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Original poster

Just found out that my long term dp is still married

118 replies

AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 12:39

I got a letter through the post and confronted him about it. It is true, he is still married. He split up from his ex in 2004, i know this is true as his (adult) kids have confirmed this. She is not a UK national but is resident in the UK. She has always refused to sign the divorce papers. The only way he can get a divorce is if a bailiff serves papers on her - he tried twice in the past and she just didn't answer the door. Apparently he is trying again this week (no doubt prompted by me finding out).

It is clear to me that he is in no way in a relationship with her however, it's the lying that is getting to me.

A few years ago, I got another anonymous letter claiming something else about him - nothing as major as this - I confronted him at the time, he told me (what I thought) was the truth. I thought about ending the relationship but again, it was something in the long distant past but here is the clincher. I made him promise that he told me the absolute truth about everything. That we had a sort of amnesty whereby anything in his past that was going to come back and bite him or me was brought out into the open. He promised me there was nothing more, absolutely promised me.

And now this.

I can't even look at him now i am so pissed off. Splitting up would be a huge thing - we don't have kids together but have a massive tangle of living relationships, dogs, cars, kids who reside temporarily with us and I'm pissed off about the financial stuff as we have joint accounts at the moment which I imagine if his exw wanted to be super difficult, might be an issue.

Just wanted to get other people's opinions. I haven't been brave enough to tell any of my RL friends.

OP posts:
GypsyLee · 05/01/2021 15:36

He's a liar, get rid. How can you trust him with anything.
He obviously didn't want a divorce enough. Trouble with money and his business? ffs get out of there, surely you aren't going to stay with him?

normalmumandwife · 05/01/2021 15:40

I'm pretty staggered reading your story and the utter wholesale deception. I'm so sorry for you. The deception alone would be enough to finish it off.

Aside from all the other issues around getting divorced, he would also need to reach a financial agreement resulting in a consent order. If she isn't going to cooperate he will start incurring huge legal costs as well as probably years of grief. If he doesn't get a consent order he risks being financially tied to her for years. Does he have any assets aside from the house, such as a pension.

Deception aside can you really live with all this going on as it sounds very difficult.

I think it is time to end this and be grateful the assets are in your name

KatherineJaneway · 05/01/2021 15:44

I'd think there was another reason he hasn't pushed on with a divorce. If he lied for so long about not being married, what else has he lied about?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/01/2021 15:51

My solicitor ... did quietly ask whether I was sure I wasn't living with some sort of conman

I can't say I blame her since the whole situation's a complete farce, but the point is you now know at least some of it (there'll be more of course)

So what's your bottom line? At what point are you prepared to simply chuck him out?

DingerDoo · 05/01/2021 16:03

I think you want to end the relationship, and you want us to validate it for you

MaxedMinataours · 05/01/2021 16:23

I felt a bit sick reading your thread OP, so god only knows how you’re feeling. I’d see a solicitor about how to protect yourself financially and any ramifications. A man sponging off me when he is financing a property asset on the side would be disgusting to me by the way. He’s losing his business, so big potential for parasitic behaviour as well as the lies - a top time for you to move on.

ExConstance · 05/01/2021 16:27

There are various; ways to serve papers as detailed in the thread but if all else fails the court can make an order to dispense with service, if you can show she is giving him the runaround.

PurpleMustang · 05/01/2021 16:35

If he is genuine (not a conman and does want to stay with you) your immediate problem is that if he dies she is his next of kin. And that may mean medical decisions aswell. He needs to get to a solicitor ASAP and make a will and a medical will while this is sorted. He has behaved ridiculously, what if he had died and she had come looking for her share

blalalala · 05/01/2021 16:37

You are right to be upset. This is not something that can be excused as a person who does not do detail or paperwork. As others have said, protect yourself.

normalmumandwife · 05/01/2021 16:40

@MaxedMinataours
She doesn't need a solicitor as all assets are hers in her name

ScrapThatThen · 05/01/2021 16:47

Don't swallow it. He's strung you along. How can you believe any future commitment. Best case scenario he's unbearably passive and finds it easier not to acknowledge things that will make you upset, so lies for an easy life.

