Affair partner - blowing hot & cold *please go easy on me*

[Namechangererer]

I fully imagine I will get flamed for this, hence the name change, but here goes.

I had an affair last year (I was married and affair partner was married) . We worked together, quiet closely and we fell in love. I was in a loveless marriage, ex h was an alcoholic, constantly putting me down and very controlling (I know this isn’t an excuse). So I started an affair with my colleague, fell madly in love and left my ex, AP left his wife. I thought I’d gotten my ever after but after a few months he started blowing hot and cold, seemed to be seeing his ex a lot more (they have young dc) and he eventually called it off with me after blowing hot and cold. He promised he wasn’t back with his ex but I just don’t understand what happened. It’s like he changed into a different person !

Don’t really know what I’m asking, just looking to hear from others in similar situations and whether there was a happy outcome?

Will cut you some slack because you were in a bad marriage.

If it's ended, it wasn't meant to be. He wasn't as emotionally invested as you. Who knows why? perhaps he's just really shallow, a narcissist or very self centred. Reflect on the fact that you have had two lucky escapes - from your ex-h and from this guy (he's a faithless type who will cheat again). Focus on moving on positively

I agree that it was an exit affair for you definitely and probably him too.

Except that while you did escape a horrible situation and are better for it, he probably thought that his married life was shit and boring and dull and then realised (as many serial shaggers do) that it wasnt as bad as he thought it was until he had left. He probably misses getting his washing done and his meals cooked and seeing his kids every day.

Take it for what it was. A way to get you out of your shitty marriage. You put all that you wanted into him, which is why you talk of falling in love. I think that actually you were falling into want. You wanted a loving caring relationship that you didnt have at the time and thought that he would give you that, he promised you that didnt he? Said he loved you, said he would be there for you in a way your abusive husband wasnt.

And now you have found that he may have been what you wanted then, he isnt what you need.

He's got young children! Do you honestly not give a fuck about them?

Does he give a fuck about them? They're his responsibility yet he was the one playing away!

@BeckyWithTheGoodHair5629456

He's got young children! Do you honestly not give a fuck about them?

Does he give a fuck about them? They're his responsibility yet he was the one playing away!

Well quite.

Love how the OP is being held responsible for him being a shit father.

OP please don't take too much the heart the usual comments that he was using you, that you were just a shag or a bit on the side. Maybe that's true, but it is equally likely he looked at the enormity of leaving in terms of everyone's lives, most especially his children's and changed his mind. Or that he loved and loves you but isn't ready to leave - and may never be. Or that your relationship illuminated something but going full tilt into a relationship with you wasn't right for him. Or that he wants to be single for now. Or maybe he is an arse and a player. The only thing you do KNOW is that right now, he says he doesn't want to be with you and painful and all as that is, you have to try and move on and heal yourself from everything you have been through otherwise in terms of your marriage ending etc. I was in a not dissimilar situation to you many many years ago and in some ways obsessing about him, his motivations, etc kept me going through the rest of it. But the rest of it has to faced at some stage. You can do this, you really can and whatever the future holds - and he may even be in it - being a strong and independent woman, out of what was a toxic relationship is the great win out of all of this.

An affair is very different to a relationship though, and I guess it doesn’t work for him as a relationship. I don’t think it’s unusual.

Sorry you have had a tough time OP, but look at him as the person who got you out of a shitty marriage, and focus on moving on with your life. I think the best thing to do would be to sort out some counselling and commit to being single for a year as if you didn’t leave your husband and got entangled with a married bloke, it does sound like you use men as a crutch.

Also, OP, while I do feel for you it is not v convincing that you are claiming to feel guilty re the wife, whilst worrying about whether he has gone back to her. If they have kids and can make it work let’s hope he has. We all make mistakes but please move on from this now.

Hey OP, no advice on what is going on, only that I wonder if being part of the family unit was, ultimately what drew him back. He has more than just his ex, he has his children too. But it’s a good thing that you managed to leave your partner. I hope that you are staying strong and that this situation isn’t bringing you down on top of that. You’ve had a bit of a time of it; going from an abusive relationship to this, so I hope you are able to take some time for yourself. X

@Namechangererer

I guess I just don’t understand how he could fall out of love with wife, fall in love with me then go back to wife!! I know it was wrong and I never wanted to start a relationship that way, I was just so down in my own marriage I guess and I thought he was too yet he can’t seem to keep away from her

He didn't fall out of love with the wife , fall in love with you and then go back to the wife.

He never loved anybody but himself, not even his children.
Don't waste anymore time pining over him, you may as well have been seeing a brick.

