when he is using manipulative tactics on her to make her think she isn’t allowed to get him out of her life.

She absolutely is allowed to get him out of her home and her life. That actually would be the case whether or not he was behaving badly but he is most definitely behaving badly. The focus should be on helping her do that.

[Wheresmykimchi]

[quote Dery]@Wheresmykimchi - I did mean you. I don’t think engaging in lengthy arguments with posters about whether or not this guy is abusive (and his behaviour is very poor if not actually abusive) is helpful to a vulnerable OP who needs to be encouraged to free herself of him, especially when he is using manipulative tactics on her to make her think she isn’t allowed to get him out of her life.

She absolutely is allowed to get him out of her home and her life. That actually would be the case whether or not he was behaving badly but he is most definitely behaving badly. The focus should be on helping her do that.[/quote]
I haven't made lengthy arguments.

I made one or two responses to ridiculous PPs suggesting womens aid.

I don't disagree. My point was only that those types of comments are not only offensive but also may well lead OP to think 'well he isn't that bad'. Anyone is allowed to get anyone out their life , absolutely. Never said otherwise. I also had an issue with everyone ridiculing the mentally abused comment because we just wouldn't do that if the sexes were reversed. Both my comments were at PP and not OP.

All of this is very different to you saying I am determined to say she's unreasonable which is just made up , for what reason I'm not sure.

[Piglet208]

OP You have spoken to him and he hasn't acknowledged your feelings at all. He has made it all about him. You have supported him financially, emotionally and sexually for years. He is not doing anything for you. His issues are not for you to solve. Tell him to leave. Give him a deadline so he can make other arrangements. It really does sound like you will be happier without him.

[PinkNails1]

@000Dandelion000

I understand he has no where to go. But i also understand what ive read on it. After talking to him about this and seeing all the posts i realised a lot. Hes a full grown man who cba to look after himself, get a job or be prepared to take the weight of me if needed. Instead hes choosing to live a cost free live with high expectations of others.
I also have my own life, work, stress without feeling bad for someone who doesnt care to show some appreciation back. With having such a busy life (as does everyine else) maybe i did turn a blind eye, but does this really mean i have to mother him or support him any longer.
I think of the future will i be paying for this man till i die, or put off having children cause his a big kid himself.

So when is leaving? He hasn’t had a job in 3 years, doesn’t contribute financially to your home and stinks the place out.

Tell him he needs to leave. Tonight. He’s not your problem. He will have to find somewhere to stay because he can’t continue to ruin your life and mental health.

[WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo]

Hi OP, well it sounds like he went straight for emotional abuse and gaslighting (you're the bully ) when you finally confronted him about his unacceptable behaviour. And went off to enlist some flying monkeys to his cause (narc behaviour).

So add emotional abuse to the financial and physical abuse you are already suffering (being bullied into constant unwanted sex with a filthy human is physical abuse in case anyone is wondering). I do think some advice from somewhere like woman's aid would be of help to you. Look at the freedom programme too. And finally read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft for an excellent insight in these types of behaviours from abusive men.

[Yousexybugger]

He's a disgusting pig, OP, sling him and his grotty stuff out. He will find somewhere to go, don't you worry. Manipulators like him always do.

Look, you said to him outright what your issue is. It's all fixable. He has made no attempt to fix it, just to turn it into some big psycho drama where you're now supposedly abusing him. Just chuck him out. You'll be so much happier.

[minmooch]

How are you @000Dandelion000 ? Have you been able to sort things out? Hope you are ok