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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair partner - blowing hot & cold *please go easy on me*

133 replies

Namechangererer · 14/01/2021 22:38

I fully imagine I will get flamed for this, hence the name change, but here goes.

I had an affair last year (I was married and affair partner was married) . We worked together, quiet closely and we fell in love. I was in a loveless marriage, ex h was an alcoholic, constantly putting me down and very controlling (I know this isn’t an excuse). So I started an affair with my colleague, fell madly in love and left my ex, AP left his wife. I thought I’d gotten my ever after but after a few months he started blowing hot and cold, seemed to be seeing his ex a lot more (they have young dc) and he eventually called it off with me after blowing hot and cold. He promised he wasn’t back with his ex but I just don’t understand what happened. It’s like he changed into a different person !

Don’t really know what I’m asking, just looking to hear from others in similar situations and whether there was a happy outcome?

OP posts:
Lalliella · 15/01/2021 00:16

@Bunchup

He's got young children! Do you honestly not give a fuck about them?
It’s not OP’s responsibility to give a fuck about them. It’s their father’s. Ffs get off your judge horse.
Backtoblack1 · 15/01/2021 00:18

You won’t appreciate this now but you have dodged a bullet. I know it hurts. I’ve been there. Please go no contact - delete his number and work on you. You do not want to be in a situation where he is playing you both.

I don’t understand how he can love two women. He loves himself and wants an easy life. I’m sorry x

Lalliella · 15/01/2021 00:19

OP absolutely no judgment from me. You were in a miserable situation, you got out of it, you hoped you had a new future with someone in a similar situation. However maybe he wasn’t, maybe he felt guilty about his kids or maybe he just used you as a thrill. It’s best to cut your losses, try and forget about him and strike out on your own. You can do it! Just don’t go back to him, it will always be too messy, and he probably wouldn't ever put you first.

Sally872 · 15/01/2021 00:21

Perhaps he was in your life to help you find the motivation to leave exH. Your happy ever after will come, likely the first and most important step is working on yourself, your hobbies and interests etc. Even if you don't find love you are better off without exH or AP. Flowers

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 15/01/2021 00:24

I’d forget about him, OP. The good thing is, he helped you leave a bad marriage. You’ve got your life back. Enjoy it!

BumbleBiscuit · 15/01/2021 00:27

I guess I just don’t understand how he could fall out of love with wife, fall in love with me then go back to wife!!

He was never in love with you. You aren’t the first and unfortunately won’t be the last to fall for this routine. So cliche!

MouseholeCat · 15/01/2021 00:27

No judgement, but you need to move on from this guy and find yourself someone decent because he's not into you and his patterns of behaviour suggest he'll cheat on every woman he is with. You've gotten out of one shitty relationship, invest time in healing yourself from all of this.

SirChing · 15/01/2021 00:28

The really good thing is that what you had with him enabled you to escape your marriage.

It might not seem like it now, but when you look back on the affair a few years from now, you will most likely realise that your AP wasn't right for you either.

It's easy to fall in love with someone who is very different to an abusive DH. But that doesn't mean that they are actually right for you, just that they are different and have awoken feelings in you that you haven't been able to access in your marriage.

It sounds like you and your AP were together for a "reason AND a season", to mutilate a cliche. You may never know what his reasons for the affair were, but you can identify what yours were and use it to make you stronger. Then you are more likely to find someone who IS right for you.

Enjoy some time on your own first. I know it's terrifying, but it does get easier and one day, sooner than you think, you will feel strong again Flowers

Insert1x20p · 15/01/2021 00:30

Also, depending on how young the kids are, it's rarely a rosy time in anyone's marriage. I'm out the other side now (about to hit teen years, heaven help me) but most of my friends agree with me that the baby to "start school" years were not the best years of their marriages/ relationships but they're glad they stuck it out as it got way better as kids got more independent and it wasn't all just such a 24/7 conveyor belt of other people's needs and bodily fluids Grin . Maybe he and his wife also reached that conclusion, maybe they're establishing a coparenting arrangement or just thinking about reconciling and need you out of the way for that to happen. Either way, I think in your situation you're better off with some time by yourself rather than springboarding straight into what would be a complicated relationship.

Verylongweek · 15/01/2021 00:34

Did he tell his wife that you were the reason he was leaving, did she know about it all?

Hangingover · 15/01/2021 00:38

Poor you OP, sounds like you've been through the wringer. Maybe be a man-free zone for a bit and work on healing your heart .

ClearingSpaceOnTheTrophyShelf · 15/01/2021 00:39

@keyworkerhonestguv

See it for what it is, an Exit affair. You can remember him fondly and that he got your self esteem up enough to leave. But have some pride and let him go. Even if he is confused or needed space or whatever if he was kind and had potential to be a life partner he would explain that kindly after all you have been through together.

Its time to work on yourself, understand how you ended up where you were and heal and move on. It may take a year or two.

Be kind to yourself. Good people can make mistakes and have regrets. Its called being human. It will give you depths of understanding and empathy and lack of judgement or moral highhorsing that will make you the most incredible friend and support to others having hard times in life in the future.

