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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he being an arse or am I being over sensitive?

126 replies

IdrisElbasNextWife · 08/01/2021 20:49

DH rarely shows me affection. He always not picks at me, “why have you put that there” etc. He acts like he doesn’t care about me, for example I have been unwell with a horrible head cold for the past 2 days, I have been working from home, he came home from work at lunch time and asked me if I wanted to paint the bathroom, I said now I am working, he got on with other diy jobs that need doing and fixed his friends car. Then this evening he said he had to paint the bathroom this evening, but he said it in such a way that I know he was telling me I had to help. So I went upstairs sneezing every 5 seconds and helped him paint. We took a 10 min break inbetween coats, he could see I am not well, I was hoping he would say he would do the 2nd coat on his own but he didn’t, he stood up and said let’s get this done then.
This isn’t the first time, he always tells me to help him with stuff, he had me outside digging footings with a prolapse and another bad cold a couple of years ago. If I refuse he gets really nasty, calls me names and sulks and just creates a horrible atmosphere for me and DC, it’s not worth it.

He does work hard and the bathroom did need painting but it could have waited a day. I am having surgery on Monday as I have had an undiscovered infection in my womb since October when I had a miscarriage and it didn’t all come away. If I still have this cold I won’t be able to have the surgery so I really need to rest.
Is it me being too sensitive?

OP posts:

Original poster

IdrisElbasNextWife · 12/01/2021 17:12

I can’t leave though, we won’t be able to sell the house as it is, we have about 3 years of work to do on it. Once that is done we will have more equity and will both be able to buy a little house or flat each.
I would move into my sons room whilst he is at his dads but then if DH knew I was planning on leaving he would turn nasty and stop working on the house, then I would be back to square one.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 12/01/2021 17:15

You can’t possibly stay for another three years with someone who treats you so poorly

Idris would definitely treat you better

Original poster

IdrisElbasNextWife · 12/01/2021 17:27

@Shoxfordian thanks for making me laugh! I’m sure Idris would be better at many things

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 12/01/2021 17:28

He definitely would

Can you find some support from your family or friends?

Original poster

IdrisElbasNextWife · 12/01/2021 17:35

They are fed up of hearing about it. I can’t blame them, all I do is moan about it and then not take any action.
I did leave him 2 years ago, I found a rented house and moved out in secret whilst he was at work. We went to counselling and got back together though

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 12/01/2021 18:38

Move out again and don’t go back

Original poster

IdrisElbasNextWife · 12/01/2021 18:58

I wish it was that simple.

I called DH at work twice today as DS 2 was really miss behaving as he knew I couldn’t chase him or stop him from hurting his little sister. I asked DH to talk to him, he hardly said anything on the phone to him but when he got home he sent him to bed early, not for the way he was with me because it wasn’t nice for daddy to get phone calls at work, he started having a go at me, I said he should have been here anyway, then he just got really mad and said I was turning it around on him and blaming him, shouting at me in front of DC. Then he said I should take DS to bed, so I did, he came in the room and shouted at DS again and told me I should be the one dealing with it. I went to lay down and he followed me into the bedroom having a go at me for turning it around on him. I just kept on quietly asking him to leave me alone. Now he is downstairs and I am in bed.
I’m so fed up.

OP posts:

combatbarbie · 12/01/2021 18:58

So you know he's abusive, your friends and family are sick of hearing about it but as long as you have the house you will stay put.? I cannot fathom this logic. Women leave with only the clothes on their back but manage to get themselves together and lead normal lives and gain financial independence.

If you think your doing your kids a favour by staying together I can assure you, you are not, you are damaging them by making them live in a toxic environment.

Original poster

IdrisElbasNextWife · 12/01/2021 19:45

@combatbarbie I don’t think he is abusive, he lacks empathy and is uncaring. He resents me for being unwell and not doing my share of the renovation on the house.

I think he finds me annoying. I’m just really sad

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 12/01/2021 20:18

The house would sell even without the work done.

DigitalChristmas · 12/01/2021 20:29

@Honeyroar

The house would sell even without the work done.

Might be worth discretely touching base with a local real estate agent. You would be surprised what makes a difference to the value of a property and what makes little to none. Even if you don’t want to or can’t leave straight away it would give you an idea of what to focus on as far as any renovations go.

combatbarbie · 12/01/2021 22:36

What is your definition of abuse OP? The way he has ground you down so you don't argue - so you know your place, blames you for things that weren't your fault......

