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Original poster

It's a porn one..

104 replies

Usernameok123 · 03/01/2021 00:57

Name changed.

Let me start by saying, I'm one of those women who is fine with porn. I watch porn myself. I'm not here for a MN telling off about porn please.

Used DH's laptop tonight for a zoom call with friends. He has to be up at 4am for work - goodnight darling, sleep well etc.

A few minutes into the call with friends, a little icon keeps bouncing up and down (it's a MacBook, I'm not well versed in them). I click on it to see what it's for.

Lo and behold, it tells me that DH is looking at porn. In fact, he's looking at "shemale" porn. I see as much as I need to see and close the window. What I saw was a lot.

What the actual fuck do I do now? Is it just curiosity? Is he gay? What the fuck??

We have literally zero problems in our relationship. Sexual, emotional, we are so strong.

Is it just the type of porn he likes to look at?

I am so, so thrown by this. Do I pull the man up over a fantasy?

Brains scrambled.

OP posts:
Anothernick · 03/01/2021 09:46

I'm a man, actively heterosexual, regular sex with my DW, never had or wanted gay sex, but I occasionally watch activities classified as gay porn. I think it's just curiosity, if the OP is satisfied win other aspects of her relationship then she should not question her DPs porn use as long as it's legal. Men use porn for wank fantasises, we are not hankering for our DPs to do the things we see in porn.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 09:49

*not genital surgery.

In a nutshell,no pun intended, you won't find most heterosexual men using porn where the person being penetrated, performing oral sex etc has a dick and balls (whether they also have breast implants and are wearing makeup and lingerie or whatever).

Of course it would've unnerving for any woman in a relationship with a man she believes is heterosexual to see this.

Also interesting that he's said goodnight, hrs got to go to bed early for a very early start darling etc etc while he's actually headed to bed to wank to fetish porn that's not really heterosexual.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 09:51

I'm a man, actively heterosexual, regular sex with my DW, never had or wanted gay sex, but I occasionally watch activities classified as gay porn.

You're the exception to the rule with any heterosexual men I've discussed this with. They've been visually turned off by/averse to watching homosexual sex.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 09:53

Is your wife aware?

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 09:57

To me there are two issues with this;

  1. You naturally wonder if it is purely fantasy that would not be acted on; or if it is a fetish that has been or will be acted on sooner or later.
(There's no shortage of women in this board who've discovered the latter so it's not unreasonable to worry).
  1. You may find even the fantasy about a subtype/fetish like this to be a turn off in a partner. I know I would..
RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 03/01/2021 09:57

I feel like I’m the only person in the world who feels like porn is weird but even I did like it I would be freaked out by that yes.

The question is, would he be mad that you were looking, or could you tell him about the pop-up?

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 10:05

Personally op I would say nothing, Bide your time and observe his behaviour.

By doing so, you might be able to see how often and how much he uses this type material. To me using it at all is off-putting but if be interested to see if it's part of a variety/range of porn he uses .. or if it dominates, or is even almost exclusive.

I'd also be interested to see if there was any evidence he takes this beyond passive porn use is to cam use or membership of forums, or fetish sites etc.

That could help you decide what to do

If you "confront" he'll cover it up, and you may not get a true picture.

VeganVeal · 03/01/2021 10:06

Does he like a finger up the bum when you have sex?

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 10:07

The question is, would he be mad that you were looking, or could you tell him about the pop-up?

If he chooses to watch fetish porn, he should probably take more care with lending people devices he's signed in on. How many people have been caught doing all.sorts due to this kind of carelessness .. in most cases it's a good thing their partners found out they were doing a,b or c so they could make informed decisions.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 10:21

I occasionally watch activities classified as gay porn. I think it's just curiosity,

Occasionally ... Curiousity.

One look or a few looks around the same time is curiosity. Repeatedly, at intervals is not really, now, is it? What exactly would have changed, what would be new, to be "curious" again (and again)?

Jkrowling92 · 03/01/2021 10:27

Sounds like his viewing habits are turning into a bit of an addiction and he needs more salacious material to keep his interest.
Everyone loves to act like people against porn are prudes but never before in human history have people had such easy access to material like this. I think it’s over stimulating to the brain and eventually will affect intimate relationships.

There’s also the exploitation of women but maybe I’ll leave that to the feminist board, lest I be attacked by the ‘sex positive, cool girls’. Hmm

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 10:34

But I thought you said you were fine with porn?
Only certain sorts of porn then?

If you are ok with porn I dont really understand your concern.

On the general theme, I find comments like these ridiculous.

Many women accept their partner using mainstream heterosexual age appropriate, non fetish porn. They don't stand over their partners to ensure that's what they're using.

If they discovered their partner was using teenage/barely legal porn; they may well be disturbed/uncomfortable and that would be wholly understandable.

If they discovered their partner was using incest porn, they may well be disturbed/uncomfortable ... Ditto.

If they discovered their partner was using BDSM porn (especially extreme), they may well be disturbed/uncomfortable ..
Ditto.

If they discovered their partner was using gay or transexual porn, they may well be disturbed/uncomfortable ..
Ditto.

Etc etc

This is obviously in cases wheres it not a one look out of curiosity and not repeated; as op has confirmed her partners was not last night.

There is a huge huge range of porn even on mainstream sites now, from what the majority of hetero people in a relationship would find acceptable to things many people would most definitely not. It's ridiculous to treat it as one entity and say things like "well you said you were ok with porn, so ...".

