Is he being an arse or am I being over sensitive?

[IdrisElbasNextWife]

DH rarely shows me affection. He always not picks at me, “why have you put that there” etc. He acts like he doesn’t care about me, for example I have been unwell with a horrible head cold for the past 2 days, I have been working from home, he came home from work at lunch time and asked me if I wanted to paint the bathroom, I said now I am working, he got on with other diy jobs that need doing and fixed his friends car. Then this evening he said he had to paint the bathroom this evening, but he said it in such a way that I know he was telling me I had to help. So I went upstairs sneezing every 5 seconds and helped him paint. We took a 10 min break inbetween coats, he could see I am not well, I was hoping he would say he would do the 2nd coat on his own but he didn’t, he stood up and said let’s get this done then.
This isn’t the first time, he always tells me to help him with stuff, he had me outside digging footings with a prolapse and another bad cold a couple of years ago. If I refuse he gets really nasty, calls me names and sulks and just creates a horrible atmosphere for me and DC, it’s not worth it.

He does work hard and the bathroom did need painting but it could have waited a day. I am having surgery on Monday as I have had an undiscovered infection in my womb since October when I had a miscarriage and it didn’t all come away. If I still have this cold I won’t be able to have the surgery so I really need to rest.
Is it me being too sensitive?

It’s a different house, we went to counselling last time and things were much better, we finished doing up the old house and sold it and bought this house. It was my idea to move, I wanted to give the DC their own space, DH wanted to move too but I was the one who suggested it. I was trying to find somewhere that didn’t need work but then this house came up and for me it’s great as all DC get their own rooms, DH wanted it to do up and make a good profit. His plan is to sell it in 3 years and down size so DC are sharing rooms again to pay £100000 off the mortgage. I don’t think that’s fair on DC to give them their own space then take it away again when we could stay here until they grow up.

Things have slowly started getting bad again, although they are no where near as bad as they used to be. I think counselling again would be good, I will suggest it to DH.

Couples counselling is contraindicated when there is abuse in a relationship. I didn’t know that until I read it on a previous thread.

Why not solo counselling to help you focus your thoughts?

Does he 'soldier' on when he has man flu or whatever and you have asked him to do something? No thought not! You are not well and he is not helping the situation.!

You need to be better at telling him no and sticking to it. Can you afford to pay some trades to come and do part of the work to speed it up? (Off topic, why would he paint before tiling?!)

It’s almost like you’re not allowed to be vulnerable, bless you! When you most certainly are entitled to be. I’d be interested to know how he wants to be treated when poorly?

Take a look round the relationship boards OP, there are scores of women who were raised by parents in a shit relationship. Or with one abusive parent.

Pretty much every single one of them wishes that they could just have got out. That the nice house, room to themselves, hobbies and the like were meaningless because they were being brought up in a shite situation.

Many of these as adults are no contact with BOTH parents as a result. They’ve cut out the abusive parent, but equally cannot forgive the other parent for not getting them out of there.

I found my 14 year old DD in tears this morning. She doesn’t know what to do anymore. She said she hates it when DH is home, she is always worried he is going to tell her off for something, as soon as she knows he is on his was she has a horrible feeling come over her. I understand what she means, he is always looking for something to have a moan about. She spoke about how she felt when we moved out, she said she felt relaxed and happy and now she doesn’t. DD has anorexia, she doesn’t have much contact with her DF because she doesn’t feel comfortable with him and his DW, she said she has no friends at school because she hides away in student support because of her anorexia. I explained the reasons why we can’t just up and leave, but said she is my priority so I need to do something about it.
I can’t leave, I can’t afford rent and half the mortgage and things are not that bad for me to loose all the equity in the house. I need to find a way to talk to DH about how DD is feeling and explain that we will have to sell the house and go our separate ways if something doesn’t change. The trouble is this conversation is not going to go well. I just don’t know what to do. I need to change things for DD.

Your poor, poor daugther. I'm seriously gob smacked though, that your daugther has come to you and told you her feelings and yet you continue to make excuses not to do anything about the situation. You are clearly past the point of talking to your OH, it has made no difference. It didn't back in the day nor has it ever worked for yo since. You need to leave, you need to call Woman's aid. YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING MORE THAN JUST TALK TO YOUR OH!! Don't fail your children, you OH is doing a grand job of that himself. If your daughter thinks you can't help then I only hope she will have the strength to speak up to someone else outside of the home and that they take it upon themselves to call social services. I'm sorry but reading your last post is upsetting, your poor children being made to live in this situation.

I can’t leave, I can’t afford rent and half the mortgage and things are not that bad for me to loose all the equity in the house. I need to find a way to talk to DH about how DD is feeling and explain that we will have to sell the house and go our separate ways if something doesn’t change. The trouble is this conversation is not going to go well. I just don’t know what to do. I need to change things for DD

You can’t change him. If you want to stop your kids being abused you need to leave.

You don’t have to pay rent and half the mortgage . You can sell the house and get your equity out. That’s what divorce lawyers are for.

I meant talk to him to tell him I want to sell the house, not to try to change him.

Time for talk is OVER its now time for ACTION!! Speak to Woman's Aid, speak to citizens advice, speak to a solicitor, some offer a free half hour consultation or another alternative is some universities offer a free law clinic, I know here in Wales Swansea has one. They currently offer a 30 min free remote legal clinic via zoom. Am sure other unis offer similar, perhaps someone on mumsnet has more knowledge with regards to them? Anyway, clear away the cobwebs, get yourself together, pull your mummy knickers up and get cracking. Show your daughter and your other children how strong their Mummy really is, you have done it before, do it again but this time around don't make the mistake of going back!! Currently you are setting your children up to make similar mistakes in their future, show them a better way!!

