Can my marriage work after infidelity?

[Oranges146]

I'm looking for advice and people's experiences in this area. My relationship has had a lot of ups and downs but to cut a long story short I had an affair (I don't need to know what a scum bag I am, I'm already aware). I regret what's happened and what to fix my marriage which my DH really wants to do too. I just don't know how to do this, does trust and forgiveness come with time? Things have definitely ended with the OM and had done before DH found out but part of the problem is I work with OM. I can't just quit my job for financial reasons and I also love my job. Understandably DH doesn't want me to go back to work. Is there any way things can work in your experiences?

@Oranges146 yes. We were in a very long-term relationship (20 years) at the time of the first affair. I had just had our fourth dc and we limped on for 6 years until he was caught again.
He is not a bad person. I feel no I'll will against him and he was my first love but if I'm honest I never really trusted him again and he was not a happy person and was bringing me down too.
We are both happier now though and coparent well.

OPs stacking shelves will not make her husband like her enough to stay with her. It may make him feel "avenged" or like she "deserves it". But it will not change his romantic feelings for her. If he still loves her he will want to stay and work. If he doesn't, she can become an employee of the month at Poundland but it will not help him love her more.

What it will surely do though is ruin her career. So the sacrifice would be for nothing.

She can take any other job as a stop gap however

Yes, becayse jobs are so easy to get right now. And sure, she should just do anything, she deserves her career to end

Punitive and unjust. Yes she did wrong but she doesn’t need to sacrifice her career because of it.

So what if she has to work 60 hours a week stacking shelves or cleaning houses to make ends meet for a period

Why do people think supermarkets and the like are falling over themselves to give minimum wage jobs to wildly overqualified people who will clearly piss off at the earliest opportunity? You may feel these jobs are pondlife and they should be glad to have you, but to the companies these are actually vital jobs and they want people are who going to stay in them for some length of time.

This comes down to a personal choice though. You having an affair at work has already caused damage to both your marriage and your career (staying off sick for three weeks will be having an impact on your career).

You cannot continue to work with the OM and expect your marriage to heal. Your husband has already made demands about that (not unreasonable ones)

You can't expect to leave this job with nothing to go to and for your career to bounce back. It's a risk, maybe a very big one.

You have to choose what your priority it and work on damage limitation for the other but there has been a fall out and there will continue to be one for a while at least.

You need to choose what needs the most protection and move forwards from that. Only you know your life and only you can calculate risks and expectations. Imagine your life in a year without your husband, imagine life in a year without your job. What would be easier to heal from?

I wouldn’t leave your job.

I’d tell him you’re willing to leave your job and actively job hunt for ANYTHING that would pay enough to get you by and once you have an offer, leave your current job. Leaving your job and therefore your safety net without a fallback job, is a bad idea - especially in the current market.

Relationships can be fixed after someone cheats but it requires give and take on both sides. Expecting you to quit your job is understandable but he should give you time to find a new one first.

Best of luck!

Omg, 'stacking shelves' is a particularly in-demand job right now. Love the idea that because it doesn't require qualifications, it'll be easy to get. Very out of touch.

Calling yourself a 'terrible person' is a cop out. You are not terrible and yet you chose to effect a terrible action which will have wounded your husband and broken your relationship.

For the relationship to work you need work out exactly why you chose to shag a colleague knowing it would all but destroy your relationship. When you made that decision, your husband was less important to you than sex with a relative stranger. Why was that?

Thank you for all of your responses a lot have helped and given more things to think about. I do love my job and I've worked very hard all my life to get where I am. I make more than DH and I don't see how giving up my career and adding financial strain will help our marriage. I know I can't continuing where I work indefinitely and I know it's my own actions that have fucked that up. I think I will speak to DH and then my employer and go from there.

@surelynotnever

So what if she has to work 60 hours a week stacking shelves or cleaning houses to make ends meet for a period

Why do people think supermarkets and the like are falling over themselves to give minimum wage jobs to wildly overqualified people who will clearly piss off at the earliest opportunity? You may feel these jobs are pondlife and they should be glad to have you, but to the companies these are actually vital jobs and they want people are who going to stay in them for some length of time.

Becayse they want to see her punished.

@Bluntness100

I don’t agree you need to leave your job. I think that’s punitive and is going to cause further resentment. Either you’re going to shag this bloke again or you’re not. Your husband either decides to forgive and trust or doesn’t. Leaving your job changes nothing in my view.

Best advice.

I think it completely depends on the individuals.

