Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair partner - blowing hot & cold *please go easy on me*

133 replies

Namechangererer · 14/01/2021 22:38

I fully imagine I will get flamed for this, hence the name change, but here goes.

I had an affair last year (I was married and affair partner was married) . We worked together, quiet closely and we fell in love. I was in a loveless marriage, ex h was an alcoholic, constantly putting me down and very controlling (I know this isn’t an excuse). So I started an affair with my colleague, fell madly in love and left my ex, AP left his wife. I thought I’d gotten my ever after but after a few months he started blowing hot and cold, seemed to be seeing his ex a lot more (they have young dc) and he eventually called it off with me after blowing hot and cold. He promised he wasn’t back with his ex but I just don’t understand what happened. It’s like he changed into a different person !

Don’t really know what I’m asking, just looking to hear from others in similar situations and whether there was a happy outcome?

OP posts:
SomeonesRealName · 15/01/2021 11:01

OP ditch these awful men and sign up for the Freedom Programme twitter.com/dontlookback198/status/1350034890817990656?s=21

tenbob · 15/01/2021 11:01

Good lord, OP, you feel for every cliche going

Was their honestly not a point at which you thought 'hang on, this sounds very like every plot from a terrible book. I wonder if it is really true..?'

Of course he didn't fall out of love with his wife, and of course he didn't fall in love with you. You are beyond naive to think you were anything other than an exciting distraction in his boring working day.

And how much effort were you putting in once you thought you had 'won' him? Presumably you flopped straight into comfortable relationship mode?

Agree with the others. This was a convenient way for you to get out of your terrible marriage, but really with a track record of making awful relationship choices, now is the time to take stock on why you pick such terrible men and how you can change that in the future.

Spend your time questioning that, and not questioning why he doesn't want you

HoneyBeeHappy · 15/01/2021 11:05

OP, the affair was a catalyst for you. You were in an abusive marriage and meeting someone else gave you a look at what life could be like. What you need to ask yourself is, do you regret leaving your marriage? Your husband would still be abusive if you’d stayed, the marriage would still be an unhappy one, whether this man loves you or not, you’re away from that situation.

I have been there. I had an affair several years ago and I was in an abusive marriage. I won’t go into detail here as this is your thread but have written about it elsewhere.

But while the affair ended before we actually split up, once my husband found out, I realised that i now had a reason to leave him as he was prepared to leave me over it, and that I could then build my life without him. I didn’t need the affair partner to do that, I was now free.

It certainly isn’t how I would have chosen to have done things and I will regret the affair forever. But something had to give, and this ended up being it.

I never spoke to AP again, but from what I know about him from mutual friends, I am 100% certain that any relationship between us would never have lasted. And my only regret is that I look back at him and shudder to think that I ever went there. But the fact a relationship would have had no future doesn’t matter to me, because I am now my own person and had the strength to move forward on my own.

Forget about him. End the relationship in fact and tell him that you want to strike out on your own.

It doesn’t matter what’s going on with him. posters here will speculate that he doesn’t love you/has gone back to his ex/that he’ll do it to you etc, but in truth nobody knows him or anything about him. Very few relationships which start out as affairs last, for numerous reasons. Don’t overthink it.

SoupDragon · 15/01/2021 11:07

whether there was a happy outcome?

You've had your happy outcome - you are out of your marriage.

praepondero · 15/01/2021 11:09

Heard of a similar situation from a reliable source; good friend's DH had an affair; apparently he had christened his affair partner the Hamster (chubby cheeks and nibbler) and had been laughing at her and her enthusiastic bobbling in bed with all his mates. Horrid little man. Crawled back to his wife shortly after the affair fizzled out.
Had complained that the poor woman had a bit of a 'wizard's sleeve' and saggy tits, but he forgave such deficiencies.
I wonder if women, who fall in love with their married APs, ever imagine that they really are just a temporary distraction, hot and wonderful and exciting until they get boring?
Some men are such utter swine.

Catty1720 · 15/01/2021 11:26

He realises the grass wasn’t greener.
What you did was wrong but you know this. Best to just put it down to experience you got out of an abusive relationship. Take some time to build yourself back up and next time you meet someone who is unavailable steer clear!

PurpleMustang · 15/01/2021 11:27

Because he did as all do and turned to The Script to justify being with you. Sorry but you really thought he was being honest with you when he could lie to his wife and kids. You are now saying he has changed, don't you think his wife thought the same when he left? You seem to think you are special and should be treated differently to any other person that built a relationship on a lie

Mamapep · 15/01/2021 11:29

You managed to leave your shitty husband, I would focus on that and yourself, not dwell on the other man.

bluebell34567 · 15/01/2021 11:34

he has children, he couldnt do it.

IBEX7 · 15/01/2021 11:45

Affairs are all about the illicit excitement. Once that goes and it’s “can you get me some Razors from the shop when you go” it’s game over.

If nothing else it got you away from your husband which was surely part of the plan.

You need to stop believing in fairy tales too. They aren’t real.

Dozycuntlaters · 15/01/2021 12:05

No judgement from me, I've been in your shoes.

It's not that he fell out of love with his wife and in love with you. Realistically speaking he was discontent and bored with his life and you gave him a spark and made him feel alive. But when push came to shove he felt like a fish out of water leaving everything familiar to him.

