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Original poster

It's a porn one..

104 replies

Usernameok123 · 03/01/2021 00:57

Name changed.

Let me start by saying, I'm one of those women who is fine with porn. I watch porn myself. I'm not here for a MN telling off about porn please.

Used DH's laptop tonight for a zoom call with friends. He has to be up at 4am for work - goodnight darling, sleep well etc.

A few minutes into the call with friends, a little icon keeps bouncing up and down (it's a MacBook, I'm not well versed in them). I click on it to see what it's for.

Lo and behold, it tells me that DH is looking at porn. In fact, he's looking at "shemale" porn. I see as much as I need to see and close the window. What I saw was a lot.

What the actual fuck do I do now? Is it just curiosity? Is he gay? What the fuck??

We have literally zero problems in our relationship. Sexual, emotional, we are so strong.

Is it just the type of porn he likes to look at?

I am so, so thrown by this. Do I pull the man up over a fantasy?

Brains scrambled.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernameok123 · 03/01/2021 12:56

We've been together 5 years, got married in the summer.

@MMmomDD your message makes a lot of sense, thank you. No, never any doubt in his attraction, apart from my own body insecurities. He's just bloody fantastic.

I don't particularly want to go digging either to see if this was a one off or not (I have no doubt him watching porn is not a one off, just the subject matter).

And as I said, really he's done nothing wrong and do I want to embarrass the man for having a kink?

OP posts:
DedlyMedally · 03/01/2021 12:59

I don't think it's an uncommon porn taste. It's niche but not homosexual.
Gay men are attracted to men who look quite traditionally masculine and that's what you see in their porn. I would argue that if what you're trying to see is a woman with a penis, it might not be entirely straight but it's not gay either.
People will explore in their solo sex. It doesn't necessarily mean they want this to be replicated in life.
The most common fantasies amongst women would be described as sexual assault or rape if translated to the real world.

bumhead · 03/01/2021 13:01

You don't sound pathetic at all.
It's difficult I think for women to truly understand men's porn use, what makes them tick, what events or searches mean something significant and which mean very little.
Maybe your DH doesn't even understand himself why he looks at it.
Can you check whether these are regular searches or whether it was a one off? That might help settle your mind. Is there anything else that makes you question his sexuality or is it just this?

MMmomDD · 03/01/2021 13:03

Exactly.
So that’s what I was trying to say - whether it’s kink or curiosity - who knows and does it even matter.
It’s very hard to fake being a good partner in a relationship over a long time. And it’s even harder, if not impossible to fake attraction and sexual interest in someone for all those years.
So - you can see that your fear of him leaving you for another type of sex is totally irrational. Especially given that it’s based on one time porn watching.

However - as humans we are not always rational. So - if it does continue to eat up at you - just ask. The embarrassment it may cause him is minor in comparison to the damage it can cause you and your relationship if you spiral into unhappiness.

Sundance2741 · 03/01/2021 13:28

Just to say women commonly have sexual fantasies involving acts or situations they would mostly not seek out in real life. I know I do. Why wouldn't men as well? No one can see what I see in my head. The trouble with porn is that you can get to see what someone is watching, but you can never know what they might fantasise over, unless they tell you.

Do partners have to reveal their sexual fantasies to each other, if they are not interested in recreating them?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/01/2021 13:33

It doesn't mean he is gay, just curious. I've watched gay porn before out of curiosity both sexes and I'm not gay, not even slightly.
I don't watch porn any more, it's just is not ethical.

Original poster
Usernameok123 · 03/01/2021 13:34

Do partners have to reveal their sexual fantasies to each other, if they are not interested in recreating them?

Thank you @Sundance2741. This sentence has sort of pinged me back to reality

OP posts:
Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 03/01/2021 13:35

Just speak to him about it, try not to be judgmental.

Opentooffers · 03/01/2021 14:02

From what I know of a friend with such inclinations, he would defiantly not identify with being gay and is now married to a pretty Thai woman. However, prior to that, he did have relationships with at least one Thai ladyboy- who very much look like a woman, quite far removed from a gay man. I think, having a liberal mind, combined with a hedonistic attitude to sex and wanting to experience all that is possible, but not identifying with gay, is I think, maybe a part of it.
After a lifetime of enjoying masturbation, it's not inconceivable that another person with tackle, would know how to excite their parts expertly. So, I'd guess it's a physical thing, takes one to know one, sort of thing, and separate from an emotional element, especially when it comes to porn. So it doesn't mean he's any less attracted to you, but he might have an interest in anal play, which a few straight men do too ( sorry If TMI). How you feel about that is up to you, it's fine to be ok or not ok with it.

Original poster
Usernameok123 · 03/01/2021 14:49

The majority of these replies have been so very helpful, thank you everyone. I feel better this afternoon and I'm not going to make an issue of it unless it becomes an issue, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 16:22

Gay men are attracted to men who look quite traditionally masculine and that's what you see in their porn.

Bollocks.

