Is he being an arse or am I being over sensitive?

[IdrisElbasNextWife]

DH rarely shows me affection. He always not picks at me, “why have you put that there” etc. He acts like he doesn’t care about me, for example I have been unwell with a horrible head cold for the past 2 days, I have been working from home, he came home from work at lunch time and asked me if I wanted to paint the bathroom, I said now I am working, he got on with other diy jobs that need doing and fixed his friends car. Then this evening he said he had to paint the bathroom this evening, but he said it in such a way that I know he was telling me I had to help. So I went upstairs sneezing every 5 seconds and helped him paint. We took a 10 min break inbetween coats, he could see I am not well, I was hoping he would say he would do the 2nd coat on his own but he didn’t, he stood up and said let’s get this done then.
This isn’t the first time, he always tells me to help him with stuff, he had me outside digging footings with a prolapse and another bad cold a couple of years ago. If I refuse he gets really nasty, calls me names and sulks and just creates a horrible atmosphere for me and DC, it’s not worth it.

He does work hard and the bathroom did need painting but it could have waited a day. I am having surgery on Monday as I have had an undiscovered infection in my womb since October when I had a miscarriage and it didn’t all come away. If I still have this cold I won’t be able to have the surgery so I really need to rest.
Is it me being too sensitive?

So you know he is a loser. Get well, get your strength back and get out of that awful situation. Asap.

@IdrisElbasNextWife

I don’t have the energy to deal with the fall out of I stand up to him. He will create an awful atmosphere and I can’t do that to the kids.

I want to tell him to fuck off but it’s not that simple.

Then you need to assert yourself in a different way. Remove yourself from the situation. Can you go and stay with anybody? He is using your love for your kids as a weapon so that he has the power to abuse you. But actually what's happening is that the two of you are setting an example for the kids that they will follow as adults. You are training your girls that it's fine to be an abuse victim. You are training your sons that it is ok to manipulate and abuse a woman.

Yes, it will be hard to change this, but do you want them to go into relationships just like yours, or do you want them to grow up with healthy, self respecting boundaries, because 'Dad used to do that to Mum, but Mum told him to stick it.'

This guy made you dig footings with a prolapse. That is the kind of behaviour you would expect from a Nazi concentration camp guard not a caring husband. He's a horrible cruel man. You know that but you are pretending to see redeeming features which are not there. You must acknowledge the reality.

@Anothernick

This guy made you dig footings with a prolapse. That is the kind of behaviour you would expect from a Nazi concentration camp guard not a caring husband. He's a horrible cruel man. You know that but you are pretending to see redeeming features which are not there. You must acknowledge the reality.

Absolutely spot on

That story made my blood run cold
He is a bastard

"I don’t have the energy to deal with the fall out of I stand up to him. He will create an awful atmosphere and I can’t do that to the kids".

Standing up to him will be merely seen by him as a further challenge to bring you down to his base level. Your above comment is precisely what he is counting on; you being stymied because of the children. These children are being directly harmed by him because they are seeing his abuses of you as their mother.

Do you not think the children are already picking up on a crap atmosphere at home?. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are indeed picking up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between you two. You cannot protect them from the impact of his abuses of you. The only way out of this is to get him out of your day to day life by starting divorce proceedings.

Ask yourself what you get out of this relationship now as well.

I think he resents me being ill. He came downstairs and asked me to clean up the mess he had made from tiling. I just didn’t answer him trying to think of a way to say no without causing an argument, my DD1 said she would clear up instead of me. Even my DC can see I’m unwell, he just really doesn’t give a crap about me.

Yes I can see they pick up on the atmosphere, yes I do want to end it but it’s all so messy.

I think I need to emotionally detach first.

@AttilaTheMeerkat what I get out of the relationship is financial security, a secure house and a father around for the DC.

At what cost though OP?

[quote IdrisElbasNextWife]@AttilaTheMeerkat what I get out of the relationship is financial security, a secure house and a father around for the DC.[/quote]
What about love respect and happiness?

I don’t get any love, respect or happiness

Are you not able to achieve financial security on your own, even if it is with a smaller house or flat? And if you separated would you kids not still have a father? If he would stop seeing them then he is a shit dad anyway and they deserve better.

He wouldn’t stop seeing them. Yes I could possibly buy a flat but that would mean DC sharing rooms and me sleeping in the lounge. And that only if we could sell this house in the current state (it’s a project).
He is being all nice and jovial now. It’s like he’s 2 different people but can turn on a penny.

My exH could be a bit like this - he wouldn’t call names or be nasty as such but there would always be a job for me if he was doing something. If he made dinner I’d count down until he called me in to make gravy or even just to get the plates out - ALWAYS something. Since we spilt I’ve realised he really values people doing things for him. It makes him feel loved I think. But it made me feel used and I did really resent it. I used to get so jealous when I was pregnant reading about women whose husbands waited on them hand and foot and wouldn’t let them do a thing. I had to make flat pack wardrobes myself at 6 months pregnant or they wouldn’t have got done.

