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Original poster

Just found out that my long term dp is still married

118 replies

AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 12:39

I got a letter through the post and confronted him about it. It is true, he is still married. He split up from his ex in 2004, i know this is true as his (adult) kids have confirmed this. She is not a UK national but is resident in the UK. She has always refused to sign the divorce papers. The only way he can get a divorce is if a bailiff serves papers on her - he tried twice in the past and she just didn't answer the door. Apparently he is trying again this week (no doubt prompted by me finding out).

It is clear to me that he is in no way in a relationship with her however, it's the lying that is getting to me.

A few years ago, I got another anonymous letter claiming something else about him - nothing as major as this - I confronted him at the time, he told me (what I thought) was the truth. I thought about ending the relationship but again, it was something in the long distant past but here is the clincher. I made him promise that he told me the absolute truth about everything. That we had a sort of amnesty whereby anything in his past that was going to come back and bite him or me was brought out into the open. He promised me there was nothing more, absolutely promised me.

And now this.

I can't even look at him now i am so pissed off. Splitting up would be a huge thing - we don't have kids together but have a massive tangle of living relationships, dogs, cars, kids who reside temporarily with us and I'm pissed off about the financial stuff as we have joint accounts at the moment which I imagine if his exw wanted to be super difficult, might be an issue.

Just wanted to get other people's opinions. I haven't been brave enough to tell any of my RL friends.

OP posts:
wifterwafter · 05/01/2021 13:17

First thing to do is close your joint account with him and separate any other joint finances.

StephenBelafonte · 05/01/2021 13:17

Oh. So he's been paying into his investment whilst living with you for free then 😊

Ticklytoes · 05/01/2021 13:20

Good that you have recognised that he’s a big fat liar.

I’d ditch him.

Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 13:20

thanks everyone - I really do appreciate everyone's viewpoints

I have always tried to be an upfront and honest person and I find deception hard to handle. I'm now nearly 50 and honestly can't be doing with this nonsense. Whilst I can say these things all privately, if I had to tell say a work colleague or a friend what is going on, I think they would be absolutely horrified and would actually worry that this man was some kind of con artist who has used the situation to get a nice living position and someone who supported them whilst times were tough. I may be harshly judging dp by saying that, but I know that is what a 3rd party would say if they looked at my situation in the cold.

When I called my solicitor to ask about the legal steps to a divorce (I'm divorced myself), she did quietly ask whether I was sure I wasn't living with some sort of conman and it has planted a seed in my mind sadly.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 05/01/2021 13:22

I would be very wary of someone who lies repeatedly.

You gave him an honest chance to come clean.
He didn't.

You sound like a bright woman.

He has shown you who he is. Twice.

Flowers
Ticklytoes · 05/01/2021 13:22

What advise would you give to a friend is she told you the whole story?

Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 13:22

:)

only when his business started failing. To be fair, up to that point, he did contribute. But after that, it's now clear that his other commitments were more important than our joint ones.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 13:23

thanks for the flowers, I do find this really upsetting x

if a friend told me, I would tell her to run for the hills! Life is too short!

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 05/01/2021 13:25

And now his ex wife is being super spiteful because she knows she's gonna have to sell.

A question for you - how do you think his ex wife even knows that all of this is an issue with you and him?

RantyAnty · 05/01/2021 13:25

How long has he not been paying his fair share at yours?

ekidmxcl · 05/01/2021 13:26

I think now is the time to sit down with him and say:

  1. final lying/omission amnesty is right now. Anything future that comes to light means an end to the relationship

  2. the divorce must be sorted now. He needs to push it through in any way possible. Perhaps his wife is threatening to reveal info etc. Did he cheat on her? Why did that marriage end in (fake) divorce?

  3. he needs to come clean about all business stuff and finances. Since you are skilled in this area, he needs to show you everything. Then you can sort this out.

If he cannot/will not then tell him that’s it.

Ticklytoes · 05/01/2021 13:27

Then take your own advise lady!!
He has a home, he’s still married, he can claim his rights to live in the marital home.

LopsidedWombat · 05/01/2021 13:27

Oh that's so infuriating as they are fairly major yet pointless lies that he could have told you early in your relationship. Would make me question what else he is/would be willing to lie about, plus he's been forced to tell you rather than of his own volition which makes it worse. I'd also want to know who on earth are sending the letters! Is it his ex? I assume he could confirm this by checking the handwriting. In any case someone wants to get him in trouble with you. Who and why?

I know there will be people who will question the fact he's married but as someone who has in the past postponed divorce for complicated reasons, it doesn't automatically mean there's still feelings for the ex. However, the difference being I did tell my DP the ins and outs very early in our relationship and have since managed to get the divorce.

