My friend raped me and I don't know how to move on.

[frozenfawn]

I’ve name changed for this because I just need to get this out somewhere. I can’t access counselling or therapy at the moment so I’m hoping taking a big deep breath and talking about it will help. It’s outing, I’ve fudged a few details, but if you’re someone I’d told you’d know it was me.

It's an essay I'm afraid...

In 2019 myself and my now-DH got engaged. My closest – male – friend started withdrawing from me, being standoffish etc. We had known each other for a number of years, pre-dating my knowing DH, and I was also friends with his wife. I went around to his house one evening to hang out, had what I thought was a nice time, and then the next day received an essay-length WhatsApp from him saying I wasn’t the same anymore, I never made time for/didn’t care about him, he felt neglected in favour of my relationship etc. (If that sounds familiar, I wrote a thread about it at the time.)

The whole thing stunk of jealousy, and his wife ended up sending him round to see me like a child to “make up”. The whole thing was utterly bizarre. I Have Issues from things that happened to me as a teen and found it all very upsetting – I have a deeply ingrained fear of being disliked/am terrified of people I care about being upset with me. It’s something I’m aware of and am working on, but at the time this incident completely blindsided me.

We were ostensibly still friends but didn’t speak anywhere near as often as we had before, but after the above incident I was okay with distancing a bit. The incident was around April. In December that year, he started texting me more again, wanting to hang out etc. I was pleased – I thought maybe he was wanting to get our friendship back to how it had been before, which I would have liked. Due to Christmas we couldn’t meet up until the New Year but it was nice speaking again, just texting about shared interests and our lives etc. I was reluctant to talk about DH so as not to set him off, which I look back on now and am so upset for myself walking on eggshells.

In the January we met at his house, his wife was out. He was touchy-feely in a way he had never been before – we had always kept a respectable physical distance. Joking about me sitting on his lap, playing a computer game that meant being cramped close to each other in close quarters etc.

At the end of the night he told me that he and his wife had opened their relationship. Before DH I, too, had been in open relationships, and he seemed to think I would jump at the chance to make our friendship physical. I said, probably overly nicely, that I wasn’t interested, and went home.

Over the next 2 weeks he assured me repeatedly that our friendship was the most important thing and he was totally happy that I’d said no.

We went out for a quiet drink at a pub – my suggestion, neutral and public ground – and had a lovely time. I thought it was Back To Normal. At the end of the evening we walked halfway home before each going our separate ways. We hugged goodbye (normal), but then he grabbed my bum and squeezed. As I pulled away, he also grabbed my breast. I kind of froze, tried to laugh it off, said goodnight and left.

From this point on it’s a mess. I was repeatedly raped as a teenager by an ex who acted in much the same way – seeming to prey on my inability to upset people and taking advantage of that. He told me he loved me and I didn’t want to hurt him; my friend was saying he loved me (platonically) now and I didn’t want to cause a drama or hurt anyone. I’ve had a lot of counselling in the past to deal with it, but I really wasn’t expecting to ever be in a similar situation again and it totally blindsided me.

My ‘friend’ invited me over (again a couple of weeks later) and I went, having told him again that I was in a monogamous relationship and not interested in more. He said again how being friends is most important etc. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend – we had been so close for a few years and nothing like this had ever happened before. I wanted to believe things would go back to normal and I would have my friend back. This friend knew about my history. Now, the cynic in me wonders if he used that playbook against me intentionally, knowing how I would likely react.

We were watching a movie together – normal activity for us – but when I went to get up to go to the loo he pulled me into his lap. He started touching me, kissing my boobs etc, and I just froze. I stared at the wall behind his head and froze. Eventually he stopped and I went to the loo and the night carried on like nothing had happened.

I knew deep down that I needed to leave and never see him again, but the pain of that loss combined with my existing trauma responses meant I was frozen. It felt like I was on autopilot. I didn’t want to let on that anything was wrong so I carried on as normal.

I went to his house one final time before lockdown, thinking it couldn’t possibly get worse than it already was and wanting things to be “fixed” and “normal” again. He did the same thing again, but this time kissed me. I let him. I felt 17 again, confused and hurt and betrayed and not wanting anyone to hate me. I was dying inside, but I let him. I know – believe me, I know – that my trauma response to this is beyond fucked up. I hate myself for it. He kept pushing for sex, and I just felt dead inside. I couldn’t leave to walk home, it was a long walk and late and dark, and I couldn’t call DH to collect me early because he would ask why. Most of all, I couldn’t handle the thought of the hurt and confrontation, I didn’t know what to do, so I basically played dead. I let him lay me down on the floor, where he raped me. I pretended everything was okay while inside I just curled up and died.

