Constantly being told what to do

[Pickle48]

I've NC'ed for this, not sure why as its so outing but hey ho. There are other issues in my marriage but this is something that's bugging me. Because I cant seem to find a way to solve it.

Over the past number of years I feel more and more like a schoolkid in our relationship and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.

This is a bit random but an example. Had a delivery and it came with one of those gel ice packs in them. I thought it seemed silly to throw it away, especially as I do a lot of sport and they are useful for injuries. So I put it in the freezer. DW asks what it was doing in there, so I explained. Next day I find it in the bin. I asked why she did it and she said we didn't need it. I said I had explained why I wanted it and put it back. A week later I heard my wife complain again that "it made finding things in the freezer hard" and it ended up in the bin again.

And again. My parents sent me some presents and they had bought a box to put them all in. Im not talking some random cardboard box, its purpose built and decorated. Before I had even said anything my DW said "don't think you are keeping that". Then again this morning I was asked "why is that not in the recycling yet"

And before you ask. We live in a big house, its not cramped. I am not a hoarder, but I hate throwing stuff away when they could be reused. But its not just this - I get told what to do in other areas of life as well. For years I have just backed down. If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument. What do I do.... (aside from leave)

@Hawkins001

If you stay together, what about making a chart on the fridge that eg lists various tasks and when they were completed and have it spread over a month and a tick box style ect ?

Was this meant for a different thread?

Dear OP
You sound like you have Stockholm syndrome.
Just pack your things and leave.
So many ways to freedom but keep it simple.
This person will continue to dominate you as long as you are in their sphere. Only way to make change is to up sticks.
No point in discussion.

I can see you're clinging onto this because it's some sort of makeshift security blanket...

I have one more thing to say and I'm out because the willfull blindness/denial is irritating af....

All you are to her is an unpaid slave, an emotional punch bag and a sperm donor. If you think that's worth saving I don't know what to tell you.

Good luck OP.

It sounds like she is coersive controlling you. Unfair. I feel bad for you. What happens when you put your foot down?
I lf I were you I would make a plan to get out of this. Its no way to leave.

No way to live I mean.

Please go easy on me.

She says her love language is doing things like booking restaurants, going to things like theatre, holiday or events. She says that these create memories and emotional bonds. There are times recently where I have been so exhausted that I struggle to enjoy them. I asked her if we could ease back on doing them. Lockdown has helped in that respect, but in turn shown a chasm in the relationship.

@Closetbeanmuncher Yes.. nail on head. I'm worried.

I didn't have a simple upbringing - I was neglected early on, and learnt to internalise a lot of my feelings as a way of coping. This explains a lot why I just continue with the status quo. But I also fear abandonment. I am working through a lot of this with a therapist, and I am getting GP support but I'm dealing with suicidal thoughts and I don't think being alone just right now is ideal.

Shes not good for you op. Shes not good for your mental health either.

With the greatest respect to you. She is a bully , she does what she does to you because she can.

You need to find the strength to speak up . I know its hard for you though.
For your relationship to improve you both need to make a compromise. You might be willing to , but she is not and as point blank refused to take any blame for anything.

You will not be good for each other in the long run. In years to come you will end up lonely and miserable stuck in a relationship that you won't leave because you just won't.

Please please leave her, go and be on your own work on your confidence. Then in time Find someone that loves you for you and that wants a family , im sorry your just not right for each other .

I recognise the "going a bit robot" thing. I realised a few years ago that was my failsafe. Just put your head down, compartmentalise and keep going.

It worked for me for years until it turned into full blown PND that I had left untreated far too long and I started to feel like not just a robot, but a void.

I went to the GP and got on antidepressants and they did dampen down a lot of the worst of it. It took 6 months to actually feel strong but at least in the meantime I felt neutral. And neutral is a big improvement from dark thoughts.

Are you on antidepressants? I think you definitely need them.

She says her love language is doing things like booking restaurants, going to things like theatre, holiday or events. She says that these create memories and emotional bonds

She says, she says, she says.

But what you say is that you don't feel she wants you to be happy.

Even if that is how she says she loves you, it's not a language you understand, otherwise you wouldn't be struggling to enjoy those things. People who speak different languages don't understand each other. It's your responsibility to yourself to be happy alone or to find someone who speaks a language that makes you happy.

All of your opinions are based on what 'she says'. That means that they are opinions that you have been told to have. You don't even seem to question whether she's right or not. Whatever she says, goes, regardless of your emotional response.

