Lockdown Birthdays...AIBU?

[TeaBeforeTwo]

Namechanged for this post.

I have a significant birthday tomorrow and my DH and I had booked a city break some months ago...all well and good obviously until COVID / lockdown struck and plans went out of the window.

DH had contributed a good amount of money to the trip as my birthday present...probably about 75% of the amount in total. Money being refunded and we will rebook when the country can travel again although this probably won’t be until 2022 given the destination, if then.

My question is would you expect your DH to give you anything else for your birthday or would you accept that the gift is the trip which is going to be significantly postponed now?

Interested to hear people’s views on this...

I would prefer my dh not going out looking around for a token gift, although he could have ordered something online. The trip being cancelled isn't his fault. What's wrong with a card and a nice meal at home?

[quote TeaBeforeTwo]@FunnysInLaJardin Happy birthday to you too! I hope you find a way of making it special.

We both put money aside each month towards the trip, him putting slightly more in the pot. It is a significant spend for us but yes he could well afford to buy me a present tomorrow despite the fact he seems to think he’s done his bit![/quote]
Happy Birthday Tea. I di hope he has made it special for you in the end.

Although of no comfort to you, I have been thoroughly spoilt! There are flowers, gifts and champagne all over the place!

@FunnysInLaJardin Happy Birthday! So glad you have had a nice day!

Unfortunately, and probably predictably, mine hasn’t gone well. I told him I felt sad that he hadn’t done anything at all. He said I was being ‘demanding’ and he didn’t know what to do given we are in lockdown. Cue an argument about how it’s not as if I made an effort for his last birthday (we had agreed a low maximum budget for gifts last year - not significant birthdays for either of us - so I bought him a lovely bottle of wine I knew he liked from a specialist wine shop). Not the most exciting gift but it was something he liked and which met the budget.

I feel so sad. It seems so difficult for him to do something nice for me. Some years he has made huge efforts and it has been lovely. This year it is like he doesn’t care. We have been together 25 years.

Thank you @Chamomileteaplease ... I appreciate your birthday wishes.

I wouldn't want a gift but to mark the occasion with a nice meal, wine, cake
Champagne etc

@lemonsquashie. I agree. It didn’t have to be lavish at all. One of those M&S Dine in for Two meals would have been fine. Maybe a small box of chocolates. A card.

He says he doesn’t want to go on our city break now either 😢...

[quote TeaBeforeTwo]@lemonsquashie. I agree. It didn’t have to be lavish at all. One of those M&S Dine in for Two meals would have been fine. Maybe a small box of chocolates. A card.

He says he doesn’t want to go on our city break now either 😢...[/quote]
Oh, I am so sorry for you

We have been together for 32 years and every year he makes a special effort. I feel very fortunate.

I'm sorry you had a rubbish birthday, which one was it?

Did anyone else make an effort? I was overwhelmed with the bunches of flowers, champagne and gifts brought to me by my friends.

Urgh, him saying he doesn't want to now go on the planned break is designed to make you feel bad. He's doing the classic thing and turning it around on you.

Also, so for his less significant birthday you 'just' got him wine, well where was your nice bottle of wine today then? He can't even muster that.

Do not feel guilty and do not let him turn it back on you, this is all him. All of it.

Happy birthday OP.

I'm so sorry for your completely reasonable disappointment.

He had loads of time to do something kind but chose not to.

He sounds both lazy and selfish.

Well done for making it clear.

Not nice that he has called you "demanding"...for just hoping he might acknowledge your birthday.

What a nasty prat.

You deserve better.

If you make his life comfortable with little kindness, I definitely think it's time to re think them.

Kindness is not a one way street in a relationship.

Pull back.

They don’t like it when you put the mirror up to their behaviour and they see how crap they have behaved.
No effort for him ever and expect none in return.
Plan your own treats and tell him he doesn’t get to complain.
💐🍰🎁🎉

I’d just forget about the trip and get another present. Trips are ifs, bits and maybes just now, it’s just making yourself a hostage to fortune, too easy too fret over when it might happen etc.

Sorry but you sound entitled and more than a bit of a drama queen - you say you'd be happy with an M&S dine for 2 but then also turned your nose up at him going to Tesco for something

It's disappointing about the holiday but it is what it is. Not his fault plus we are in another strict lockdown/ also not his fault with everywhere being shut.

So sorry OP. It’s a real shame he couldn’t have just got a few bits in. His reaction is childish. If your significant other can’t make a fuss of you on your birthday then what’s the point!

