Leaving Dp off birth certificate?

[Cyber27]

I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to not add my 3mo fathers name to his birth certificate. Has anyone else been in a similar situations and what would you do.

Here's some back ground information. Me and dp have been together for about 2.5 years. The relationship has been quite difficult and I have tried to leave several times but always end up forgiving dp.

During my pregnancy dp messed up quite bad (won't go into details but it involved dp breaking some of my things). I went away for a month or so and stayed with family. I forgave him and we decided to try and make things work for the sake of our child.

Since then many of the things dp promised to do/change he hasn't done and I feel the relationship is coming to an end for good.

2 weeks before Christmas I dumped him and took ds and stayed at my parents for a week as I didn't like the way he was speaking to/treating ds. Like an idiot I went back to him as I wanted to give ds at least one Christmas where his family were together.

My parents are adamant I should leave dp off the birth certificate and only add him once he can prove he is a responsible loving parent. The only reason dp is currently not on birth certificate is because we are waiting for our appointment later in January due to covid delaying registering. Had ds birth been registered straight after he was born dp would probably have been added to the birth certificate.

My main reason for wanting to leave him off is because I have no doubt if things go south between me and dp he will try to get custody. Dp has also asked that I write up and sign a formal agreement and take it to a lawyer basically stating that I will never take ds out of the country permenantly without dp permission even if we split. Dp has already stated he would not give permission.

This is a problem for me as I have lots of family abroad who have offered for me to move to their countries (although I'm not planning to). I intend on getting a nursing degree in the next few years and employment and education opportunities abroad seem very enticing. Sometimes I think I could give ds a much better life abroad.

Being adopted myself and having never seen my original birth certificate the idea that a fathers name should be on a birth certificate feels quite morally important to me (except in abusive situations obvs) . I know if I do not add it dp will feel severely betrayed and I fear he may try to take some sort of legal action in the future. I also worry that by not adding him it will remove any trust we have left between us and make co parenting a lot harder with dp. He will never trust me in the future. however I also feel that if we do split for good I would limiting my opportunities massively by adding dp name. Dp can often be quite irrational and paranoid and I worry that he will come out with all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to control mine and ds life after we split if his name is on birth certificate.

What do I do? I really worry that his family (who i get along with nicely and are very supportive) will see this as some sort of total betrayal and that i would be denying that dp is the father even though we all know he is and I would never try to convince anyone he wasn't.

@Cyber27

Please do start a thread in relationships. People are much nicer and more balanced over there. I am so sorry you have had some horrible comments on this thread. Nobody should be victim blamed when they say they are being abused.

@CrotchBurn

I totally understand your position.

But I still think it's a fucked up thing to do.

Well, so is threatening to cover your newborn with boiling water...

Oh, yes, do give the baby just your surname. Do not double barrel.

@Cyber27 I mean this with great respect. I think the big issue here is you keep going back. I know that's hard but I think you need to seek support for the reasons why you do. The info you've given (let alone what you haven't) and the fact you are feeling a need to leave a child's father off your child's historical record/identification means the real issue is the relationship. The birth certificate issue is a very far second issue to your being with this man.

I'm torn about birth certificate. Tbh he is your child's dad and with a DNA test honestly it's not like you can prevent what will happen legally. You chose to have a baby with him, despite knowing all this. Though I can also see all the red flags.

I think you should see a lawyer and get counselling.

I don't think you're being fair to your child tbh. A blank space next to their fathers name is a heavy weight to carry .....

Regarding contact then whether they're on the birth certificate or not if they want contact they'll get it via a court.

In your shoes I'd behave like an adult, put him on the birth certificate and go down the contact centre route if he bothers to go for access.

@Cyber27

It is, Itthink I might have to call up parents. Gonna start a thread in relationships I think

That is an excellent idea @Cyber27. Ask for help and advice to leave this awful abusive man.

He:
Smashes your possessions
Smashes your phone to prevent you calling for help
Threatens to throw your tiny baby off a 9th floor balcony
Threatens to pour boiling water on your tiny baby

This is a man you need to leave ASAP. This is not a man who should be added to your child's BC and given PR. He is a dangerous abuser and it is in your child's best interests to not have this man named on his BC.

Please also speak to Women's Aid and get proper advice from people who know how this works and have knowledge of the law.

As this is AIBU you will continue to get people tell you a man who threatens to kill your baby should be given PR for your baby. Don't listen to them, speak to Women's Aid and get advice and help to leave.

[quote Cyber27]@Coseynightin this is a man who threatened to throw my baby off a 9th floor balcony, throw him down the garbage chute, put him in a bin and pour boiling water on him, all said as a joke apparently. Am i still selfish for wanting him to not have automatic parental responsibility??? I might be a total utter idiot but your heads in the clouds. Did it ever occur to you that sometimes babies happen accidently?[/quote]
I rest my case.
He stays off the bc.

@Irisheyesrsmiling

No , the problem here is that the baby daddy is an abusive piece of shit.... but nice turning it around to blame the op. You disgust me.

A lot of BS on this thread. It doesn't say "father unknown" on birth certificates, it's just left blank. The fact that a child clearly has a biological father is irrelevant for birth certificate purposes. Putting your DP on the birth certificate also won't make you any more likely to get maintenance, so there's really nothing in it for you or DS. All it would do is give a malicious ex partner the ability to mess with your life with frivolous legal demands for custody and refusals to let you take your child abroad. The latter might seem trivial now, but throwing away your potential ability to emigrate would be really unwise in this age of diminished rights for British passport holders. You need to focus on maximising your autonomy and opportunities, and putting this idiot on the birth certificate limits both, for no good reasons.

