Lockdown Birthdays...AIBU?

[TeaBeforeTwo]

Namechanged for this post.

I have a significant birthday tomorrow and my DH and I had booked a city break some months ago...all well and good obviously until COVID / lockdown struck and plans went out of the window.

DH had contributed a good amount of money to the trip as my birthday present...probably about 75% of the amount in total. Money being refunded and we will rebook when the country can travel again although this probably won’t be until 2022 given the destination, if then.

My question is would you expect your DH to give you anything else for your birthday or would you accept that the gift is the trip which is going to be significantly postponed now?

Interested to hear people’s views on this...

Happy birthday to you @Misty9 💐🥂🎉🥳 ! Thank you for understanding. No I haven’t felt special for a good few years now. My friends usually fill some of the gap but distance and lockdown has made that difficult. I have to accept that my DH will only ever really think about himself unless other people (outside of the family) tell him he is being selfish. Generally I cope with this very well but this year I needed effort.

So glad your friends made you feel loved. It’s so important 💐

Thank you @TeaBeforeTwo
It was the inability to see me which ultimately killed my marriage. But I've also learnt to make myself feel special - just little things like a walk in my favourite place, acknowledging a hot chocolate and magazine as self care, that kind of thing. And it helps although sadly not before I split up

Honestly, this wouldn’t bother me BUT DH does make an effort in other ways. Sounds like the wider context is important here- you wanted him to make an effort to demonstrate that he cares, and he hasn’t.

So he IS a really selfish man and he lashed out at you on your birthday because others value you and him being shown up has embarrassed him.

It really is ALL about him.

You write about him not meeting your emotional needs.

I repeat you need to pull back from doing the things you do for someone who cares about.
Buying for him.
Cooking things he likes.
Putting yourself out.

He sounds like a very selfish man.
Continue cementing support outside your marriage.
Far more reliable.

@Misty9 That’s good advice and something I do. He does tend to resent it though and says that I always meet my own needs and never his. I can’t win.

@billy1966 But that’s it. When we argue he accuses me of never doing anything for him. I guess that’s his way of justifying not doing anything for me. We both work hard in our jobs and I carry the mental load of day to day things. He says those things don’t matter and aren’t important... I can’t win. The things I do aren’t important in his eyes.

I think what hurts is that when the city break (Prague) was cancelled he said he had thought this might happen and had a plan to treat me to something else. I did say I didn’t want him to do anything expensive as I recognised the trip had cost us a lot of money but I don’t know how it went from that to nothing at all. Not even a card. Then telling me the night before that he hadn’t got me anything. Apparently he never knows what to get. After 25 years I would hope he might have some idea. He sees how delighted I am when friends sent me a bottle of wine but it’s like he feels under pressure to somehow better their offerings and then does nothing at all. I took myself out for a long walk this morning and a takeaway coffee which was lovely. A bit sad but as you quite rightly say you have to do things for yourself. He was unhappy when I returned as he said if I had waited a few hours he would have come too. I can’t win!

Woah, he didn't even get you a card?! He gets worse and worse.

So when your friends left presents yesterday and his family asked what he had arranged and he admitted he felt bad, did this lead onto anything at all useful in his understanding of his appalling behaviour?!

Did he then say oh bugger I am so sorry, what would you like to do today my darling?

He does sound very hard work!

I hope his family made him feel shit.

He sounds selfish
Is there anything actually good about him?

When he accuses you of never doing anything for him, what would he like you to do for him that you don't? I'd be interested to hear his answer to that question.

Also, if he doesn't value your management of the day to day mental load, stop doing it. Or certainly the parts that relate to his stuff and making his life run smoothly. Let's see how unimportant they are then.

@Coffeeand

Don’t get this birthday drama thing- see you’re disappointed as you were expecting a trip to NY or whatever but honestly. Unless you’re 8 or something stamping your feet about your birthday seems a little pathetic. Act like a grown up, and if you’ve got issues with your partner and expectations for your birthday then work out why that is rather than moan about it.

Funny you say that, I bought musical tickets for my 8yo last year, it was postponed to this year due to covid so I got her a couple of token gifts as theatre will still go ahead but a lot later than planned...

She's 8 and still understood that she wouldn't be getting the gift she really wanted on her birthday after all.

Sorry OP but it's not your DP fault that covid happened. A card and meal cooked for me would have been an adequate present, if you didn't even get a card then I do understand your upset but can't get on board with you wanting additional gifts. Happy birthday for yesterday

Oh and just to add my DP is TERRIBLE with gift choosing, I have to send links for everything I want and there are rarely any surprises, it's frustrating and upsetting but with partners like that you have to really clearly set your expectation and say "I still expect a card and some chocs/gin" so they know what they have to do. You do have my sympathy there.

Ahh, Happy Birthday OP!!!

