Constantly being told what to do

[Pickle48]

I've NC'ed for this, not sure why as its so outing but hey ho. There are other issues in my marriage but this is something that's bugging me. Because I cant seem to find a way to solve it.

Over the past number of years I feel more and more like a schoolkid in our relationship and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.

This is a bit random but an example. Had a delivery and it came with one of those gel ice packs in them. I thought it seemed silly to throw it away, especially as I do a lot of sport and they are useful for injuries. So I put it in the freezer. DW asks what it was doing in there, so I explained. Next day I find it in the bin. I asked why she did it and she said we didn't need it. I said I had explained why I wanted it and put it back. A week later I heard my wife complain again that "it made finding things in the freezer hard" and it ended up in the bin again.

And again. My parents sent me some presents and they had bought a box to put them all in. Im not talking some random cardboard box, its purpose built and decorated. Before I had even said anything my DW said "don't think you are keeping that". Then again this morning I was asked "why is that not in the recycling yet"

And before you ask. We live in a big house, its not cramped. I am not a hoarder, but I hate throwing stuff away when they could be reused. But its not just this - I get told what to do in other areas of life as well. For years I have just backed down. If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument. What do I do.... (aside from leave)

Even when I say I'm leaving, she won't say "ok, I will do something about it". I think deep down she thinks I will never leave.
If you mean it when you say you are leaving, then it makes no difference what she does after that, as she will not be part of your life in future anyway. Do you mean it, or are you just saying it to scare her into changing?

I'm confused.

You told her you should move out. OK.... Are you actually moving out?

Because if it was just an empty threat to get her to meet you in the middle finally then yeah, it was just manipulation.

I mean, she sounds like an asshole (genuinely) but she's right about one thing. Either leave her or don't. And once you leave tbh I'd hire a man to do the jobs too - if she were posting "DH has left me but insists on coming back to do jobs about the house" she'd be urged to hire a man in. Otherwise it's harder to make a clean break.

Yes, the last thing I wanted after my exh moved out was him in the house!

I always think to I'm too old for to tolerate things I don't agree with. I'm really sweet and easy going normally but I'm not going to be told what I can or cannot do. It's my house and I'll keep what I want.
If my husband ask me or he thinks we don't need something I'll think about it but ultimately we have to respect each other.
Your wife sounds controlling and I'll put a stop to it. She wouldn't like you making decisions about her stuff.
Sounds like harassment on her part.

The more I read your answers the more I think your wife is a cow with anger issues.
Please go back to counselling on your own. You need to learn that pleasing or making sure she doesn't get angry only makes things worse.
Why are you together if she finds you so unappealing? I'll hate that.
If my husband treated me the way you are treated I definitely would think I'm in an abusive relationship.
Don't be afraid of confrontation. Sometimes we need to learn that we empower the other person by saying nothing. You are desperate for her approval and looks like she manipulates you by withholding it.
Cook what you want to eat. If she doesn't like it tough. Maybe she should cook from time to time.
Personally either I'll try to fix it or leave. Sounds miserable. You deserve better.

@ElspethFlashman

No it wasn't an empty threat. I told her that I wanted a trial separation, and that I wanted to move out. I said it wasn't permanent, but would give us space.

But then she caught me off guard a bit by saying that if I go, there is no coming back. And then she started talking about "terms and conditions of the trial separation" and that she needed time to think about what the terms were. And so I said fine, I will give her time to think and let it settle in.

I know these are all excuses - but its very hard for me. To leave my house, with all my things in. I would only get a small place, so I wouldn't take much. I am a little bit worried about leaving my stuff to be honest. As the example that I opened the post with shows, she can get a bit funny about what she perceives as clutter so I don't want her to start getting rid of my stuff without my knowledge. But I appreciate these are all excuses I know.

PS: I'm a counsellor and I'm absolutely disgusted with your therapist.
Our job is driven by our clients needs. Therapy is about giving the person the support that they require to allow healing in a safe environment.
Your therapist isn't there to champion your wife she is there to help you.
You are trying to be assertive by understanding your needs. We all want to be accepted and loved. Part of being in a relationship is to feel wanted sexually and otherwise.
If you think leaving is best for you. Go ahead and take all your stuff with you. A half way house isn't going to help long term. Please try not to think that you can be friends. Your wife isn't offering absolutely anything to make things better for you. Ultimately you have to champion yourself. There are so many people in the world that would love to have a partner like you. You have tremendous qualities and with a little bit of work you can achieve what we all want to be loved for whom we are. Don't endure life is too short. ♥️

OP you move your belongings out of the house, get a storage unit & your things will be secure.

She has asked for me to wait so she can think about the "terms and conditions of the split"

Come again?

You've told her you want out, and she says - wait for me to decide exactly how you do that, and you say yes?

Why have you allowed her to tell you when and how you're allowed to leave? Why are you waiting? What are you waiting for?

@gutful

OP you move your belongings out of the house, get a storage unit & your things will be secure.