It was just like my ex when I was 17 – he was using it to claim ownership of me when he felt jealous. Exactly the same. I knew it deep down when it was happening but I didn’t want to believe it was true. I do know it fully now. It feels like it all played out in slow motion around me.

DH picked me up not long after, then lockdown happened. I spent the next 4 weeks a hollow shell, in so much pain, just broken. I kept acting like I was okay. ‘Friend’ kept texting to say how much fun he had had, I kept acting like things were fine, until one day I just couldn’t anymore. I went for a walk one evening and called my oldest friend and just broke down. I cried my eyes out to her in a field near my house. Then I went back and I told DH what had happened.

DH has been nothing short of unfailingly supportive; he knows my past and my issues, and I am so lucky to have him. I also confided in a couple of mutual friends who were also amazing. I told my ‘friend’ what had happened from my perspective and both he and his wife went apeshit. I didn’t use the word rape in my message but they knew that’s what I meant by how I felt and went on the defence in a huge way. I removed them both on my social media, blocked their numbers, and haven’t seen or spoken to them since.

But I just… can’t get over it. A lot of the time now I’m doing okay, until I’m not. I’m scared of being alone with men now, even colleagues, because I don’t trust what they might do even when they’ve been completely innocent up until that point.

It’s affecting how often I want to be intimate with DH; on bad days, I feel physically terrified of sex or even being kissed. I feel trapped and suffocated and like I can’t escape, just like I felt in that room. I feel like part of my mind is still there. I have flashbacks about it just like I have about the rapes when I was 17. Those have never gone away, but I’m numb to those ones now as it’s been so long (very long, we are all in our late 30s). These ones are so raw still.

I don’t want to keep talking to DH about it; we got married at the end of last year as planned (a tiny wedding within the restrictions) and he is so wonderful, I am so happy in my relationship and I don’t want him to have to deal with this burden, even though he is so understanding. I wish I could fast-forward to feeling numb about it like the other times. That just feels so far away right now.

TL;DR my friend raped me and I don’t know how to move on.

Please don't tell me how stupid I was to return to the situation after the first incident because believe me I know and I hate myself for it every day. I wish I was a strong person, the type that could have told him to fuck off and just walked away. Things in my past have broken me somewhat, and I though I was so much better but all it took was one incident and all that strength that was 15 years in the making just shattered instantly.

I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get out of this thread.

I guess I just needed to write it down.

You are not alone, Op.
The fearful, abused mind works differently to how we want it to.
I've done similar regarding returning for validation and getting into a bigger mess.
Don't be unkind to yourself

Try to give yourself the same compassion you'd give any one of us who told you the same story. When you find yourself blaming yourself, can you try to catch yourself and step back and ask if that's what you'd be telling a friend.

What this man did, especially using your past against you, was unconscionable.

There are pp in this thread saying the op consented: I would like to remind them that consent is not the absence of 'no'. Consent requires 'yes' from someone who is not being coerced in any way. At what point has the op described giving consent? She has not.

Ignoring and trampling on someone's boundaries in the way this 'friend' did to you was abusive. He was horribly manipulative by playing on your wish to maintain the friendship by taking advantage of you in initiating sexual advances.

It was clearly rape. He groomed you into lowering your defences and used your own past experiences to do so. This might give you some idea about how people with a traumatic past can be easily manipulated.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation
It doesn't mean you are not a strong person OP. Someone who can what this man did to a supportive and kind friend is a skilled and dangerous manipulator. This will not be the first time he has taken advantage of someone.

It is one of the most common reactions to danger to freeze or collapse. It happens when you feel most severely threatened and powerless to escape. Because you have experienced violent rape in the past, it is completely natural that you would have felt powerless in this situation.

The good news is that a therapist who is experienced and trained will be able to help you to make sense of this and empower you to stop taking responsibility for this man's actions. You can start to learn to enforce your boundaries and trust your instinct in future. You have been trained to ignore your feelings, which is why you could not leave the situation. You might find the book, The Gift of Fear, a useful starting point as explains why we have emotions, to protect ourselves from danger and how you can start to reconnect yourself with them.

TLDR it's not your fault, it's his and you can re-learn to protect yourself from dangerous and predatory manipulators.

I absolutely agree with counselling, rape crisis, sexual assault or women’s aid type services.

It is rape.

I can see both sides of the reporting issue:
It is traumatic, and feels woefully insignificant in terms outcome Vs cost to you.
It might add to a picture of him - reports = rare, investigations = rarer, good investigations even rarer, and thats all before PPS/CPS or court.

So yes it is a tiny piece a picture of further pain but what tipped me over to report is that if I spoke out I could maybe contribute to another woman’s safety. In the immediate aftermath of feeling powerless, being ‘nothing’ in his eyes, I felt that the only thing I could do to protect others was to report him.