Wow how generous I’m totally jealous, it’s a shame though that you have missed out due to Covid messing with everything. I personally think it’s more than enough but maybe it’s my expectations? I’m used to getting either a nice bunch of Sainsbury’s flowers or supermarket pjs . One year I think it was for my 30th I’d booked in to have a course of face peel and Botox and we had the money put away, my daughter also needed clothes which we had also put a decent amount away from and I stupidly trusted my husband to be sensible and actually get her clothes, he came back after taking £250 and I shit you not came back with a frilly party dress and a sparkly rain Mac from a posh clothes shop! I was like where’s the actual clothes? She can’t ward a dress daily? No pants, t-shirts etc so I had to cancel my one off birthday treat and use that money to buy dd some clothes because my husband was daft. Oh and dd was only 9 at the time

Happy birthday 💐 I'm sorry you didn't get anything

Don’t get this birthday drama thing- see you’re disappointed as you were expecting a trip to NY or whatever but honestly. Unless you’re 8 or something stamping your feet about your birthday seems a little pathetic.
Act like a grown up, and if you’ve got issues with your partner and expectations for your birthday then work out why that is rather than moan about it.

@teabeforetwo happy birthday for yesterday! It was a significant birthday for me too and thankfully we didn't have anything BIG planned.
Dh is buying me something big when things open up again but has bought me something related to the gift iyswim.

Whether your DH bought another present depends on when he knew the main gift was being cancelled. If yesterday, no. If months then yes, I'd expect something thoughtful. Pricey doesn't mean good.

We were meant to be skiing for my milestone birthday this month which got cancelled. Instead we had discussed a drinking zoom chat with my friends. My husband has actually hired a hot tub, snow machine, said he's doing some apres ski style dinner and bought me balloons etc so I'm actually quite looking forward to it. However, I did set the expectation that I still wanted to celebrate and wanted a gift.

Thank you everyone for your comments...those who think he could have made more of an effort and those who think I am expecting way too much. It’s good to get the different views on the matter.

Thank you to those who been kind too.

@billy1966 Thank you. Your words mean a lot. 💐

@ZazieSheHer I agree. Planning is a waste of energy and emotion at the moment! Thank you.💐

Not a partner but I bought a friend theatre tickets for her birthday last year and it was postponed. I didn't get her another present.

Yes I'd expect something to open

Some people really arent good at presents, and sometimes thats because they are quite selfish and not used to doing emotional labour.

Honestly I would have expected a token gift and a nice meal at home.

Is he reacting badly because he thinks your approach is wrong or because he has realised he has been a dick and is lashing out because he feels embarrassed and ashamed?

How is the relationship otherwise?

It was my birthday too OP, hope you had a nice day still. It's a crappy time of year to have a birthday and I very rarely even tell anyone outside of family it's my birthday.

I met a nurse a few weeks ago with the same birthday as me, she's convinced me to go for the half birthday instead. When the weathers nice, people aren't on stupid diets or refusing a drink and no risk of being regifted a crappy present from Christmas that will otherwise go to charity.

Let's a raise a glass in June!

It sounds like this might be part of a wider issue (forgive me if I'm wrong).
Would it be helpful to start a separate post in Relationships ?
You deserve to feel loved and appreciated at the very least within your relationship, it doesn't sound like this is the case from the resignation in your tone and the threat of him not coming on your city break ?

Happy belated birthday fellow January birthday sufferer. Mine is imminently and it's a milestone one. I totally get wanting to feel special on the one day of the year that can legitimately be all about you. My exh was rubbish at that kind of thing but I also recognise I have possibly high expectations of my birthday which might be hard for anyone to meet

Does he make you feel special in any other ways? Do you feel special yourself? Or do you have friends who can meet that need? My amazing friends organised a lovely birthday zoom last night and I felt very loved. Birthdays can be a weird time and

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Is he reacting badly because he thinks your approach is wrong or because he has realised he has been a dick and is lashing out because he feels embarrassed and ashamed?

I think you are right about the emotional labour. I tend to think how people might be feeling and respond accordingly. For example a good friend of mine had a birthday last week. We would usually exchange gifts whenever we see each other next which would be a different date to our actual birthdays but this year I made sure a gift was left outside her door on the morning of her birthday so she didn’t feel forgotten during lockdown.

I think you are also right about him lashing out because he feels he got it wrong. I tried not to make a huge issue of it but it was rather highlighted when members of a group I belong to left flowers and cake at the door. His family also asked him what he was doing for my birthday. He said that made him feel bad for not having done anything. Had it not been a significant birthday, had it not been lockdown I daresay it wouldn’t have mattered so much...I would have just gone and done my own thing or gone out with a friend for lunch but in the situation we are all in we are probably more reliant on the people we live with.

Happy Birthday to you @whatnow41 . I hope you had a good day. You have summed it up perfectly...January birthdays can feel like an afterthought so I have learned to make my own plans over the years (in recent years I have needed to work and done nothing special apart from maybe a takeaway but this year was a weekend so was an opportunity to do something). It has been a particularly bad couple of years for our family so I guess I really needed to feel valued. You have it spot on about the January birthday thing!

@mulberrybag Sadly I think you are right. I don’t rely on him to meet my emotional needs because he clearly cannot. I am usually resilient and look after myself when it comes to doing what I need. This birthday was different because I really needed him to do something. He knew this was important to me, he knows it’s been a shattering time with two close bereavements on my side of the family. The trip would have made the difference so it isn’t his fault that it was cancelled however there are other ways to make sure someone has a nice day which he simply couldn’t do. It was important to me but he lacks the emotional intelligence to respond to that.