Can my marriage work after infidelity?

[Oranges146]

I'm looking for advice and people's experiences in this area. My relationship has had a lot of ups and downs but to cut a long story short I had an affair (I don't need to know what a scum bag I am, I'm already aware). I regret what's happened and what to fix my marriage which my DH really wants to do too. I just don't know how to do this, does trust and forgiveness come with time? Things have definitely ended with the OM and had done before DH found out but part of the problem is I work with OM. I can't just quit my job for financial reasons and I also love my job. Understandably DH doesn't want me to go back to work. Is there any way things can work in your experiences?

You can show your commitment to your dh by leaving your job.

It’s too hard to say at this stage l think. But l think it’s reasonable for you to get a new job, no one made you have an affair or have an affair with someone at work. I don’t see why your DH has to forgive you, l can understand why he wouldn’t.

I agree, it's your job or your marriage, I don't see how both can work, sorry.

Probably not. Not with you still working with the OM. You really need to leave.

Loving your job is irrelevant. You should have thought about that before shagging a co-worker frankly. It was never going to end well.

No not whilst you stubbornly and selfishly insist on continuing in your job and working with the OM 🤷‍♀️

Thanks for your comments. It's not that Im being stubborn when it comes to work... I actually wouldn't want to go to work and see OM but I'm not in a financial position to up and leave it would take some time for me to find another job in a similar role so poses some further problems. I just wondered if anyone had been in a similar position or similar experiences and what the outcome was.

@WhatKatyDidNxt I know DH doesn't have to forgive me. I can't say what I'd do if I was in his position but he wants to move on together and work through it

look for another job.
you made your choice before so have to bear the consequences.

Are you serious about helping your Husband heal?

Affair recovery will fail unless you go completely NC with the OM. If you continue to work with OM, your betrayed H will suffer, which will of course hinder his ability to heal and trust again.

Even in optimal conditions (NC, full transparency, open access to devices, counseling to examine selfishness, etc), it can take 2-5 years for trust to be restored.

Leaving your job is a necessary consequence of your infidelity and disloyalty.

@MsDogLady yes I am serious about healing. I regret my actions and am hoping over time things will mend. I've had no contact with OM and it's not practical for me to leave my job straight away, I simply cannot afford. I'm wondering if I speak to my employer whether they'll be able to help.

I believe once there has been cheating, the relationship is over as ultimately the trust is gone. However, if he wants to try then I think you just need to go out of your way to reassure him and build his trust. The little things such as leaving your phone around, being open with with your password, don't be secretive basically. Make efforts to try to find another job and let him see that. It might take months to find a new role but at least make an effort to start looking and get interviews. If I was him I'd always wonder about what was happening while you were at work - even if you weren't cheating again, it would be at the back of my mind. Good luck.

Yes, speak to your employer. I hope it all works out for you and your H, Oranges.

Forget your marriage if you can't forget your job.

Your husband is being understanding.
You have been given a second chance.

Your husband gets to have his say
now and one of his conditions to fix your marriage is for you to get another job away from the AP. You are already digging your heels in which doesn't show much commitment to fixing this. Im sure hes not saying go to work and hand your notice in. Start looking for another job so DH can see you are aiming to put some trust back into the marriage. Did you not think of the consequences of your actions?

No wonder you loved your job.

Doe's the OM have a wife?

Poor husband, he now has to feel guilty for you leaving your job, and has the added financial stress of that.
Crap situation for him.

So disrespectful.

You have a choice. Ultimately, so does your DH. I would advise you listen to him

You can absolutely try but he will never forget and it will never be the same no matter how much you try. He'll continue along and realise how much more time he's wasted there, because it will never go away.

My advice to anyone in my position is to leave at the start instead of wasting their whole life with it weighing them down and then realise it's now too late to change anything and life has been wasted. Many don't listen, they like to prove it to themselves like I did. But they were all right and I should have taken the advice when I had the chance. So if I was advising him it would be to leave. You don't get the choice here. You just get to go along with whatever he decided but please know as someone on the other side, you have damaged this relationship beyond repair regardless of if he stays and pretends its all ok. It isn't ok and never will be and that's on you, so if I was you I'd go and not look back give him the chance to find true happiness again instead of staying for selfish reasons watching him live with this burden of your doing. But I know that's not what you want to do and it's all been about you and your selfish needs so far, right?

So, ask if there's possibility of a transfer.
And start looking elsewhere for a job.

@AnimalLogic is right

A part of him will always hate you, depends how much.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I think it's true.
I would have rather had a one night stand inflicted on me, but an affair, no they are the worst.

And you're considering staying in a job with repeated contact.
He will never heal if you do that to him.

If the shoe were on the other foot, how would you want your husband to treat you? Would you be happy for him to stay in his job with access to the the other woman?

Put yourself in his shoes and act accordingly. There is room for forgiveness in life but I think it only comes from being truly, not superficially, contrite.

Look you can't have everything your own way. You cheated and then your DH found out (doesn't sound like you even told him). Now you don't want to leave your job but OM works there, but you do want to keep your marriage. Well something has to give. Your DH has every right to ask you to leave that job and not see OM again. Rather than making excuses, are you even proactively looking for another job? If I was your DH I would expect to see you on job and company websites, sending off cvs and applications etc. OK its not an ideal time to find a new job but you need to actually make the effort here rather than sitting back and expecting everything to go your way. You also need open and honest conversations about why it happened and to answer anything your DH wants to know. Could couples counselling help?

It's your job or your marriage OP. A simple choice.

Oh and if you do continue to work at the same place as OM, I should imagine you will still talk to him, then you will have to lie to your husband.

That is gaslighting.
That is emotional abuse.
He's suffered enough.

I wouldn’t leave your job because I think you’re going to need it.
Your marriage will probably end soon anyway.

Don't leave your job if it's something that will be hard to replace. There are feelings and emotions, and then there is a need to eat and keep a roof over your head.

Do you have children, OP?