He may never be under investigation again, but if he is, or someone asks for a Clare’s Law, then I will have helped stop him even in a small way, because my report might make another woman to reconsider a relationship with him, or add to a new investigation and help any (god forbid but likely) new victims achieve justice.

But the important thing to remember is that you can do what it right for you. The immediate concern is to take care of you

What did your "friend" and his wife say about it before you blocked them?

I’m so sorry op. It wasn’t your fault. Some people are absolutely disgusting and he does not deserve you!

I had a male best friend when I was growing up.
I was 16! We got absolutely paralytic drunk one night (well I did)
And whilst I wasn’t even conscious he chose to have sex with me.
I only knew because when I woke up there was blood in my knickers and I felt really sore and uncomfortable (i was a virgin).

Everyone around me blamed me because I got drunk and everyone was angry with me.

It’s not your fault, and never will be your fault.
Some people take others for granted and hugely take advantage and it’s absolutely disgusting. These people are honestly dangerous.

Let them be angry at you, the audacity of that huh....

I forgot to add.
Please report this op. I didn’t and I will always regret not doing so.

@Onadifferentuniverse

I forgot to add. Please report this op. I didn’t and I will always regret not doing so.

I'm sorry for what happened to you but please don't pressure OP like this.

She doesn't have to report it. She has already posted saying she doesn't want to, and that she understands there is little point. That's the reality.

Don't make her feel bad for choosing not to.

I'm so sorry you have gone though this ❤

I haven’t read her saying she won’t report it.
I don’t want to pressure her. Part of me not wanting to was blaming myself.

He’s married now with a child and I often wonder if he’s done it to his wife.
These men are vile and if they can do that to someone they ‘care’ about id not like to think the damage they could cause a stranger.

There's quite a bit of kicking yourself in your post, a lot of defensive explaining because you are afraid of what people will think. It doesn't matter how one looks at this - your ex friend took the fucking piss. Unless he is actually registered blind, I think it would be very obvious that you didn't want sex just from what you looked like (I doubt you looked happy) but he went ahead anyway. Not only did he ignore repeated rejections from you, but he also emphasised your 'friendship' to reassure you and to keep you coming back to his house. God only knows what his relationship is like with his wife.

Someone I used to know was sexually assaulted or raped. She was very nearly raped by her best friend and it put her in a cycle of shame, self-blame, insecurity. No wonder you're having difficulty trusting men. I agree with the others to seek professional help. If you don't like a therapist or you're just finding it beneficial, please please ask for a different one. It's really important that you find the right 'click', that you feel comfortable with a therapist. Some people need to see one or two before they eventually find the one that's right for them, so please don't let that deter you.

I'm so sorry you've had these experiences. They were in no way your fault.

I can understand the going back - the desperately hoping things would go right, go back to normal. Particularly as the friendship was so important to you.

Do seek out some help. Counselling can be done over the phone or online. I hope you can find the support you need.

@nitsandwormsdodger

You need therapy from a psychiatrist , talking therapy counselling wont be enough

I used talking therapy services for a different issue. Absolutely useless. I might have well as talked to a wall.

Please don't tell me how stupid I was

You are sooooooo far off being stupid. So far away from being stupid.

Wider heads than mine will tell you about the research that tells us that the 'freeze' response is absolutely natural, and typical particularly for those who've been through trauma before.

It's your body & mind locking down to protect you fro something that would be otherwise too much to bear.

The man who raped you is a criminal and a psychopath.

If you call Rape Crisis or Women's Aid, they will listen to you, and help you work out what you want to do next.

OP you are awesome, your ex friend is a twat. Continue being awesome, forgive yourself for any mistakes you think you made (we all make them) and focus on your lovely husband.

Your response was/is completely normal. You mind and body have responded to your trauma in the best way possible to keep you from more violence. This ‘freeze’ response and the need to make things okay especially for the perpetrators has been ingrained into female psychology for 1000’s of years. You are not to blame, your response is not to blame. Only he is to blame and his response shows he knows it.
I think you need to seek professional advice on healing and I’m sure any educated person would understand why you responded they way you did.

A psychiatrist will not blame you. A therapist will not blame you. They will help your explore the problems which led to it, and help you overcome the need you felt to go back and be kind and friendly to this man who was being inappropriate towards you. Honestly, I think it is so so important that you can find your way through that to ensure you are in control from now on and then you can move past this.
Please look into someone you can talk with.

I agree with this. This is your priority. A good therapist can surely help you to decide if you want to report it to the police or not. You need to be in a stronger place mentally, and very sure of yourself, before you put yourself back in the vulnerable position of having all the details pored over by prosecutors and having to defend yourself time and again on the stand. You would also need a therapist's witness statement, anyway, I would have thought, to help demonstrate to the court how this has impacted on you since it hhappened, and how your past trauma affected your behaviour at the time of the rape. I would make a written record of everything NOW, date everything.

