Is he being an arse or am I being over sensitive?

[IdrisElbasNextWife]

DH rarely shows me affection. He always not picks at me, “why have you put that there” etc. He acts like he doesn’t care about me, for example I have been unwell with a horrible head cold for the past 2 days, I have been working from home, he came home from work at lunch time and asked me if I wanted to paint the bathroom, I said now I am working, he got on with other diy jobs that need doing and fixed his friends car. Then this evening he said he had to paint the bathroom this evening, but he said it in such a way that I know he was telling me I had to help. So I went upstairs sneezing every 5 seconds and helped him paint. We took a 10 min break inbetween coats, he could see I am not well, I was hoping he would say he would do the 2nd coat on his own but he didn’t, he stood up and said let’s get this done then.
This isn’t the first time, he always tells me to help him with stuff, he had me outside digging footings with a prolapse and another bad cold a couple of years ago. If I refuse he gets really nasty, calls me names and sulks and just creates a horrible atmosphere for me and DC, it’s not worth it.

He does work hard and the bathroom did need painting but it could have waited a day. I am having surgery on Monday as I have had an undiscovered infection in my womb since October when I had a miscarriage and it didn’t all come away. If I still have this cold I won’t be able to have the surgery so I really need to rest.
Is it me being too sensitive?

Er, no, the problem is definitely not you....

And very sorry to hear about your miscarriage and pending surgery. You deserve TLC and a LOT better then this....

He's an arse with a capital C Cunt

I agree that you deserve so much better. I really hope your surgery goes well and you have a good recovery.

You shouldn’t be bullied by him. You don’t have to do everything he expects exactly when he wants. You’re not a labourer! And if he really reacts like that then you shouldn’t be with him. It’s a dreadful way to live, and a horrible example for a child too.

And you choose to stay with this charmer because....?
Any redeeming features at all, or have you booked the appointment with your divorce lawyer?!

You were digging footings with a prolapse? Bloody hell Op, from what you've said re these 3 examples, it's almost as if he's punishing you for being ill.

I'm so sorry re your loss and I hope you get your surgery.

No, you're not being too sensitive at all - and he isn't sensitive enough, he's a mean arse.

An abusive mean arse that makes you paint whilst unwell

YANBU however you need to start saying no

I just want to feel loved and cared for. My Children make me feel that way but he just makes me feel like an inconvenience.

Has he always been this way ?
He seems very distant.

I used to say no but it always ended in him shouting at me, things like “oh yeah, don’t worry op, I will just do it all” then if I still refused he would call me a lazy bitch and think nothing of doing all this with the DC around to see or hear it. If I then still refused he would not speak to me for a few days, stop doing anything himself, make life difficult for me by telling the DC they can do things I have said they cannot “don’t listen to mummy, you can do whatever you want, she does” then do this horrible sarcastic laugh. Believe me, it’s easier to just get on with it, at least then he is pleasant after

Sounds like a complete arse. What happens when you tell him to put don't feel good and want to switch off for a bit? You have been through the wringer and deserve better.

@FippertyGibbett he has always been this way. I can’t explain why I married him. He is distant too, except for when I start being distant, he will be all playful and want a cuddle.

Do you actually want to spend the rest of your life with this man ?

Right, OP. There's no such thing as over sensitive. Everybody has different sensitivities about different things. Some people are more sensitive than others. The thing is, if you spend lots of time with somebody with the sensitivity of a plank, you start feeling like you're too sensitive yourself.

You need to be with somebody as sensitive as you (how nice would that be? How gentle, caring and respectful?), and he needs to be with a plank.

I meant to include that if you think you might be 'over' sensitive, who do you think sets the rules about how sensitive you should be?

Sorry I can’t reply to all the individual messages.
Yes it does feel like he is punishing me for being ill. He can’t cope with it, he calls me sick note in a jokey way.

I think he feels under pressure to get things done around the house. He puts the unrealistic timescales on himself then makes me help him meet them. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to help where I can but I’m not supposed to lift heavy things, he always makes me help him lift things though. He is very inconsiderate

Why are you with him OP?

I'd be damned if I'd stay with someone who insisted I painted a bloody bathroom whilst ill, or called me a lazy bitch.

@Eckhart that made me laugh. Thank you

I’m with him because we have a life together. We have DC and a house with a big mortgage and lots of work that needs doing, I can’t manage that on my own.

I know I shouldn’t be with him but I can’t see a way out any time soon

At least hold onto the fact that you're not being oversensitive. Hold onto your feelings. If he doesn't respect your feelings instinctively, or even when he's told, then start saying no.

he always makes me help him lift things though

What would happen? If he tried to 'make' you, and you said a simple, quiet 'No.' and stood your ground? How would he respond?

You are not being over sensitive you are over arsehole! You are in an abusive relationship op. As a pp said do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?
I’d highly recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book why does he do that.

Please try to start planning an escape but if you can't leave yet you absolutely need to start putting your foot down as one day you could put your back out while lifting a boulder and he'll be even more furious.