MaxedMinataours · 05/01/2021 16:51

Yep normal but OP herself concerned about joint accounts. Hopefully no other complications ...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/01/2021 17:09

He’s losing his business, so big potential for parasitic behaviour as well as the lies

Absolutely, yes. Any day now there'll probably be a request for a loan - with the promise, of course, that this will guarantee him sorting his situation out

Since this has motivated even a solicitor to suggest a con, I'd suggest there's little doubt left

Geppili · 05/01/2021 17:18

LTB

tara66 · 05/01/2021 17:19

Did he originally ever say to you the actual words ''I am divorced'' when you first met? Or did you ever ask him ''Are you divorced?'' and the answer was ''Yes'' - then you must assume he has lied to you. But if the matter has always been fudged by both of you through the years then I would say he has not lied to you.

HollowTalk · 05/01/2021 17:20

I think the older you get the more important money is, really. He is living off you now (and yes, I'm sorry his business is suffering with the pandemic, but he's choosing you to pay rather than his ex) - can you imagine being 60 and discovering something else, then 70?

I don't think it's his wife who's contacting you. It's not in her interests for you to find out he's still married. She's hardly harbouring any idea that he'll come back to her, is she?

If you've had two warnings, I would think they're from the same person, and that is someone who is on your side, not his. They are clearly frustrated that you don't know the truth.

HollowTalk · 05/01/2021 17:22

What was the other thing you discovered?

unfortunateevents · 05/01/2021 17:34

Do you genuinely think his (almost adult) children think they are divorced? If his wife has been this uncooperative and spiteful over a long number of years I can't believe that it would not have come out in conversation at some point. If they have believed that to be the case, it is going to come out now that he has misled them as well (although to be fair that would seem to be both parents) - how do you think they are going to react?

RoseTintedAtuin · 05/01/2021 17:48

Wow! There are absolutely no words... the deceit, the enormity of the lie kept up for so long, the consequences for both of you. At the very least I would start to extract my finances from him, close the joint account etc. Get it very clear who owns what and consult your lawyer about his claim over any assets (common law marriage? But he’s already married... I don’t know). I don’t think I would be able to let go of my anger and trust would be decimated. But you’ve said splitting would be complex and so if you wanted to work through it I would say you will probably require help (counselling). The thing is someone who can maintain a lie that big for so long from someone so close will be skilled in saying all of the right things without really taking any responsibility... he’s had so much practice. I really hope it works out for you Flowers. Please protect yourself financially at least.

HollowTalk · 05/01/2021 17:51

@RoseTintedAtuin There is no such thing as a common law marriage.

Haffdonga · 05/01/2021 17:55

Why?

Just why would he lie? What is the actual benefit to him of misleading you?

It sounds as though you would have been tolerant if he'd explained right at the start, or later at the 'amnesty' that he couldn't get divorced. I feel if you can identify what he exactly he gained from his lies (money?) then you have the measure of the man.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/01/2021 18:50

Just why would he lie? What is the actual benefit to him of misleading you?

Perhaps because he enjoys the benefits OP's lifestyle brings him, and sees an opportunity - which has already started - for her to fund him?

HollowTalk · 05/01/2021 18:55

I think he's probably one of those guys who sticks his head in the sand and tries to pretend things aren't happening.

BlueThistles · 05/01/2021 19:02

Enjoying the financial security and comfortable life with OP whilst still paying his own share of the family house with his Wife... thus reaping the benefit of still owning half that property... what a cheeky sod

BornIn78 · 05/01/2021 19:06

So you are housing and feeding him and his adult kids, while he pays the mortgage on a home he still owns with his wife, but none of them are giving you a penny.

He can’t get divorced because “he can’t serve the papers”.

You’ve had not one, but two anonymous letters in the 5 years you’ve been together, uncovering your DP’s lies.

Honestly, this sounds like the start of one of the many conman podcasts I enjoy listening to.

Get rid of him.