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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair partner - blowing hot & cold *please go easy on me*

133 replies

Namechangererer · 14/01/2021 22:38

I fully imagine I will get flamed for this, hence the name change, but here goes.

I had an affair last year (I was married and affair partner was married) . We worked together, quiet closely and we fell in love. I was in a loveless marriage, ex h was an alcoholic, constantly putting me down and very controlling (I know this isn’t an excuse). So I started an affair with my colleague, fell madly in love and left my ex, AP left his wife. I thought I’d gotten my ever after but after a few months he started blowing hot and cold, seemed to be seeing his ex a lot more (they have young dc) and he eventually called it off with me after blowing hot and cold. He promised he wasn’t back with his ex but I just don’t understand what happened. It’s like he changed into a different person !

Don’t really know what I’m asking, just looking to hear from others in similar situations and whether there was a happy outcome?

OP posts:
trixiebelden77 · 15/01/2021 07:25

I agree with London Crone it’s so difficult to break a bond that’s come about over years and years. I’m always surprised when someone new comes along and they end up together - to me it seems like a losing battle from the start.

mylovelydd · 15/01/2021 07:50

I guess I just don’t understand how he could fall out of love with wife, fall in love with me then go back to wife!!

That's because he wasn't in love with you I guess.
Men who cheat don't tend to find their 'happy ever after' with women who cheat (or anyone else for that matter). They just like to get their dick wet with anyone who takes the bait. They are liars by nature and this if you know a man will cheat and lie to the woman he swore eternal love to, don't be surprised when he does it to you. Because he will.

Move on. Work on your self esteem. Do the Freedom Programme and don't sleep with attached men. I hope both there women in this equation (you AND his poor wife!!) ditch this toss-rag.

His wife deserves so much better than the way you have both treated her.

IndieRo · 15/01/2021 08:05

I actually do understand that people have affairs when they are in unhappy or abusive relationships. The AP seems like your saviour, you get excited about seeing them, you plan a life in your head with them. You are just so blinded by this new romance, affection and attention that nothing else matters. You are the vulnerable one. The AP has all the power as they are just looking for a good time, bit of escapism for a while. They are not emotionally attached the way you are. So when reality hits and the walls start going up they are out of there, funs over. Please do not chase AP or go back to husband. You need to build up your self esteem and confidence. AP will keep you dangling and keep popping back into your life if you let him. As hard as it sounds and I'm not being mean like some posters when I say this but he doesn't feel the same way about you. Forget about him, if he could leave his wife and kids then he's not a good person to be with or have in your life. He will do the same to you. As the saying goes "if they did it with you they will do it on you".

theleafandnotthetree · 15/01/2021 08:29

Some people are being so kind and giving such good advice and some, of course are being cruel and vulgar with it ('just like to get their dick wet with anyone who will take the bait', really??). I would try and focus on the former. You don't have to hate him and think him a dreadful person to move on from him, you can do that while seeing him as a flawed and conflicted human being that you loved once.

waterlily1922 · 15/01/2021 08:34

Hi op . In most cases people just get bored and take for granted who they have been with for a long time because they it's just boring everyday life . Someone new comes along and they get close and it's new and all exciting . Then when reality hits they realise that they have made a big mistake and go back . It's nothing to do with you at all so don't take it to heart but who ever he was with he would be the same . It takes someone to lose it all to realise how good they got it back home . You need to cut all contact now op and move on . I know it's harder said than done but otherwise youl be feeling the way you are for years x

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 15/01/2021 08:36

He liked the excitement, now that you aren't sneaking around anymore its not exciting and he's realised that you are just a normal woman like the rest of us. Classic case of grass isn't always greener.

WB205020 · 15/01/2021 08:39

He realised the grass int greener on the other side.

Dontbeme · 15/01/2021 09:21

@SnowflakeCulture

You were desperate, he could smell it, so used you. His wife is also pathetic so he knew he could get away with it. Next time get divorced first and find a single man.
The wife is pathetic? Maybe she dealing with kids asking where their father is and also her own heart breaking that her husband was out fucking a coworker. She is probably trying her best to hold her family together and for now having the arsehole at home seems "best" she will see in time what he is.
mylovelydd · 15/01/2021 09:27

@Namechangererer
Some people are being so kind and giving such good advice and some, of course are being cruel and vulgar with it ('just like to get their dick wet with anyone who will take the bait', really??). I would try and focus on the former. You don't have to hate him and think him a dreadful person to move on from him, you can do that while seeing him as a flawed and conflicted human being that you loved once.

I am almost 50 and can use whatever expression I like thank you Hmm Vulgar? 😂 I expect you wrote a strongly worded letter with your quill and ink to Amy Winehouse for using the same expression ffs.👍

Neither party are innocent and Op needs to move on.
Also please point out to me where in my post I didn't give her good advice about moving on. This man doesn't care about her OR his wife. What else is there to say about him? That he deeply loves her and lives in turmoil and is only staying for the children? Hmm