Op no judgment from me. Sometimes situations are shot, like your former marriage.
I’ve been/am there (haven’t had an affair - but I would).
It’s sad you fell in love.
He clearly didn’t.
That’s harsh. But he had more to lose than you - he clearly wasn’t in an abusive relationship.
I hope you get past this.

Shit - not shot

He's either sleeping with his wife or has someone new.

It’s highly likely that he thought the grass would be greener but once the relationship was no longer illicit and because banal and mundane, it wasn’t all that great!

It’s easy to have a great love when you don’t have any run of the mill stuff to deal with.

If he can break his wife's heart, he can break yours.

I don't think he used you. He probably did love you but the gravity of his situation must have came down on him.
Leaving his children etc. As PP said I don't think he ever fell out of love with this wife, he just fell in love with you.
When theres another option infront of you, you compare. When you like the other person, the lust over takes you, the attention and you try to justify yourself by picking out your partner's faults.

Yes I've had an affair and thankfully I had the sense eventually and finished it after a couple of months. Worst thing I've ever done. We were going through such a rough patch and thought myself out of love with my DP. I wasn't we just took each other for granted. DP still doesnt know. I love him loads and have learnt from it.

This is what your DP has done but hes been stupid enough to leeve his wife.

He will have learned from this and so will you.

No judgement

I think the likeliest thing is he was bored, had a fling, now has returned to family. It sounds like it was a short period of time?

The excitement of the affair probably made the whole thing more romantic than it actually was and probably exaggerated the feelings between you. When be left his wife for you, I imagine reality set in and be realised the grass isn't always greener. Although he's clearly a shit for having an affair (I won't be harsh on you OP as you've had your fair share) I hope he has realised be was wrong and is trying to prioritise his family over his dick.

Onwards and upwards OP. It sounds like you needed to get out of the situation with your ex so this hasn't been a total loss. Hopefully you'll meet a (single!) man who will treat you well. All the best!

I have no idea why he kept autocorrecting to be.

It's been a long day.

Sorry op it sounds like he saw you were vulnerable and in a bad relationship and took advantage as wanted a bit of fun. He probably still loves his wife, he may love you too. Sounds like he loves himself the most though, I’d start closing yourself off from him. Good luck.

Try and see things a bit differently.

Maybe this was your exit affair. You got out of the controlling, alcohol driven marriage because of this man.

Maybe it's an opportunity to just focus on you.

Let him sort himself out, maybe he needs to be with his kids, maybe he regrets what he did.

Maybe you need to focus on you.

The best gift a woman can give themselves is independence and being comfortable on your own. Perhaps then you won't make compromises in your relationship choices.

Once reality hit he wanted to be back with his family. The fizz of illicit sex soon wears off when the arguments about domestic chores comes on. I feel for you - lessons learned here - I’m not judging - your ex sounds awful and I wish you happiness with a man who is emotionally available xx

No judgement here, you’re obviously suffering. Op it’s probably not the wife at all but her as part of the family set up. Leaving your family is a huge deal and even if I really, truly loved someone I don’t think there could be enough weight in any relationship on its own to balance out the loss of my children in their family home with both parents. It’s really shit and hurtful for you but this is the reality once you get married and have a family isn’t it, it’s not just about what you want any more.

Try and keep your dignity, take good care of yourself and recognise that you are out of a relationship that made you unhappy. Maybe look for somebody younger and carefree and just have some fun, it sounds like you could do with it after all this heavy stuff.

@CatVsChristmasTree

You're not the shiny new thing any more.

This.

The bloke sounds like he has more exciting things to chase... Men that have affairs seen to like the thrill of the chase, and can ''Get bored'' .

H. Tudor on You Tube speaks of this in a podcast on Narcissism.

But anyone who is capable of cheating on his wife is capable of treating someone else {You} badly, as you are finding out.

Infidelity hurts.

@CatVsChristmasTree

You're not the shiny new thing any more.

This. And to advise you that you are probably well out of it. What someone will do with you, they will also do to you when the going gets rough.

Some men like to be the rescuer. Once you've been "rescued", you may lose your appeal a bit. Also, the pressure on him to continue to be your knight in shining armour isn't sustainable (even if that's something he's put on himself). And I agree with PP regarding the family unit. The closer he gets to you, the further his children may fell like they're slipping away. And if his marriage wasn't horrendous and he actually feels guilt about your affair, going back to pay him penance is a normal response.
Agree with others, see this for what it was, support to get you out of a bad situation and now spend time healing from your marriage and dealing with the underlying issues that got you to where you are now. Then when you're ready for someone new, you won't attract an abusive man or a cheat.

So a cheating liar is complaining that another cheating liar is lying and cheating to her???
OK right... I am sure both your partners, were absolutely horrible people to force such honourable people to act like this.