Funnily enough my DP now hardly lets me carry a shopping bag - if there’s something to be done sometimes I have to insist that I help.

@IdrisElbasNextWife

I don’t get any love, respect or happiness

Well then neither are your children Sorry to sound brutal but having been there it’s the truth

You so need to end the relationship before he shrinks you down so much and does a job on your children that you end up being painted as the incapable and ill one when it’s actually him

@Michaelbaubles he sounds very similar, there is always a job for me. He can’t do anything without asking me to do it with him. It’s weird!

You do not get any respect love or happiness from him and nor for that matter are your children . They may become further encouraged by him to start disrespecting you as well.

I would argue whether you even have financial security and or a secure house at all given that he has you working as a labourer.

Some father he is to his children. He is no decent example of a father to them because they are seeing you being abused.

What do you think they are learning about relationships here?.

He’s clearly a horrible bully who has no respect for you and is creating an unpleasant atmosphere for the whole family.

I suggest you arrange to do two things.

1. see (online!) a relationship counsellor, by yourself. Not with him. Relate is the best known but loads of therapists deal with relationship issues. Look for a therapist on one of the various professional websites (can’t remember what they’re called right now- maybe one is BACP?)

2. see (again online) a solicitor. You need to know what you will be entitled to if you leave this jailer (because this is what he is).

Finally, you mentioned a miscarriage. I’m very sorry for what you have been through. But how did the pregnancy come about? Was it planned? Or his idea? I ask because I would be very worried about bringing another child into this relationship.

@IdrisElbasNextWife how are things?

Things as much the same, I had the surgery yesterday, he dropped me off at the hospital made a thing about cuddling (putting his arm around me) me when I got out the car. But then I called him to collect me he asked me to walk out to the car park abs meet him, I had to get a bit cross with him on the phone and say I wasn’t allowed to, I had a general anaesthetic and wasn’t to be left alone, he got a bit huffy and I had to tell him where to park. Just before he came to get me another woman’s partner came to collect her, he gave her a big hug and carried her bag and walked carefully out with her. DH came in, spoke to the nurse on reception, I walked over to him, the nurse (who heard me in the phone) told him that I was to do nothing but put my feet up and rest and I followed him out the door, he was marching on ahead worrying about the car park charge, he only offered to carry my bag once we were outside the hospital and almost at the car as I was struggling with it. I got in the car and just cried, but when he asked why I was crying I couldn’t even begin to think what to tell him. Again, no hug or understanding.

I know this sounds really petty but I just wanted a cuddle and to feel looked after for a change. When I finally got home the window men were here so I went upstairs to our room and got into bed, he was chatty and joking with them for about 40 mins, didn’t even offer to get me a drink. I don’t think he was doing it on purpose, he just doesn’t think, later he asked if he could get me anything, I said I was tired and shouldn’t have to be dealing with DC fighting, he got all defensive and started to have a moan at me for taking to him rudely so I backed down as didn’t have the energy to argue. He then made me a cup of tea.

Sorry for the diary entry!

@TheGreatSloth pregnancy wasn’t planned. I am not planning any more children. He was pushing me into an abortion but then I miscarried anyway.

@IdrisElbasNextWife I’m glad the surgery went ahead as I know you were concerned about it possibly not happening.
Yes watching other people can be eye opening, the very thing we crave seems so far out of reach. A recent surgery I had was also very eye opening for me. My DH also suffers from a similar case of a lack of thinking and it’s soul destroying.

@DigitalChristmas it’s just awful isn’t it? When you feel like crap, you are vulnerable and something so simple could make you feel safe and they can’t do it. He didn’t even take the morning off to stay with me for the 24 hours following anaesthetic, went to work at 6.30am leaving me to homeschool DC!

He doesn’t even seem to like you
I would honestly be nicer to my neighbour than he is to you and I don’t even know her very well
Once you’re well you need to leave, can you speak to family or friends for support?

He doesn’t like me. I think he resents me. He is only with me as he doesn’t want to be a part time dad. Actually he would probably love to have that freedom but he wouldn’t want to look bad to his friends.

[quote IdrisElbasNextWife]@DigitalChristmas it’s just awful isn’t it? When you feel like crap, you are vulnerable and something so simple could make you feel safe and they can’t do it. He didn’t even take the morning off to stay with me for the 24 hours following anaesthetic, went to work at 6.30am leaving me to homeschool DC! [/quote]
@IdrisElbasNextWife I have no words and no doubt if you spoke to him about it, it would more than likely be “your fault” as you didn’t ask him to stay at home to help you.
You probably feel like you’ve had the stuffing knocked out of you physically from the surgery and then emotionally from his complete and utter lack of support
I think the most recent poster has hit the nail on the head when they say they would show more compassion to an acquaintance than your partner shows towards you.