FifteenToes · 03/01/2021 10:35

@Icanflyhigh

I had a friend who was fascinated by this type of porn, I was the only person he told as he trusted me not to laugh at him or take the piss. I encouraged him to talk to his wife about it, but he said she would leave him over it. It was purely curiosity, he didn't fancy men, he was very much (and still is) in love with his wife, but he said she would never have understood. I'm not sure i understand it really but I know with him it was just curiosity, he has always been (as far as I know) faithful to his wife. I dont think he's ever told her about it and I don't know if he still looks at it. Try not to worry?
This^

The relationship between porn and real life is not nearly as obvious, predictably or necessarily relevant as many people imagine. You've said yourself, in no uncertain terms, that there are no problems at all in the relationship including sexually. That's a rare achievement. Why would you want to screw it up by creating them?

Mimi07 · 03/01/2021 10:39

Of course you’re allowed to be bothered with the type of porn.
I haven’t read all the responses which I always do but I’m so shocked that people think that all porn is equal.
Schoolgirl porn - no from me. Incest - no from me. It matters.
I found my husband has clicked on a link that said ‘painal’ once. Never heard of it before. It meant painful anal. It was gross. It was basically women being raped in the arse. I’m cool with porn but I was absolutely fucking disturbed by it. That my DH was at all curious about women being violated and he wanted to see that. It tells you something about their interests. My DH said he was curious and came straight off it when he realised. I’m not sure I believe him but what am I to do.
In your situation, I would be surprised and need a conversation. He could just be curious or possibly bi. I guess sexuality is a spectrum.

RandomUser18282 · 03/01/2021 10:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

FifteenToes · 03/01/2021 10:43

@DBML

The problem with pornography is that initially looking at ‘normal’ sex does the job, but over time that becomes boring.

You start looking for more extreme, hardcore sex.
Then that becomes normal, so you start looking at the bizarre, the fetish, the fake incest story backgrounds...even if you’re not particularly interested in real life, it’s more of a turn on to see what you don’t usually see.

I believe that this graduation through the porn genres is hugely problematic and quite dangerous as some people who lack self control, end up delving into the illegal.

I don’t mind porn, I am of the mindset that it’s pretty standard these days, but I also think it’s too easy to become desensitised and to end up looking for more extreme porn.

Is there any evidence for this model? I'm not saying there isn't, but I've never seen any, and it does remind me of the "gateway drug" arguments against cannabis which have been largely refuted by those looking at the evidence.

Given that the most obvious category of "illegal" in porn is under-age, I don't think that's something that lies at one end of a spectrum. You're either sexually attracted to children or you're not; I've never heard of anybody becoming so out of boundary-pushing in their attraction to adults.

MMmomDD · 03/01/2021 10:49

If there are no problems in the relationship, just leave him to his curiosity.
Most people who watch porn have been curious about something ‘weird’ as it popped up. And these days with the boredom of continuous lockdown - it’s not surprising.
Shemales - I presume look very much like females on top - so I don’t think you have much to worry about.
If he was trying to hide a raging fetish obsession - he’d be covering his tracks and not just leaving his computer with you.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 10:58

Shemales - I presume look very much like females on top - so I don’t think you have much to worry about.

Yeah but they look like males below - and the positions generally emphasise their dick and balls bouncing as they have sex (anal obviously) on top etc.

It's funny how posters give opinions on how an op should feel about something without apparently actually seeing what they're referring to.

Sandals19 · 03/01/2021 11:02

Is there any evidence for this model?

Was thinking the same.

Ime some porn users "escalate", others do not. They find what they prefer, get off, turn it off. In fact some posters on gerdvysge reported how repeatedly and consistently they realised their partner used the same videos, often of the sane porn actress/es.

It's not really totally valid to say that using fetish or extreme porn is just an effect of watching porn regularly.

Original poster
Usernameok123 · 03/01/2021 12:26

Thanks everyone, especially those who were very open. There's some really interesting trains of thought.

It is eating me up inside a little bit today and I still don't really don't know what to do. I'm not a prude but I am uncomfortable talking about sex etc with anyone. I also don't want to needlessly embarrass DH, who has really done nothing wrong. But I think I need to know if we have a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernameok123 · 03/01/2021 12:27

It's also very rare that we don't go to bed at the same time, so he's not going to bed every evening alone and looking at stuff.

OP posts:
Worriedandabitscared · 03/01/2021 12:31

@Usernameok123

It's also very rare that we don't go to bed at the same time, so he's not going to bed every evening alone and looking at stuff.
I understand your concern, if everything else is okay couldn't you give him the benefit of the doubt this time and then maybe after repeat offences (if there is any) then maybe mention it? Might just be genuine curiosity with nothing behind it or it may be a kink or anything really.
Original poster
Usernameok123 · 03/01/2021 12:32

Just sounding off now - I think I'm scared that maybe he is gay, or bi, and he will leave me for someone of a different gender. I love him so much and don't want to be without him.

That makes me sound really pathetic, I'm not usually.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 03/01/2021 12:50

OP - how long have you been together?
As you said the relationship and sex has
been good - has he ever given you any reason to doubt his attraction to you?
Has it looked like he has been forcing himself to be with you?
In any relationship - a partner can fall for someone else and leave. Being bi doesn’t make it any more or less likely.
And watching fetish porn - once so far as you know - doesn’t make him any more likely to be bi. Mildly curious, maybe...

But as it bothers you - ask him.