Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Just found out that my long term dp is still married

118 replies

AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 12:39

I got a letter through the post and confronted him about it. It is true, he is still married. He split up from his ex in 2004, i know this is true as his (adult) kids have confirmed this. She is not a UK national but is resident in the UK. She has always refused to sign the divorce papers. The only way he can get a divorce is if a bailiff serves papers on her - he tried twice in the past and she just didn't answer the door. Apparently he is trying again this week (no doubt prompted by me finding out).

It is clear to me that he is in no way in a relationship with her however, it's the lying that is getting to me.

A few years ago, I got another anonymous letter claiming something else about him - nothing as major as this - I confronted him at the time, he told me (what I thought) was the truth. I thought about ending the relationship but again, it was something in the long distant past but here is the clincher. I made him promise that he told me the absolute truth about everything. That we had a sort of amnesty whereby anything in his past that was going to come back and bite him or me was brought out into the open. He promised me there was nothing more, absolutely promised me.

And now this.

I can't even look at him now i am so pissed off. Splitting up would be a huge thing - we don't have kids together but have a massive tangle of living relationships, dogs, cars, kids who reside temporarily with us and I'm pissed off about the financial stuff as we have joint accounts at the moment which I imagine if his exw wanted to be super difficult, might be an issue.

Just wanted to get other people's opinions. I haven't been brave enough to tell any of my RL friends.

OP posts:

KarmaNoMore · 05/01/2021 19:11

I have met 2 guys in OLD who told me they had promised either to their ex ir their children never to marry again or even divorce to ensure the new partner didn’t get half of the inheritance, which is a dreadful thing to do considering it is the new partner who will be contributing to his standard of living and possibly providing the lion’s share of the care needed in old age.

MaxedMinataours · 05/01/2021 19:12

Yes Haff the nub of the matter.

HollowTalk · 05/01/2021 19:20

If his wife is from another country, was it just easier (in her mind) to stay married so that she had the right to remain?

Did you know beforehand that he and his ex shared a house, financially, or did you think that was sorted out years ago in the divorce?

TatianaBis · 05/01/2021 19:21

What was the other anonymous letter about OP?

LatentPhase · 05/01/2021 19:47

I think the fact that the ex is ‘a difficult person’ who the kids don’t like, is making you waver as to the fuckwittery of this coward. It’s making you err on the side of ‘stability’ except, there is no ‘stability’ with him.

You’re clearly intelligent. You know what to do. I’m sorry though, it’s shit. But better aged 50 then on brink of retirement.

BlueThistles · 05/01/2021 20:23

it's a simple Con... live for free at the expense of everyone else... give token payments.. win/win

Get rid OP

Bouledeneige · 05/01/2021 21:04

Going against the grain here but I don't think it's that much of a big deal if the relationship is otherwise good. Divorces are a lot of work to sort out and someone being recalcitrant and difficult could be so frustrating that I can imagine your DP just shoving it out of mind. Maybe he's been conning himself by believing it's done. Sure he should have told you everything when you offered an amnesty - but maybe that was emasculating for him - to admit he hadn't manage to sort it all out.

BlueThistles · 05/01/2021 21:13

@Bouledeneige

by still paying the mortgage for 15 years and bills ... that's slightly more different from just putting it out of his mind 🌺

FinallyHere · 05/01/2021 21:32

Divorces are a lot of work to sort out

It's really no longer about the divorce: the first time OP spotted some inconsistencies she offered an amnesty so long as he told her everything.

At that point, he still failed to mention that he was still married. He mentioned them getting married and still didn't think to mention oh, ooops, I'm actually still married.

Its the lying that is the problem, rather than anything else. OP offered an amnesty a while back. That's something you can't really do more than once without admitting - I'll put up with anything.

Those lies meant that OP supported him by providing a home when he claimed to have no money, while he continued to pay the mortgage on a house he doesn't live it.

It really doesn't sound like a basis for moving forward together.

SortingItOut · 05/01/2021 21:45

You do need to get legal advice as your assets will be counted in his divorce as you live together and have done for a while.

Definitely get seperating those joint accounts now.
I would even be making him leave and rent somewhere.

Divorce where one party doesnt co-operate is easily resolved and relatively cheap,my friend spent approx £3k to locate her ex and after numerous court hearings and an order for his address to be disclosed by DWP the ex husband still refused to co-operate (3 extra hearings to give him a chance to turn up) so judge made order for divorce and financial consent and ex has lost everything as my friend could prove she was the main earner and had paid all the bills for years, if he had engaged with the process he may have got 30% value of the house.

He has lied for a reason, and continues to keep lying.
Once a liar, always a liar.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/01/2021 21:48

He's lied on more than one occasion

Trust your instincts here OP

Protect yourself financially for goodness sake

tara66 · 06/01/2021 00:12

I know a case of a solicitor who forged someone's divorce documents - I guess he found it all too much trouble. He got an 18 month suspended sentence.

yankeedoodledandee · 06/01/2021 08:49

@Bouledeneige

What the fuck did I just read

Sunflowergirl1 · 06/01/2021 08:49

@SortingItOut

You do need to get legal advice as your assets will be counted in his divorce as you live together and have done for a while.

Since when in this country has a persons legal assets be counted in with their partners if they are not married? That is the subject of many threads on MN exactly because many (mainly women) live with partners and have kids and have no call on the house or their partners assets.

Luckily the Op is only at risk of having some joint accounts for bills which is easily resolved.

As @Collaborate and @PRH often say, getting advice from ransoms on Mumsnet is dangerous

gannett · 06/01/2021 10:08

@Haffdonga

Why?

Just why would he lie? What is the actual benefit to him of misleading you?

It sounds as though you would have been tolerant if he'd explained right at the start, or later at the 'amnesty' that he couldn't get divorced. I feel if you can identify what he exactly he gained from his lies (money?) then you have the measure of the man.

This is the question I kept coming back to. His situation is, while not ideal, understandable - and it sounds like OP would have understood. So either he's been very foolish in not trusting her back when she gave the amnesty, or more conniving.

I don't necessarily think the evidence points to him being a conniving CF - but stupidity that breaks trust in this fashion is still something there's not much coming back from.

I'd be mostly livid with whoever is stirring the pot with anonymous letters.

tara66 · 06/01/2021 10:47

Sunflower - regarding someone who lives with you for 2 years but you are not married to you - I have researched this matter about what claims they may have to your estate such as a house - if you die and they can make a claim if they do not have anywhere else to live and they have not been provided for. I think I saw it on Citizen's Advice and Which Wills sites. This concerns me as the children of a man who dies but has lived with someone in his house for over 2 years could lose the house to that person.

SortingItOut · 06/01/2021 14:39

@Sunflowergirl1
Since forever....I'm not talking about unmarried partners splitting and the woman (generally) being left with nothing, I'm talking about one in a relationship getting divorced while living with a partner.

A friend was in this situation and was advised by her own solicitor not to let her new partnet live with her until his divorce was sorted and it has also been mentioned on threads on here.

Its all to do with where his money has been spent and whether he has gained any kind of assets not in his name

Landofthefree · 06/01/2021 15:35

@AnonymousLetter he’s lied repeatedly. That’s all you need to know - you can’t trust him at all.

Splitting up isn’t really that complicated if you aren’t married and you own the home you live in. He can find somewhere else to live with his children.

Your solicitor was right in suggesting that he’s a conman.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5