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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband will not speak to me

111 replies

Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 03:40

Long back story here (which I won’t go into) but h and I had an argument a few nights ago and he has ignored me since, to the point of ignoring me in front of our ds aged 3 and 2 dsc.

He did this in the last lockdown and we didn’t speak for almost 2 months. It really ground me down to the point that I couldn’t work, sleep and ended up at the gp asking for sleeping pills. We managed to get back on track whilst seeing a counsellor.

I’m not sure how to cope with it again this time round. Although I get out of the flat to work sometime, I have nowhere else to go and am worried about my dc being affected by this. My family leave over 2 hours away anyway and obviously not allowed to travel right now.

There are a few issues in our marriage which have been precipitated by sc coming to live with us full time, no space and the behaviour of one of the sdc plus h’s refusal to get help for said sdc. Not to mention h’s attitude towards parenting in general.

How do I get through is in lockdown and avoid falling into such a bad state again?

OP posts:
snowqu33n · 16/01/2021 04:04

You likely won’t want to hear what I am about to write at first, or you will minimize it and think “oh, it’s not that bad” or something but please just read it anyway.

The silent treatment is a form of coercive control. Look it up online. Also look up stonewalling. It’s really damaging for you and your ds . Some people believe emotional abuse like that is more damaging than physical abuse.
It’s not your fault, he is doing it deliberately. You can’t avoid it, he’s doing it deliberately. It’s his way of controlling and abusing you.
I think you should read up on it and take steps to protect yourself and your kid.
2 months of the silent treatment is really extreme and I am not surprised that it has damaged your mental health.
I have been there and it’s awful and so frustrating because other people can’t imagine how it’s hurting you to live with that. It’s extremely punitive and removes all your power so he basically can behave how he likes in the relationship.
I think you should take steps to protect yourself and your ds and end the marriage. Don’t bother with couples counseling because he is abusive and will manipulate it. Get counseling for yourself if you want, but start preparing to extricate yourself from the marriage in the way that is safest for yourself and your child. You will find a way, even if it’s tough.
The longer you stay, the more your view of normality will get warped and it could get harder to get the strength to leave and recover.
Try to find your sense of outrage that this is the behavior he’s modeling for your son.
He won’t change and stop being abusive although he might change the form of abuse or escalate the abuse.
Contact Women’s Aid for information and support.
Even if it seems like it would be bad to leave, you owe it to your son to give him a chance to live in a home where you aren’t walking on eggshells or there is constant tension.

LizFlowers · 16/01/2021 04:08

Pack his and his children's bags, put them outside the front door, make sure you have his keys and don't let them back in. It's then up to him to find somewhere to go but he will.

I realise that is extreme/dramatic and may not be possible but not talking to you is horrific bullying and you do not, should not, have to put up with it. It's mental cruelty, torture even, in the extreme.

As far as not being able to travel at the moment is concerned, I think it is possible in some circumstances. Speak to Women's Aid and get their advice. However I don't think you should have to give up your home, you are not the aggressor in this.

Can you speak to your counsellor? If you were having couples counselling for this very problem, they may be prepared to speak to the man and make him realise how unreasonable he is being. Nevertheless I think the best thing for you and your children would be to part. How can you ever trust him not to do that again.

Good luck. Women's Aid in the morning.

Justa47 · 16/01/2021 04:08

@Nothing77

The silent treatment is emotional abuse.
I think it might be good to read about it and seek some help.

BeanieB2020 · 16/01/2021 04:09

Please make plans to leave. This is emotional abuse.

Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 04:32

Thank you all.
I can’t leave my son and as others have said, this is the marital home and I’m not leaving as I will have effectively set a precedent in moving out.
I’m well aware it is abuse. Given the lockdown, I’m not sure where to turn. I will continue with the individual counselling for now.
I can’t believe he behaves like this in front of his children.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 16/01/2021 04:44

Why would you have to leave your son?

I can’t believe he behaves like this in front of his children

When someone shows you who they are - believe them.

He's no respect for you whatsoever. 2 months of sulking is extreme.

What Liz Flowers said

Pack his and his children's bags, put them outside the front door, make sure you have his keys and don't let them back in. It's then up to him to find somewhere to go but he will

Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 04:46

What I mean is that I don’t want to handover my son for his visits to his father if we separate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 04:48

I wish I could pack his stuff and that of his kids...unfortunately they are always at home and never go out.

OP posts:
RussellCrowesLeftEyebrow · 16/01/2021 04:51

I'm not quite sure what you want from this thread?

You are being abused. You need to leave. The only precedent you are setting is that it's OK for people to be abused. You are showing your DS and Sdc is that abuse is acceptable.

fuzzymoon · 16/01/2021 04:55

I can't believe he behaves like this in front of his children.