Oh dear God OP, I'm welled up to think of that poor child.

I wish social services knew where you lived to take her from that hell hole.

You can't afford to leave?
OP, you can't afford to stay.

Get onto Women's Aid.
Your child is in huge danger of possibly doing something to harm herself.

Her desperation is palpable.

Tell that fxxker to keep the hell away from your child.

He is terrorising a very, very vulnerable child.

Will you please wake up to what is clearly in front of you.

I think you should be contact the police to see if he can be removed.

101 would be a good call to speak to a Domestic Abuse officer.

He should not be in any way your concerned.

Your poor daughter is terrified of this man you chose to bring into your life.

Get him out.

How have you kept having children with him?

Of course her anorexia must be linked to her horrific home life.

Please wake up to what is right in front of you.

That poor girl.

She has NOWHERE that she feels safe.

The final straw for me was my gorgeous son talking about suicide. It sounds like you are on that path. I got an occupation order to get him out, on the basis of the threat he posed to my son's health. I also got an order for sale of the house. We accepted an offer in July and the sale only completed last week, because of Covid. It has been incredibly difficult but it is now done and I am free of him. I got rid of a horrible selfish bully, I thought I never could. So can you

@ IdrisElbasNextWife

I was so shocked and disheartened by your post detailing the effect your 'D'H's abuse is having on her mental and physical health !

There is nothing you could or even should do to 'improve' your H's behaviour !

He is a selfish, arrogant, selfish, self-centred bloody arsehole !!!!!!!!

You, however have a duty to protect your children from the emotional abuse they are suffering EVERY BLOODY DAY !!!!

All your excuses about money and his bloody feelings shouldn't even come into the equation FFS !

Get yourself and your poor children to a place of safety NOW !!

NOT 'maybe in a year or two when we have more equity' or 'if I can't get him to improve'.................ffs you're more interested in your comfort and money than you are about both your dc's and your own mental and physical health !! WHY ????

Will you ever be able to forgive yourself if your poor DD dies because of her mental health/ anorexia ?? Or when all your DC's are grown up and want nothing to do with either of you because of the abuse he gave out, and you tolerated to their detriment ??

You've left once before, and now you need to leave for good this time ! Regardless of the immediate money situation or your H's 'feelings' about it........................do it now, so you can begin living a life free from the fear and abuse.

You can do it ! Be brave. Be strong. Be the mother your children need and deserve, and the woman you know you can be.

I've gone back to read all your posts about him not being affectionate enough towards you and all this time you have a distraught 14 year old being terrorised by this man you brought into her life.

She is undoubtedly suffering hugely with her MH because of this man's abuse of her, and YOU are unhappy because the same man isn't affectionate enough for you.?????🙄😳

Are you on drugs OP?

Because you must be on something to be standing by witnessing your child in such terrible pain and to be concerned about children sharing a bedroom.

Contact SS and ask for them to step in and get help for your daughter.

Clearly she is not your priority and she is in huge danger.

May god forgive you if anything happens to that poor child who is literally crying out for help.

So shocking.

I’m going to tell him tonight

I am so sorry op, i felt tearful reading your post. To me and I'm sure any sane person the situation sounds absolutely awful and your dh is being an uncaring abusive person to you. I think it speaks volumes that you are asking if you're being reasonable when it is so evident you are the victim here. This makes me think your dh has caused you to feel this way and really knocked your confidence. This is no way to be treated by anybody let alone someone who is supposed to love and care for you. Please don't put up with this as it isn't acceptable behaviour from your dh whatsoever! Please don't make excuses for him either by saying things like he works hard and it needed doing. We could have not painted in ten years ans my dh woudl never do that and nor would i! You shousl be resting and looking after youreself especially with your upcoming op! Don't let your dh jeopardise your health i hope you stand up to the bully.

Apologise for the typos; dc jumping on me!

Well done, OP. I can see that previous posters have been hard on you, and maybe they need to be, but I can also see you desperately need help to extract yourself now you have once again recognised how bad this has become. I think you should enlist whoever is most supportive of your friends and relations and get a really practical solution together. Don't worry about sharing rooms and stuff, your daughter has made it crystal clear what's important for her well-being and it's not floor space. Good luck, you CAN do it again.

Thanks, yes posters have been harsh but o understand why. DH has slowly gone back to his old ways, it’s almost so slowly that it just feels normal. I’m dreading telling him tonight, I know he will get defensive and then it will create a horrible atmosphere but I can’t keep putting it off, I know I need to do it.

I wouldn’t be able to get an occupation order as he is not actually “doing” anything. He doesn’t shout at DD, he doesnt really do anything I can put my finger on, it’s little things which on their own sound insignificant but when you put it all together it’s really affecting her.

The situation you are describing on here would at least give you an argument for an occupation order, you need proper legal advice. There are no guarantees and there weren't for me. You are going to have to be brave and throw everything you have at it. My situation was intolerable and so is yours x

Your poor, poor daughter. It's affecting her health so much, yet "things are not that bad for me to loose all the equity in the house".

How does she feel knowing money is more important to you than she is?

Please get support OP.

It is worth ringing 101 and asking for advice.
You have a very vulnerable child who has MH problems and feels terrorised by this man.
You feel harassed by him.
Talk to 101, ask them for help.
Your child is a crying mess because of this man.
Domestic abuse is not just about being hit.
You won't know what help you can get until you ring and ask.
You are afraid to tell him.
You are afraid of him.

Please ring 101 and ask for help.

You can do this.

How did it go, OP? I hope you were able to have the crunch conversation with your OH last night. You deserve to be out of this situation and to be free of carrying the burden of what this abuser is inflicting on your children and you.