Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

If he divorces you does that put him in charge of the timeline though and will it delay things?

As you can evidence the length of time separated how can he prevent you divorcing on those terms?

He is the one unnecessarily dragging out the process, which in turn incurs additional lawyer and court fees.

Seems very unfair to me that you should pay for this.

He must be a very bitter and angry man.

jamais, I thought it was you who started divorce proceedings. How come he's now trying to bring new proceedings if the current ones have already been going for so long?

How come he's now trying to bring new proceedings

I'm only guessing, but I'd imagine that he is the sort of person who can never accept that he is in the wrong.

At first he just resisted the divorce.

Now it's become a reality anyway, the only way he can square that for himself is to decide that a divorce is actually what he deserved and wanted all along. He must therefore divorce her and put all the blame on her.

If it were not so pathetic, it might even seem funny how closely he follows the pattern we can see in other abusers.

From Wikipedia

DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender". It refers to a reaction that alleged perpetrators of wrongdoing, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.

@FinallyHere has got it exactly right.

I had to wait for 2 years living apart to file for divorce on those grounds as he refused an amicable divorce and refused to agree to the divorce when we first went to court.

He can't bear to be left or to be in the wrong.

So now he is counter-attacking and filing for divorce for fault. It will be the same procedure, just not at least there is no question that we both want to divorce.

I was half expecting it, just don't really understand why he waited this long... I think he was still thinking I would get over myself and go back to him when I had seen what life was like outside the marriage - whereas of course the opposite has happened and now I can't believe I stayed and dithered so long!

But he can't deny you have been separated and it's not amicable so how can he stop you divorcing him?

whereas of course the opposite has happened and now I can't believe I stayed and dithered so long!

Delighted to hear it @jamaisjedors

Living well is your reward for all that you have been put through. Such an inspiration for everyone who is not happy with their current situation

Surely the judge will be able to see through all his nonsense, with everything so well documented throughout the separation and divorce period. It won't be the first time they have had to deal with vindictive men pulling all sorts of stunts just to punish the wife who has the temerity to not want to be married anymore.

I'm praying to the Gods of common sense that your Judge will throw out his counter claim.

It's a weird system. If there are 2 competing petitions for divorce, the at fault one is examined first. If that is rejected, my petition (2 years separation[ will be automatically accepted. So they both become part of the divorce procedure.

@RobertsRadio I am praying the judge is sensible and has seen this before too. I think it is worth my lawyer pointing all of this out.

Last time around, exH asked for "damages" because I had hidden my address from him, which was technically illegal. However the judge was pragmatic, she ruled that there was no prejudice to exH as he now has the address, could see his kids all along, and no damage was done to him. So she did not award him damages.

I'm assuming that even if he technically can divorce me on the grounds of me leaving the family home - if they choose to disregard my evidence that the decision was initially mutual and then accelarated by his hospitalisation - that the judge will apply the same logic. What prejudice has he suffered?

If I'd let the house go to wrack and ruin or abandonned the children there so he had to hire in care for them, maybe. This 'justification' for divorce works when a man runs off with no warning and no communication, leaving his wife to look after a severely disabled child for example.

But you never know when you will get a stickler for the law !

Thanks for the explanation, @FinallyHere. I knew the French court system was convoluted but it's worse than I imagined.

Jamais, once this is done I hope we can hear your party from a hundred miles away!

Jamais, do you have anything in writing from the time that you were advised to leave the family home because you were at risk from him? I believe it was his doctor/psychiatrist who told you this?

Wouldn't this prove that you did not abandon him but that you left for your own (and two ds) safety?

@Daftapath unfortunately I don't have anything in writing as at the time everyone refused to do so.

I am tempted to ask "Sam" the friend who was there with us at the time, to write something but he refused last time as he thought I had enough proof and didn't want to cross exh.

I would definitely ask and would be quite hurt if he had the same attitude about it still.

Could the hospital notes be requested as evidence? I seem to remember they were unhelpful before.

Looking back, he actually left his key when he had his breakdown and ended up hospitalised. So he “left” the house first. And even if you don’t have that in writing, hopefully the facts of you having to report him as a missing person would be accepted by the judge, and certainly prove that he was not all unknowing at home while you had just up and left one sunny day.