RealisticSketch · 15/01/2021 09:30

I think often it's a lack of emotional wisdom in the ap, they have a temporary problem (life's a bit of a grind with young kids) and hanker after the simplicity and ease of before all that, they equate these doldrums with falling out of love with their wife or 'needing' something else. Sometimes they have a dalliance but don't burn any bridges, sometimes they make life changing decisions based on this shaky ground, but then wake up to what they've got to lose and back pedal hard as they can.
It's sad really that they do so much damage just to learn what they should already know. If they're unlucky it all goes up in smoke, if they're lucky the have a way back and discover the kids get older, the wife they loved gets to be more like her old self and the wheels are back on the wagon.
Sadly you got caught up in that, and as understandable as it all is from his pov and yours, unfortunately you've lost the most out of the two of you because you were looking far down the track eyes open while he wasn't.
I agree with pp, in time this will be part of the tapestry of your life and who knows, maybe his real gift was to free you up to find true happiness.
I just hope you can trust after this, I think finding someone you thought was amazing but capable of huge betrayal must do damage to your faith in people's integrity.

theleafandnotthetree · 15/01/2021 09:38

Mylovelydd, just to respond...of course you can use any language you like. My own policy on the rare occasions I write on something like this is to never write something down that I wouldn't say to a persons face or to use language I wouldn't use with a stranger if we happened to converse about something like this. Perhaps that does make me desperately old-fashioned but I'll stick with it. And you do you. I am thinking of the OP, who whatever her mistakes is probably feeling very fragile right now and words can be weapons.

Original poster
Namechangererer · 15/01/2021 09:43

I suppose he say quiet stereotypical thing about the wife, she’d stopped putting in effort, was all about the kids, sex life dwindled etc

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 15/01/2021 09:56

@FuckOffBorisYouTwat

He wasn't interested in you but the excitement. But don't dwell on that. You have managed to leave an awful man. Spend time on your own and learn to be happy alone. You will meet someone right when you are happy with your self.
this
Verylongweek · 15/01/2021 09:57

Do you have kids OP?

tenlittlecygnets · 15/01/2021 09:58

I guess I just don’t understand how he could fall out of love with wife, fall in love with me then go back to wife!! I know it was wrong and I never wanted to start a relationship that way, I was just so down in my own marriage I guess and I thought he was too yet he can’t seem to keep away from her

Maybe never fell out of love with his wife, but he fancied you and or wanted to help/rescue you, and stay with his wife? Men can generally compartmentalise sex and love more than women can.

At least you are away from your abusive marriage! Focus on yourself, block your ex and your AP, and move on with your life. I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about his motivation - that way lies madness.

tenlittlecygnets · 15/01/2021 10:00

I suppose he say quiet stereotypical thing about the wife, she’d stopped putting in effort, was all about the kids, sex life dwindled etc

Oh dear, that is a complete cliche. What was your AP doing to keep the spark alive with his wife when he had young kids?

Was he doing equal parenting and housework, was he supporting his wife, how much 'effort' did he put in??

He was out shagging you!

theleafandnotthetree · 15/01/2021 10:02

Oh he might indeed still love her and be living in turmoil and staying for the kids. It happens, and perhaps more frequently than might be imagined reading here where the automatic assumption of some is that every man who has an affair is a selfish bastard led by his penis, cackling away at all the women he is using and hurting. Oh and who only returns to his wife to get his meals cooked and underpants washed. Only on mumsnet have I encountered this mythical people who make life decisions based on getting articles of clothing washed by someone else.

The point is, the OPs affair partner may be the pantomime villain AP or he may be something else entirely, we just don't know. But in a way it doesn't matter and the OP has to do the hard work of moving on regardless and her task is to stop obsessing over him, which she probably is at the moment

dottiedodah · 15/01/2021 10:04

Firstly You are not the first or last person in this situation for sure! I feel sorry for you, but this man will probably have returned to his ex by now .He may have loved you ,but probably feels more for his ex as they had been together a while .Chalk it up to experience and move on to someone unattached .

theleafandnotthetree · 15/01/2021 10:05

That last message was largely in response to mylovelydd by the way. I'm so old-fashioned I've not figured out this responding thing entirely Grin

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 15/01/2021 10:09

Reality has set in unfortunately I would say if he could have an affair with you it might have done that in the future.

Tbh do you think you'd be better building your life back up after your divorce and then move on slowly?

TammyHullfigure · 15/01/2021 10:14

@Namechangererer

I suppose he say quiet stereotypical thing about the wife, she’d stopped putting in effort, was all about the kids, sex life dwindled etc
Yes, how predicatable. And you fell for it. Pick up your self respect, block this man and move on.
Imaginetoday · 15/01/2021 10:26

@Namechangererer

I guess I just don’t understand how he could fall out of love with wife, fall in love with me then go back to wife!! I know it was wrong and I never wanted to start a relationship that way, I was just so down in my own marriage I guess and I thought he was too yet he can’t seem to keep away from her
Are you confusing lust and infatuation with love?
AwaAnBileYerHeid · 15/01/2021 10:31

I guess I just don’t understand how he could fall out of love with wife, fall in love with me then go back to wife!!

He didn't fall out of love with his wife. He was tempted by something shiny and new and fed you the line that he had fallen out of love with her. What he felt with you wasn't love, it was lust. Easy come easy go.

SlothMama · 15/01/2021 10:36

The fun of the affair has worn off for him sadly, once a cheat always a cheat.

But on the positive it's got you out of a loveless marriage, it's time for you to work on yourself and enjoy being single for a bit.

Sakurami · 15/01/2021 10:54

Young children test relationships and he probably wasn't getting the same attention from his wife or he wasn't pulling his weight and they were both tired. So he got your full attention and adoration and he enjoyed that. But maybe losing her made him realise that actually he did love her. Or he could just like the thrill. Or something else, we don't know.

But if the affair helped you leave your ex then it is good for you. And now that you are free and single you can start dating from a much wider pool. Keep your standards high and enjoy yourself.