Lockdown Birthdays...AIBU?

[TeaBeforeTwo]

Namechanged for this post.

I have a significant birthday tomorrow and my DH and I had booked a city break some months ago...all well and good obviously until COVID / lockdown struck and plans went out of the window.

DH had contributed a good amount of money to the trip as my birthday present...probably about 75% of the amount in total. Money being refunded and we will rebook when the country can travel again although this probably won’t be until 2022 given the destination, if then.

My question is would you expect your DH to give you anything else for your birthday or would you accept that the gift is the trip which is going to be significantly postponed now?

Interested to hear people’s views on this...

I was meant to be taking my dh to Madrid in May last year for his birthday, obviously cancelled, had ba voucher plus hotel vouchers. Still made him dinner, bought him a cake, lots of presents

No effort at all is not ok for me op

@howdoyouknow123 Thank you. I really appreciate that. He knows I am disappointed. More disappointed than it is rational to be, to be honest. We haven’t had a holiday together in years so this felt important. For many reasons. We have had a difficult year with two close bereavements, job changes and other stressful events.

@Redflaggs Exactly!

@DenisetheMenace 🙂 I think I might stop counting too. I think the fact that COVID seems to be dragging on forever doesn’t help. I’d like to think the holiday will happen...

[quote TeaBeforeTwo]@howdoyouknow123 Thank you. I really appreciate that. He knows I am disappointed. More disappointed than it is rational to be, to be honest. We haven’t had a holiday together in years so this felt important. For many reasons. We have had a difficult year with two close bereavements, job changes and other stressful events.

@Redflaggs Exactly![/quote]
@TeaBeforeTwo well give him the chance to mark it some way tomorrow and failing that. Book in time for something you love, be it reading a book, listening to a podcast, your favourite walk. Lockdown has rained on everyone's parade and it's ok to be disappointed (it's all rational we are in a pandemic so you're allowed to feel it) try to make the most of it. Pamper your self. Have a nice long bath, some wine, and chill. Grieve the birthday you wanted today, and make the most of tomorrow whatever happens

@Shoxfordian Just as well you did isn’t it? Had you not marked your DH’s birthday and just said...’we will go when all this is over’ it would have been a long wait wouldn’t it? I hope he appreciated your efforts!

@howdoyouknow123 Wise words. Thank you.

He has just said ‘What do you want to do tomorrow?’ so I think he will be happy to go along with whatever I want to do (choices limited of course!) but it’s just me having to do the thinking again. I think he saw my face though.

I really try hard to do something nice for others on their birthdays especially during lockdowns when their usual plans have gone awry.

OP, I too have a significant birthday tomorrow, 50th to be precise!

To be honest this stuff has been going on for long enough for you both to realise that a proper trip this birthday would be unlikely.

However if he has the cash to pay upfront for an expensive trip, I would totally expect he would be able to pay for a decent gift for my birthday

Bless all of you for your birthday wishes. I really appreciate it.

@Redflaggs Fellow Capricorn indeed, bearing the brunt of a birthday at this time of year! A happy birthday to you too!

@classiestgal I’ve bought myself chocolates just in case none are forthcoming. Have also bought myself a present too for the same reason!

@FunnysInLaJardin Happy birthday to you too! I hope you find a way of making it special.

We both put money aside each month towards the trip, him putting slightly more in the pot. It is a significant spend for us but yes he could well afford to buy me a present tomorrow despite the fact he seems to think he’s done his bit!

Goodness, it’s easy enough to buy chocolate, a bottle of cava and a takeaway, isn’t it? No thought of effort really required yet find me someone who wouldn’t be happy with that as a baseline in lockdown. Throw in a book you haven’t read or a big bunch of flowers and it’d be amazing! So it’s really fucking lazy not to have done that basic amount.

Happy Birthday!
I'd expect a fuss to be made. Lockdown birthdays are rubbish and especially so when a looked forward to trip is cancelled.

@Michaelbaubles I think what has surprised me is the fact he said he had thought about what he would do if the trip didn’t come off but then hasn’t actually done anything.

I guess we will have to wait and see what he does tomorrow if anything. A quick trip to Tesco Express I would imagine. I feel like telling him not to bother but I know that would seem ungrateful 😢.

@Rainb0wDrops Thank you! Lockdown birthdays really are rubbish. I think I could have coped better with a summer birthday but this just feels really bleak.

@TeaBeforeTwo thank you and yes it's not the best time of year, especially as it was my ds 16th today!

Token gift that showed some thought (for me that would be flowers) and a big fuss made of me. My favourite dinner and me to choose what I did all day

Happy birthday for yesterday! I would absolutely have expected something - not big expense, flowers and a takeaway, a nice book etc. Amazon is right there!

Happy birthday 🥳
All I can say are men are rubbish at this kind of thing. Ok... before I get flamed, the majority are! They need it spelled out. Seriously...they don't see things as big a deal as it is for us and aren't as emotionally invested. I organise all birthdays, Christmas, surprises and presents for all I my household. For my birthday I'll get yearly flowers and a night off cooking. Yes it pisses me off sometimes that no one thinks of doing something special for me, I just slightly mutter and daydream George Clooney arriving to whisk me away for a surprise romantic getaway. 😁 Sigh...one day I'll be appreciated.

Happy Birthday! Hope you have a good day anyway and he has managed to think of something

@Butterfly44, I agree that thoughtless men are rubbish, maybe find a non thoughtless one

If I was your DH I would buy you a special gift to compensate having a lockdown birthday

Happy Birthday 🎂🍸

I would definitely expect a gift and a fuss

Happy birthday ❤️
To be fair if he does nothing today just tell him it’s piss poor and thoughtless. Like another poster said you could see this coming middle of December so he had plenty time to sort something else. I would not be putting on a brave face to protect his ego, that’s for sure. It sounds like you have had a tough year you deserve to feel special. Keep squirrelling money away and treat yourself to something you have always wanted to do. I wouldn’t bother making the effort for his birthday going forward.

@Butterfly44
I agree with you about emotional investment in birthdays. My DH isn’t emotionally invested in his birthday. He says he wouldn’t be bothered if I didn’t make an effort for his birthday. I disagree. It’s easy to say that when you know people will make an effort. I genuinely feel like taking myself off for my own romantic getaway. One year I made plans (spa day) that didn’t involve him and he was really offended but unless he comes up with something I will make my own plans in the future to be honest.

He has the perfect excuse this year to do nothing!

pilates That’s exactly what I would do. I think he is being careful with money but for a milestone birthday after a really awful year I would definitely be making a big effort.

Thank you @Bianca87

Yes we knew the holiday wouldn’t be going ahead for some time so there’s no excuse.I think he feels that the trip will go ahead at another time so that’s the gift...I just have to wait (probably years!) for it. I can see his point but it doesn’t stop me from being disappointed that I’m doing nothing at all. And I’m not expecting anything from friends either who will wait until they see me again, post-lockdown.

Happy Birthday @TeaBeforeTwo!

I always feel sad reading about people like you who's partners are crap on their birthdays.

I really hope your husband has decided either on his own or talking with you about some nice things you can do today.

I also hope he has got you a nice present and card. But I am not optimistic .