Most women would not have gone back in that situation, to what was clearly a sex pest who had previously grabbed the private parts of your body out of nowhere. Most women would either have said "What the fuck are you doing?" and would have phoned their DH to pick them up immediately making an excuse like you felt ill or wanted an early night etc. And no, they wouldn't have gone back because it would be clear to most women that that man was not a trustworthy human. But you're NOT| most women. YOUR past meant you weren't equipped to deal with that situation properly. You clearly didn't recognise the signs that he was a PREDATOR and not actually on your side at all. He knew what he was doing to a vulnerable person, someone who had confided in him. HE is the one in the wrong. He took you freezing as an invitation to assault you. What kind of man does that? My husband wouldn't. Your husband wouldn't, I bet. Any decent man wouldn't.

In fact, even, EVEN, if you HAD touched his leg, or drunkenly tried to kiss him or whatever, any DECENT male friend would have recognised the situation for what it was, a vulnerable woman who was all over the place and didn't know what she was doing and would have stopped you right there and called your DH to collect you. Any decent man would have wanted to also be friends with your DH, not jealous of them, and would want to see you socially as a couple.

This was not a decent man. It was his fault and his predatory nature alone. It's quite obvious to all of us, but it wasn't to you, and for that reason, you need to work out why it wasn't and how to prevent yourself getting taken advantage of in the future, to be a better judge of character, and to be assertive in case you ever found yourself in that position again.

having compassion for myself and the younger version of myself that made me this way

There is room for everyone to examine their actions and learn, but when it's out of control it can be poisonous and damaging.

Be kind to your past self. It's easy to tell ourselves what to do, isn't it? That's because our past self might as well be a different person (and we all know it's much easier to tell other people what to do, to advise them than to do it ourselves). We cannot know or predict everything. You did what you did given the information you had at the time. That is all.

Where was his wife when this was happening?
How can she stand by him??

@Crownofthorns

I am so sorry that this happened to you - he clearly preyed on your vulnerability and past traumas and is despicable for doing so. But rape? I’m sorry, I don’t understand how you can say that he forced himself on you. He didn’t, you consented (however you felt inside about doing so).

I second the advice to seek counselling from a professional who can help you to process this.

Please google active consent.

Denying consent isn't just screaming no and fighting someone off.

Hi OP, I had something similar happen to me last year, also with a male 'friend'.

He had expressed an interest and I always very politely told him I didn't see him that way. We carried on the friendship as normal though he did always try to flirt, not aggressively enough to put me off the friendship though. But in hindsight it was pretty relentless, and done with a view to wear me down into saying yes. One evening, we were playing video games at his, drinking like we always do, and he started stroking my arm, then being more pushy (but never in a way that would immediately make me get up and run). This carried on for hours, until I was too drunk and too tired to say no, and so just lay there completely silent, let him have sex with me, and then wordlessly got up and left. He messaged a few times saying how amazing it had been and would love to do it again, oblivious to how I felt, or how uncharacteristically silent I'd been.

When I eventually told him how I felt and I why I was going to be cutting contact, he was defensive and just did not get it. He was convinced I had wanted it as much and now just felt guilty for succumbing to it... Fortunately for me, it did not traumatise me as much, and I can see that he was someone who saw me as this object to be possessed rather than a person with feelings and emotions of my own. An utterly self absorbed arsehole, and obviously the 'friendship' was just a ploy to get into my pants. I'm pretty sure if I hadn't just given in, he would have tried to get me drunk another time and forced himself on me. So in that sense, he did have the mindset of a rapist - not interested in willingness, or consent, just in getting what he wanted.

It has however made me more wary of men who try to establish a friendship with me, because i obviously missed how manipulative this one was. But I want you to know that none of this was your fault. Men like these are predators. They're smart enough to not do it in an obvious way to raise alarm bells, and instead use a slow burn method, faking a friendship to manipulate you into the situation. But what he did to you was rape, and just because it may not hold up in court, doesn't make it any less true. No one is capable of predicting every shitty, evil thing people will do to you. You acted in good faith, and trust, and he used your vulnerabilities against you.

Whatever happens, try your hardest to not let his piece of shit man take away your ability to see the good in people, trust men, and your ability to enjoy sex. Counselling will definitely help with this, and the right counsellor will absolutely not judge you. You're not the broken, damaged one - the men who assaulted you are.

I'm really sorry this happened to you but I'm positive you will get through this and come out the other side much stronger!

Also, don't beat yourself up for freezing. That is a form of self-preservation.

Each form of self-preservation comes with risks. Even fighting back comes with risks - the risk of escalation, the risk of a physical battle which is traumatic in it's own way because the woman will likely lose, the risk of serious injury or worse.