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Relationships

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Original poster

Can my marriage work after infidelity?

134 replies

Oranges146 · 08/01/2021 00:09

I'm looking for advice and people's experiences in this area. My relationship has had a lot of ups and downs but to cut a long story short I had an affair (I don't need to know what a scum bag I am, I'm already aware). I regret what's happened and what to fix my marriage which my DH really wants to do too. I just don't know how to do this, does trust and forgiveness come with time? Things have definitely ended with the OM and had done before DH found out but part of the problem is I work with OM. I can't just quit my job for financial reasons and I also love my job. Understandably DH doesn't want me to go back to work. Is there any way things can work in your experiences?

OP posts:

Original poster

Oranges146 · 08/01/2021 12:05

Hi all,
I just wanted to clarify I am not saying that I will not leave my job. But I need to find something else before I do that as I don't think me being unemployed and financial strain will help this situation in any way. I know I have caused this, I am not disputing that it anyway. But I don't think changing the dynamic of our marriage where I don't go to work will make either of us happy. At the moment I am not in work, but I think I eventually will have to go back to work while I find something else but I don't know how DH will cope with this. I know this is my fault, I am a terrible person and my DH deserves better. However DH does want to work through this and I am so grateful for that. I know DH is not being unreasonable by telling me to change jobs but I don't have a magic wand where I can make that happen right away and need to work on and put some things into place before I can move jobs. I'm thinking of telling my employer what has happened so that they can move one of us so that me and OH won't actually have to work together but I don't know if that's something they'll be able to help with.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2021 12:09

I don’t agree you need to leave your job. I think that’s punitive and is going to cause further resentment. Either you’re going to shag this bloke again or you’re not. Your husband either decides to forgive and trust or doesn’t. Leaving your job changes nothing in my view.

BillMasen · 08/01/2021 12:09

I do understand that quitting overnight isn’t an option, but you’re coming across as if hiding really see the importance of leaving ASAP. You’re reluctance shows massively.

If I were your H and you talked to me like you post here (all about how it’s hard to leave, you do great want to, how it impacts you) then I’d see that as a big slap in the face and a clear sign you’re not serious, and tat would be it for me.

You have one chance. One, you don’t look lie you want to take it

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2021 12:10

@BillMasen

I do understand that quitting overnight isn’t an option, but you’re coming across as if hiding really see the importance of leaving ASAP. You’re reluctance shows massively.

You have one chance. One, you don’t look lie you want to take it

I strongly disagree with this.

It comes across like “you need to be punished now, so take your punishment or you’re not contrite”

TheStoic · 08/01/2021 12:10

But I need to find something else before I do that as I don't think me being unemployed and financial strain will help this situation in any way

That is literally what they all say.

Ask your husband whether he would prefer financial stress over the stress of you going to work with your lover.

You have the chance to prove to your husband how serious you are about him and your marriage. Why you are not jumping at the chance he has given you says a great deal.

surelynotnever · 08/01/2021 12:11

Don't give up your job. You could find yourself without a partner and with no job.

You do need a new job though. There was a post from a wife whose husband had an affair with a co-worker and she was completely unable to move on from it as they still saw each other at work.

Like PP said, be clear if you really do want this marriage to work out and why.

There are loads of posts from people whose partners have had affairs, few say marriages ever got back to normal. Some say they tried for years and it failed anyway, others that they stayed but now wish they hadn't as the marriage was never the same again.

TirisfalPumpkin · 08/01/2021 12:11

Can work redeploy you to a different business area where you have no contact with affair partner?

Agree with pp that you do seem very focused on yourself. I don’t mean this to attack. A lot of us will have been in the position of the cheated-on partner and find the language very similar. Often, we got ‘let’s work on this together and move forward’-ed into believing our feelings of betrayal didn’t matter and because our partner had ‘made an effort’ (on their terms) that we owed them continued participation - often only for them to cheat again.

BillMasen · 08/01/2021 12:13

@Bluntness100

I may be wrong but I’d be surprised if you advised a cheated on wife tat her H didn’t need to stop working with the OW.

I agree it’s hard and slow to leave work, but I’d expect it, and treat refusal as the end of the relationship

Original poster

Oranges146 · 08/01/2021 12:13

@Hawkins001 it lasted for a couple of months. I was unhappy for many reasons, I've never been good at communicating things and rather than tackle problems, over time I checked out and leant on a male friend with my problems.

OP posts:

blueangel19 · 08/01/2021 12:15

Do you think your husband would trust you again? Trust is everything.

BillMasen · 08/01/2021 12:16

To be clear. I’d not expect an overnight quit, but a commitment to move on ASAP, followed up by actions. Not a grumpy reluctance due to it being “hard” or not what they want

Tier10 · 08/01/2021 12:17

You need to change jobs, do it for your husband , do it for your marriage.
You love your job, blah, blah, tough luck, you messed up.

BillMasen · 08/01/2021 12:17

And omg my typing is appalling today. Sorry to anyone trying to decipher what I’m saying...

Gazelda · 08/01/2021 12:22

How long ago did your DH find out about the affair?

Have you considered counselling to talk through the problems that were there before, as well as the affair and whether or not your relationship can survive?

Why haven't you already asked for a transfer if this is feasible?

