Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's a porn one..

104 replies

Usernameok123 · 03/01/2021 00:57

Name changed.

Let me start by saying, I'm one of those women who is fine with porn. I watch porn myself. I'm not here for a MN telling off about porn please.

Used DH's laptop tonight for a zoom call with friends. He has to be up at 4am for work - goodnight darling, sleep well etc.

A few minutes into the call with friends, a little icon keeps bouncing up and down (it's a MacBook, I'm not well versed in them). I click on it to see what it's for.

Lo and behold, it tells me that DH is looking at porn. In fact, he's looking at "shemale" porn. I see as much as I need to see and close the window. What I saw was a lot.

What the actual fuck do I do now? Is it just curiosity? Is he gay? What the fuck??

We have literally zero problems in our relationship. Sexual, emotional, we are so strong.

Is it just the type of porn he likes to look at?

I am so, so thrown by this. Do I pull the man up over a fantasy?

Brains scrambled.

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 03/01/2021 01:27

What is 'shemale'? It sounds like a woman and a man but could be an effeminate man.

WouldstrokeTomHardy · 03/01/2021 01:34

He may have clicked it accidentally but it's unlikely isn't it. Oh OP you poor thing. You're going to have to ask him. Is there anyway you can have a look at his history?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/01/2021 01:36

@jessstan1

What is 'shemale'? It sounds like a woman and a man but could be an effeminate man.
Basically a man dressed as a woman. Trans but hasn't had the sex change.
covidaintacrime · 03/01/2021 01:37

What is 'shemale'? It sounds like a woman and a man but could be an effeminate man.

People who dress up effeminately and look female but have penises (to my knowledge).

OP, it could just be curiosity - porn recommendations can get very niche quite quickly but it's tempting to look at them for whatever reason. Not a sign of being gay necessarily. Are you comfortable with the porn itself, is it just the subject material?

Original poster
Usernameok123 · 03/01/2021 01:40

@covidaintacrime the subject material 100%.

@WouldstrokeTomHardy could tell it wasn't an accident.

I just don't know what to think or do.

OP posts:
NoCureForLove · 03/01/2021 01:41

But I thought you said you were fine with porn?
Only certain sorts of porn then?

covidaintacrime · 03/01/2021 01:43

Would he be receptive to a conversation about it?

Porn is addictive, so he may not have gone looking for it if that makes sense. Even if he was interested in people with penises (which based on this alone I would be surprised at) there's every chance he's bisexual or pansexual. Though I think he's just curious, personally.

Icanflyhigh · 03/01/2021 01:46

I had a friend who was fascinated by this type of porn, I was the only person he told as he trusted me not to laugh at him or take the piss. I encouraged him to talk to his wife about it, but he said she would leave him over it.
It was purely curiosity, he didn't fancy men, he was very much (and still is) in love with his wife, but he said she would never have understood.
I'm not sure i understand it really but I know with him it was just curiosity, he has always been (as far as I know) faithful to his wife. I dont think he's ever told her about it and I don't know if he still looks at it.
Try not to worry?

Original poster
Usernameok123 · 03/01/2021 01:47

Thank you @Icanflyhigh

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 03/01/2021 01:48

If you're fine with porn I don't see the problem?

There's loads of dodgy categories that are v popular... Incest, barely legal, all the stuff about 'destroying' orifices etc etc

What's the problem?

MoiraRosesWig · 03/01/2021 02:04

Yeah, if you're fine with porn and watch it yourself then I'm afraid you can't really complain.

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 03/01/2021 02:08

I don't think it means much. Human sexuality is a strange beast. There could be all sorts of reasons why he found that particular video arousing at that moment.

I think it might be worth asking him because otherwise it's going to eat away at you.

jessstan1 · 03/01/2021 02:12

Talk to him about it, Username. See what he has to say. We all have limits and I would find anyone's obsession with sex of all kinds rather sleazy and disturbing but at the end of the day, it's up to you what you do.

Baileysoncereal · 03/01/2021 02:17

Surprised people are telling you it’s ok if you feel uncomfortable with it
Of course the subject matter, matters

I don’t care if DH looks at porn
But if he is purposely searching for something that is a niche fantasy that I’m not aware of, particularly if it’s one that could indicate a difference in his sexuality I’d definitely have some thoughts on it!

I think you have to just talk to him though OP
In a non judgemental way and ask what it is he likes about it / why he never told you etc
The only thing you can do is understand it I suppose

Unless you want to leave him because of it, but that does seem a lot to me, but you have t be comfortable

Do make sure he’s watched it regularly
rather than accidentally clicked, clicked once, been sent it and not known what it was or something else

DBML · 03/01/2021 03:47

The problem with pornography is that initially looking at ‘normal’ sex does the job, but over time that becomes boring.

