My friend raped me and I don't know how to move on.

[frozenfawn]

I’ve name changed for this because I just need to get this out somewhere. I can’t access counselling or therapy at the moment so I’m hoping taking a big deep breath and talking about it will help. It’s outing, I’ve fudged a few details, but if you’re someone I’d told you’d know it was me.

It's an essay I'm afraid...

In 2019 myself and my now-DH got engaged. My closest – male – friend started withdrawing from me, being standoffish etc. We had known each other for a number of years, pre-dating my knowing DH, and I was also friends with his wife. I went around to his house one evening to hang out, had what I thought was a nice time, and then the next day received an essay-length WhatsApp from him saying I wasn’t the same anymore, I never made time for/didn’t care about him, he felt neglected in favour of my relationship etc. (If that sounds familiar, I wrote a thread about it at the time.)

The whole thing stunk of jealousy, and his wife ended up sending him round to see me like a child to “make up”. The whole thing was utterly bizarre. I Have Issues from things that happened to me as a teen and found it all very upsetting – I have a deeply ingrained fear of being disliked/am terrified of people I care about being upset with me. It’s something I’m aware of and am working on, but at the time this incident completely blindsided me.

We were ostensibly still friends but didn’t speak anywhere near as often as we had before, but after the above incident I was okay with distancing a bit. The incident was around April. In December that year, he started texting me more again, wanting to hang out etc. I was pleased – I thought maybe he was wanting to get our friendship back to how it had been before, which I would have liked. Due to Christmas we couldn’t meet up until the New Year but it was nice speaking again, just texting about shared interests and our lives etc. I was reluctant to talk about DH so as not to set him off, which I look back on now and am so upset for myself walking on eggshells.

In the January we met at his house, his wife was out. He was touchy-feely in a way he had never been before – we had always kept a respectable physical distance. Joking about me sitting on his lap, playing a computer game that meant being cramped close to each other in close quarters etc.

At the end of the night he told me that he and his wife had opened their relationship. Before DH I, too, had been in open relationships, and he seemed to think I would jump at the chance to make our friendship physical. I said, probably overly nicely, that I wasn’t interested, and went home.

Over the next 2 weeks he assured me repeatedly that our friendship was the most important thing and he was totally happy that I’d said no.

We went out for a quiet drink at a pub – my suggestion, neutral and public ground – and had a lovely time. I thought it was Back To Normal. At the end of the evening we walked halfway home before each going our separate ways. We hugged goodbye (normal), but then he grabbed my bum and squeezed. As I pulled away, he also grabbed my breast. I kind of froze, tried to laugh it off, said goodnight and left.

From this point on it’s a mess. I was repeatedly raped as a teenager by an ex who acted in much the same way – seeming to prey on my inability to upset people and taking advantage of that. He told me he loved me and I didn’t want to hurt him; my friend was saying he loved me (platonically) now and I didn’t want to cause a drama or hurt anyone. I’ve had a lot of counselling in the past to deal with it, but I really wasn’t expecting to ever be in a similar situation again and it totally blindsided me.

My ‘friend’ invited me over (again a couple of weeks later) and I went, having told him again that I was in a monogamous relationship and not interested in more. He said again how being friends is most important etc. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend – we had been so close for a few years and nothing like this had ever happened before. I wanted to believe things would go back to normal and I would have my friend back. This friend knew about my history. Now, the cynic in me wonders if he used that playbook against me intentionally, knowing how I would likely react.

We were watching a movie together – normal activity for us – but when I went to get up to go to the loo he pulled me into his lap. He started touching me, kissing my boobs etc, and I just froze. I stared at the wall behind his head and froze. Eventually he stopped and I went to the loo and the night carried on like nothing had happened.

I knew deep down that I needed to leave and never see him again, but the pain of that loss combined with my existing trauma responses meant I was frozen. It felt like I was on autopilot. I didn’t want to let on that anything was wrong so I carried on as normal.

