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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband will not speak to me

111 replies

Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 03:40

Long back story here (which I won’t go into) but h and I had an argument a few nights ago and he has ignored me since, to the point of ignoring me in front of our ds aged 3 and 2 dsc.

He did this in the last lockdown and we didn’t speak for almost 2 months. It really ground me down to the point that I couldn’t work, sleep and ended up at the gp asking for sleeping pills. We managed to get back on track whilst seeing a counsellor.

I’m not sure how to cope with it again this time round. Although I get out of the flat to work sometime, I have nowhere else to go and am worried about my dc being affected by this. My family leave over 2 hours away anyway and obviously not allowed to travel right now.

There are a few issues in our marriage which have been precipitated by sc coming to live with us full time, no space and the behaviour of one of the sdc plus h’s refusal to get help for said sdc. Not to mention h’s attitude towards parenting in general.

How do I get through is in lockdown and avoid falling into such a bad state again?

OP posts:

Scaredykittycat · 16/01/2021 07:35

The only thing you need to do here is ask him to leave. This is not normal behaviour. It is emotional abuse.

billybagpuss · 16/01/2021 07:36

You need to leave, you seem very worried about leaving the house, but don’t be, if you own it it will be sorted out in the division of assets later. If you rent it’s easier you will be able to find somewhere.

Regarding your ds. When people go for 50/50 they don’t always get it or even want it. You say he acts the Disney dad to his 2 kids, they live with him full time, at the moment it’s easy to play Disney because you are doing the regular stuff, when you’ve gone that will be his job. No one will be there to help him, the dynamic between them will absolutely have to change.

Yes you will have to hand him over for access visits, but as long as he’s not abusive he will be fine, you may also get to enjoy some time to yourself. Your son will have the good stable parenting when he’s with you. If dh really does favour the dscs it will be obvious to your ds it sounds like you’ve been intervening to not destroy his view of his dad anyway. You may find when he’s having to actually parent without you it will be different. At the moment you won’t be able to see clearly as you’re stuck in the middle of it, it will be ok.

Start doing all the admin stuff to leave and call women’s aid and a solicitor on Monday. And leaving an abusive relationship is allowed under travel restrictions, so go to your family for a few days if you can.

Cocogreen · 16/01/2021 07:41

I am so sorry. Please get legal advice as soon as possible and make a start on separating from this dreadful man.No decent human behaves to their partner so cruelly. You deserve a happy and peaceful life. Good luck xx

MsConstrue · 16/01/2021 07:43

oh dear OP, it sounds awful. How did the 2 months end last time?

I get that you're worried that your H would have your son half the time and inflict his views/parenting on him. But he has him all the time now and is inflicting this view of relationships on him all the time. Your son is subject to the abuse too now. And for no other reason than that, you should leave the house.

Sort out the split through lawyers - if you're dealing with an abusive man, that's the only way. To detach yourself. Because he will just continue the abuse in any way he can.

fwiw, it's ok when you are divorced - I worried about my ex's influence on my children, but I needn't have done. I have more influence with my steady, boring, consistent, loving, parenting, than disney dad ex does.

Winter2020 · 16/01/2021 07:46

Can you go to your family two hours away? Do you have parents that would let you move in with your son? You are allowed to travel to leave someone abusive.

Do you have a strong support system where you live now? Is your job something that you would be very reluctant to leave. Basically I am asking is the fight to stay in the house worth it? As you are married you will be entitled to your share in a divorce.

If you have friends and support where your family live and someone who would be happy to take you in you would be able to get a new job in time and you might have support that you don't have now.

If your husband favours his step child perhaps he won't fight for 50 50 contact. That would be pretty hard to establish anyway if you live 2 hours away and he has other children to care for.

Even if you're not convinced you can leave can you book a week or two off work and go to stay with your family just to see how you feel. Talk to them and let them support you.

Time4change2018 · 16/01/2021 07:46

How old are SDC ?
I know I'm childish and stubborn at times but if H isn't talking to you, you don't look after & feed his other children. Refer them to him the whole time and concentrate your energy on your child and getting the advice you need to get. Silence has no consequences for him right now x

BumbleBiscuit · 16/01/2021 08:09

I don’t want my ds growing up in the disturbed environment

He already is growing up in a disturbed environment. A failure to leave this toxic environment is likely to do your DS much more harm in the long run.

Maca07166 · 16/01/2021 08:11

@LizFlowers

Pack his and his children's bags, put them outside the front door, make sure you have his keys and don't let them back in. It's then up to him to find somewhere to go but he will.

I realise that is extreme/dramatic and may not be possible but not talking to you is horrific bullying and you do not, should not, have to put up with it. It's mental cruelty, torture even, in the extreme.

As far as not being able to travel at the moment is concerned, I think it is possible in some circumstances. Speak to Women's Aid and get their advice. However I don't think you should have to give up your home, you are not the aggressor in this.

Can you speak to your counsellor? If you were having couples counselling for this very problem, they may be prepared to speak to the man and make him realise how unreasonable he is being. Nevertheless I think the best thing for you and your children would be to part. How can you ever trust him not to do that again.

Good luck. Women's Aid in the morning.

