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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can my marriage work after infidelity?

134 replies

Oranges146 · 08/01/2021 00:09

I'm looking for advice and people's experiences in this area. My relationship has had a lot of ups and downs but to cut a long story short I had an affair (I don't need to know what a scum bag I am, I'm already aware). I regret what's happened and what to fix my marriage which my DH really wants to do too. I just don't know how to do this, does trust and forgiveness come with time? Things have definitely ended with the OM and had done before DH found out but part of the problem is I work with OM. I can't just quit my job for financial reasons and I also love my job. Understandably DH doesn't want me to go back to work. Is there any way things can work in your experiences?

OP posts:

DisneyMillie · 08/01/2021 07:44

You need to at least be seriously looking / interviewing for another job if you want a chance of your marriage working. If you don’t do that it says you’re not willing to do whatever it takes.

I’d expect you dh to be patient (it took my dh 6 months to find a new position) and you need to be completely open book whilst you’re still working together as it will be so hard on your dh.

But given a lot of work and time I think it can work if you both want it to enough

Coffeeand · 08/01/2021 08:00

Your marriage may be saveable if you put the work in, but it sounds like you need to be doing more. Your husband can absolutely call what does and doesn’t work for him. I don’t know what experience other posters have of affairs and rebuilding, but I’m nearly 10 years on from a fairly horrific affair and the marriage has recovered. I also have a friend who took her DH back after an affair many years ago and they are also still very happy now. But it needs work, penitence, and compromise. It doesn’t sound like you’re quite ready to be doing all you can.
Marriages can be salvaged after infidelity, no matter how severe. But you need to really want it, stop viewing your affair as anything aside from the huge selfish betrayal that it was, and entirely devote yourself to your husband. He’s offered you a chance at reconciliation and you need to work at it, and keep working at it. Only you know if you have the heart for it.

5pForAPlasticBag · 08/01/2021 08:04

You say you cannot afford to leave your job but can you afford to move out of the marital home and rent somewhere alone instead because that is the likely path you will tread should you insist on putting yourself in the OM’a orbit every day and your DH finds it intolerable?

Ask yourself what painful financial/lifestyle adjustments you can (should) make to show your commitment. Is your DHs mental health worth those sacrifices in your eyes? Not according to your current stance, it seems.

The trouble with transgressors like you is that you enjoy the ease with which you destroy trust but baulk at the sheer vast scale of what is needed to rebuild it. You think time alone heals all wounds, don’t you? You couldn’t be more wrong.

ivyjoy · 08/01/2021 08:47

My h had an affair. We chose to stay together and work on our marriage but only because he was willing to do what it takes to make it work. He left his job and found a new role elsewhere,is totally transparent with his devices leaving his phone laying around and so on and we took a marriage course together. I'm slowly healing from the hurt (4 months on). It wouldn't have been possible if he hadn't been willing to do everything possible on his side. You absolutely need to leave your job as soon as you can. He will never be able to trust you or heal if you are still there.

TirisfalPumpkin · 08/01/2021 08:52

I don’t think so, no. Cheating on your spouse is one of those things you’re either capable of doing, or not.

It sounds like you want to end it but for it not to be your fault. H’s request seems reasonable, but even that wouldn’t be enough for many people. Betrayal is a huge deal and, just as many of us don’t have the capacity to cheat, a lot never get past it even if they really want to.

AllTheThingsHeSaid · 08/01/2021 09:03

Hope you're ok OP.

This is going to be very very hard on your DH, but also on you. It will cause an imbalance in your relationship- you are now "the bad one"- and unless you can redress that, your relationship will not recover. It's so easy to fall into the trap of behaving that fault all falls on one side, but you do need to face and tackle the reasons why this happened. Of course you shouldn't have done it, I think you know that. But why did you feel the need?
My OH had an affair, and I decided to forgive him and move on- but it proved impossible in the end. I wasn't willing to face the fact that I too had a role in improving the relationship, because I was hurt and I felt wronged and was also very very aware that I now knew what he was capable of doing.

Dontbeme · 08/01/2021 09:20

@Oranges146

Thanks for your comments. It's not that Im being stubborn when it comes to work... I actually wouldn't want to go to work and see OM but I'm not in a financial position to up and leave it would take some time for me to find another job in a similar role so poses some further problems. I just wondered if anyone had been in a similar position or similar experiences and what the outcome was.

I was your DH in this set up and my ex spouted the same nonsense about work too, things seemed normal for a few months and then he went back to cheating with his co-worker. After all she was right there everyday, chatting and getting lunch together. The second time around completely broke me. I will never be the person I was before. So job or marriage OP, your choice but remember you already opted out of your marriage once.

AbbeyBelfast · 08/01/2021 09:38

@Oranges146

Then you struggle financially for a while and do all you can to get another job?

You seem very resistant to listen to anyone on what needs to be done, if I was your DH this would make me feel worthless. You're priorities are very very wrong.

