I fancy the plumber. HELP!

[PawPatrol24]

Recently single 26 year old Mumma here.
This particular plumber has come over twice the past 2/3 months to help with various things around my rented place.

He is is absolutely stunning. In his 30's. Three children. Not with the mother, but no idea of any girlfriend. Lovely to my very chatty, curious 3yo (obviously having seen her when fixing up the place).

I am sure there is a little chemistry but I'm not sure if I'm projecting. Something in the way he mentioned me being a full-time Mum, the smile on his face as he left and mentioning he's not with the mother.

He's said he'd keep me updated with various bits that need doing. Everyone says to see if he followed through with this but I can't eat or sleep properly. I feel like a 16 year old girl again!
I don't wanna step on no ones toes, but I also don't want to waste an opportunity.

Advice?!

@happyone8 It's 2021... it's time to let go of this view that men should do the chasing. Any man who was put off by a woman taking control is a bullet dodged in my opinion. I was definitely the proactive one in chasing my DP and it wasn't because he wasn't interested... he was just shy and had bad previous experience with his ex and was convinced that I couldn't possibly be interested in him. Had I not chased him, we wouldn't be here 2 years later in a very loving relationship.

It’s not outdated I believe it’s just how it works , not everything has to be outdated when it works. Not everything has to move with the times
I’ve done both chasing a guy and not and yes, I had relationships with guys I chased but they weren’t like the relationships with the guys I didn’t . The guys I didn’t treated me with more value as they took effort to get with me and I hadn’t laid it all on a plate and made it obvious how much I liked them . If you’ve had to work for something- it always has more value then something you get with no effort . Just think of life in general .
I’ve dated probably the shyest person I ever met ! He took his time to ask me out but he got there because even shy people have bravery if they really like someone.

Of course it's outdated! Give yer head a wobble.

It worked for me and many others , No need to act desperate - give your own head a wobble

[quote AramintaLee]@happyone8 It's 2021... it's time to let go of this view that men should do the chasing. Any man who was put off by a woman taking control is a bullet dodged in my opinion. I was definitely the proactive one in chasing my DP and it wasn't because he wasn't interested... he was just shy and had bad previous experience with his ex and was convinced that I couldn't possibly be interested in him. Had I not chased him, we wouldn't be here 2 years later in a very loving relationship.[/quote]
I think you’re lucky.

It could have been just as likely that he wasn’t over his last relationship and had said yes to you as a diversion or boredom. Or his shyness gets to be a real nuisance a couple of years on.

I think women do get more caught up in feelings about men and relationships. That’s why it’s easy to ask them out.It’s not brave or even a new thing. It just doesn’t work that well.
As PP said it’s not to do with being out dated or feminist. It’s what works. Sure you’ll go on a few dates or sleep together but you’ll be the one feeling rejected when he decides he’s not that keen.

Don’t be bloody daft. She doesn’t look desperate and it’s outdated to believe a man should always do the chasing. Why on earth can’t a woman go after what she wants? It’s buying into the idea that we are the weaker sex and have to let men take control and make the decisions!

She doesn’t look desperate, she looks inappropriate texting at 11pm. She looks like she has questionable judgement

To be clear I work in the city am the breadwinner and my dh is the stay at home dad . So my views are that women should definitely go after what they want and I don’t have some 1950s mindset . I’m equal if not better than a lot of men in my office , I go after what I want professionally.
However, when I was acting the same in the romantic field well it didn’t work . For some reason romance doesn’t work that way . I don’t know why . Men feel you aren’t a challenge ? It’s too easy ? It ignites something in them to chase you ? Who knows .
I’ve lived long enough to see countless friends (And me once upon a time) chasing guys who ended up fading out , treating them like dirt or just being lazy in the relationship generally .
I think pointing this out seems to touch a nerve with some people .Just keep doing what your doing then, we all have our own views .

Just because texting in this way isn’t what YOU would do, doesn’t mean Op was wrong.

Personally, I think that often it’s nothing ventured, nothing gained. Sometimes you have to just take a bit of a risk. This didn’t work out, but it’s not a big problem. The worst outcome of it not working out for the OP is some of the unpleasant and judge comments on this thread to be honest.

It’s fine, if others want to wait for the man to ask, or to text during daylight hours etc. Op made her choice....and to be honest she’s no worse off for it not working out.

I don’t know .. I think when you text and don’t get a reply you feel a bit crap about yourself no ? Even briefly . There’s the clock watching waiting for a reply and then the realisation they aren’t texting back after several hours , then wondering why they didn’t etc etc . Think I’d rather avoid that in the first place .
The op did what she did but she can read the thread and consider what she does next time . It might be to text in the day , not text at all or do the exact same thing .
We are offering different views and that’s the value of a thread

To be fair the Op did ask for advice.

Those of us in the “don’t text” camp have explained why. Op can take what she wants from all the replies.

OP I used to walk past a shop all the time and wave at the hot man who worked there and he would wave back

I braved it one night and stuck a note through the door saying hi I'm the girl who waves with the boxer dog (I always had my dog with me)

I just wondered if you fancied a drink and left my number

He texted me saying thank you so much for the note I am very flattered but I'm afraid I have a girlfriend but thank you anyway type thing

I still used to walk past , wave and smile and appreciated that he replied nicely to me.

You win some you lose some but it's worth a try I say

Better luck next time OP x

@Happyone8 Isn’t it uncomfortable and sometimes hurtful for a man to text a woman and have no reply? Why is it that they must put themselves forward to be ignored, when a woman would find this too upsetting? This is almost going back to the days of men not having feelings or being allowed to cry. Unrequited love is just as bad for men and women.