Hopefulhen · 12/01/2021 23:08

Did you post about this situation a couple of years ago when you moved out to a rented property? If I remember correctly the older two children are not his and he had a friend who would intervene via email/message.
If so I am sorry you are still in such a difficult situation.

pinkyredrose · 13/01/2021 12:55

i found a rented house and moved out in secret whilst he was at work holy fuck you'd already bloody left him?! Why the fuck did you give up your rented house and go back to him, how did he persuade you to do that?

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2021 13:07

I can see this from both sides

If you have four children and bought a house to renovate, work full time, and partner who is constantly too sick to help I can see why you could get very frustrated.

I also can see if you’re ill and incapable of helping, why you’d also be frustrated at being asked.

I think you’ve both bitten off more than you can chew. A house that needs renovating with four kids at home was a step too far. Couple that with your ill health and it’s a volcano

Try to think of his side, he works all day, comes home, deals with four kids, then spends his evening doing the renovation work. When he asks for help he’s consistently told no.

You already understand it from your point of view.

I think the two of you need to talk and understand each other’s frustrations and to be kind to one another during rhe process.

Weirdfan · 13/01/2021 13:37

Frustration shouldn't result in such an utter lack of care and compassion for his wife though Bluntness. It's entirely his responsibility to find better ways of dealing with feeling they've bitten off more than they can chew than punishing his ill wife for it. It's still abusive behaviour regardless of the excuse 'cause'.

DigitalChristmas · 13/01/2021 13:51

@Weirdfan

This.

Shoxfordian · 13/01/2021 14:01

He might feel frustrated but he doesn’t have to be such a knob

billy1966 · 13/01/2021 14:22

OP,

You already left him for being abusive.

Please contact Women's Aid.

It was a huge and ridiculous decision to buy a project house with this man.

Your children are being reared in a highly toxic abusive home.

Your children sharing bedrooms is not the worst thing in the world.

Living their childhood in a home like this is.

Renovating houses is an awful stress to be under unless you are the sort that loves that type of project.
For most people it would be a nightmare.
Even managing others renovate your home can be stressful.

To do it with 4 children is a huge stress.

He sounds as if he doesn't care for you in any way.

This will not get better.

Seek support from Women's Aid.

Sounds like your returning, having left this awful man, has exasperated family and friends.

goody2shooz · 13/01/2021 14:35

As a pp said, make a call to an estate agent and find out the difference in price if you sold the house now. If you’re unable physically to do the work with you husband, it’ll take ages and will make you and your kids more and more unhappy. Sometimes money isn’t everything and if the house renovation ruins your health (physical and/or mental) it won’t be worth anything. Talk to man estate agent - it won’t hurt and knowing there might be very little difference might give you the push you need to leave. And this time - STAY LEFT!

pinkyredrose · 13/01/2021 14:45

If you have four children and bought a house to renovate, work full time, and partner who is constantly too sick to help I can see why you could get very frustrated

I can't.

Original poster

IdrisElbasNextWife · 16/01/2021 22:37

Sorry been ashamed to admit it but yes, still me.
Sorry I’m rubbish, I don’t deserve my DC

I don’t deserve my DC. I’m sorry for Being
So rubbish

OP posts:

Hopefulhen · 16/01/2021 23:36

Don’t be sorry, it’s incredibly hard emotionally and financially to leave a difficult relationship especially when you have children.
Is this the same house you were living in two years ago, or have you bought another renovator? If so, I would be suspicious he is intentionally trapping you buy ensuring your money is all tied up in houses that are difficult to sell.
Would you be able to persuade your H to go to counselling again? Even if your long term plan is to separate at least it might temper some of his bad behaviour in the meantime.

billy1966 · 17/01/2021 01:26

You most certainly are not rubbish.

You do need to get help though.

You and your children deserve some peace.

Contact Women's Aid.

RantyAnty · 17/01/2021 02:34

Was it his idea to buy the house?

Think about the relief you felt last time you left him.

You can do it again.

Families used to live in one room houses so it won't hurt for your DC to share a bedroom.

Please seek out help and make 2021 the year you ditch this mean arse for good.

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