Is he being an arse or am I being over sensitive?

[IdrisElbasNextWife]

DH rarely shows me affection. He always not picks at me, “why have you put that there” etc. He acts like he doesn’t care about me, for example I have been unwell with a horrible head cold for the past 2 days, I have been working from home, he came home from work at lunch time and asked me if I wanted to paint the bathroom, I said now I am working, he got on with other diy jobs that need doing and fixed his friends car. Then this evening he said he had to paint the bathroom this evening, but he said it in such a way that I know he was telling me I had to help. So I went upstairs sneezing every 5 seconds and helped him paint. We took a 10 min break inbetween coats, he could see I am not well, I was hoping he would say he would do the 2nd coat on his own but he didn’t, he stood up and said let’s get this done then.
This isn’t the first time, he always tells me to help him with stuff, he had me outside digging footings with a prolapse and another bad cold a couple of years ago. If I refuse he gets really nasty, calls me names and sulks and just creates a horrible atmosphere for me and DC, it’s not worth it.

He does work hard and the bathroom did need painting but it could have waited a day. I am having surgery on Monday as I have had an undiscovered infection in my womb since October when I had a miscarriage and it didn’t all come away. If I still have this cold I won’t be able to have the surgery so I really need to rest.
Is it me being too sensitive?

What?? It’s his idea to paint the bathroom. He’s a bully. It could have waited. Are you having photos taken tomorrow? Then it didn’t need doing did it. He’s an arse

Tbh OP, if you're with a nasty, uncaring man only because you don't think you could cope on your own, you are in for a long, hard slog. He must know this as well and that's why the power dynamic in your relationship is so skewed.

If you realise what he's like, don't want to leave and also don't want to confront him and get him to stop - not sure what your options are. I guess finding a way to numb yourself so you don't feel anything ever again around him - is that really what you want for your life? Could you really not have a conversation with him and be honest that his lack of empathy is wearying you down?

YANBU and you are not over sensitive at all but you do need to find your backbone. Just say no.

Also, in the gentlest way possible, what is the point of having a big house and mortgage etc if you are miserable living in it? And by that I mean because of your DH not the actual house itself. Don’t stay together for the kids either, they won’t thank you in the long run. Life is too short to waste it with someone who makes you feel shit. Sell the house. I’d rather be happy and live in a flat.

If I tell him how I feel he just turns it around. For example, if I say I feel like you don’t show me any affection, he will say well you don’t show me any affection, it takes 2 op.
If I say I feel really upset about x,y, z he will say well how do you think I feel, it’s not all about you op.
I do show him affection, I’m the first to instigate any physical contact, I make him food that he likes, I send him messages every now and again when he’s not at home. I read about the 5 love languages and I think his is acts of service so I do try to do things for him but he either picks holes in what I do or just doesn’t seem to notice.

But then this morning I am still feeling rough so I have told him I need to rest to have any chance of the surgery going ahead, he is being all nice asking if he can get me anything. It’s so confusing!

@IdrisElbasNextWife

But then this morning I am still feeling rough so I have told him I need to rest to have any chance of the surgery going ahead, he is being all nice asking if he can get me anything. It’s so confusing!

@IdrisElbasNextWife it’s part of the abuse cycle unfortunately. It’s not kindness and care in the way that non abusive people understand. He will use it as ammunition to say he does care any time you dare to question him. He will say I looked after you before your surgery yet completely ignore the fact that he put that very surgery at risk a matter of hours previously.

I think you hit the nail on the head, he doesn't really care for you, only when it suits him. He is a bully - a person who wants their way and will cause pain for others if they don’t get it.

How old are your children?

My children are 6,8,12 and 14

You need to stand up for yourself and learn to tell him to fuck off. No way would I let any man treat me like that. There would be consequences.

Realistically, can leaving him and sorting yourself out be any more effort than digging footings with a prolapse? You make the effort because you want to please him/make him shut up but you could rechannel that energy into looking after YOURSELF.

