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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out that my long term dp is still married

118 replies

AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 12:39

I got a letter through the post and confronted him about it. It is true, he is still married. He split up from his ex in 2004, i know this is true as his (adult) kids have confirmed this. She is not a UK national but is resident in the UK. She has always refused to sign the divorce papers. The only way he can get a divorce is if a bailiff serves papers on her - he tried twice in the past and she just didn't answer the door. Apparently he is trying again this week (no doubt prompted by me finding out).

It is clear to me that he is in no way in a relationship with her however, it's the lying that is getting to me.

A few years ago, I got another anonymous letter claiming something else about him - nothing as major as this - I confronted him at the time, he told me (what I thought) was the truth. I thought about ending the relationship but again, it was something in the long distant past but here is the clincher. I made him promise that he told me the absolute truth about everything. That we had a sort of amnesty whereby anything in his past that was going to come back and bite him or me was brought out into the open. He promised me there was nothing more, absolutely promised me.

And now this.

I can't even look at him now i am so pissed off. Splitting up would be a huge thing - we don't have kids together but have a massive tangle of living relationships, dogs, cars, kids who reside temporarily with us and I'm pissed off about the financial stuff as we have joint accounts at the moment which I imagine if his exw wanted to be super difficult, might be an issue.

Just wanted to get other people's opinions. I haven't been brave enough to tell any of my RL friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 12:40

btw his adult kids think they are divorced

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 05/01/2021 12:41

Who set you the letter? If he's been separated over 5 years he can proceed with a divorce even without her consent.

Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 12:42

I don't know who sent it, it's anonymous.

apparently he can't, even after 5 years. She still has to sign a form or at least have the papers acknowledged as delivered to her. The only way you can divorce without the other person acknowledging is if the judge allows it and that normally only happens if the person has moved abroad/gone missing

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 05/01/2021 12:43

Papers don't have to be delivered by a bailiff they can just be posted. To be fair it sounds as though he just couldn't be bothered to deal with a tricky situation I don't think he's committed that big of a crime but that's just me .

StephenBelafonte · 05/01/2021 12:45

You can definitely proceed without her permission get legal advise and proceed with the paperwork

Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 12:46

I did check with my own lawyer

the papers have to be acknowledged in some part. Either they need to be signed or they have to be 'served'. If she won't do either, which she won't, then they have to go to the judge to ask that he/she allows it.

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 05/01/2021 12:47

Go to the judge then Confused surely his kids know where she lives

Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 12:47

I think it's not so much the fact that he's still married but the fact that he specifically lied about it all those years ago when he had a chance to tell the truth. And he was lying about the other thing years ago too. I'm just concerned about what else he's lied about and whether I can trust him!

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 12:48

yes she still lives in the marital home. The dc think they are divorced, I guess there's no reason for them to enquire about the minutiae of it (my kids have never asked me specific questions either come to think of it).

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 05/01/2021 12:49

Most people go a lifetime without getting anonymous letters about their partners and you’ve had two! OP he is deceitful ..lied to you and his kids ..and has someone in his circle intent on stirring up trouble. I really don’t think he’s good partner material. I hear what you say about being entangled but surely that’s better than continuing to be with someone who you cannot trust.

Pinkywoo · 05/01/2021 12:50

I'd be far more interested in who was sending letters to interfere with my relationship.

Nomoresleeps · 05/01/2021 12:52

What about the finances then? He’s not still paying for the house is he?

Same4Walls · 05/01/2021 12:54

Of course he can proceed without her signing the paperwork.

I would actually be more concerned about the vindictive person sending you anonymous letters.

Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 12:55

I find the timing of the letter bizarre

the reason this had started to rear its head is that his business is in trouble and he's needed to take out a loan

I'm an accountant so obviously understand figures/banks/loans (in fact, it's my specialist area) so I volunteered to look over the numbers for him. He's been really coy about it which I thought was odd and I was starting to think he was hiding debt.

what in fact he was hiding is that he is still part paying the mortgage on the house (!) because a condition of the divorce is that she sells it - he has apparently now been pushing for it as he needs the money for his business. I knew none of this until now. We have a joint account for the house we live in but other than that, our finances are separate. Thankfully all the assets we have purchased since we've been together are in my name.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 13:00

@Pinkywoo

I'd be far more interested in who was sending letters to interfere with my relationship.
if he had told me the truth to start with, none of it would be an issue!
OP posts:
WitchWife · 05/01/2021 13:01

How long have you been together??

Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 13:07

around 5 years now

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 05/01/2021 13:09

because a condition of the divorce is that she sells it

The divorce that never happened?

Same4Walls · 05/01/2021 13:10

what in fact he was hiding is that he is still part paying the mortgage on the house (!) because a condition of the divorce is that she sells it

Sorry if im being completely dense but how can it be a condition of the divorce when there hasn't been a divorce??

mummysquasher · 05/01/2021 13:12

If she won't acknowledge divorce papers he can just get a process server. Will cost £100-200 and they provide you and the court with the proof that the papers have been served. There are loads but I can recommend these.

www.ash-process.co.uk/

I don't have any practical advice on the rest of it. But, from my experience if they lie about stuff like that they will lie about anything and everything. It is no way to live.

StephenBelafonte · 05/01/2021 13:12

I can see why he lied he's been paying for the house and using it as an investment. Now the children are no longer dependant he can easily force a sale and she knows this but instead of proceeding with the inevitable she is ahitstirring now to get back at him. She sounds vile.

reprehensibleme · 05/01/2021 13:12

I'd be worried about the legal/financial aspects if he died suddnely and is still legally married, what would happen to property, business etc.

Vitaminsss · 05/01/2021 13:14

You sound like an educated woman. You know that his story doesn’t quite add up, a judge can still essentially force a divorce, so why hasn’t he gone to court within the 16+ years since splitting?

This is a messy, sloppy situation that he clearly has no intentions of resolving - this is something that you’ll deal with as long as you stay together. There are certainly benefits to washing your hands of it and walking away from him.

For whatever reason, he wants to stay married to her. At the very least, she has the final say and he wouldn’t rock the boat. Why would you want to be with a man that prioritises his ex like this? They split 16 years ago and you’ve been together for 5, he’s had ample opportunity to deal with it if he wanted to.

Ticklytoes · 05/01/2021 13:16

You just need someone with a GoPro and a bunch of flowers or delivery box.
No bailiff required, just evidence.

You can’t serve if children are present.

Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 13:16

@reprehensibleme

I'd be worried about the legal/financial aspects if he died suddnely and is still legally married, what would happen to property, business etc.
yes I'm worried about that

thanks @mummysquasher. He has tried to have papers served twice and she refuses to answer the door. I actually think with a lockdown this now should be easier as there is nowhere for her to go !

someone may well be shit stirring, and I am guessing it is her writing me the letters but it could all have been avoided if he told me the truth from the start and I gave him absolutely carte blanche to do so. Now I look at him and wonder what else he has lied to me about if he can lie about something so fundamental. He's also been paying the mortgage on the house whilst in financial trouble with his business and paying (in some months) zero to me. Essentially i was an easier pushover and that I find really upsetting.

OP posts:
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