Why doesn't your emotional response dictate your actions, rather than what she tells you?

I don’t really buy into love languages, underneath everything it doesn’t sound like there is much respect for you or your feelings in this relationship. If there’s no respect, there’s no love. She doesn’t sound like she likes you that much, that perhaps you irritate her so she responds with bossing you about. This is not a good relationship for either of you. It sounds like a miserable existence, it’s not a healthy situation to stay in. You may find that this relationship is the cause of a lot of you mental health issues. So although you feel like leaving would be a bad thing for your mental health it might actually be the catalyst to recovery.

At the very least you need respect, kindness and consideration for the other partner. These all seem missing here. I’m glad you’re having counselling to work through this. Please speak to someone about your suicidal thoughts, I understand you’re getting help from the gp but sometimes this isn’t enough. If you’re feeling bad please contact Samaritans, they’re very good if you find yourself in a crisis. You will get through this.

I don’t really buy into love languages

I think it's about people who don't instinctively 'get' each other learning to 'get' each other. Like trying to be friends with someone you don't really get on with. It's beyond me, unless people have some condition upon them where they're not allowed to split up and meet someone who speaks their language.

She says her love language is doing things like booking restaurants, going to things like theatre, holiday or events. She says that these create memories and emotional bonds

Interesting that all of these examples of her "love language" have been mostly conveniently unavailable for the last 10 months, due to COVID-19.

OP, she's gaslighting you.
Sorry

Get your ducks in a row, sort out all the paper work, see a solicitor and LTB. You will be much happier, I think.

I do buy into the concept of love languages as a way of aiding communication in an otherwise healthy relationship. It's a way of describing how & why one person might place emphasis on one way of demonstrating love - for example, I really don't care about gifts. If I was with someone who really did, it's helpful for me to realise that my partner doesn't see that as "just a gift" but the presence/absence of something more meaningful.
For me, someone telling me I'm beautiful every day would be a bit some people really value that though.

However, it's clear this is not a healthy relationship. OP's partner is using the concept of love languages to hide the absence of fundamental respect, love and kindness that should be present in any relationship as a basis.

As PP said above - if OP's love language is doing things for his DW, what's her love language then - orders, bullying, PA behaviour?? This relationship is toxic, it's not a communication issue you can solve by discussing love languages.

Wasn't trying to be cruel pickle, I get it.

Please open up to your friends irl about your mental health issues, you need to tap into your support network. Has the GP discussed medication with you?

I honestly think this relationship is compounding your core emotional issues. All I see is a puppet master pulling the right strings to keep you off balance. She's not a good woman OP.

I think she sounds mean and cold. I suggest you leave and find someone wam and kind to have kids with.

Good luck!! Only get one life

She says her love language is doing things like booking restaurants, going to things like theatre, holiday or events.

You see my ex used to do the grand gestures and say 'but look at all these things I did - for US' and would try to make me feel guilty for getting upset about the way he belittled me or shouted at me or smashed things up, or stormed off because I'd raised something I was concerned about or put me down in front of others or repeatedly breached agreed boundaries.

The grand gestures are their way of guilting you into accepting their shitty behaviour. It's a way of getting you to shut up.

It's like the long term 'stately hones' abuse thread on here. They think that because they make these grandiose gestures, that shows they love you. But that's not love. Without all the small, intimate, non-flashy gestures, kindness and words, all that stuff is just coercion, manipulation and control.

Wow.
If this weren't a DW but a DH, people would be rushing to advise you to LTB. And for good reason.

She sounds absolutely awful. I do get that relationships are a two way street nevertheless, calling you a doormat sounds like victim blaming to me.
She is utterly disrespectful. She has pressed your buttons consistently and tested how far she can push you to just comply and this is now her MO. It's appalling and makes me feel quite sick and sad for you.

I'd recommend seeking counselling for yourself (for your depression as a separate issue to the relationship) and putting plans in place to leave. Treating someone so badly doesn't just end.

@CandyLeBonBon

She says her love language is doing things like booking restaurants, going to things like theatre, holiday or events.

You see my ex used to do the grand gestures and say 'but look at all these things I did - for US' and would try to make me feel guilty for getting upset about the way he belittled me or shouted at me or smashed things up, or stormed off because I'd raised something I was concerned about or put me down in front of others or repeatedly breached agreed boundaries.

The grand gestures are their way of guilting you into accepting their shitty behaviour. It's a way of getting you to shut up.