Original poster

Oranges146 · 08/01/2021 10:36

@mandalaYogaTapestry no, no children.

I actually don't want to go back to work and see OM. But I can't just had in my notice and walk away from my career without something in place which is what I'm being asked to do. I have agreed to leave my job and have been looking and DH has seen that.

I do want things to work out with me and DH I know what a terrible mistake I have made and there are many issues that we need to work through including why this happened. I guess I'm worried if I leave my job, home, friends etc all so soon then I won't be happy and it won't work if we both aren't happy. Had anyone experienced this?

OP posts:

ExclamationPerfume · 08/01/2021 10:47

Your posts are all about you. It will never work as you are only looking out for yourself. Your husband deserves better than that.

ivyjoy · 08/01/2021 11:03

Agree with exclamationperfume. You need to put your husband first.

ivfbeenbusy · 08/01/2021 11:09

I guess I'm worried if I leave my job, home, friends etc all so soon then I won't be happy

You pretty much gave up any right to put your happiness first when you had an affair. Your posts are all about you? 🤷‍♀️

If you want your marriage to work then your husbands happiness needs to be the priority and you bend over backwards to make that happen. If you can't/won't do that then best to call it a day

Personally If I was your husband I wouldn't even contemplate starting to trust you until you were physically distanced from the OM and showed willingness to move heaven and earth to make it happen?

The impression you are giving off thus far is unenthusiastic, uncommitted and generally half arsed

borntohula · 08/01/2021 11:12

Fucking ridiculous advising OP to give up her income. As if losing money is going to improve a marriage. 🙄

Original poster

Oranges146 · 08/01/2021 11:23

I'm not being half arsed and uncommited. We've already started the process of moving house, I'm having counselling, I've told DH he can look at my phone and removed my passwords, I've been off sick since it's happened so that I can try and sort things here without having to see OM. But it just doesn't seem realistic for me to stay in the house off sick until I find another job. I do think we both need to be happy moving forwards for this to work, that doesn't mean I won't feel absolutely shit everyday for what I've done and won't try and make my DH happy. My post was asking for advice and people's experiences on how/if they've managed to moved past it, as right now Im struggling to see how this is going to get any better.

OP posts:

Twanger6 · 08/01/2021 11:24

Why do you want to make things work with your DH? That is a serious question. What made you have an affair in the first place?
There is usually a reason for it, particularly for women who rarely just have an affair because they fancy a shag, unlike men who seem to be able to fuck anything regardless of their home life.

You don’t have children so there is nothing to keep you together other than a piece of paper saying you are married. What has or will change from how things were pre affair.

If it were me in this position, I would actually reflect on why I had done this and accept that had I truly loved my partner then I wouldn’t have done it. I would leave the home at least for a period of reflection and I wouldn’t leave my job currently as that would be crazy in these times.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 08/01/2021 11:29

Personally, I would try to bide my time where your job is concerned. Understandably, your DH is feeling very upset right now and may expect decisive steps from you. By all means, keep looking for a new job- but most importantly, throw yourself into your relationship with your DH. He will feel less raw as time goes on and if he sees genuine effort towards him. I.e. attention, love, honesty. So you might need to change your job after all - if you can bear to stay in it.

But that's my perspective, I value financial stability and independence above many things.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 08/01/2021 11:33

*might not need to change your job

Katrinawaves · 08/01/2021 11:46

Unfortunately OP infidelity does ruin lives and make people unhappy. I’m more than a year post discovery of my husbands affair. We are both working on things and doing couples therapy but the marriage is much less happy than it was previously.

You caused this. The pain inflicted was all your doing. If you don’t feel that your being unhappy over the loss of this job is a price worth paying to give your husband the reassurance it needs then you have made the choice that you don’t want your marriage the recover. The most honourable thing you can do at this point is be honest with your husband about this and make your arrangements to move out and on with your career.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 08/01/2021 11:50

So the suggestion is that the cheated-on husband financially supports his unemployed cheating wife? Yes, that would certainly endear her to him 🙄

borntohula · 08/01/2021 11:50

In fact, I imagine a few of you have been in OP's DH's position which is why it's easy to say 'quit your job.' It might have made you feel better in the short term, knowing your OH wasn't around the OW every day but ultimately, a marriage is fucked after infidelity.

borntohula · 08/01/2021 11:51

(And prob BEFORE infidelity too, hence the cheating in the first place)

Laffinalltheway · 08/01/2021 11:55

Well said Twanger6.

BeeDavis · 08/01/2021 11:58

Ugh it never fails to piss me off seeing people cheating on their OH with a work colleague. It’s such a fucking cliché. Cheating altogether is bad but every affair on here seems to happen at work.

ExclamationPerfume · 08/01/2021 12:03

It gets better. So you are being paid sick pay as you are too embarrassed to go back to work.

Hawkins001 · 08/01/2021 12:03

What are or were the main factors that lead upto the affair and how long did it last ?

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