You saying this is you saying - it's ok for him to behave like this to me.

Take your son and go to your parents. You are allowed to do this in lockdown. Stop looking for excuses not to. This is part of the effect of coercive control.

Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 04:58

Thanks.
I’m just loathe to leave as if I do, I can’t see me getting back into the family home. Is there any way I can legally get him to leave I wonder? I think he is doing this so I am forced to leave, and then he and his children can carry on living here.
If it wasn’t lockdown I’d just be avoiding him.

OP posts:
RussellCrowesLeftEyebrow · 16/01/2021 05:02

Does it matter where you and your DC live? Surely anywhere would be better when you are away from your H?

terraclutter · 16/01/2021 05:03

If you speak to a lawyer to start proceedings then your husband would legally be asked to leave the family he whilst the judge makes a decision on what is the best course of action.
Are age to speak to a family lawyer on Monday, sure the first hour is free.
Seek help and advice from Women's Aid, they can help navigate you through this.
He sounds deeply unpleasant and this sounds a very unhappy home for you and your son.

Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 05:05

I understand what you are saying, but it does matter right now where dc and I live. I am shouldn’t have to leave my home to him and his kids due to his behaviour. I have a lot on my plate in terms of work and childcare, I don’t think I can leave right now. Would need some planning.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/01/2021 05:05

Go to your parents house. This is abuse. You are allowed to do this in lockdown. I have commented on your other thread but believe that to be a distraction from the main issues. I can see now why you’re upset there being afraid of your ds living part time in what you see to be a disturbed set up. I cannot comment further on whether it is distributed or not. A naked 11 yo in itself is not.

All I can say is your current set isn’t healthy for you, your ds or your stepdc’s and from what I’ve read so far the impact will be far worse if you leave than if you stay. You say your husband doesn’t have much time for your ds. You cannot assume he will want 50/50. He seems to have his hands full with his other children.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/01/2021 05:06

Cross post. Do you want to be right or happy?

Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 05:07

I will contact women’s aid too on Monday, thanks. I do feel for my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 05:09

He will ask for 50/50 to spite me if nothing else. Like the poster above says, I don’t want my ds growing up in the disturbed environment where dss is king and his mother is nowhere to be seen.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 16/01/2021 05:11

@RussellCrowesLeftEyebrow

I'm not quite sure what you want from this thread?

You are being abused. You need to leave. The only precedent you are setting is that it's OK for people to be abused. You are showing your DS and Sdc is that abuse is acceptable.

Support probably. Op is obviously feeling worn down by this abuse and has no one to talk to. Mn is great at handing out tough love, not so great in impossible situations.
DeeCeeCherry · 16/01/2021 05:16

OP -
Good advice from terraclutter

If you speak to a lawyer to start proceedings then your husband would legally be asked to leave the family he whilst the judge makes a decision on what is the best course of action
Arrange to speak to a family lawyer on Monday, sure the first hour is free
Seek help and advice from Women's Aid, they can help navigate you through this.
He sounds deeply unpleasant and this sounds a very unhappy home for you and your son

Directly after that comment you said:
I understand what you are saying, but it does matter right now where dc and I live. I am shouldn’t have to leave my home to him and his kids due to his behaviour. I have a lot on my plate in terms of work and childcare, I don’t think I can leave right now. Would need some planning

If what you want from this thread is advice on how to make your man change, or how to put up with him, then say that.

Or people will (rightly) say you should leave an emotionally abusive man who's caused you to go on sleeping pills and be worried about the environment affecting your son.

Speaking to a family lawyer and Women's Aid as a 1st step is doable. If you want to end the relationship, that is.

Maskedcrusader · 16/01/2021 05:19

I hear you and totally understand why you dont want to leave your home. It's not always as straightforward as 'just leave'. I'm sorry I have no practical advice but if I was in your situation I would seek out some legal advice & make a solid plan to start thinking about divorce proceedings. In the mean time take care yourself and your son.

Seafog · 16/01/2021 05:20

So right now, your son is around him 100% of the time, if you left, at the most, he'd be around him 50% of the time

Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 05:21

I am under no illusion that this man is going to change. I need some time to think of an exit strategy. I’m really grateful for all your advice. Just never thought things would turn out this way.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 16/01/2021 05:21

I understand that maybe the relationship is not tenable- but I am suprised at the number of responders that seem to think it's ok to remove the father ASAP who has sole custody of 2 kids, and the mother automatically should stay with joint custody of one child....

TooManyKidsSendHelp · 16/01/2021 05:22

Please speak to women's aid. It will do absolutely no harm and only requires you to pick up the phone. You don't have to do anything else after you have spoken to them, if you still don't want to.