Exactly this ^

I’ve been following your thread and you seem like a kind and decent man. You have spent far too long worrying about her feelings and allowing her controlling nature to take over. Enough is enough.

Leaving permanently is the only good option I can see for you. No trial separation, just LTB.

This is what I can see from your posts:
• You are unhappy.
• She has no interest in working with you to address the problems in the relationship.
• She won’t meet you even a quarter of the way let alone half way on ANYTHING.
• She doesn’t give two hoots about your feelings.
• She treats you badly.
• She is controlling and continues to call all the shots.
• SHE WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE (Sorry for shouting).

Please get all of your belongings together and put them in storage and find somewhere to stay ASAP. Get all your ducks in a row and take legal advice (MN cliche term but essential as she is capable of trying everything she can to hurt you).

As soon as you get away from her your mind will start to clear and you will be able to really see what she is doing to you which is emotionally abusing you IMO.

Oh and please ditch the useless counsellor. Get an impartial one which at the very least is what they should offer.

Good luck OP, you can do this, we’ve just started a new year after a shit show that was 2020. Take this opportunity and run with it.
🏃‍♂️ 🏃 🏃‍♂️

if I go, there is no coming back
So she is saying there can be no trial separation, just a permanent separation. In that case, there is no need to discuss the terms of the separation, is there?

People are asking if you really mean it because you are saying that she should have responded by saying how she is going to change. But if you're really leaving, she won't need to change anything, will she?

If the sexes were reversed , and a woman was describing how she wanted to leave her husband and the husband was dictating the terms of how the woman should behave during the separation, we'd all be saying how controlling that husband was!
Your wife is a controlling, abusive bully, from what you have written here.
Get a storage unit, get all your belongs into it, see a SHL and sort out all the paperwork you need (pensions, savings etc yours and hers) , then get out and divorce her.

She is messing with you again.

Do not leave your stuff.
Get it moved into storage.
The house will have to be sold so you might as well move on that.

She doesn't care about you.
She is only thinking about what will work best for her.

Get legal advice.
Get the house valued.
Get your stuff into storage.

Show her exactly how "manly" you are.

She is so nasty.

Get yourself a decent therapist and dump the useless one you have.
She is working against you, NOT helping you.

Tbh I wouldn't leave at all.

I'd kick off the divorce process and continue to live in the house, Is there room for you both to have a bedroom each,m? As part of the divorce you get to discuss terms and conditions with a mediator. I'm not sure what gives her the right to dictate the T&Cs.

But tbh if you don't act on your conversation with her the next time you bring it up she'll think it's an empty threat and carry on.

Come on now OP... In your mind you still believe you can make her change which is why you haven't just found a place and gone. You don't want to leave or there wouldn't be all this dithering...
If I can see that don't you think she can?

You're a grown man and you're going to learn how to have the autonomy to survive alone, either that or stay under mummy's thumb being gaslit, insulted and rejected.

Jesus be honest with yourself at least!

Please don't leave anything behind that you want to keep. She doesn't give a shiny shit about you or your 'stuff'. This is a deficit in her personality and has no reflection on you. Why do you think it's so hard for you to realise this?

@billy1966 great advice. To the point. ♥️

Sorry OP but your wife sounds like an absolute bitch and you are being a doormat! If this was a man treating a woman like this everyone would be screaming ltb because he's abusive!

She doesn't like you, she just wants the image of having a marriage, & house.
Every single thing you do fills her with rage & loathing.
What conditions can she make about a separation? other that you agree not to just show up at any time. if you need anything you should call.
Anyway, it's one more set of rules that she sets, you can say "Not happening". you can say, "not interested in any more of your rules".
It is still half your house, whether you live in it to not.
Separation means I am moving into separate accommodation to evaluate if our relationship is salvageable, you should do the same".
She just keeps on gaslighting
Just go.
Beware she doesn't sell/ditch/your things, (take photos of your possessions) take all important paperwork with you, deeds of properties, savings, pension documents.etc.

She doesn't like you, she just wants the image of having a marriage, & house

I don't think OP quite grasps this mix. He would rather bury his head in the sand and hope for a pity shag.

It is like you are waiting for her permission to leave. I really hope you get a better therapist.

Sorry, that sounded snarky. It wasn't meant to. I just relate.

You don't need her permission to leave. She doesn't get to draw up the T&C's! Take charge of your happiness - it's like you are a helpless passenger in your own life.

Leave asap, but make sure you get a storage place first (Big Yellow etc), and take your favourite stuff. She will get rid of it - (you know that), and blame you - " But you said we are over, why did you leave it if you want it ?"
They are still open as essential, and should be Covid secure.

It will not be as hard as you think.
You seem to have assets and income.
You can still work from another place
You don't have children to consider.

Get another therapist that will actually listen to you.

If she throws away things of yours (that you asked her not to) like ice packs or decorated boxes that had your presents in, what on earth do you think she'll do with your personal possessions, once you move out?
She'll destroy /bin them, that's what.

Take everything with you that you want to keep. She'll have a skip delivered the day you leave!