I imagine he is back with his wife to be honest but at least you got out your dreadful marriage. He's the loser in all this, and his wife of course who will probably never forgive him and punish him for a good long while.

Enjoy your freedom, work on yourself before embarking on another relationship.

You'll be fine, I was!!

Fifi1086 · 15/01/2021 12:07

No judgement at all - it does sound like when the affair was no longer a bit of excitement he realised perhaps what he had with his ex. Most likely back with her, but either way, take the positive from the situation. You are now out of a loveless unhealthy marriage and free to move on with the rest of your life

Mamapep · 15/01/2021 12:47

I don't think all affairs are over over the excitement is over. My dad married the woman he had an affair with 20 years ago. Wasn't exactly a fairy tale but can't help but feel some of these comments are a little PA diggy..

SilverRoe · 15/01/2021 12:50

He can’t stay away from her even if he wanted to because they have children together. The fantasy with you became a reality and seems like he realised that all relationships take work and aren’t just exciting passionate lust. So perhaps he’s simply realised he needs to grow up and work on a relationship like an adult - and who better to do that with than his actual wife?

ravenmum · 15/01/2021 12:52

@Mamapep

I don't think all affairs are over over the excitement is over. My dad married the woman he had an affair with 20 years ago. Wasn't exactly a fairy tale but can't help but feel some of these comments are a little PA diggy..
I think people are saying that the excitement must have been over in this case because the guy hasn't married OP, but has instead acted like someone who's no longer excited about his new partner.
ravenmum · 15/01/2021 12:54

OP, maybe just be pleased that it spurred you on to leave your ex, and maybe spurred him on to reconnect with his wife, even if that wasn't the outcome you'd hoped for.

Sandals19 · 15/01/2021 12:55

You can think. you're in love during the honeymoon period of a relationship (and affairs have the added factors of dopamine rush from secrecy, excitement from being illicit etc.) but then fall out of love when the honeymoon period passes. He could have thought he was in love but fallen out of it.

Also Ashe said himself - he and his wife are at the stressy, boring, hassley, no real time for each other, low level.of sex life part of a relationship. An affair with absolute undiluted attention, focus and novel.sex etc. would have seemed great but that would fade.

Also he's probably been hit by the reality of permanently leaving his wife and family, and being a single man with responsibility for his kids on his own every week, living with reduced financial comfort due to divorce settlement, maintenance etc. If he's not a high earner, that will be significant.

If his wife is willing to have him back, he's quite likely to do so for these and various other reasons.

ravenmum · 15/01/2021 12:57

He might even have realised that having left his wife, he doesn't actually have to tie himself down to someone else straight away, but could just as easily have some fun for a few years and try out multiple partners and experiences before settling down again.
Just like you, btw!

Dery · 15/01/2021 12:59

“I suppose he say quiet stereotypical thing about the wife, she’d stopped putting in effort, was all about the kids, sex life dwindled etc

Oh dear, that is a complete cliche. What was your AP doing to keep the spark alive with his wife when he had young kids?

Was he doing equal parenting and housework, was he supporting his wife, how much 'effort' did he put in??

He was out shagging you!”

This with bells on.

OP - you plainly don’t yet have children. For future reference, any father of small children who is shagging around on the basis that his wife is not putting in effort is a selfish, entitled man-child who will shit on anyone who doesn’t put him first.

Tier10 · 15/01/2021 12:59

Think of the affair as an exit affair, you got out of your bad marriage and now can concentrate on yourself and when the time is right finding someone who doesn’t have a wife.

Sandals19 · 15/01/2021 13:01

Ive seen numerous women in abusive, shot relationships (who are vulnerable whether they realise it or not) end up having affairs with cheaters & chancers who didn't then offer them the relationship they thought they'd get. To me it's like she's being abused by one man, and ends up being abused by another in a different way. She thinks he's her saviour and love of her life but he's just another abuser. He saw she was vulnerable and he's a predator of sorts. Near where I live there's a rural region where police men are notorious for this sort of behaviour. They specialise in unhappy wives, the wives often think they can leave their husband for a relationship with them, bit they don't follow through on a relationship (either don't get into one of they're single or don't leave their own wife/partner).

This is a bit different because he left his wife (or was he pushed at the time) but I still think there's been an element of predatory, exploitative behaviour of a vulnerable woman looking for a 'rescue"
Whether it was conscious or not.

praepondero · 15/01/2021 13:02

OP, your AP has most likely gone back to his wife, who, if she decides to allow the fucker to stay, will keep him in Purgatory forevermore and it serves him right.
Move on, find someone unattached. You don't need the baggage.

peak2021 · 15/01/2021 13:03

I understand leaving your exH. This does not justify having an affair with a married man. Most of whom never leave their wives, or go back to them.

Emeeno1 · 15/01/2021 13:10

It is interesting that posters are equating an 'abusive' or unhappy marriage as an understandable reason to have an affair. Isn't the flip side of this a man excusing an affair because he was unhappy at home?

Suffering unhappiness or abuse should not mean we are free to abuse others and cause them unhappiness in the shape of an affair.

ravenmum · 15/01/2021 13:29

Isn't the flip side of this a man excusing an affair because he was unhappy at home?
I'm sure the man in this case would argue that he had an affair because he had an unhappy marriage, same as OP. It's the same side of the coin.
I don't think affairs are going to stop happening however much we agree that people should leave their partners before starting a new relationship. (I'm sure OP thinks they should, too!)