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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out that my long term dp is still married

118 replies

AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 12:39

I got a letter through the post and confronted him about it. It is true, he is still married. He split up from his ex in 2004, i know this is true as his (adult) kids have confirmed this. She is not a UK national but is resident in the UK. She has always refused to sign the divorce papers. The only way he can get a divorce is if a bailiff serves papers on her - he tried twice in the past and she just didn't answer the door. Apparently he is trying again this week (no doubt prompted by me finding out).

It is clear to me that he is in no way in a relationship with her however, it's the lying that is getting to me.

A few years ago, I got another anonymous letter claiming something else about him - nothing as major as this - I confronted him at the time, he told me (what I thought) was the truth. I thought about ending the relationship but again, it was something in the long distant past but here is the clincher. I made him promise that he told me the absolute truth about everything. That we had a sort of amnesty whereby anything in his past that was going to come back and bite him or me was brought out into the open. He promised me there was nothing more, absolutely promised me.

And now this.

I can't even look at him now i am so pissed off. Splitting up would be a huge thing - we don't have kids together but have a massive tangle of living relationships, dogs, cars, kids who reside temporarily with us and I'm pissed off about the financial stuff as we have joint accounts at the moment which I imagine if his exw wanted to be super difficult, might be an issue.

Just wanted to get other people's opinions. I haven't been brave enough to tell any of my RL friends.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 05/01/2021 13:56

From OP's original post

I made him promise that he told me the absolute truth about everything. That we had a sort of amnesty whereby anything in his past that was going to come back and bite him or me was brought out into the open. He promised me there was nothing more, absolutely promised me.

@ekidmxcl

Are you honestly suggesting another amnesty?

YoniAndGuy · 05/01/2021 14:04

He's comprehensively lied to you about the basic facts of your relationship and your own financial position.

Even after an 'amnesty'

He's even suggested marriage. Honestly what more will it take?

You've been utterly disrespected here.

Yes I would 100% leave him. There is no coming back from this as you MUST know what he must think of you.

Dery · 05/01/2021 14:07

“Sorry if cross posted. Provided your partner’s grounds for divorce do not require his ex- spouse to agree (e.g grounds are 5 years’ separation or unreasonable behaviour) he can apply to the courts to dispense with service see like below
www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-d13b-statement-in-support-to-dispense-with-service-of-the-divorce-dissolution-nullity-judicial-separation-petition-on-the-respondent”

This. The courts are familiar with the fact that parties will not always co-operate with legal proceedings against them. It would never be the case that - after 5 years - he could only divorce if she signed the papers or at least took delivery of them. Where a party is evading service if papers, the court will order that service is not required. So that story is also a lie. It has just suited him not to bother with divorce.

Sssloou · 05/01/2021 14:12

He has deliberately deceived you and lied to your face time and time and time again about major issues that are relevant to the core of your life.

He has used and manipulated you.

He will never come clean as he has never come clean.

He will continue to lie and deceive you for the rest of his life - that’s who he is - that’s his default.

You don’t deserve the respect of transparency in your own life.

Sssloou · 05/01/2021 14:16

I suspect that he is in major debt already.

What is your living situation - could he have a charge on the home you currently share?

Why did his marriage fail and what was his RS history in the 11 years before he met you?

CheshireCats · 05/01/2021 14:19

Your whole relationship had been founded on lies. Anyone that has so little respect for you does not deserve to be in your life.
He has been paying her/their mortgage for 16 years and not told you. And not contributed money towards your home joint expenses whilst continuing to prioritise hers. The deceit is staggering.
I can't believe there is not a way of getting a divorce in 16 years or of forcing a house sale. It looks to me very much like he hasn't wanted to do either of these things.
If someone had been this deceitful to me, it would be over - whatever apologies/ reasons he might try to convince me of wouldn't be enough. As you say, he has only come clean now because he has been forced to.
You are clearly an intelligent, financially secure person. Find a way to extricate yourself from the tricky bits of your situation and chuck him out asap.

Sssloou · 05/01/2021 14:19

I don’t think it relevant to speculate that the letter has come from his wife and is spiteful in motivation.

That’s just a distraction from the reality of the situation - that he is a deceitful liar.

You could easily interpret the anonymous letter was from any kind honest person who saw you as a victim.

Sssloou · 05/01/2021 14:24

As you say, he has only come clean now because he has been forced to.

Has he though? OP has no idea. These types only reveal what they need to. He will most likely continue to lie about stuff in the future.

I wouldn’t be hitching my waggon to a liar, spiralling into debt. You don’t owe him this safety net / or to bail him out. This will be v messy. Look out for yourself and your DCs.

SunnySideDownBriefly · 05/01/2021 14:25

This is too major to ignore. This won't be the only lie and when it's a whopper like this, I just don't see how you can get past this. There must be hundreds of small every day lies that have made this large one possible.