There attracted to all types of men and even the most one dimensional cliched gay porn has "bears" (masculine, heavy set, big, hairy guys) and "twinks" (lightly built, smaller, delicate, boyish or "feminine") men, who generally are the ones being penetrated.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 16:29

*They're.

Besides this isn't actually about gay porn, he's not watching gay porn (or op hasn't discovered it if he is) ... He's watching transexual porn. Two different things.

There are some men who will have sex with transexuals and/or transvestites who will not have sex with men "identifying" as men.
They often identify as hetero and (also) have relationships with women. The trans sex is usually on the down low.

Op's dh activity may have always be and continue to be only fantasy, but nonetheless he appears to be one the men who are aroused by transexual (that is transexual men presenting as women).

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 16:32

I'm not going to make an issue of it unless it becomes an issue, if that makes sense.

Hopefully it is only fantasy but I wouldn't want to see you hit in the face by something "real" along these lines, I'd advise monitoring.

The snoop brigade will no doubt kick off but I'm afraid snooping, with instinct or minor evidence, has released many many women on here from incredibly deceptive, often unfaithful partnerships.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 16:36

So - you can see that your fear of him leaving you for another type of sex is totally irrational.

It's not being left for a different type of sex that is the issue for most women in relationships with men who are aroused by other men (no matter how they are dressed) ... Most of them are not left, not as decided by the man anyway.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 16:47

It’s very hard to fake being a good partner in a relationship over a long time. And it’s even harder, if not impossible to fake attraction and sexual interest in someone for all those years.

To the contrary its not. Many men do so. And also many women's awareness, expectations, and standards make "good" a very relative description.

Also, as above, a man who is aroused by transexual (males) alongside females would t have to take anything. (Nor would some bisexual men for that matter).

The two are not mutually exclusive. They are, however unacceptable to many women - concurrently of even retrospective KY.

I've seen a situation where a woman discovered her husband had had a past relationship with a transexual or transvestite (it wasn't clear which). He was a gym bunny, well built, muscly, traditionally masculine guy and presumably she'd had no I making he had or would ever involve himself with a non female before, she was visibly shocked, disturbed and uncomfortable. And I don't think her reaction was abnormal or unreasonable.

Dressed up or not, implants or not, transsexuals are men; and therefore the sexual orientation of the man you thought you knew is now different.

Either that or they are indifferent to sex (gender) as long as the person presents as female and is willing to perform fellatio and have (anal) penetrative sex. That is an uncomfortable notion for a lot of women too.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 16:50

*retrospectively, slightly hilarious KY autocorrect insert there.

Tier10 · 03/01/2021 16:51

I look at some real weird stuff on the internet, I have no interest in doing any of it in real life.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 16:52

Obviously there is no evidence to date that op's dh has done anything but use transexual porn, but it is a fetish/orientation that I wouldn't dismiss easily.

I'm not sure that men are quite as likely to not act on sexual fantasies as women may be.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 16:54

@Tier10

I look at some real weird stuff on the internet, I have no interest in doing any of it in real life.
That's a bit of very vague, non specific info there .... This thread is on the topic of masturbation to fetish porn.

Is that what you mean?

Tier10 · 03/01/2021 16:55

Yep

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 16:55

Specifically fetish porn that conflicts with your professed sexual orientation.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 16:56

Well, you wouldn't act on it .. doesn't mean anyone else wouldn't.

As above, I'm not sure that male sexuality makes direct comparisons with female fantasies and porn use very useful.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 17:07

Besides this isn't actually about gay porn, he's not watching gay porn (or op hasn't discovered it if he is) ... He's watching transexual porn. Two different things.

Could I just clarify that while I would actually consider transexual porn (males presenting as "female") to be a type of gay porn, I don't believe the men who use transexual porn ..nor who have sex with transexuals or tranvestites do; they generally seem to see themselves as hetero and not see their behaviour as homosexual. (Which is why it's not incompatible to them with attraction to, relationships with and sex with women).

PornStarHotChocolate · 03/01/2021 18:10

I don't watch porn but if I did I think I'd be more turned on by the woman than the man. Yet, I feel the ick at the thought of a same sex relationship - I just know I wouldn't be able to get aroused by a woman. Sometimes I wish I could as I imagine women make better partners tbh.

Anyway... Next time he heads to bed early/pops off upstairs, use his laptop again to see what he's looking at & if there's a pattern.

I think I'd want to do more digging personally...and if you have access to that you can see a lot of what he does on his phone, what apps he has, sites he visits, photos...as it's linked.

The porn subject matter is something that could be explained as curiosity if it's a one-off or he only looks at it briefly. If he watches the whole thing or seeks out that, that would concern me more.

Tier10 · 03/01/2021 18:38

I just thought nearly everyone had a look at different porn, I get turned on watching lesbian porn but absolutely not attracted to women in real life.
It’s like having a fantasy and then you look at in the porn section , it doesn’t mean you’d actually like to do it.