That's very true, what @AllotmentTime has said. I guess so many things have happened that sometimes you forget the most obvious details. I remember you posting up because you had no clue where he was. That would be and should be seen very differently to you withholding your address for your safety and that of your children, because he wasn't a stable individual at the time. Your posts on MN should give you a decent timeline and if the likes of 'Sam' or your former SiL won't make a statement about their friend and brother, perhaps if you wrote a timeline of events, using very neutral language, perhaps they would agree to sign that as an accurate account of what happened and when?

Another of your longterm supporters here.
What an absolute arsehole he is.

Fingers crossed for you @jamaisjedors

Thanks. Will update when I've seen my lawyer/barrister on Wednesday.

So I saw my lawyer/barrister and she thinks we have quite a lot of evidence to counter ex's accusations - the most serious accusation is the "abandon du domicile conjugal" as there is definite proof that Ieft the family home without being authorised by the judge. However we also have dug up lots of proof that ex knew I was moving out and that it was a mutual decision.

Whether the judge will believe that I had to move out for my own safety is still not sure. However ex's claim that I upped and left with no warning while he was in hospital is easy to disprove, we were in counselling for 6 months before that, we had both opened seperate bank accounts in the days preceding my moving out, we had discussed what furniture I could (not[ take...

The kind of sticky part is that now that exh has turned this into a "fault" divorce, his request will be examined first and we not only need to counter his claims, we need to provide evidence to the judge that the "fault" (or unreasonable behaviour[ was on both sides.

Of course very few people witnessed what was going on in our marraige. However, my mum and brother have now written up statements about all the times exh opted out of family life because he was too busy working and hopefully that will be enough for the judge to decide that we are both at fault (or even that HE is totally at fault for the marriage ending - unlikely !

I have also asked ex's sister if she would be willing to say something - originally she had said she would, way back 3 years ago, but I don't want to tear their family apart. I have made it clear that she is under no obligation to produce a statement at all but she could say that she witnessedme trying hard to keep the relationship going despite very real difficulties for several years.

I'm feeling a lot more positive now.

Just hoping we are still on track for our hearing in court on the 25th as our solicitor in charge of drawing up the financial report has still not produced his report and probably won't in time.

Well that sounds pretty positive and surely the judge will be privately be thinking why the f has he filed this 3 years later when the divorce was nearly done?

I'm glad you're feeling positive. Will your legal team be able to keep pushing it forward? I would slightly worry that he has taken over the divorce in order to be better able to delay everything.

Who made initial contact with the counsellor, do you have any evidence of that? If it was you, then that is clear evidence that you were taking responsibility for trying to make the marriage work.

What reason does he give for his hospitalisation, if not a breakdown precipitated by your separation? As I’ve said before, I can’t see how he can make his logic work- is he trying to argue that you should have cancelled your plans to leave because he was ill? That surely wouldn’t be an accepted argument.

Also this might sound paranoid, but when you get confirmation and the divorce does finally go through, can you ensure that you are with other people/have your boys with you?? He is STILL not letting you go and it surely begs the question of what that will do to his mental health at that time. And no matter what he (and the medical professionals!) are saying to you now, when you first left, they believed you could be in danger.

So we have got our (possibly) final conclusions in and sent to the judge and my lawyer will push for the hearing to go ahead on Friday. We won't know anything even after that, it will take until January at least for the judge to come back to us.

But I would really like this hearing out of the way so I can have a break and think about Christmas.

Thank you, Good advice for when the judgement comes through.

And yes on both points, we have evidence I was trying to make the marriage work and yes he is arguing I should have been there for him when he was hospitalised... In fact we show that I was, to the extent which was possible with him being a risk to me and also banning me from visiting him at the clinic.

Even the logic there @jamaisjedors - I mean he is saying he wanted you to be there for him when he was hospitalised, yet he banned you from the clinic. I don't know how being there would have worked in that situation. Were you to defy the ban? Were you to put yourself at risk? The logic just doesn't work.

I really hope things go well for you in the coming weeks. It is only a few more weeks even until January..it's no longer being counted in years or multiples of months anymore. That must be reassuring to see the light at the end of the tunnel at this stage?