I went to his house one final time before lockdown, thinking it couldn’t possibly get worse than it already was and wanting things to be “fixed” and “normal” again. He did the same thing again, but this time kissed me. I let him. I felt 17 again, confused and hurt and betrayed and not wanting anyone to hate me. I was dying inside, but I let him. I know – believe me, I know – that my trauma response to this is beyond fucked up. I hate myself for it. He kept pushing for sex, and I just felt dead inside. I couldn’t leave to walk home, it was a long walk and late and dark, and I couldn’t call DH to collect me early because he would ask why. Most of all, I couldn’t handle the thought of the hurt and confrontation, I didn’t know what to do, so I basically played dead. I let him lay me down on the floor, where he raped me. I pretended everything was okay while inside I just curled up and died.

It was just like my ex when I was 17 – he was using it to claim ownership of me when he felt jealous. Exactly the same. I knew it deep down when it was happening but I didn’t want to believe it was true. I do know it fully now. It feels like it all played out in slow motion around me.

DH picked me up not long after, then lockdown happened. I spent the next 4 weeks a hollow shell, in so much pain, just broken. I kept acting like I was okay. ‘Friend’ kept texting to say how much fun he had had, I kept acting like things were fine, until one day I just couldn’t anymore. I went for a walk one evening and called my oldest friend and just broke down. I cried my eyes out to her in a field near my house. Then I went back and I told DH what had happened.

DH has been nothing short of unfailingly supportive; he knows my past and my issues, and I am so lucky to have him. I also confided in a couple of mutual friends who were also amazing. I told my ‘friend’ what had happened from my perspective and both he and his wife went apeshit. I didn’t use the word rape in my message but they knew that’s what I meant by how I felt and went on the defence in a huge way. I removed them both on my social media, blocked their numbers, and haven’t seen or spoken to them since.

But I just… can’t get over it. A lot of the time now I’m doing okay, until I’m not. I’m scared of being alone with men now, even colleagues, because I don’t trust what they might do even when they’ve been completely innocent up until that point.

It’s affecting how often I want to be intimate with DH; on bad days, I feel physically terrified of sex or even being kissed. I feel trapped and suffocated and like I can’t escape, just like I felt in that room. I feel like part of my mind is still there. I have flashbacks about it just like I have about the rapes when I was 17. Those have never gone away, but I’m numb to those ones now as it’s been so long (very long, we are all in our late 30s). These ones are so raw still.

I don’t want to keep talking to DH about it; we got married at the end of last year as planned (a tiny wedding within the restrictions) and he is so wonderful, I am so happy in my relationship and I don’t want him to have to deal with this burden, even though he is so understanding. I wish I could fast-forward to feeling numb about it like the other times. That just feels so far away right now.

TL;DR my friend raped me and I don’t know how to move on.

Please don't tell me how stupid I was to return to the situation after the first incident because believe me I know and I hate myself for it every day. I wish I was a strong person, the type that could have told him to fuck off and just walked away. Things in my past have broken me somewhat, and I though I was so much better but all it took was one incident and all that strength that was 15 years in the making just shattered instantly.

I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get out of this thread.

I guess I just needed to write it down.

I'm sorry, OP.

I have rarely read anything that has chilled me more. Your 'friend' is a manipulative, dangerous, cold, calculating rapist. This bastard knew exactly what he was doing, and it's because he knew precisely how to choose his victim and work around the (woefully inadequate) system, that regrettably I must agree @WhereverIGoddamnLike is likely right about the legal position. The two hateful rapists who did this to me (one incident at the same time) did something not dissimilar. It started off as smaller patterns of abuse, which then escalated. This is not about you, nor is it your fault. It's the way they work.

Like you, I had a longer history of abuse and I was eventually diagnosed with cPTSD. I want to echo the experience of the PP who wrote this:

My experience is that normal counselling doesn’t cut it. You need to process the trauma. I had EMDR, done by a clinical psychologist.