I think this is probably the loveliest post I've ever read on this website 💜
Monty27 · 15/01/2021 00:41

OP I guess he realised the grass wasn't greener after all

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/01/2021 00:44

@Monty27

OP I guess he realised the grass wasn't greener after all
And....this is one of the nastiest
Blox123 · 15/01/2021 00:47

Why can't people just walk away from relationships that they're in, if it's so bad that cheating becomes the only option.

He realised that the grass wasn't greener and has gone back to his ex

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2021 00:52

@keyworkerhonestguv

See it for what it is, an Exit affair. You can remember him fondly and that he got your self esteem up enough to leave. But have some pride and let him go. Even if he is confused or needed space or whatever if he was kind and had potential to be a life partner he would explain that kindly after all you have been through together.

Its time to work on yourself, understand how you ended up where you were and heal and move on. It may take a year or two.

Be kind to yourself. Good people can make mistakes and have regrets. Its called being human. It will give you depths of understanding and empathy and lack of judgement or moral highhorsing that will make you the most incredible friend and support to others having hard times in life in the future.

Good advice.

You are now free of your controlling alcoholic ex-husband. Concentrate on that very very positive silver lining.

Baileysoncereal · 15/01/2021 00:56

It sounds like he was never in love with you
He liked you, he liked the excitement
He loves his wife
It’s a shitty kind of love that’s not worth having, but that’s where his life is and what he’s built himself around.

It’s shitty for you, he was selfish
But it sounds like the positive here is that you got away from a terrible marriage and hopefully in time you can go into a more healthy relationship with someone is neither abusive or cheating

SnowflakeCulture · 15/01/2021 00:57

You were desperate, he could smell it, so used you.
His wife is also pathetic so he knew he could get away with it.
Next time get divorced first and find a single man.

ekidmxcl · 15/01/2021 00:58

You had an affair because your marriage was bad.

AP most likely had an affair for some of the following reasons: excitement, ego boost, frustration with family duties aka real life, selfishness and inability to see what he had. Probably his wife is nice and he took everything for granted, forgetting how lucky he was to have her and the kids. When he left, he realised what he lost and went to get it back. Unfortunately he’s probably destroyed his wife in the process.

Move on, never get with a married man again.

He’s a cheat, not a catch.

ekidmxcl · 15/01/2021 01:00

He didn’t fall out of love with her. He forgot he loved her. That’s why he’s gone back.

He is selfish. Don’t try to understand him. Get on with your own life.

GreenClock · 15/01/2021 01:08

He’s possibly making do with his wife because he was missing his kids. Plenty of men and women return to their spouses for that reason and they grin and bear the marriage because they want to be with the children.

Anyway OP move on. Be happy as a single woman, work on your self-esteem. You’ll get there! You’ll be ok.

1forAll74 · 15/01/2021 01:23

It wasn't proper love on his side of your affair, He may have said that he loved you of course, but just words said in the throws of whatever you had. You just have to move on now, and stop pondering about why there is no happy ending. Endlessly thinking,and being upset about this,will do you no good at all.

soberlioness · 15/01/2021 01:56

Sounds like he's used you as a stepping stone and now you need to forget about him as you move on. Affairs have a tendency not to end well after the initial spark wears off, maybe next time avoid doing it again.

Ilady · 15/01/2021 02:29

He helped you get out of a bad marriage. My feeling is that he was getting board of every day life at home. I know men who expect to be in center of attention at all times. They might want children but the picture they have in their mind and the reality of babies and small kids is very different.
He left her and moved in with you. He went back to his wife perhaps because of his kids. He may have thought that moving with you was were the grass was greener but then decided to move back home.
It was hard going through a bad marriage and then leaving it due to him.
I know it not easy to be back on your own after what's happened and thinking of what could have been with him.
One of my friends was in a similar situation to you a few years ago. He did not move in with her and she often thought what might have been. Within a short period time after things ended with him she found out a few things about him that made her realise that she was better off on her own.
My advice is that you get some counselling and spend sometime on your own to get over all you have been through.

LondonCrone · 15/01/2021 07:20

When I read these threads I often think back to my own observations when my husband cheated on me, and here’s what I noticed: when two people get married, it’s often because they really believe at some level that the other person is their soul mate. That’s a hugely powerful bond.

However much he may have been attracted to you or loved you, you have to realise that you were up against a much more powerful bond; the love and connection he had with the mother of his children. She was easy to discard at first because he was used to her being around; at some level he was sick of her, and subconsciously he probably thought she would always be around. When she left his life, he may have realised that theirs was the more lasting love.

My own husband couldn’t bring himself to leave me, however much he said he wanted to be with the OW. Ultimately he jumped before he was pushed. As far as I know, now that it’s all over, he doesn’t speak to her, but he still wants to be in my life. He realises that our friendship and connection was real. Too little, too late.

I’m not going to say that you’re an evil person or that you deserve this OP, just that you were always going to lose this one. Perhaps he tried to convince you (and himself) that he didn’t love her anymore, but it was wishful thinking.

The emotionally healthy amongst can recognise a lost cause and walk away before it destroys us. I hope you get there, too.

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