It's like the long term 'stately hones' abuse thread on here. They think that because they make these grandiose gestures, that shows they love you. But that's not love. Without all the small, intimate, non-flashy gestures, kindness and words, all that stuff is just coercion, manipulation and control.

This 👆 I got this off my Ex. Total Narcissistic behaviour as they end up making you feel like it's all you / your fault.

@cosmicbabe yep. 2 years after splitting I'm still plagued by self doubt. It's so destructive.

Thankyou everyone. I've got the ball rolling to move out.

The advice on here has been truly amazing, I am sorry to those who are questioning why I am not listening to the advice. I truly am - I think its a sense of trying to understand and learn from this. As one of the PP posters said, I am using this time to build myself up, develop and grow. I dont want to just walk into another $hit relationship/

Interestingly the more we talk, the more it reassures me that even without the anger issues that the relationship could be strained in the future. One piece of my life that I feel has been missing as been the sexual expression. Actually scrap that... just any sex life. I asked her and she said its unimportant to her. I tried in vain to spice up the sex but she didn't want to to try. In her words, it doesn't define a relationship, and that things like going out together, holding hands etc is what is important to her. I listened and took it on board, and said that it's fine that sex is unimportant to her, but to me it is. So I feel better because it shows to me the differences that have developed and that I wont get these needs met in this relationship.

Something she said stood out to me. She said "you wouldn't treat me this way at the start of the relationship" [ie not being romantic], so why do you treat me like that now. And I thought, you know what, maybe, but you wouldn't talk to me and be aggressive to me at the start of the relationship either. And actually, it can take a bit of time in a relationship for intimacy to develop .... so if anything she has just proved a point that her behavior isn't right. Because often intimacy may not be present at the start of a relationship, but you definitely wouldn't be shouting or belittling on a first date.

When I said that she needs to stop being passive aggressive if there is a chance for the relationship, she said "I'm not passive aggressive ... I'm aggressive"

Once again, thank you everyone. I will keep you posted if there is an update later on.

Very sorry Pickle. It takes a lot of courage and must feel like the sky's fallen down. There's nothing to celebrate or congratulate here other than your courage. It was an impossible situation and a nil sum emotional game. It happened to me and she was seeing an ex. I was luckier than you are in a way with an almost teenage daughter I'm close to. Six months later when he dumped her she wanted to try again. Wonder what the advice on here would be? Eckhart! Well she now spends her time hitting up tinder. I have my now 15 year old daughter pretty much to myself. Fine by me. Opportunities come along when you least expect them. Rushing into things again is hollow at least for me. Everyone will be here for you if you need them. I'd say stay stong but you always have been.

For example, she has been understandably been very upset. It hurts me to see her this way. My actions have caused her to be unhappy and I cant live with that guilt. If I had said nothing, she would have had a pleasant day

Yes she'd have had a pleasant day, at your expense! Because you're not happy, are you? So if you stay together only one of you gets to be happy? What about not staying together and both of you being happy?

Fundamental fact of life: you're not responsible for her happiness, she's responsible for that. You're responsible for your own happiness.

So it's ok if you took a step towards making yourself happy and she didn't like it and felt unhappy. She can take steps to make herself happy. If she does that by treating you badly, making you unhappy again, you can choose what to do about that. Including choosing to walk away. She should be choosing that too. She should be saying this man makes me unhappy, I'm going to walk away. Instead she says this man makes me unhappy, I'm going to destroy him. Loved her defence against being called passive aggressive. It was essentially "I'm not an arsehole...I'm a massive arsehole". Um, yeh...not very clever either, is she!

Ah OP, you sound like me. Because of your upbringing you got used to tolerating crap. Practice makes perfect, so they say! You had a lot of practice at tolerating crap. Now you're excellent at tolerating crap. This is not a good thing.

Stockholm syndrome, someone said that about me too. I'm not sure it's a proper medical thing, but I looked it up and it did resonate with me. Took me 2 years after I'd left to start truly seeing the damage he'd done to my psyche.

Stockholm syndrome is a recognised effect of operant conditioning.

@Pickle48

So pleased to see your update this morning. You're taking steps in the right direction, and big ones, too. You sound like your thinking is becoming more assertive, and that's a sign that you're starting to a) recognise your own needs and b) respect them. It's life changing

@Eckhart Thankyou. A lot of people have helped me and contributed on this thread, but I do appreciate that you've added a weight of momentum and kept things going. For that I'm really grateful

And yes, it feels life changing ;)