This is true. EMDR is really effective, so much so that it's given me my life back: a life I never knew I'd lost in the first place. It was only when I encountered a major trigger (sexual harrassment in the workplace) and afterwards became seriously ill without any apparent cause that I connected the dots as to the symptoms of that illness. I had a psychological evaluation, and then was diagnosed.

The good news - and there is good news even in terrible situations like this - is that trauma is eminently treatable. It can't take away those memories but it can strip the emotion out of them and enable a clarity of vision you once never even imagined possible. One day you will smile again. I'm living proof.

Sending positivity, empathy and solidarity from a sympathetic stranger

Also this is important on why freezing up is common during rape, and not everyone will fight back or say no

www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/i-just-froze/

OP I just wanted to add to the litany of voices reiterating that this was clearly not your fault - he chose to rape you.
I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I have not had an identical experience but have had similar and you describe it very well - the freeze response is not, never has been and never will be enthusiastic consent. I am so sorry lovey.
As to possible reporting, is there a way of reporting coercive sex without seeking to prosecute but such that there is a record, in case his name pops up at a later date? Does anyone know ? On top of which, it wouldn't do any harm if he was taken in for questioning, even if CPS won't touch it or he denies it, as it might bring home to the bastard the gravity of what he has done (or make his wife reflect on it for that matter). Only you know if you are strong enough for that though.
It's only words on a screen but I really do feel for you and it makes my blood boil that you have been let down, been hurt, been manipulated and been violated by someone who used his knowledge of you and your past as a weapon against you. Scum doesn't cut it - he deserves to rot in hell.
Sadly, as others have said, there will be people including those called to be jurors (male and female) who don't know the psychology of PTSD, don't know the complexity of rape and that there are many case studies just like yours. Please ignore those attitudes - including some of the ignorant on this thread - if they did a little reading, they might understand it better but you were very articulate in how you described what happened. That eloquence might help you if you did decide to report but you do whatever will help you heal and move forwards. I wish you well

I’m afraid I too concur with @WhereverIGoddamnLike. However this guy knew your vulnerabilities all too well and exploited them ruthlessly. You clearly have PTSD from the earlier rapes and just feel powerless to assert yourself when pressurised .....I do hope you can access counselling soon. Do not allow this monster to demean your sense of self...that’s what he wants ....to twist things and blame the victim not himself.

OP, I totally understand. I think (never did quite get the details out of her because she was so traumatised by it) that something very similar happened to my DSis when she was young.

He knew that I freeze rather than fight or flight, he knew it was an intrinsic part of me, he knew what I would do in that situation but he did it regardless

That is because he is a rapist, and knows it, and deliberately picked you out as a vulnerable, manipulable victim because of your past.

What follows is a bit on the wordy side, but it may help you understand that he really did know exactly what he was doing, and chose to do it quite deliberately and with pre-planning. And that his behaviour is not unusual; there's a frighteningly large minority of men who do this.

There was some very interesting research by an American criminal psychologist called David Lisak into what he called "undetected rapists". He used questionnaires, where he asked men questions about their actions without using the word "rape" (e.g. "have you ever been on a date with a woman, ended up alone with her, and held her down with your body weight until she stopped saying no, then had sex with her?"). The questions of course met the legal standard for rape, but without actually using the word. 6% of the men he interviewed (male American campus students) admitted to behaviours which would meet the legal definition of rape. He then repeated the questionnaires using the same descriptions, but this time explicitly adding the word "rape", and 5% admitted to having raped women; they simply hadn't been caught. Furthermore, on average they admitted to 6 rapes each.

So rapists generally know what they are doing is rape, they just don't care. It's not that they've "misread your signals", they've deliberately picked out a vulnerable woman and engineered a situation where although they know damn fine you haven't consented to sex, they have "plausible deniability." This idea that it's just a confusion over communication is a load of hooey (though, unfortunately, as noted upthread, one which the legal system buys into wholeheartedly ).