You start looking for more extreme, hardcore sex.
Then that becomes normal, so you start looking at the bizarre, the fetish, the fake incest story backgrounds...even if you’re not particularly interested in real life, it’s more of a turn on to see what you don’t usually see.

I believe that this graduation through the porn genres is hugely problematic and quite dangerous as some people who lack self control, end up delving into the illegal.

I don’t mind porn, I am of the mindset that it’s pretty standard these days, but I also think it’s too easy to become desensitised and to end up looking for more extreme porn.

Lozzerbmc · 03/01/2021 08:18

If you are ok with porn I dont really understand your concern. I agree that peoples tastes for it get more extreme as time goes on.

lunalulu · 03/01/2021 08:54

@StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads

I don't think it means much. Human sexuality is a strange beast. There could be all sorts of reasons why he found that particular video arousing at that moment.

I think it might be worth asking him because otherwise it's going to eat away at you.

This. Talk to him. Nicely.
lunalulu · 03/01/2021 08:54

@DBML

The problem with pornography is that initially looking at ‘normal’ sex does the job, but over time that becomes boring.

You start looking for more extreme, hardcore sex.
Then that becomes normal, so you start looking at the bizarre, the fetish, the fake incest story backgrounds...even if you’re not particularly interested in real life, it’s more of a turn on to see what you don’t usually see.

I believe that this graduation through the porn genres is hugely problematic and quite dangerous as some people who lack self control, end up delving into the illegal.

I don’t mind porn, I am of the mindset that it’s pretty standard these days, but I also think it’s too easy to become desensitised and to end up looking for more extreme porn.

This too.
Hesfamousforit · 03/01/2021 09:14

His taste in porn isn't necessarily what he wants in real life. If porn itself isn't the problem then just leave it.

Worriedandabitscared · 03/01/2021 09:18

I don't think it necessarily means he's gay, some people have weird links/fantasies - I'm a straight female but I prefer to watch lesbian porn (I try to use ethical sites well more ethical than pornhub) and I'm not gay and wouldn't do anything sexual with a girl but for some reason it gets me off Blush DH might have just been curious? I've googled some weird stuff in my time out of curiosity not to get off though.

Divebar · 03/01/2021 09:25

Do you only watch heterosexual porn featuring one man then? I don’t particularly watch much now but the stuff I’ve watched in the past has been very varied. Eg group sex scene, lesbian sex etc. I’ve definitely seen a group scene with a transgender woman although I wouldn’t have searched for that especially. It doesn’t indicate something I want to do in real life necessarIly. I would have some questions if that was a continual interest rather than a casual one but I don’t think you’re going to find out without asking.

Worriedandabitscared · 03/01/2021 09:27

Also I really don't agree with PP being like "oh I thought you were okay with porn so no matter what you have to be okay with it" uhm no, since joining mumsnet I have tried to get DH to be more ethical in what he watches but some people genuinely don't know the risks of pornhub etc I didn't before joining mumsnet so wouldn't expect everyone to be ethically conscious and then there's abuse porn like crushing porn, child porn, bestiality etc etc so just because you're okay with porn doesn't mean you're okay with all aspects of porn obviously.

gannett · 03/01/2021 09:33

Porn is a fantasy and not necessarily about what he needs or even wants IRL.

In other words: it's not about you. If all else is as good as you say it is, there's no need to worry.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 09:40

Have to laugh at the "well you said you were ok with porn so .." responses.

Yeah, it makes absolutely no difference what type of porn your partner uses ... Hmm. Most women would expect (and accept) s heterosexual man using heterosexual porn ie men having sex with women. Even "lesbian" (and most lesbian porn on porn sites is not really lesbian,let's face it; it's made for male stimulation) porn is still watching women.

This isn't women, it's men who are either tranvestites or more commonly (from what I've seen) transexuals who've had breast implants but had genital surgery.

So basically he's watching men with breast implants dresses up as/made up as women having sex. That is s subtype/a fetish,however you'd like to put it. It is not mainstream heterosexual porn. Many hetero men are as turned off by it as by gay porn. Essentially it is a type of gay porn.

So, in fantasy, at the very least, his sexuality/orientation is not exactly what op thought it was, and that is understandably disturbing to op. I would find it disturbing.

Accepting use of mainstream hetero porn is not the same as accepting a fetish (which she wasn't even aware of).

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 09:44

As to the posters who've said they've watched some lesbian porn so .. it's been established that women actually respond to a much wider range of porn than men on average and their fantasies and arousal ranges over a lot .. whereas in comparison most men, sexually, are far narrower and more fixed in their turn one and preferences. That means arguably it's more significant when they watch subtypes of fetishes or homosexual porn.

Swipe left for the next trending thread