Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

Well done. I'm proud of you x

OP can you just put it all back in the post with not known at this address on it?

@MoreLegsThanMe Well done for burning that letter! Baby steps x

Before he left he actually looked me in the eye and said when it came I could just open it and message him the date and time of the appointment.

I just don’t understand this fantasy world he’s living in.

Just read your thread. So sorry to read you are going through such turmoil.

I think you should actually message him the date and time of the appointment. A fortnight AFTER it's happened! What planet is he on?!

He really does think that you will do whatever he wants you to doesnt he?! How thick does he think you are?!

My first thought would be to call the hospital and get the address changed if it had been me, I wouldnt trust an ex to pass on that info to enable my sex life to the person I had left them for! Not that I would do that anyway but YKWIM.

I think you did a wonderful thing by burning it, and as I have gone 10 days straight without post in recent weeks due to covid, and have had stuff not turning up at all, you can claim ignorance and blame the Royal Mail!

Before he left he told me I’d be alright because I am a strong woman. What a joke. Even the night before he left he was hoping the letter would arrive soon.

He hasn’t been in touch with DS and the girls for so long.

What does he actually see in this person? Can’t he see how cheap and sordid she is even being on one of those filthy sites? Everything is gone now. He has lost his entire family, even his own father, brother and sister. He has destroyed everything for this. Thirty-seven years gone. More than half my life. And for what.

Oh I’m sorry - so much whining and self-pity there. Sorry.

Well done for burning that letter - I'd have done exactly the same.
There's no self pity here, you're processing and that is fine.
You still don't realise how strong you have been so far, in spite of everything. X

I've just seen this thread. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you really are doing so well though it obviously won't feel that way.

And well done for burning that appointment letter, he really doesn't have a clue, does he??

I'd have eaten the fucking letter. The cheek of him - he expects you to be reasonable and comply, sod that.

Good for you!

Did you read the letter before burning it? Do you know when the appointment is?

Thinking of you

Well done for burning the letter. I hope that you get some sleep tonight.

@MoreLegsThanMe

Just seen your thread and read through all your posts. I'm so sorry you've been having to deal with all this and I can't imagine how fragile you feel right now. Well done for speaking to your GP and getting help with your state of mind - that's an incredibly brave thing to do, and reveals that you're strong enough to make those sensible decisions even whilst running on autopilot.

I don't have 5 children, but I do know what it's like to be left for another woman out of the blue when all you've been doing is helping your partner work through problems. It does feel like you've been used (even more so than usual), and it is a kicker, but one thing I want to tell you that took me a while to really understand is... that you aren't responsible for any of this.

People do change - and not always for the better. The man he is now is not the man you fell in love with, and that's not your fault. He's chosen to deal with his problems by running away into fantasy land with a woman who doesn't know all of his baggage, and by painting a happy fantasy life. That's a selfish, cruel and deluded coping strategy that he has chosen by himself.

Being left without warning is a huge shock to the system, and it will take you a while to adjust. You're very lovely, telling your DC that you're taking sides whilst wanting to howl into a pillow and instead, holding it together, but it's gratifying to know that your family are siding with you anyway.

Life is different. Some of life may feel worse, but some of it will feel better in time. I promise you, there will come a point when you feel like a whole person again, and when you can see things in your life that have improved for surviving this breakup. I know it's too soon to picture any of that and you're just making it through each day as it comes, but as a stranger looking in, I can tell you that there are better days ahead that I can see even if you're too upset to. They will come.

He's broken his relationship with his children, and with you. It really is his loss. You're doing so, so well, and you know what? You're magnificent. You are. You might not feel like a role model right now, but I'm in awe of your strength to keep plodding on, and so are the other women reading your posts. Never forget how amazing you are - remind yourself of that each day.

Take care, you incredible woman.

He actually has no comprehension of what his actions have done, does he?
He still believes you are his ally and still wish to help him, doesn't he?
He really is deluded.
My husband did something similar when he left, he needed all manner of things doing so his buisness could continue, rediculously hurtful but at the same time expecting help.