MandalaYogaTapestry · 08/01/2021 12:28

I said it already and will keep saying: it is a VERY bad idea to become financially dependent on someone whom you have hurt.

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2021 12:29

I may be wrong but I’d be surprised if you advised a cheated on wife tat her H didn’t need to stop working with the OW

Absolutely I would. And you won’t find me recommending a woman gives up her financial independence as people are suggesting. It’s like the whole “sack cloth and ashes” thing.

She either is going to cheat again or she’s not. She doesn’t need to give up her job and rely on him financially as punishment and it’s ludicrous to suggest she should.

Original poster

Oranges146 · 08/01/2021 12:33

@gazelda it was about 3 weeks ago. It had been over quite a while before that though. Yes I've started counselling and we're going to look at couples counselling together once lockdown ends.
I haven't spoken to work just yet as I'm scared I guess and I haven't been sure on what to do. I don't know if employers would even help with this kind of thing. I've looked for other jobs but it's becoming more transparent that there's not a lot out there right now so will take longer to do than i thought. I just don't really know how to go about it all. I don't know if they could fire me for this anyway?

OP posts:

Katrinawaves · 08/01/2021 12:35

She can take any other job as a stop gap however. She doesn’t have to sit at home depending on her husband for every penny but nor is it reasonable in the current economic climate for her to be holding out for a job of equivalent status and salary before she will make the move.

So what if she has to work 60 hours a week stacking shelves or cleaning houses to make ends meet for a period. If that’s the price to be paid for making her marriage work and she genuinely feels remorseful and wants to try again then she should be willing to do it.

bluebell34567 · 08/01/2021 12:37

Twanger6 is right.

Gazelda · 08/01/2021 12:40

[quote Oranges146]@gazelda it was about 3 weeks ago. It had been over quite a while before that though. Yes I've started counselling and we're going to look at couples counselling together once lockdown ends.
I haven't spoken to work just yet as I'm scared I guess and I haven't been sure on what to do. I don't know if employers would even help with this kind of thing. I've looked for other jobs but it's becoming more transparent that there's not a lot out there right now so will take longer to do than i thought. I just don't really know how to go about it all. I don't know if they could fire me for this anyway?[/quote]
So just before Christmas then. Not very long. And there won't have been many jobs advertised over the past 3 weeks. Too early to give up looking (not that I'm suggesting you've given up).

Can your role, or similar, be done at another site? If so, could you ask for a transfer? You don't necessarily need to say the reason why.

I do sympathise with your situation, although it was self inflicted. But I find it difficult to sympathise with you taking 3 weeks off sick from work because you're affair has been found out. That's just running away from the problem and increasing the workload for your colleagues.

5pForAPlasticBag · 08/01/2021 12:54

If you’d just shagged some random guy at the gym you could give up your membership. Shagging someone at work is an aggravating factor you chose to introduce because now it locks your DH into an even more undeserved predicament: either he sees it your way and has to deal with you being exposed to your AP daily, or you do as he wants and quit your job - meaning you resent him for renting your finances/career and he resents you for freeloading off him when you’ve treated him so badly and he’ll likely feel bad for denying your career (albeit necessarily). It’s him that’s in a no-win situation - not you.

It all comes down to this: up until now it’s been nothing but upside for you as you’ve gotten exactly what you wanted. How much downside are you willing to onboard to attempt to put things right? It’s a massive risk for him to not end things with you right now. What risks are you prepared to take - and importantly show yourself taking - to save your marriage.

Faith50 · 08/01/2021 13:08

OP - did you confess to your dh or did he catch you out? Apologies if I missed this in your messages.

Infidelity absolutely destroys the betrayed spouse. I know this because I am one. I discovered my dh was unfaithful- took a year to pull out the depths of it which broke me even more as he gaslighted me.

I was on anti-depressants, I self harmed, I was depressed and often found myself on the floor in a foetal position due to the crippling emotional pain. I did not know what to do with that level of pain. I did not know how to separate what he did from who I was. I felt worthless, ugly, discarded. I wanted to die particularly when I woke in the morning.

As a result I had an affair and informed dh. It was not right but I truly did not care by then. Someone else desired me and I entertained it. Had I not had my affair, I know I could not have stayed in the marriage. I tried everything and the pain and despair hung over me all day everyday.

We are working things out now and both need to forgive.

I have sadly learnt a few things about myself:

I am capable
I am selfish
I lack forgiveness and am a revenge seeker

Original poster

Oranges146 · 08/01/2021 13:14

@gazelda I've been off work because that's what my DH asked me to do. It's too raw for him to deal with me going back to work right now, which I completely get. I've also not been well in the aftermath of this, so I don't think I'm in a position to go to work. I know it is all self inflicted, it's me that's caused this situation.
I think I will contact work and see what they say.

OP posts:

fortygin · 08/01/2021 13:16

No sorry. Exh husband made many a tearful promise. Meant nothing. Move on and let him (and yourself) find happiness.

Original poster

Oranges146 · 08/01/2021 13:21

@fortygin sorry to pry- Did you initially give ExH another chance and he broke his promise as you say it meant nothing? Or did you just feel his promises meant nothing and you couldn't forgive?

OP posts:

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