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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband will not speak to me

111 replies

Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 03:40

Long back story here (which I won’t go into) but h and I had an argument a few nights ago and he has ignored me since, to the point of ignoring me in front of our ds aged 3 and 2 dsc.

He did this in the last lockdown and we didn’t speak for almost 2 months. It really ground me down to the point that I couldn’t work, sleep and ended up at the gp asking for sleeping pills. We managed to get back on track whilst seeing a counsellor.

I’m not sure how to cope with it again this time round. Although I get out of the flat to work sometime, I have nowhere else to go and am worried about my dc being affected by this. My family leave over 2 hours away anyway and obviously not allowed to travel right now.

There are a few issues in our marriage which have been precipitated by sc coming to live with us full time, no space and the behaviour of one of the sdc plus h’s refusal to get help for said sdc. Not to mention h’s attitude towards parenting in general.

How do I get through is in lockdown and avoid falling into such a bad state again?

OP posts:
WB205020 · 16/01/2021 09:07

Well said @SD1978
You need to leave OP but he has 2 kids living there. The people above saying pack his and his kids bags and throw them out are horrible people. You don’t put 2 kids out on the street.

You and you dc need to leave. It’s that simple. Many have told you that. The balls in your court now.

SkiingIsHeaven · 16/01/2021 09:08

No absolutely don’t do any wife work for him or his kids. Never have for him at his request and I made it clear that I would not be doing that for his kids from the outset.

Good for you. I am so pleased.

Nicknamegoeshere · 16/01/2021 09:08

@Nothing77 But are you in employment yourself?

Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 09:09

Yes, I can’t really justify locking the 2 other kids out! Just going to have to be very logical about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 09:10

Yes, I have a full time job. As does he, but earns at least x3 more than me. Other than paying a greater share of mortgage snd bills/childcare, our finances are separate.

OP posts:
Crappysex · 16/01/2021 09:10

Dont do anything for him or his kids. Let him deal with them. Hes not treating you like shit and having you look after his kids aswell. Fuck that

BlueThistles · 16/01/2021 09:12

He sounds charming 🙄

Nicknamegoeshere · 16/01/2021 09:12

@Nothing77 Enough to get by on your own for at least the short-term if you have to? That will be really helpful and make things easier I promise. I speak from experience!

Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 09:12

I still speak to the 17 year old as I get on with her and it’s not her fault her dad is so awful. The 11 year old, it’s just hi snd bye...he’s literally attached to his dads hip anyway (sits on his lap during dinner, which I have raised but was laughted at by h).

OP posts:
MsConstrue · 16/01/2021 09:14

i really think you and your child need to leave. Have you had specific advice from a solicitor about this? It sounds as though you're ok because you have a deed of trust specifying the shares.

It's not going to help the situation, but of course the other children are playing out - their mother has abandoned them and their father is an arse. No doubt they saw some horrible stuff while their parents were together And they must feel terribly insecure. I do feel sorry for them.

I think you need to get your child out of there as quickly as possible.

MsConstrue · 16/01/2021 09:15

The 11 yo must be feeling desperately insecure. It's very sad.

But i think you need to leave them all to it. Protect yourself and your child.

Babymamamama · 16/01/2021 09:15

My partner did all this passive aggressive sulking. It was tiresome and depressing and I recently decided not to entertain it any more so he had to become ExP. A weight immediately lifted off me and I can honestly say it’s the best decision I ever made. You don’t realise how awful it is living with a man child until they’re gone.

Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 09:17

I do feel sorry for his kids with their nutjob mother and selfish father even though I don’t particularly like them. But They are not my problem.

OP posts:
81Byerley · 16/01/2021 09:24

@Nothing77

No absolutely don’t do any wife work for him or his kids. Never have for him at his request and I made it clear that I would not be doing that for his kids from the outset.
Do either of you actually realise what a marriage is? And I'm not saying that your stepchildren are not little shits, but really? Their mum has dumped them, their step mum has made it obvious she doesn't like them being there, they witness abusive behaviour every day. There are always two sides to every story. In your case there are five sides. It would be interesting to hear every side.
Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 09:26

Agreed that it is a s@@t show. But mostly caused by the actions of h and his ex wife.

OP posts:
SecretDoor · 16/01/2021 09:27

Does your DH speak to all the children when he is stonewalling you? Are they used as messengers? What is the effect on them by him ignoring you?

SecretDoor · 16/01/2021 09:29

Does he do the silent treatment to any of the children?

Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 09:29

Yes he speaks to them but makes it obvious he is ignoring me eg yesterday I walked in a ne said hello to him and as, he completely ignored me. Heaven knows what they think, it’s fairly horrendous for them to go through their dads second divorce...I know h’s ex absolutely hates him (and me though I was not a Ow) so I don’t know what they saw between their parents. All I know is that she walked out with her kids.

OP posts:
crystalize · 16/01/2021 09:42

I think you need to start detaching while quietly making your plans to separate. He will enjoy the hurt his silent treatment causes you. Instead of sadness/anxiety you need to feel outraged he treats you like this.

No more attempts to be pleasant to him. Blank him. Get on with things with your DS. Completely shut down any emotional feelings towards him. Read up on coercive control/emotional abuse. Try to find that inner strength and determination to know that you deserve better than this.

SecretDoor · 16/01/2021 09:58

You need to report his abuse of you and the effect on the children to the GP. Consider speaking to your DS school - ask them to to see if it is affecting him at all.
This might help as evidence if there is a custody battle in the future.

2outof3hapoy · 16/01/2021 10:00

I left an emotionally abusive relationship by planning slowly, get advice get your head around it you can do it get legal advice and help from women's aid and work it out and get out of this your kids will learn healthy relationships and love from you.

Original poster
Nothing77 · 16/01/2021 10:00

I had to see my gp last time this happened as I basically couldn’t function, will speak to them again. Ds in nursery rather than school

OP posts:
2outof3hapoy · 16/01/2021 10:05

Start keeping a diary whether you decide to leave or not.

Itstimetoquit · 16/01/2021 10:10

You need to leave this man child,make plans and contact women's aid x

donkeyworker · 16/01/2021 10:17

I walked out and took my 2 children in the summer. My relationship was so similar to yours. We spent 4 months living with my parents while he stayed in the family home (is in fact still there now) he sees no issue with this. The sale is due to complete on the house in the next few weeks. I left my parents a month ago and I'm currently living in a rented house until I have my equity to buy a new one. It has been exceptionally hard, financially and emotionally. However I am the proudest I have ever been of myself for removing us from such a toxic environment. I spent so long feeling like I shouldn't be the one to go, but he would never have moved out. Everyone can now see him for the person he is. However you decide to go about this there is light at the end of your tunnel Daffodil