I couldn't forget, I gave it 3 years after his affair but ended up leaving. I simply couldn't get over it. He did leave his job (ow worked in the same place), but it made no difference to me, the trust and respect had gone

I honestly think staying in this job indefinitely will undermine your marriage to the core. It will disintegrate slowly maybe, but it will disintegrate. I could not imagine the constant low level stress of knowing my husband was going to work everyday with someone he had had an affair with. I would say you have to leave your job sooner rather than later but I can assure you the only thing directing that advice is empathy for your husband and the belief that it is best for your marriage. I am not set to punish anyone.

Only if you regard temporary unskilled work as beneath you.

The reason to suggest taking any job which OP meets the minimal qualifications for as a stop gap is for her to demonstrate to her husband that she has heard listened and acted on his clearly expressed desire that she stops all contact with the OM as quickly as possible.

Holding out for an equally paid and status opportunity could take a year or more in the current climate. If she wants to repair her marriage and leaving the job with the OM is what her husband needs from her to start to heal, then she needs to look at some form of interim work whilst she looks for her next permanent role.

To the poster who thought the chances of obtaining such roles were unrealistic, my son who is home from university due to lockdown got a job shelf stacking in the local supermarket without any issues. So these roles are still out there and aren’t being earmarked for “career supermarket workers”.

• quote failed. Intended to quote the post which said this was designed as punishment

To the poster who thought the chances of obtaining such roles were unrealistic, my son who is home from university due to lockdown got a job shelf stacking in the local supermarket without any issues. So these roles are still out there and aren’t being earmarked for “career supermarket workers

Oh for goodness sake, that it because he is a student! When my husband lost his professional job in this late 40's and applied for these sort of roles he couldn't even get an interview. Quite right. They knew he'd be off as soon as he could.

Have you had any contact with your ex affair partner during your time off or have you had the urge to contact him?

@surelynotnever

To the poster who thought the chances of obtaining such roles were unrealistic, my son who is home from university due to lockdown got a job shelf stacking in the local supermarket without any issues. So these roles are still out there and aren’t being earmarked for “career supermarket workers

Oh for goodness sake, that it because he is a student! When my husband lost his professional job in this late 40's and applied for these sort of roles he couldn't even get an interview. Quite right. They knew he'd be off as soon as he could.

My son will also be off as soon as lockdown finishes back to university 300 miles away. Not following your logic here.

In any event Supermarket jobs aren’t the only jobs with minimal qualifications and experience required. They were mentioned by way of example of more commonly available roles. The OP has already said her jobs in her own role are hard to come by.

@Tier10 no I have had no contact with OM nor do I want to

My son will also be off as soon as lockdown finishes back to university 300 miles away. Not following your logic here

That's quite a way off though, isn't it? There's some certainty there. Not like someone who is likely to bog off with a better offer before you have even appointed them.

In any event Supermarket jobs aren’t the only jobs with minimal qualifications and experience required Yes but the point is, the employers want people they are likely to keep for some period of time. They don't want middle aged professionals who are 'slumming it' till the next better thing comes along. Employers actually value those jobs, unlike the middle aged professionals, who seem to regard them as worthless jobs they can easily slide in and out off at will.

Well if she isn’t even applying for them, she definitely has no chance of getting one has she!

Can’t see anywhere that the OP has said she is middle aged by the way. Nor that she’s definitely in a professional role - all she’s said is that it’s somewhat niche.

People change roles all the time. I stand by what I have said that the OP does not have to wait for a niche role to come up before she leaves her current role. She can find something temporary to bridge the gap and hand her notice in at the first job once she has got it. If she is prepared to do so for the sake of her marriage that is.

Once a cheat always a cheat. Dont get upset when he sleeps with someone else.

I agree with you katrinawaves.

You hope that your employer can get you out of this situation somehow. Failing that, you hope your husband sees it your way and agrees that quitting would be a bad idea.

I think you’ve learnt nothing. The one thing you can do to be proactive here, you won’t do. Or you’ll pretend to do half-heartedly and then give up when nothing magically appears for you.

How did your husband find out? Why did the affair end?

If your husband posted here, the advice would be for him to ‘get his ducks in a row’ and get out as soon as possible.

It's not clear - if you go back to work would you have contact with OM ? You said in one of your posts you have had no contact ?

If that is correct then maybe a conversation with your husband about going back to work and how you can stay away from OM. If it is really financially impossible for you to leave your job then presumably your husband will see it too.

From your husband's perspective, not only did you have an affair, but continued to work with (and possibly maintain contact with) OM at the same place after your affair. I can understand why he doesn't want you going back.

It's a mess - I don't think there is a clean answer.