He has burnt many bridges but expects you not to, you are now being faced with that decision, and much of your grief is wrapped up in the indecision of whether or not to cut the cord completely.
Do you hit the button and bring him back to reality, because you know he is clearly not thinking straight or wait for him to at least see the error of his ways.

You sound a lovely intellegent woman who has helped him throughout his life and your realisation that he is a total ingrate has been powerfuly shown.
I honestly can't think as to why this has happened so late in his life, I found out in my situation that indeed it was linked to him having a nuerological problem but it didn't excuse the cruelty in which he did it.
As the pp has said you are an incredible woman, and by the sounds of it been an incredible wife, my advice would be though, don't let him drag you down to his level, I can see nastiness on the horizon to justify his behaviour.

At some point this madness of his will end, I'm sure of it, and when it does, as usual you will be expected to pick up the pieces and help him overcome the cause and even defend him from his extremely bad behaviour, he will expect it, I can see it coming.

Take care
Hope you have a stronger day. x

@MoreLegsThanMe I’ve not commented on your thread, but have been following it, and wanted to give you a few things that have helped me.

For reference, it was me that left him, due to abuse...but his behaviour since has somewhat mirrored your DHs behaviour.

There are two things I try and keep in mind:

• what an absolute dick he is and how everyone around him knows that he’s a dick. I find great comfort in that it’s not just ME seeing him in that way.

• it’s early days but if you’re on Instagram, look up the family lawyer. She has run some interesting interviews with people regarding starting again

which has given me some hope that life moves forward.

I hope you don’t mind, but I really laughed at you burning his hospital letter.

You’re doing a grand job keeping it together. And don’t worry about taking ADs. I’m on them. I won’t be forever, but it allows me a bit more objective clarity rather than being a soggy weeping mess the whole time.

Whatever gets you through....

And BRAVO! it’s shit. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

You're getting angry now, that's progress. You sound a stronger person than did a week ago.
You're a kind intelligent lady and he is a fool. You will move on and broaden your horizons and find new friends, as you pointed out, he will get exactly what he deserves, nothing.

Well done for burning the letter. He can work his own erectile shit out, starting by making sure he’s in contact with the hospital. Too hard? Too bad. You never saw it arrive. Poor overtaxed nhs.

While I fully support burning it, not at all sure about the poster who recommended eating it. Wtf? I’m glad you didn’t eat it. Is there some Arthouse movie where a woman wronged sits down and carefully eats a letter to her cheating ex? I’m imagining a dimly lit mansion with silver plate

I'm so sorry OP, my husband did this too, came home one night after work, packed a bag and pissed off after 20 years, I had no idea anything was wrong.
Of course there was another woman, there always is.
At the moment he is thinking with lust so you won't be able to get through to him, he has rosy specs on so bide your time.
That woman sounds like an absolute dog - who turns up shouting outside the exs house?
Given she is an absolute dog you mark my works this relationship will not last.
I went to my doctor and went on citalopram because I felt suicidal, that helped no end with the awful feelings of terror and loss and I'd not have got through it without them.
Then as the months went on I realised I had sanitised life with my ex because I wanted my life to be something it wasn't, the illusion started to peel away and I realised I'd been living with a selfish man child for years and had sacrificed everything for him and so relieved he's gone.
He is now living in a crummy bedsit on the other side of the country, the OW has dumped him and he doesn't have a job because of covid. He regrets leaving more than anything but after three years I don't want him back.
At this stage it's important just to get through each day. See your GP if you need help to get by. Start going through your finances and working out a budget, it's going to take time. Don't make any spur of the moment decisions.
Are you financially ok?

*And I did a bad thing today. The letter we had both waited so long for, with his appointment to learn how to use his implant and be cleared for sex. The letter we’d longed for.

I set fire to it.*

OMG I just saw this and laughed and laughed.

OP I absolutely love your update, setting fire to his letter - I take my hat off to you 💐

Your dc's sound bloody great, helping you with chores etc. What the slime bag forgets is your dcs are aware of the hurt he is causing you, this will not end well for him.