Also this is important on why freezing up is common during rape, and not everyone will fight back or say no.

This was my experience. I more than froze up; my mind shut down and my memories afterwards are hazy: the one thing I do see with utter clarity is the pattern on the carpet, its colour, and the smells and sensations (primarily of being engulfed) that remain from that situation. That's the primary reason why in a court of law I'd have stood no chance.

People talk of 'fight or flight' but 'freeze' is rarely mentioned. Thankfully most people won't ever experience it. My mind was trained to shut down because of certain behaviour by my father: he would pin me up and there was nowhere to run to, so my mind trained itself to detach.

'Freeze' is a real response. It's your body and mind doing what they think they need to do to survive.

This 'why didn't you fight back' protestation you sometimes hear makes my blood boil. Victim-blaming at its finest.

The one person to blame is the rapist.

I reported to police my EXH made me cos I was not believed cos everyone was mutual friends I was the one that suffered got blamed took me a while to get over that, police had no interest until he did it again 5 years later, then wanted me to go to court as a witness which I did, my EXH friends etc were all there as character witnesses for him but jury believed me and his latest victim, and just remember that's what we are victims however they dress it up or people say you are wrong for going back into the situation I felt I had no choice peer pressure and friends not believing stay strong frozenfawn xx

I used talking therapy services for a different issue. Absolutely useless. I might have well as talked to a wall

Would you say this to someone who had bad experiences with a doctor, dentist, teacher? Not all therapists are identical, not all come from the same way of working, not all are experienced in all issues that are likely to come up. Some therapists are crap, like some dentists, accountants or lawyers.

Also some people don't find therapy useful, some people are not willing to do the hard work involved, some people have happened upon the wrong therapist or type of the therapy for them. It is, however, a failure in logic to extrapolate from that that no one, including the OP, would benefit from therapy.

@BibbityBobbety thats eerily similar to the extend it could be the same guy, I'm so sorry

@OhCaptain thank you so much for your support (and defending me to some) on this thread, it means more than I can express

There are too many of you to tag individually but I am overwhelmed by the response to this thread, thank you all so much

To those who've asked about their reactions, I didn't say to him that he had raped me just expressed how uncomfortable I had felt and that he had violated my boundaries and I felt manipulated etc. He was just "hurt" and stopped really speaking to me, his wife (who was with her boyfriend on these occasions) was furious that I had any sort of problem with his behaviour as "he is a really good guy", it all came off as defensive really. I mainly blocked/unfollowed them as it was triggering panic attacks every time I saw one of them on my newsfeed/opening WhatsApp and it was the only way I had of protecting myself.

I think as a first step I will email Rape Crisis, I'm not sure I can afford EMDR right now but I'll have a look around at options for it as it seems like it could be just what I need. Honestly I just want the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts to stop, even if I could just fade them into the background like static or white noise that would be a huge improvement...

My God but he is pure evil to have done that to you.

Of course this is not your fault.

Great advice above.
You poor pet.

No therapist worth their salt will ever make you feel you were at faukt.
If they are, it’s them and them not being professional.

Freezing in such circumstances is a survival mechanism. I fully believe what you said. You were raped, wo a doubt

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.
I’m another one who will strongly recommend EMDR - it has a much quicker effect than talkingtherapies so doesn’t require months and months of weekly sessions, so hopefully that will make it more affordable for you.
Take care

Contacting Rape Crisis is a terrific first step, very courageous.

I know you say you cannot afford EMDR and I can appreciate that. Do consider perhaps how you might apply the "afford" judgement if it was your husband suffering so terribly. Sometimes people like us, ie. those with PTSD, don't seek quality treatment bc we feel we don't deserve it.
This is about you and your mental safety, you are worth it.

@frozenfawn No thanks necessary. I'm so proud of you for reaching out. I know that probably sounds patronising but it's honestly a step just writing it down!

Emailing Rape Crisis is another great step. They will absolutely be able to point you in the direction of real life help.

