Husband will not speak to me

[Nothing77]

Long back story here (which I won’t go into) but h and I had an argument a few nights ago and he has ignored me since, to the point of ignoring me in front of our ds aged 3 and 2 dsc.

He did this in the last lockdown and we didn’t speak for almost 2 months. It really ground me down to the point that I couldn’t work, sleep and ended up at the gp asking for sleeping pills. We managed to get back on track whilst seeing a counsellor.

I’m not sure how to cope with it again this time round. Although I get out of the flat to work sometime, I have nowhere else to go and am worried about my dc being affected by this. My family leave over 2 hours away anyway and obviously not allowed to travel right now.

There are a few issues in our marriage which have been precipitated by sc coming to live with us full time, no space and the behaviour of one of the sdc plus h’s refusal to get help for said sdc. Not to mention h’s attitude towards parenting in general.

How do I get through is in lockdown and avoid falling into such a bad state again?

The point about my son is that I would not be there. I can see a situation where ss ignores and is mean to ds if I am not there, whilst h just ignores it as his sympathies are with ss (as ss mother has effectively abandoned him).

Yes thank you, will definitely speak to women’s aid and a counsellor early next week to start thinking about an exit plan.

My advice would be to prepare before you go.
My ex-husband changed the locks on our marital home hours after me leaving for safety with my kids. He was awarded them 50/50 at 3 and 6 years old as a revenge tactic.
But I think my situation is rare?
I have a very different life now with a fiance and a new baby. I won't lie and say it's an easier life - it's not thanks to his ongoing control still - but it's a better one than my two children would have had if I'd stayed.

I'm not surprised.

You married a man with children and then openly admit you hate them and don't want his children there.

Best to separate for all parties involved.

I dint hate both - I dislike one of them, snd that’s mostly due to the fact that he dislikes me and his dads bad parenting. Plus the fact that h did not even consult with me about them living full time with us snd getting a bigger place to accommodate us all.

I don’t want my son being subject to the same bad parenting id I’m not around, in fact it will be worse as he will still be busy playing Disney dad to the ss

My husband does this. It’s control and it’s ruined my mental health. Get counselling. I have no advice about the house because I’m stuck too but I strongly advise you to end the relationship if you don’t then you’ll still be going through this in 10 years time (like me).

@Nothing77 He's being subjected to bad parenting from your husband 100% of the time currently though?
Even it went 50/50 your kids will be with you half of the time and you can make a new life for yourself.

*kid

*Pack his and his children's bags, put them outside the front door, make sure you have his keys and don't let them back in. It's then up to him to find somewhere to go but he will.

I realise that is extreme/dramatic and may not be possible but not talking to you is horrific bullying and you do not, should not, have to put up with it. It's mental cruelty, torture even, in the extreme.*

Nonyoubcant do thatvif the house is half his. People always say things like that. You also can't put 2 other childrennout onto the street.

This relationship is just fucked up. You have at least 2 threads running at the moment.
Ignoring you for 2 months is control so I would advise you to leave with your son. He will get access to his child at some point anyway.

How did the 2 months not talking end? How did he end up talking to you?

I hear you, OP.

The main thing keeping me awake at night is imagining my child on custody weekends and holidays with Dad. Without me there to do my little dance around to hide, minimise & make up for Dad’s behaviour. I can’t see my way through that thought yet, but I’m further along than you.

I’ve really read up on this stage of the separation journey that you and I seem to be on. I’ve talked to loads of women who’ve weathered it and come through the other side. I’ve come to some realisations (though I’m not all the way yet, by any means). I’m hoping they’ll sink into my brain and heart over time, and that seems to be true.

-the current situation (staying, playing his game) is more detrimental on the kid(s) than I realise or want to admit;
-the kid(s) actually need one happy, mature, stable parent going forward. Only one. That will have to be me, it certainly won’t be DH. And at the moment there are no adults that fit the description;
-I am more ground down than I realise by the effect of DH on me personally (I am the ‘boiled frog’ in the popular analogy) so I just can’t see the bright life beyond, the life with unexpected joys and wins. I must be focussing on the negatives/ catastrophising because that’s what boiled frogs do. Just cos I can’t see forward, doesn’t mean it isn’t there waiting for me. People I trust insist on this bit.
-I need to trust far more in the randomness of the future. Maybe DH dies in 3 weeks from an undetected condition, or a bus. Maybe he runs away with someone, leaving all the kid raising solely to me. Maybe I meet and fall in love with a crack lawyer who banishes DH to the nether realms for me (legally, I mean!). Maybe my kid is believed by a court/the law changes/I get lucky, and custody ends up not so shared. Maybe 1000 other things. I can act now, on current info, but I can’t really predict the ‘nightmare visions’ that come to me in the night.
-you can’t be prepared enough/do enough digging/have enough of a support team. Get in touch with all the experts, line up all your ducks. I picture it as a row of ‘movie dynamite detonator plunger thingos’. While I’m feeling stuck and paralysed in the relationship, I can still line up more of those damn thingos every week, quietly. Which ones I push, when, and in which order is up to me. It’s quite empowering! Knowledge really is power.