Throw him and HIS kids out? Wow just wow

Skyla2005 · 16/01/2021 08:19

You are allowed to travel to your parents in this situation. Take your son there until lockdown is over. In the meantime you can take legal advice and start divorce proceedings of course he has to let you back to your house it’s half yours he can’t stop you but for now just get away

FippertyGibbett · 16/01/2021 08:24

@Nothing77

I am under no illusion that this man is going to change. I need some time to think of an exit strategy. I’m really grateful for all your advice. Just never thought things would turn out this way.

This is what you need to do, plan your exit. There is no time limit on how long it will be. You are being abused so you would be within your right to take your child to your parents for a break if you need to.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/01/2021 08:27

That sounds unutterably horrible.

How old are the SDC, especially the one who doesn't like you?
Can you just get on with life while ignoring the fact that your arsehole H is ignoring you?
What about the SDC's mother - where is she in this?

grapefruitish · 16/01/2021 08:28

Telling op to go to her parents isn't helpful unless you know their exact situation. Often people who end up in abusive relationships are there because their own parents are not great and they chose more of the same or could not recognise a healthy relationship as it was never modelled for them. Jumping out of the frying pan into the fire will not help here. You are soon speaking to a lawyer and to women's aid, that is a good start. Do you have or can you plan to get enough money to move? Can you think of all the things that you would need? How it could happen work & childcare wise? While he's not talking to you start making a plan, just because you have a plan does not mean you have to action it tomorrow. Get ready OP and it will start to feel more real and more possible. Good luck.

TheHoneyBadger · 16/01/2021 08:31

Have you spelt things out to him?

Eg I cannot do this again. It is not an option to live like this so what do you suggest? Shall we put the house on the market now or would you prefer to move out and sort the property and finances later? Saying nothing and carrying on is no longer an option.

You don't have to tolerate it. If he won't talk get the divorce paperwork started. Book someone to come and value the house etc.

Original poster

Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 08:46

Thanks all!
Sdc at home are 17 girl snd 11 boy. It is the boy whom dislikes me and has behavioural issues (not helped by h not seeking professional help and Disney dad parenting). Their mother has left the country about 1.5 years ago and has not seen the 2 kids for about this length of time. Effectively she has just dumped them on us and no idea when she is back, if at all. I have begged dh to facilitate a visit between the kids and her but he refuses. Part of me thinks he has paid her off as the reason she left was due to her refusal to work snd h’s refusal to fund her any more.
Last time we started talking suddenly after wanting to amend my percentage share of the property downwards...I said that if he wanted to do this it was due to his money probs and I wanted a disclosure of his finances...at that point he said he didn’t want to divorce and promised to work through our issues with a counsellor.
All seemed ok again until this week when we had a row about his son’s behaviour and the stonewalling started again. This time I’m not reaching out to him at all and thinking about exit options.
Feeling a bit crappy after 3 hours sleep bit have decided to do stuff with son today - I don’t see h volunteering to help.

OP posts:

billybagpuss · 16/01/2021 08:50

He wants to amend your property share downwards???

You need to speak to a solicitor ASAP, is he in financial difficulty?

FippertyGibbett · 16/01/2021 08:51

You need to speak to a solicitor.
Are there any plans for the 17 year old to go and live at Uni ?

billybagpuss · 16/01/2021 08:56

And get a good one, I can recommend one of the best if you’re in the SW.

Nicknamegoeshere · 16/01/2021 08:59

Do you work, OP? Are you financially independent from your husband?

SkiingIsHeaven · 16/01/2021 09:02

Please tell me you are not cooking for him or washing his clothes.

Get a good solicitor and leave him. He will never change.

What a git.

81Byerley · 16/01/2021 09:03

To be honest, it sounds as if living in a tent with your son would be better than this. Make sure you read and take note of what @snowqu33n has said to you.

FippertyGibbett · 16/01/2021 09:04

Some things to consider -
Do you have a joint account, do either of you have your own accounts.
Do either of you have a private pension.

Original poster

Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 09:05

He did yes. I told him where to go after asking him if he was having financial difficulties, at which point i asked for full disclosure which he denied...that’s why I think there is something odd going on with his finances (we have separate)
Fortunately I have a legal background professionally so understand the implications of trying to change a deed of trust,he was trying to bully me into it but I called his bluff...

OP posts:

Original poster

Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 09:06

No absolutely don’t do any wife work for him or his kids. Never have for him at his request and I made it clear that I would not be doing that for his kids from the outset.

OP posts:

Arrivederla · 16/01/2021 09:07

There is some terrible advice on this thread! The poster who said that the first hour of advice from a solicitor is usually free - this is rubbish! Sometimes you can get a free half hour but the most important thing is to find someone good; if you are in the Gloucestershire/Herefordshire area I can recommend someone, op.

Stay calm, get good legal advice, call women's aid. Ignore those idiotic posters telling you to throw all their belongings out and change the locks - that will not end well for you!

Good luck.

Original poster

Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 09:07

The 17 year old has applied and been offered places outside our local area. When I last spoke with counsellor a few months ago the plan was to hold on until then and see if the dynamics changed at all (as lack of space is also an issue).

OP posts:

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