Lockdown Birthdays...AIBU?

[TeaBeforeTwo]

Namechanged for this post.

I have a significant birthday tomorrow and my DH and I had booked a city break some months ago...all well and good obviously until COVID / lockdown struck and plans went out of the window.

DH had contributed a good amount of money to the trip as my birthday present...probably about 75% of the amount in total. Money being refunded and we will rebook when the country can travel again although this probably won’t be until 2022 given the destination, if then.

My question is would you expect your DH to give you anything else for your birthday or would you accept that the gift is the trip which is going to be significantly postponed now?

Interested to hear people’s views on this...

@TeaBeforeTwo
Yes, that's the similarity (that made me post my own wail of woe, sorry!)
You come across as an enormously understanding and giving person.
Perhaps he has come to rely on that and rather takes advantage of it (consciously or not)?

My teenage son with Autism barged in when I was opening The Card earlier in my bedroom (no concept of privacy!) then said: 'argh, Mum, I didn't know how to tell you, but the thing I ordered you I messed up the order, sorry, now you won't get it on time, shall we change the day of your Birthday so it's got time to come and I can make you a card on my laptop?' and gave me a hug. (I got something in my eye)
If a teenage lad(with ASD!) can say: 'ooof, I / it cocked up' then so should a grown man be able to - & then get you card / chocs / flowers.

from me xxx

Give yourself a birthday that will count OP.

Get those ducks in a row.

He sounds like a real horror.

I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg of what you have put up with..

Thanks all. Really grateful for your responses, kind words and birthday wishes.

@Sakurami Yes, we definitely speak a different love language. Have read the book but not done the quiz so will do that.

@Ssslou Thank you for your kind words. I can’t rely on him in these situations that’s for sure.

I do think he creates conflict on purpose before special occasions. It’s like he feels under pressure and can’t cope with it so the conflict detracts from him having to be nice. I guess he feels as though he has to perform in some way and is going to be judged for it. Maybe it is hard for him but he’s had years to practise as we all have! It’s hard to have sympathy for any grown adult who hasn’t learned to give freely.

I’m going to make sure I have the birthdays I want in future by creating them myself. Lockdown got in the way of this one as it has for many people. That’s the challenge of lockdown isn’t it? It magnifies where you live and who you are with.

Really grateful to you all.

@52andblue I think he does take advantage of my generally capable personality. I rarely rely on him. If I want something I get it. If I need something doing I do it. It is rare that I ask him for support. That’s why I sort of hoped that he would understand that this, of all years, was important.

I hope you have a good birthday on Tuesday whatever it may contain. And yes, refreshing that your teenage son with ASD can recognise a cock up and apologise rather than make excuses for why they have messed up. Bless him. Take care. Enjoy the book when it arrives...

@TeaBeforeTwo I'm sorry that your DH has behaved so badly. It doesn't matter that the trip had to be cancelled (which was very sad), what does matter is that he didn't try and do one thing to cheer you up and celebrate in its place.

There was a significant birthday in my household recently and 90% of our plans were put on hold due to COVID.

What did happen was a very special weekend dinner cooked by me, a lovely lunch out (restaurants were open at the time). On the day itself a hotel style breakfast with the children before they went to school opening their presents and lunch and dinner too with the house fully decorated and favourite birthday cake.

I felt the need to organise this because it was a significant birthday but also because covid spoilt so many plans.

I really couldn't stay with someone who didn't feel in the slightest that they could do ONE of the above but also turns it around and gets angry and makes you feel even more like s**t. I feel very sad for you - I really hope you do something about it.

@TeaBeforeTwo I'm so sorry to read how your husband treats you. It's bad enough to feel unseen in a relationship, but to be made to feel guilty for meeting your own needs borders on gaslighting! I'm glad you seem like a well balanced person who can find ways to get your needs met outside of your marriage, and I presume you stay in it for good reasons, and it's very understandable to have less capacity to deal with these things at the moment

My birthday is today and my new partner got me a card and a gift, as well as saying that we'll rebook the weekend away we had to cancel and he'll pay this time. I still feel a bit crap because, covid! I hope you're feeling better today.

Belated happy birthday to you OP!

It’s my husbands birthday next month, we’ve had to postpone our holiday, which was his gift from me. I’ve arranged for him to have a cake and flowers delivered, I will collect a meal from one of his favourite restaurants (if they’re still open!) and I’ve bought him a beautiful cashmere coat. It’s not the same as the holiday, but needed to do something to alleviate the disappointment! Usually we’d be toasting champagne with friends, lockdown birthdays are bloody awful....you deserved better.

I find it strange that if your married why you had to point in money at all. Surely all money is joint?

But to answer your question, I had booked to go away for my husband’s bday which was cancelled due to lockdown. I got him another gift as I was refunded the price of the holiday.

Thank you all for your comments and insights. They are really helpful.

@Lookslikerainted We have a joint account for bills etc and then our own accounts for personal spending money. Saving for a holiday means us both putting in extra from our personal accounts - in this case he put in ‘more extra’ than me as it was my birthday. If it were his birthday I’d put in ‘more extra’! We earn the same so it’s fairly split.

I think whenever he feels he hasn’t got it right he goes on the defensive and blames others rather than just figuring out what he could do to make things better.

The range of views is really interesting and certainly if it weren’t for Covid / lockdown this wouldn’t have arisen. I agree that a lockdown birthday requires a bit more effort and thought as you can’t just rely on the usual activities - go out for a meal, have a party, go away. It puts thought to the test. I can understand that.

To all those celebrating a lockdown birthday you have my sympathy and I hope you manage to have a good day in spite of it all.

My DH will undoubtedly get over this once he’s had time to think about it. As will I!

Happy birthday to you @Misty9 🎉💐🥂... it’s difficult having a Covid birthday. I hope you have a lovely weekend away when you can get there. So many people I know are now ill or recovering so it’s difficult to ‘enjoy’ your day when all this is going on and you are genuinely worried for people’s health and the state of the country. It’s a difficult time. In one way a birthday feels insignificant in all this (there is more to worry about than a birthday) but it also becomes all the more important because we are trying to find glimmers of joy and hope where we can.

Thanks again for all your kind thoughts and wishes. There’s so many lovely people on here I’m sure I would be friends with in real life! Keep safe and well.