If I tell him how I feel he just turns it around

Abuse tactic. Lots of red flags here, OP. Do you see them?

Red flags are things you feel, not things he does. So when he 'turns it around', how do you feel? When he act in a threatening way, how do you feel?

OP: How do you feel? Name the feelings you have about your relationship. List them. Not the good things. Anybody can be 'a good person' sometimes, when they want something. The measure of a relationship is how the participants feel when things go wrong.

LTB

He’s your partner, you are both adults Start saying no when you don’t want to do something. If you cannot say no because you are afraid of his reaction find someone you can say no to

I'm sorry OP, but he sounds horrid.

When he's ill, does he pitch in to help you with your jobs, or does he expect to be looked after?

He's a bully and he sounds childish too. Please don't let him get away with it and take charge of your own destiny. I'm sorry OP your life with him sounds miserable.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man. You have no life with him and all he shows you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Your children are picking up on all this too.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to be in a marriage like yours is, no you would not. It’s not good enough for you either.

How can you be helped into ridding yourself of your abuser?. Would you be willing to contact Women’s Aid?.

It has nothing to do with love languages. Your partner is abusive. You are describing a textbook narcissist. Please stop trying to rationalise his behaviour. He does what he does in order to hurt you. It is deliberate.

Think if how your daughters will let men treat them (and your sons treat women) if they see you stay and tolerate this shit.

If you Google 'Lundy bankrofts 9 types of abuser' I have a feeling you'll find your partners traits in there.

Honestly, you sound like you are married to my dad. I love him, but he is often hard to deal with. It won’t get any better, my DM is very miserable. He has got worse as he’s got older. I’d say think long and hard about if you want this (and likely worse) for the rest of your life.

Everything you're putting into this marriage has gone unnoticed by the looks of it. All your actions and servitude have been taken for granted. Isn't the definition of madness keeping doing the same thing but expecting a different result?

You need this disgusting cunt away from you and the dc, how can you bear to even open your legs for him when he's so awful to you?

Please take legal advice about where you can go from here.

Today he has done the 3rd coat of paint and now he is tiling the bathroom, he hasn’t asked me to help other than carry a couple of things upstairs that he needed.
I think he is overwhelmed with the amount of work that needs doing on the house we bought in October. He feels hard done by that he is the one doing most of the work on it. I seem to be unwell every couple of weeks at the moment so I think he is just frustrated.

He is a manipulative bully and you are making excuse after excuse just covering up for him.
Hopefully one day you will give your head a serious wobble and see this. Hopefully one day you will stop thinking that you can't possibly leave him as you have children and a house together, that's nonsense. Grow a pair and stand up for yourself before the rest of your life is wasted with this awful person.

.... I spoke too soon. I was laying on sofa and he called me upstairs, when I went up there he asked me if I felt well enough to cut some tiles, I said no sorry I don’t. He just continued putting adhesive on the wall, I asked if he wanted to talk to me about something, why had he called me upstairs, he said no I asked you to cut some tiles fit me, so I just said oh, and walked back downstairs to the sofa. I’m waiting for him to come and moan at me.

@IdrisElbasNextWife

Today he has done the 3rd coat of paint and now he is tiling the bathroom, he hasn’t asked me to help other than carry a couple of things upstairs that he needed. I think he is overwhelmed with the amount of work that needs doing on the house we bought in October. He feels hard done by that he is the one doing most of the work on it. I seem to be unwell every couple of weeks at the moment so I think he is just frustrated.

Frustrated? Nonsense, he's a class A cunt. People on here are often too quick to advise others to LTB but in this case it seems amply justified. A man who forces a woman to dig foundations with a prolapse? WTF?

Your last post about going up the stairs when he called for you is really annoying. He is laughing at you, do you ask how high when he shouts jump ???

I don’t have the energy to deal with the fall out of I stand up to him. He will create an awful atmosphere and I can’t do that to the kids.

I want to tell him to fuck off but it’s not that simple.