Happyone yes from my experience initiative doesn't work out long term (and I'm all for initiative, when I was younger I did that a lot), for me it worked as passionate flings but none of it led to LTRs.
I think it does work for some couples where indeed a woman likes to constantly be in charge and the man is more passive.

I like to initiate in some situations (usually when there is no expected regular social contact) but I then like to see that man taking over with initiative - which often doesn't happen!

But I'm curious about your DH, Happy - did he initiate and kept at it? Because you must have been a bit intimidating as a successful woman when he sounds like he's not on the same level professionally. If so, he is a VERY confident guy. Or do you mean that you've done all the possible enouraging for him to ask you out? Which to me IS initiating - but a more trad way of doing it (and prob the best). Glad it worked out for you.

@Rgy3250999 I’m sure it might be upsetting for a guy too but I’m a woman and this is mostly women on here too . I can appreciate that perspective though. It still doesn’t change my view on who should do the pursuing in the early days .
@CatAndHisKit I very much agree with what you’ve said. I met my dh online. He initiated the first hello but I was very jaded by this point and he kept initiating text chats etc but I thought he might never stop talking on texts ( because I’d met so many non stop text him obsessed who never met up ) I’ll admit I did end up saying - are we meeting or what 😂 you can see I was very jaded! That was more about me not wasting my time with a constant texter or the other thing I had - someone I spoke to loads but met and had zero chemistry with .
Once we met , I never made the first move again . It was hard but if he didn’t ask me on a date I’d just leave it . We once went about two weeks not seeing each other as he never asked and when he did, after a week, my diary was rammed ! He made sure to ask me at the end of each date after - as he realised I got busy and he might end up not seeing me. I didn’t cancel things just because he wanted to meet up and think it’s important to have a life that you don’t ditch when dating.
He’s average confidence , I wouldn’t say he’s overly confident . I definitely showed him I liked him on dates so that probably gave him confidence to keep asking me out.
How about you ? I hope you‘ve met someone now x

Happyone ah interesting, so you gave him the first push but the haev been very disciplined about your irges then, what you describe is The Rules word by word . Don't ask, then he asks last minute and has to learn that it woul mean waiting another week 'cos you've made other plans . But wouldnt say that afterall that, yo uare always more of a leader in your r-ship, and yo uboth like it that way? Obviously with a family it all gets blurred, but does he mostly follow your direction?
If I'm honest that's what I would like, to lead a bit - but it's vey hard to find a guy who will ne happy with that yet also fanciable and not TOO passive or a manchild. No, I haven't met the right man, after my divorce years ago I had a few short relationships and been single for a while. Somehow I'm still hoping, possibly because I know myself more but also can compromise more with age.

oh gawd, slopy typing - "then have been...your urges"

*sloppy

@CatAndHisKit haha I did read the rules ! Some of it I tossed my eyes up at but some is true . It’s good to respect yourself and not chase etc and have a busy life . I used to keep fridays free in case of second dates - but that was my favourite day to go out with my friends . When I stopped doing that my friends benefitted and guys had to find another day . I wouldn’t cancel on my friends and be that shit friend either.
Yes , I think I’m the leader in our relationship but he stands up to me and I give in on things if he argues the point and I agree . He’s definitely a typical bloke though and no doormat he just knows happy wife - happy life

@CatAndHisKit it’s tough , are you doing online dating ?

not currently as there's not much point with restrictions. I did a while ago, very on and off, I've met maybe 10 or so guys over a few years back then. NOthing came out of it, I didn't likeanyone enough beyond a few dates / one was very nice but a friend material and still emails occasionally, but we are in different cities so friendship can't really flow - shame as he was my type personaity wise but could stand his kiss on the cheek even. I only had long relationships with thosee I met in RL. Maybe I should try online again, not sure - I don't like the interview style first dates, all the judging etc, but I think I may give it a fresh chance.
Did you compromose on anything with your DH, Happy? I think I need to be a lot more tolerant of men's quirks/faults etc.

Erm I liked more mature older guys and he’s quite a bit younger . It put me off at first but I just enjoyed his company so quietened the voice that usually shouts ‘stop !! Dump him !’
It wasn’t love at first sight but over time I just started to really admire and love him . He’s apparently ‘a total hottie ‘ according to my friends but I like more quirky looking guys so the initial attraction took me time to build . It was weird as all girls stare at him and I was taking time to fancy him ! I just didn’t write it off . I started giving decent guys at least a second date , rather than giving them up on date one .
Online dating is brutal though so it’s not for everyone . On a thread with someone who’s being battered by it at the moment . It definitely takes resilience to do . I just saw it as a numbers game - the more dates , the more likely to meet someone good eventually . Good luck !

Thank you, Happy. I really can't do 'numbers' in terns of dozens of dates, I can manage a few thoughm after taking timeto sift through online - just havent bothered for a while due to my crush on someone unavailable in RL
Great that it worked out for you even thoug hno strong spark initially - lucky that he waited! (I wonder how long did it take )

On no , don’t wait for the unavailable one if he’s with someone else , too hard . Online isn’t for everyone but I wouldn’t know how else to these days ! Even my friend who’s early twenties dates that way .
It didn’t take that long probably a month Or two of seeing each other a couple of times a week . I met his friends early and saw his lovely friendship with them , could see what a lovely person he was to his sisters and parents etc Lots of things made me fall for him fairly quickly .

Did you ever hear anything back? Or did it get mentioned when he came back to fix your pipes