I can tell that you're an intelligent woman and you know in your head what you should do. You won't ever be able to trust him and that means you won't be able to love him wholly. You will resent him for small things and this will do harm to you..it will change you. You don't need to protect him - he doesn't deserve your kindness or help. This is messy and, quite frankly, below you. You know that. He has destroyed your relationship and trust all by himself and this shows a complete lack of respect.

SirGawain · 05/01/2021 14:26

@StephenBelafonte

Who set you the letter? If he's been separated over 5 years he can proceed with a divorce even without her consent.
This!! He’s stringing you along. As this poster says he can get a divorce after five years separation even without her consent.
dottiedodah · 05/01/2021 14:31

This sounds messy and complicated TBH. Also God forbid if anything were to happen to him where would that leave you? Time for a good old heart to heart .Tell him what you have told us and see what he says .

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/01/2021 15:01

None of this makes sense. He could have divorced & sold the house by now, he’s not forced by law to stay married to her or keep the house.

I’ve heard intelligent people are easier to con because once you’ve got over the initial scepticism they are less likely to disbelieve because that would mean them admitting to themselves they were wrong in the first place.

Do you think that’s what’s happened to you?.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 05/01/2021 15:04

How do you really know he's tried to serve those papers on her? Who is paying the mortgage on the other house? Was he trying to secure his business loan on her home?
Court divorce papers are deemed "served" if you get a court order. His divorce solicitor can get it sorted. It really sounds like he just can't be bothered. And using lockdown as an excuse is crap, too; there was no lockdown from 2004-2019. For me, this would be a massive sign of disrespect to me, especially the fact that he's misled you into going out with him when he's still married (I don't care how "over" it is, I don't date married men). Regardless of how their relationship is or was, it feels like he's hedging his bets.
www.diemlegal.co.uk/husband-wife-ignoring-divorce-petition/#:~:text=The%20only%20way%20to%20proceed,deemed%20to%20have%20been%20served%E2%80%9D.&text=All%20of%20this%20can%20usually,to%20serve%20the%20divorce%20petition.

tara66 · 05/01/2021 15:04

I know someone trying to divorce for over 2 years. They cannot come to an amicable arrangement regarding the finances. The party that wants the divorce completed asap will have to get a solicitor to do it and go to court which they understand is expensive/very expensive. The other party does not mind whether they are divorced or not and is dragging it out.. It is all about money. Perhaps your partner has never been able to divorce if his finances are weak.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 05/01/2021 15:05

PS I'm sorry you're caught in the middle of this Flowers

yankeedoodledandee · 05/01/2021 15:08

Splitting up would be a huge thing - we don't have kids together but have a massive tangle of living relationships, dogs, cars, kids who reside temporarily with us

I'm not sure any of those are reasons to stay together. Do people really stay with partners who blatantly lie and disrespect them because it's easier than sorting out who has the dogs and the cars Confused

soopedup · 05/01/2021 15:10

It’s been more than 15 years and he STILL hasn’t gone to a judge. Now any financial settlement is going to include you. Come on. He’s a liar. You know this. Either stop giving ultimatums and accept you’re with a deceitful/avoidant person or dump him. He’s been given chances and can’t be trusted. In my book he’s taken the absolute piss.

oakleaffy · 05/01/2021 15:10

@AnonymousLetter

I think it's not so much the fact that he's still married but the fact that he specifically lied about it all those years ago when he had a chance to tell the truth. And he was lying about the other thing years ago too. I'm just concerned about what else he's lied about and whether I can trust him!
Yes, Lies are a big red flag to most people.

Especially a habitual one. It must have come as a shock to you.

Ball's in your court now...

Dweetfidilove · 05/01/2021 15:13

I'd separate pronto so you can leave with as much as much as possible, before his divorce and failing business etc wipe you out Sad

steppemum · 05/01/2021 15:14

I'm so sorry, but I think that this is a deal breaker.

It is the deceit as you say.

Shocking really.

BlueThistles · 05/01/2021 15:17

Well his Wife is sitting pretty isn't she....

He's tied you up in his financial mess.... I'd be getting him out Flowers

Sssloou · 05/01/2021 15:17

@Dweetfidilove

I'd separate pronto so you can leave with as much as much as possible, before his divorce and failing business etc wipe you out Sad
This.
KarmaNoMore · 05/01/2021 15:21

Not
Much advise to give apart of ensuring all those joint accounts of yours are closed as soon as possible, especially before he serves the papers.

billy1966 · 05/01/2021 15:32

Oh OP,

He has been paying towards an asset that he will gain from whilst he lives off you.

Sorry but unbelievable.

He has taken you for a mug.

Calculate what money he owes you and get it from him signing over his part of anything shared.

He is a con artist.

I wouldn't trust a thing out of his mouth.

He thinks you are a mug.

Of course he has deliberately withheld this information.

The house is a huge asset for him as he and his kids use your free accommodation.

Oh please...protect yourself.Flowers