Before you try and decide what you want to do about all this I think you need to do some digging and find out if there's anything else he's hiding so you make fully informed decisions.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/01/2021 13:29

Oof, so he's a cocklodger and a liar! I think this would be a dealbreaker for me OP, I'm sorry.

Nomoresleeps · 05/01/2021 13:30

Has he been paying the mortgage for a house he doesn’t live in for 16 years?

And fair enough, he found it difficult to divorce her, but couldn’t manage it in 16 years!

Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 13:30

@StephenBelafonte

And now his ex wife is being super spiteful because she knows she's gonna have to sell.

A question for you - how do you think his ex wife even knows that all of this is an issue with you and him?

I think via his kids and his mother. Apparently the wife saw his mother over Xmas and one of the dc too. I think it's fairly public knowledge that his business is doing badly given it's linked to hospitality.

just fyi re the spiteful comment, one of his kids refuses to go back and stay with their mother when they aren't at university because they find her so difficult. This child didn't go back over Xmas either. I get the impression (from the dc) that she is v spiteful and difficult.

(but doesn't excuse him lying!)

OP posts:
Weirdfan · 05/01/2021 13:31

It must feel like you're between a rock and a hard place OP, splitting brings all the hassle of separating everything, not to mention the emotional upset and upheaval so I doubt that feels like an easy option. But the alternative is having to live with someone you don't trust and having all the worry of what might come back to bite him (and therefore you) in the future and for me that would be even harder.

You could try to separate/get in order as much financial/legal stuff as possible (push him to sort divorce, disentangle any finances and legally protect your assets/position) and carry on if that's what you want but I don't think there are any guarantees there won't be something else unexpected popping up at some point.

Can you live like that? Whatever his reasons he has been/is deceitful and it's obviously something he's comfortable with, I guess you have to decide whether that's something you can tolerate in a partner or not Flowers

SpaceOp · 05/01/2021 13:37

The thing is that the lie IS a big one. You say you have joint ownership of the house. Does he have a will? Because otherwise, if he dies, half of your house will now belong to her surely? I mean, basically, she's his next of kin and that brings all kinds of legal ramifications as necessary down the line. I would consider this a major lie and huge betrayal.

I'd also want to be avoiding the drama. Someone sending you secret letters etc is just a red flag for things being messed up and the last thing you want is to get in the middle or get drawn into this.

And frankly, if he's been paying for this house, secretly, while his business is struggling and you've been funding him that is ALSO a huge betrayal.

I'm sorry OP. I don't think I could get past this.

Nomoresleeps · 05/01/2021 13:38

Do you have plans to marry yourselves?

TeeBee · 05/01/2021 13:40

Oh he's a deceitful twat, get shot. You won't trust him now anyway.

Original poster
AnonymousLetter · 05/01/2021 13:40

@Nomoresleeps

Do you have plans to marry yourselves?
No, no plans to marry (though he has mentioned it to me in the past so I can only now conclude he was saying that to try and keep me sweet knowing full well he couldn't marry me!)
OP posts:
litterbird · 05/01/2021 13:43

Firstly, did he obtain a legal separation? This is the least he could have done. If no legal separation his wife can get into enormous debt and your partner is liable. Personally I would get out of any joint accounts for now. His wife is able to claim money in any account that he has. On the plus side he has a right to half the proceeds of the house sale....that is.....if his wife hasn't remortgaged over the years with your partners consent? Have you asked that? I would be furious, upset and downright pissed off with any one who would keep such an important bit of information from you. If your partner dies suddenly his wife gets all his assets. This is a mad situation that needs to be dealt with immediately. Then you need to think clearly how to proceed with your DP. He is clearly comfortable to deceive you constantly. BIG RED FLAG.

MrsAudreyShapiro · 05/01/2021 13:48

It has come as a big shock, but I think you know you have no future with this man.

He has lied to you for years, your entire relationship, about the divorce, the mortgage and who knows what else. He mislead or outright lied to his own children about their parents' divorce. You can't trust him. That's no basis for a friendship, let alone a relationship.

Bills2pay · 05/01/2021 13:54

Sorry if cross posted. Provided your partner’s grounds for divorce do not require his ex- spouse to agree (e.g grounds are 5 years’ separation or unreasonable behaviour) he can apply to the courts to dispense with service see like below
www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-d13b-statement-in-support-to-dispense-with-service-of-the-divorce-dissolution-nullity-judicial-separation-petition-on-the-respondent

FinallyHere · 05/01/2021 13:54

his other commitments were more important than our joint ones.

I'm so sorry OP.

It must be so hard having all this unravel.

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