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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He can't decide if he wants me or the other girls,walk away?

141 replies

Givemeoilinmylamp · 09/01/2021 15:41

I'm dating ? Sleeping with? him.
We have been for 5 months now.
He has told me that he is also texting a few other women.
I'm driving myself into a bit of a tizzy.
I'm checking when he is online and I know he must be texting one of these other women.
When he was drunk last week he said "who would treat me better I wonder"
I know who these women are as he showed me them on Facebook.
So now I compare myself to them and check to see if he has liked any of their pics (sad I know)
What do I do ?
Do I walk away?
Before lockdown happened he went out for lunch with one of them (even tho I asked him not to go and come and see me instead )
It's really hammering my self esteem.
Do I walk away now? When it's only been a short time?

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 09/01/2021 17:19

Why oh why are you letting this scumbag of a user treat you in such a despicable way?

Don't walk away from him. RUN away from him!

When you are far away from him, do something like The Freedom Programme, so you never again let anyone treat you in this dreadful way.

Sweettea1 · 09/01/2021 17:21

Walk away. Yes it will hurt but not as much as he will hurt you if you continue this. Go find someone who will respect you.

seensome · 09/01/2021 17:24

Live and learn, ditch him, maybe even tell him you've chosen someone else!
Next time if you want an exclusive relationship, make it clear from the start what you looking for, don't ever ever let a man treat you like this again.

GrannieD · 09/01/2021 17:29

Run fast and delete .....would rather be single

esselllx · 09/01/2021 17:33

Do it from now. I'm serious. You can clearly see the type of person that he is. He won't change. Don't get more involved to catch deeper feelings you'll just be destroying yourself. Take it from someone who's going through it for 5 years wishing I left him. Which now feels impossible as I stayed after everything he done for so long. Taking him back after cheating and we now have a daughter. I've been through hell with him and continue to do so. Don't waste your life on someone like that you'll just be breaking your own heart.

Dery · 09/01/2021 17:52

“If the way he's treated you hasn't made you run for the hills and think he's a gross prick, you aren't in a safe enough headspace for dating. You'll make decisions that are wrong for you and you'll be vulnerable.

I would focus on yourself before dating anyone else - look up the shark cage analogy and see if it is of interest to you.”

This with bells on. Please keep away from dating until you have done some serious work on your self esteem. A relationship should be a nurturing, secure and joyful thing. This is a shit show. Walk away now. Your future self will thank you.

CoopsMalloops · 09/01/2021 17:57

Oh my god, what are you doing? Walk away from this dickhead.
Imagine going for lunch with one of them?!
Get yourself together woman.

appleaddiction · 09/01/2021 17:59

Run far far away and don’t look back. You’re worth so much more than this.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/01/2021 18:00

Also OP he says shit like this to loads of girls at one time because it's a sort of filtering tool.

Those who don't immediately stop talking to him because he is an arrogant little prick are the ones he knows are more vulnerable to his shit.

So he'll say something similar or worse again, to narrow down his short list again.

Then he'll be left with 1/2/3 women he knows he can treat appallingly and will see him as a prize, compare themselves to others, tolerate him being nasty etc.

It's one way of emotional abusers finding victims.

Sakurami · 09/01/2021 18:00

Run and don't look back!

blueangel19 · 09/01/2021 18:03

OMG! I think is the psycho spectrum. Who does that?

SunshineCake · 09/01/2021 18:10

Who are these people bringing up daughters to have such low self worth they don't know what to do in this situation or can't do it without strangers telling them to Sad.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/01/2021 18:16

Oh god, there is nothing less attractive that someone doing the pick me dance.
Don't play along with his bullshit, he's clearly enjoying it and I would be surprised if he is actually seeing another woman, never mind multiple women.

Original poster
Givemeoilinmylamp · 09/01/2021 18:45

@SunshineCake funny you should say that actually,my good friend said to me today "I don't want to upset you but you need to hear this,if your mam was still alive today,what would she tell you,do you think she would want you to feel like this"

She is true

OP posts:
DuzzyFuck · 09/01/2021 19:26

I just wanted to add to my previous that you're not alone OP, so don't feel bad. I once continued chasing a guy after he'd walk into a bar in front of my friends and I with one of the other girls, then proceeded to nuzzle up against her on the dancefloor. This was about 12 hours after I'd left his bed. THE SHAME.

After I finally walked away I've never looked back, and will never, ever let anyone treat me as an option again. You can do it and you'll feel so much better and stronger for it x

ginandwineandbaileys · 09/01/2021 19:35

Tell him you're dumping him because you've chosen someone else that you're talking to.
What an arse

DianaT1969 · 09/01/2021 19:41

No, don't drop him. keep sleeping with him. This man deserves sex and attention from more than one woman at a timr. He's totally loyal, can be trusted not to hurt you - in other words - he's a keeper.
It's honestly every woman's dream to do the pick me dance and to constantly feel "not quite good enough".

FinallyHere · 09/01/2021 19:42

You know the answer, don't you? What would you say to a friend, sister or daughter who was in this position?

https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Dery · 09/01/2021 19:43

“Also OP he says shit like this to loads of girls at one time because it's a sort of filtering tool.

Those who don't immediately stop talking to him because he is an arrogant little prick are the ones he knows are more vulnerable to his shit.

So he'll say something similar or worse again, to narrow down his short list again.

Then he'll be left with 1/2/3 women he knows he can treat appallingly and will see him as a prize, compare themselves to others, tolerate him being nasty etc.

It's one way of emotional abusers finding victims.”

This post from @youvegottenminuteslynn is really important. Please read this and take it on board. This man’s instinct is to abuse and humiliate the women who like him and want to be with him. It doesn’t matter how good looking he is or how good he is in bed (though I suspect he’s a very selfish lover), he is an abuser and therefore very bad for you. Get him gone.

Timeflyin · 09/01/2021 19:58

@MushMonster

Yes, you need to dump him of course. But he deserves a callous way of being dump. Maybe ghost him? Tell him you have decided to go with the other guy you are seeing as he is just so much better in bed? Dump him because really, you do not find him attractive at all? Some way that hurt him that bit. Ghosting I think would be the best.
Haha definitely this without doubt
Sundance2741 · 09/01/2021 20:09

@topcat2014

Exactly!

Parky04 · 09/01/2021 20:17

Have only read the headline and yes you should walk away!

Original poster
Givemeoilinmylamp · 09/01/2021 20:25

I have deffo been doing the pick me dance.
Nice outfits ,getting my hair done for when I see him.
Putting sexy pics on social media.
Nothing was ever good enough.
Sometimes I don't even think it was about looks for him,it was just attention and women wanting him.
He gets a buzz off us all wanting him.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/01/2021 20:31

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Also OP he says shit like this to loads of girls at one time because it's a sort of filtering tool.

Those who don't immediately stop talking to him because he is an arrogant little prick are the ones he knows are more vulnerable to his shit.

So he'll say something similar or worse again, to narrow down his short list again.

Then he'll be left with 1/2/3 women he knows he can treat appallingly and will see him as a prize, compare themselves to others, tolerate him being nasty etc.

It's one way of emotional abusers finding victims.

Does this make sense to you OP?

Your responses to him (posting pictures you think are sexy, competing with other girls etc) means you're vulnerable to other people doing this to you.

Original poster
Givemeoilinmylamp · 09/01/2021 20:35

@youvegottenminuteslynn it does,I need to step away from it and also step away for dating till I sort my head out don't I.

OP posts:
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