Good luck OP. It's tough when you're stuck between a controlling yet neglectful partner and bunch of arguing relatives all telling you what to do. I've been there.

I wish you the very best @Cyber27. It's a difficult situation. Stay safe!

[quote Cyber27]@Coseynightin this is a man who threatened to throw my baby off a 9th floor balcony, throw him down the garbage chute, put him in a bin and pour boiling water on him, all said as a joke apparently. Am i still selfish for wanting him to not have automatic parental responsibility??? I might be a total utter idiot but your heads in the clouds. Did it ever occur to you that sometimes babies happen accidently?[/quote]
You need to leave right now. Don't save up, don't tell him you're leaving, just go. Go to your parents and call the police. Tell the police these threats from your post and ask for a restraining order. Don't answer the door if he comes around. He is dangerous.

Your baby is 3 months old and he won't make it to his first birthday if you stay with this horrific man.

And obviously, don't put him on the birth certificate.

An unpopular view but I don't think any boyfriend should ever be on any child's birth certificate. Only if you're married to the father.

This is a man you need to leave ASAP. This is not a man who should be added to your child's BC and given PR. He is a dangerous abuser and it is in your child's best interests to not have this man named on his BC.

Please also speak to Women's Aid and get proper advice from people who know how this works and have knowledge of the law.

As this is AIBU you will continue to get people tell you a man who threatens to kill your baby should be given PR for your baby. Don't listen to them, speak to Women's Aid and get advice and help to leave.

This is really good advice.

@Azerothi I totally agree with you

@Cyber27
"... hadn't considered that. How likely is it for a man with severe mental health problems, lack of responsibility with previous child in previous relationship, no job and a weed smoker that he could get some sort of custody agreement?"

Why oh why did you even look at such a loser, never mind procreate?
Mind boggles.

@awwkkwwaard

The child will not be able to easily change their name later on, until at least 16 years old, without the consent of both parents

Rubbish. My DS name was changed aged 5 when I remarried. His biological father was on the birth certificate but we weren't married - he had no say in the name change (which was done by a solicitor).

No this isn’t legal and name changes need consent of all with PR or a court order.

So OP it’s best to give your child your surname on registration.

I don't think you're being fair to your child tbh. A blank space next to their fathers name is a heavy weight to carry .....

So is an abusive father.

Regarding contact then whether they're on the birth certificate or not if they want contact they'll get it via a court.

They'd have to prove paternity first. And with courts etc being delayed due to COVID, that would free OP of having to have anything to do with the abusive git for quite a while, in all likelihood. And the father may not have the time or resources financially to chase this, which may remove the issue altogether.

I don't see why women are expected to put morality over common sense just to smooth the path of their abuser. Why the hell wouldn't she throw up every roadblock she possibly can?

You know the reason the dad has to be there to be included on the birth certificate unless married to the mother? Because the courts would hate for a guy to be named someone's father on just a woman's say so. The law favours the bloke. If a woman can use it to her advantage, why the hell can't she?

*shouldn't she

FGS do not ask randomer on the net about it. Go to a family law specialist solicitor and see what they say (which will be do NOT put him on the bc).

It's nothing to do with family history and blood. With a potentially abusive father it is EVERYTHING to do with what the law is.

@FraggleShingleBellRock - I had not read the update from the @Cyber27 and updated before I even did because I sent my message too soon. I've now also read the update!!!!!

@Cyber27 having just read your update. Please seek immediate support from a refuge, police, social services whatever you need. This is so so so unsafe for you and baby. Best of luck. Definitely don't put on bc just to give you more time at the very least. Will be thinking of you.

@Azerothi

An unpopular view but I don't think any boyfriend should ever be on any child's birth certificate. Only if you're married to the father.

me neither.

Again. I am only basing this on professional experience. But what do I( know

(11 years experience. But never mind).,

Silly me, I thought a birth certificate was a legal document that was used to register and document the birth if a child, including naming both parents(if both known), not whether to include the father depending on whether or not you get in/still together

@Tempusfudgeit

A birth certificate is a statement of biological fact which your child deserves to have.

A birth certificate is not just a statement of fact. Putting a father on the BC also gives them PR.

Leaving an abusive father off the BC is giving a gift to a child, it stops that abusive father from screwing both the child and mother over.

If the father steps up he can be added later. and in this case, there are indications he won't step up, especially if what the ex says is true.

OP, don't add him to the BC, and don't double barrel the surnames, his can be added later if he proves himself.

But some of that is for the future. Right now, the most worrying thing is that you describe him as irrational and paranoid. If he is on the birth certificate, in the eyes of the law he has every right to take your baby, decide not to give him back and you would find yourself in a court to have to sort it out Do NOT hand an irrational, paranoid abuser that power. It is absolutely 100% not in your baby's best interests while they are this small. Protect your baby right now, legally, from him having any power.

OP, I also agree with this. I've seen a few threads over the last year or so where mothers are struggling to have babies returned to them. The police will NOT intervene to give a baby back if the father has PR.

I think the idea that a birth certificate should always record the father's name is a leftover from the days when birth and baptismal certificates were the main written proof of parentage. For all those who say a child has the right to have his or her father's name on the birth certificate, what about the potential upset caused by seeing the name of someone who cared nothing about you or was even abusive?

If you leave your baby's father's name off the birth certificate, that does not mean you will not be able to give all the information your son might want to know about his father when he is old enough to want to know. Of course the baby's father does have the option of going to court to have his name added but there is no need for you to add his name automatically.

Realunicorn - your post was really powerful. What your daughter said was lovely.

Social services will become involved if you don’t leave him. You said wouldnt social services come involved. Only if you don’t leave.

You need to leave ASAP.