My significant birthday is Tuesday.
My significant other lives 300m away and is rubbish at B'days usually.
Before Christmas he asked if I might like a new radio? (I would).
A thoughtful gift as he often talks about radio programmes I might enjoy and I don't have spare cash for a new radio right now.
Then he said he might make me a handmade card (as that is the kind I have mentioned in the past that I like from my children). Today I opened the card he sent (early, I know but I feel low and hoped for some cheering up).
It is a children's card. In it he says 'there is a book I'm reading you might like but it will be a few days late as Amazon etc'.
Ah well...

I hope you get breakfast in bed / a nice meal / a footrub / some fuss x

sorry, I read the beginning and didn't read to the end of the thread, sorry

it does sound as though there is more than 'just being a bit rubbish about birthdays' going on if he is upset if others treat you nicely.

You do deserve more than this. x

So everything is your fault OP.

He sounds selfish, lazy, and tiresome.

Stop doing the mental load.

He doesn't value it, so hand a good 50% over to him.

Hard to imagine this is a happy marriage with such disregard for you.

A card, a little gift, a meal with lovely wines would be what most would find very more than acceptable.

To not even bother with a card is appalling but telling.

Don't protect him.

Tell the truth to those that ask.
You received nothing, not even a card.

Do you share children?

If not, the mental load would be catapulted at him pronto.

Protect yourself OP.

He's not someone to depend on.

I would expect something else considering he is having a refund . Even if it's just a box of chocolates or flowers I would be really happy

Happy belated birthday by the way 💐

You'd expect at least a card!
Sounds like he was lazy and couldn't be bothered and attacked you as a defensive move.
I hope his family were suitably critical of him, he bloody well deserves it!

If I was the partner in this situation I'd use the money to buy a new gift and then book another trip for a different birthday once all this is over.

I wouldn’t expect a gift, however I would expect a fuss, flowers, card, lovely dinner etc

@biggreengrinch No sadly there was no card. And although he said he would cook us both something to eat he fell asleep so there was no meal either! He was in a foul mood by then to be honest because he felt he had disappointed me and felt bad about it. Not bad so he did something positive. Just bad within himself. Didn’t lead to any action.

I do find it frustrating that I would have to explicitly say what I want as a gift, send links etc. I deal with that most of the time but it would be good if he could have put thought into it on this one occasion.

@Chamomileteaplease He just says he doesn’t know what to do to please me. “Other people seem to instinctively know, he doesn’t”. He then blames incompatibility as the cause of this because if we were compatible he would know what to do. That’s rubbish. Thought is the key here...and communication.

@Shoxfordian Yes, self-centred. Feeling bad but not doing anything about it. Just feeling bad. That’s self centred.

@Butterymuffin. I’m definitely going to do less but the trouble is it gets to the point where if neither of you make an effort for each other there’s no point continuing. However at least I won’t feel I am giving. It isn’t appreciated anyway...or valued. He genuinely thinks I do nothing for him. I did ask him once what it is I don’t do and he said I don’t join him in watching his favourite TV series..that’s proof of incompatibility apparently!

@52andblue I’m sorry the card didn’t cheer you up. That’s what I struggle with...suggesting one thing you would like (a radio) so you think that is what you will get and feel quite excited by it then actually receiving something completely different or nothing at all. And without any acknowledgement of that. Happy birthday for Tuesday 💐🎉🥂. I understand you are feeling low...the current situation exacerbates that which is why making an effort for loved ones is so important during this time especially when you are apart. I hope Tuesday is a brighter day for you 🤞

@TeaBeforeTwo lack of card (how sodding easy is that!) and him falling asleep before even attempting to cook you a meal, plus turning your birthday into a shit show by throwing his toys out of the pram... I'm sorry your birthday was ruined, and it's not ott to expect a card and token gift/tea cooked for you.

Don’t really see what the point is in continuing. He sounds like a selfish knob

Wow.

He doesn’t care about you at all - does he?

Love is kindness and respect. He is showing you neither - in fact he is actively contemptuous and disrespectful to you.

I am glad that you have kind, respectful and loving friends who care for you and go out of their way to show it. I suspect that’s because you are a compassionate and generous friend to them in kind.

It is v telling that he cannot give you emotional support.

I have to ask you what is the point of him in your life?

It must be cold and lonely in this relationship.

I am sorry for your double bereavement this year.

Bloody hell!! I'm not the most thoughtful of people when it comes to birthdays (a bit last minute but I show my love and attention all year), but how he behaved was atrocious. The least he could have done is card, flowers, chocolate, fizz and cooked you a.meal or ordered a takeaway!!!

Maybe you should both do this quiz - it is really ete opening www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

I'd just get you a card but the present is the trip that has been postponed which isn't his fault.

To expect a separate 'new present' is a bit bratty, IMO.