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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair partner - blowing hot & cold *please go easy on me*

133 replies

Namechangererer · 14/01/2021 22:38

I fully imagine I will get flamed for this, hence the name change, but here goes.

I had an affair last year (I was married and affair partner was married) . We worked together, quiet closely and we fell in love. I was in a loveless marriage, ex h was an alcoholic, constantly putting me down and very controlling (I know this isn’t an excuse). So I started an affair with my colleague, fell madly in love and left my ex, AP left his wife. I thought I’d gotten my ever after but after a few months he started blowing hot and cold, seemed to be seeing his ex a lot more (they have young dc) and he eventually called it off with me after blowing hot and cold. He promised he wasn’t back with his ex but I just don’t understand what happened. It’s like he changed into a different person !

Don’t really know what I’m asking, just looking to hear from others in similar situations and whether there was a happy outcome?

OP posts:
CatVsChristmasTree · 14/01/2021 22:39

You're not the shiny new thing any more.

Pebbledashery · 14/01/2021 22:39

Hmm. No helpful advice other than.. Get your hard hat on.

PurpleDaisies · 14/01/2021 22:40

The fun of an illicit affair wore off when it became real life.

I hope it was worth it. Hmm

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2021 22:40

He probably is back with his ex. You know he’s happy lying because he did it to her when he was with her.

FuckOffBorisYouTwat · 14/01/2021 22:41

He wasn't interested in you but the excitement. But don't dwell on that. You have managed to leave an awful man. Spend time on your own and learn to be happy alone. You will meet someone right when you are happy with your self.

Theunamedcat · 14/01/2021 22:41

Treat him like a lesson and move on he is done with you and you should be done with him

formerbabe · 14/01/2021 22:42

I'm not going to give you a hard time but you were his bit on the side. He wanted to shag around, not start a new full blown proper relationship.

bourbonne · 14/01/2021 22:44

I don't know what's going on with him, but I wish you the best and I don't sit in judgment at all. Difficult situation.

wibblewombat · 14/01/2021 22:45

He might have a new girlfriend and/or be hooking up with the ex. Does it matter, nope, move on as you're clearly not his current object of desire.

borntohula · 14/01/2021 22:45

Actually, I think it is an 'excuse' of sorts because being in an abusive relationship fucks with your head so badly that you won't be able to think straight, plus it makes you vulnerable. Just saying because you will probably be told some horrible and not necessarily true things about yourself here.

Original poster
Namechangererer · 14/01/2021 22:46

I guess I just don’t understand how he could fall out of love with wife, fall in love with me then go back to wife!!
I know it was wrong and I never wanted to start a relationship that way, I was just so down in my own marriage I guess and I thought he was too yet he can’t seem to keep away from her

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/01/2021 22:46

He might stay with his ex. He might come back to you. He might move on to somebody new. I've seen all 3 scenarios. Time to move on. Hankering after him is pointless.

Original poster
Namechangererer · 14/01/2021 22:47

@borntohula thank you, I guess in a way I felt like AP was saving me. I feel horrendous guilt for his wife, I truly do, but I numbed myself from that at the time

OP posts:
Cherryade8 · 14/01/2021 22:48

I think he probably liked you, there was lust, but when the reality of you both leaving set in he got cold feet.

It's good that you left your ex husband, but affair partner is unlikely to be 'the one'. I would stop contacting him and if he is genuinely single and wanting a relationship then he will find you, but it sounds unlikely, sorry.

elwoodblues · 14/01/2021 22:49

@formerbabe

I'm not going to give you a hard time but you were his bit on the side. He wanted to shag around, not start a new full blown proper relationship.
He left his wife for a bit on the side? Doesn't really stack up if true. Sounds more like a geener grass situation, but now he's realised he was mistaken and is pining for his ex. He's hoping she'll take him back, but stringing you along in the meantime.

Hey ho - easy come, easy go.

PurpleDaisies · 14/01/2021 22:50

@Namechangererer

I guess I just don’t understand how he could fall out of love with wife, fall in love with me then go back to wife!! I know it was wrong and I never wanted to start a relationship that way, I was just so down in my own marriage I guess and I thought he was too yet he can’t seem to keep away from her
He never really loved you. It was excitement. Distraction. Not love.
RainingBatsAndFrogs · 14/01/2021 22:51

I suspect you were a stepping stone, OP.

He may or may not be back with his wife and family, but either way, you were a part of the process rather than a final decision. He probably didn't mean it at the time, but it's hard to make a permanent life and love choice when it is in an affair situation.

The good thing is that even though you are upset now, he was a stepping stone for you - it got you out of an abusive marriage. It is a shame you couldn't do this without the complication of an affair with a man who was simply unfaithful to his wife, but to get over the hurt, could you look on it as a step to freedom for you?

Bagelsandbrie · 14/01/2021 22:52

People who have affairs like having affairs. It’s that simple really. Real life is boring to them. It’s the deception and sneaking about that they enjoy.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 14/01/2021 22:52

Lick you wounds, give yourself time to reflect, give yourself time to recover from your marriage, spend some time single and learn to love yourself on your own terms and not through the lens of a man.

heyday · 14/01/2021 22:55

The grass looked greener on the other side of the fence - when he got there, it wasn't. Sounds like he might be trying again will his wife. You need to try and lick your wounds and move on.

Dery · 14/01/2021 23:03

“I guess I just don’t understand how he could fall out of love with wife, fall in love with me then go back to wife!!”

You’ve forgotten about the children. He left them for you as well. He probably realised that his children were more important to him than you are. As they should be. And you know that he’s capable of lying and cheating on his wife and the mother of his young children so he probably lied to you as well. Surely it was obvious to you that you couldn’t trust him or believe what he told you.

And his real gripe about his marriage was probably that he wasn’t getting enough attention from his wife because, you know, she was busy with their young children. Whereas your husband was abusive and you don’t mention any shared children.

Your respective positions were completely different. For you the grass is greener because you got out of a bad marriage. For him it isn’t.

keyworkerhonestguv · 14/01/2021 23:07

See it for what it is, an Exit affair. You can remember him fondly and that he got your self esteem up enough to leave. But have some pride and let him go. Even if he is confused or needed space or whatever if he was kind and had potential to be a life partner he would explain that kindly after all you have been through together.

Its time to work on yourself, understand how you ended up where you were and heal and move on. It may take a year or two.

Be kind to yourself. Good people can make mistakes and have regrets. Its called being human. It will give you depths of understanding and empathy and lack of judgement or moral highhorsing that will make you the most incredible friend and support to others having hard times in life in the future.

Vivenne · 14/01/2021 23:10

I feel really sorry for you OP.

When was the last time you had spoken to him?

DameFanny · 14/01/2021 23:17

@FuckOffBorisYouTwat

He wasn't interested in you but the excitement. But don't dwell on that. You have managed to leave an awful man. Spend time on your own and learn to be happy alone. You will meet someone right when you are happy with your self.
This. He got you out of a bad situation, time to look after yourself. Work on your sense of self. Learn to enjoy your own company.
Bunchup · 14/01/2021 23:20

He's got young children! Do you honestly not give a fuck about them?