Don’t know if any of that helps. But really opening yourself to even the extreme responses on MN is usually a good exercise, in my view. What seems impossible to read and contemplate today, can be a really useful roadmap tomorrow. I’ve found that to be true, for sure.

Good luck to you. Oh, and start humming around the house. Anything, all the time. Get a singalong going with the kids. Start wearing headphones, and interacting verbally with great music and podcasts when you are able. These ‘silent treatment’ assholes hate it!

Do you have anyone that you can talk to? This is abusive and the sooner you are out of this situation the better.

When they want 50/50 it generally doesn't last very long.
But, you have to make a change somehow.

@thesunwillout Depends how controlling he is tbh. My 50/50 has been seven years and he's applying yet again to the courts for even more.

But do I regret leaving? No.
It's bloody hard but it was the right thing to do.

I am two years on from you, op, and mostly through the other side.

What nitpick and other have said is all true. The longer you stay, the more it will break you and your son (‘boiled frog’).

I was on the floor mentally when I finally went, and it’s taken over a year to start to pull the pieces back together. Your son is being affected more than you realise.

You may not be able to go immediately, but you must make a plan. Call Women’s Aid - it can take a while to get a support worker (6 months for me). See a lawyer with experience of DA.Get counselling with someone with Coercive control, experience. Get knowledge of finances, and think about who you could tell (relative? Friend?). It will be a rough road and you will need ongoing support.

Try not to worry too much about DS exposure to his dad. That was my greatest fear, but actually what happens is what has happened with your SC - he will turn into Disney Dad. Either that or he can’t be bothered. Either way, you will be the stable, constant, healthy parent in your DS’ life. That gives him 50% protection, which is massively better than none. My kids are so much healthier and happier now, even though their relationship with their dad is complex.

Good luck , and do make a plan. You will get there, but need to start moving before you’re so ground down that you get stuck.

You are allowed to travel to escape domestic abuse. Take your son and go to your family. If you don't so it for yourself, do it for your child, he should not grow up thinking this kind behaviour is normal.

kind of behaviour

Hi Op
This is emotional abuse in a extreme way.!

This is Domestic Abuse.!

The Uk Gov
Has Said any Woman experiencing Domestic Abuse is entitled to Seek Get Help to Get Help out of Domestic Abuse Suitation.!

Op
Seek Support from your Family As soon as Possible.!

Tell your family what is really going on in your marriage /and how bad it is etc...

Also Seek Help from Woman's Aid
Their Tel no is on the internet
(I have seen woman's Aid tel no on adverts inside the door of women's Toilets too

Also seek help/Support from other Charities that support/help women too
Check the internet to find out help tel lines etc.

Good Luck x

What's the situation with your home - is it bought or rented? Do you own it jointly? Anyone got a protected deposit or anything?

You need to speak to Women's Aid or the likes. Staying to protect your son from seeing his father's neglect on contact isn't the best idea because your son is seeing it now 100% of the time. If you stay he'll also see you accepting it (because you'll have to as you can't make someone talk to you).

@terraclutter

If you speak to a lawyer to start proceedings then your husband would legally be asked to leave the family he whilst the judge makes a decision on what is the best course of action. Are age to speak to a family lawyer on Monday, sure the first hour is free. Seek help and advice from Women's Aid, they can help navigate you through this. He sounds deeply unpleasant and this sounds a very unhappy home for you and your son.

That the husband would be asked to leave is in no way automatic in a situation where there are three children in the family home and two of them are not the OP's.

Please, OP, seek help. This is no life for you or your child.

You need to ignore him as well. Don't speak to him at all. He wants you needy and pleading. Just blank him.

Fucking he'll sorry OP I thought the last lockdown was oh so hard for ME because my DH decided to completely opt out of any homeschooling (despite the fact he had enough free time to fit it in) my alcoholism returned, it was a tough time.

But for your significant other to completely ignore you in your own home in front of your DC for TWO MONTHS.
Christ. My troubles pale in comparison to that.

Do not minimise how awful he is. Don't minimise how damaging and abusive that it for you and your DC.

Speak to a lawyer, do whatever you can to get this awful man out of your house.

I think under the new domestic abuse bill, his behaviour might even be illegal. There might be someone in the police you can talk to?

www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-47764648
The Domestic Abuse Act makes absolutely clear that coercive and controlling behaviour is domestic abuse and a crime