I truly believe that healing is possible. Not overnight but definitely possible.

The main thing in ALL of this is to be kind to yourself. You deserve nothing but kindness.

So sorry that this happened to you OP.

I feel sick for you about what happened and how he treated you, but also his and his wife's reaction. He knows what he's done and she knows too.

It's not your fault OP! I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Please call rape crisis. And if you can access regular therapy please do so.

I'm so sorry. I was also put in a terrible situation by someone who I thought was one of my oldest, loveliest friends. It's not your fault.

I'm so glad you have a good man in your husband and I hope Rape Crisis are able to support you. You will be believed and your reactions are not unusual.

If you can scrape the money together for EMDR, it's worth investing in your mental health, always.

I'm so sorry

I don't know what's local to you but rape crisis should be able to help.

Also I can't recommend sarc enough.

They're aren't just there for recent attacks. They can put you in touch with counsellors and a whole wealth of people who can help. If/when you want to report they can support you. But also they're not there to push you. They understand you might not want that at all. Honestly they just listen to what you want and need.

www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364

OP, you are not stupid and you did not deserve what happened to you. You trusted someone who took advantage of that trust.

It may be worth speaking to your husband (if you feel like you can) to explain how the trauma is still effecting you. You said he was amazing and actually it may be that talking to him may help. I doubt he's a trained therapist, but sometimes talking to the people we love most (speaking as a survivor of trauma) can be far more beneficial than a therapist.

Whatever you decide though, it is your choice to make and you need to remember; you did not deserve this.

I was googling EMDR last night to see if its available on the NHS, looked like it could be, although would entail a longer waiting list.

I'm glad your DH and close friends have been supportive. I hope you can get advice from Rape crisis or similar.

I'm sorry this has happened OP. He is a manipulative, cold, cruel and cowardly shit.

Some men feel that by being acquiescent it means it is ok for them to barge ahead.
You know it was dangerous to have gone back around there..
I was abused as a child and froze, but righteous anger hopefully will develop.
Counselling didn’t help me, but speaking to other women who had been abused as children did.

You need to access decent support, for sure.
When anger comes, no man would be left on any doubt as to how you really feel.

NO MEANS NO😤

Thank you for writing about this Frozenfawn. Something similar happened to me years ago when I was first married and I was just so surprised and embarrassed FOR the man, my "friend", a colleague, that I just froze too. Awful. Of course if it all happened again now I would not have hung out with this man, and I would have laughed at him / ran away or something. But at the time I was young and scared. Literally scared stiff and frozen. Now I think it is much more common than people think and after years of going over it I have decided to let it go, forgive my younger self, for being a good girl and not making a fuss, blaming my upbringing for wanting to be that good girl. Now I don't go anywhere with any men that might have the slightest chance of having the wrong idea about my intentions. It's hardly a very modern approach to life is it but some men are gits. My DH is lovely about it. I'm so sorry this happened to you and to many many other women. As PPs have said the police don't understand it. Some good advice on here which I am going to look into myself. For you OP

I’ve just finished reading this thread and didn’t want to read and run. I don’t have any advice that previous posters haven’t already given.

I just wanted to say that:
I am so sorry that this has happened to you!
It was in no way your fault!
I’m pleased you have a supportive husband who you can talk to.
I hope you feel able to access the support that others have advised and I think you have taken the first step to this by writing your original post.

Please take care of yourself.

@op and @BestWatcherInTheUnit second this. I had something called wing wave, it’s like emdr and quickly works on ptsd and trauma response. Life changing. I’m really sorry you’ve had such an awful experience.

This isn't your fault in the slightest! You're absolutely allowed to go to a friends house and expect him to respect your boundaries, please don't put any blame on yourself. He knew you'd said no but kept on forcing you to do what he wanted. He's appalling. I'm so so sorry you've been through this! You're husband sounds fantastic. I'd definitely try to get some support via zoom if you can though. Xx