Why do I attract alcoholics/addicts?

[NC1769456]

Or maybe the question should be why am I drawn to them?

NC as outing.

My dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict. My mum covered it up for him. My mum was vacant and never showed any love. I've had NC with my dad since I was 18 (I'm 34 now). My ex of 10 years was/is also an alcoholic and his mum died of liver failure due to alcoholism and his dad is also an alcoholic. My ex cheated on me, left me for the OW and then she dumped him because of his drinking he came running back. I, thankfully, didn't take him back. We have a 5 year old son together.

I have been dating a guy for 4 months (known each other 2 years) and we have only shared a couple glasses of wine together. He's been known to disappear for 12-24 hours at a time but I didn't think anything of it really. His ex (the mother of his children) messaged this today essentially saying he's an alcoholic and that she'd had to go get their children this morning as their eldest had called to say she couldn't wake him up. She told me everything. They'd broken up due to his drinking (and other addictions). He appears to be a binge drinker rather than a daily drinker, which I guess is why I didn't notice.

I'm sat here thinking maybe I'm doing something? Am I drawn to these men? How do I stop myself in the future making the same continuous mistakes?

You may be drawn to them because you think you can save them.
Or maybe you only see good in people

@krankykittykat thank you for commenting. I've already messaged guy I've been dating to say I'm here for him if he needs to talk. I feel bad for him even though this is his own doing and I know I should be angry but I just feel sorry for him. He knew my ex is an alcoholic and never mentioned any issues with alcohol.

We internalise our experiences and they can be located in our unconscious as a familiar thing we are drawn to or recognise
You’ve seen your mum normalise and habituate covering up for an alcoholic. Actually it’s understandable she probably wanted in her way to protect you, and often denial or concealing are the options open to women with alcoholics

Do you want to save or fix these men?
Do you think good love and a supportive woman will save them

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee if I'm honest I'd never even thought of there being a link until now with my dad. Thinking about it honestly, yes, I do want to save/fix them. I know I can't and I know it's destroying myself in the process (I hit rock bottom with my ex and promised myself I would never do it again). But I still find myself wanting to be supportive with the guy I'm dating.

I think you are probably an empath, so you are drawn to men who need help in some way. They are drawn to you because you probably give off a healing aura...be careful as 'healing' can also read as 'doormat.'

Ok,so you’re familiar with alcoholics from childhood and you want to save them
Being brutally blunt,no one saves anyone,people are responsible for their own behaviour
By all means supportive partners protect & can take edge off the dysfunctional person but it’s at a high personal cost. And ultimately the alcoholic will remain alcoholic until they decide not to be. Crucially, you won’t change their mind

You answer your own question with your first sentence!

Your dad was an alcoholic so you have been conditioned to that sort of behaviour and yes want to fix it in a way you couldn't when you were a child. Obviously you still can't fix it but your subconscious is trying to trick you.

One can change your behaviour,your habitual pattern but it requires self awareness and work

Thank you. I'm crying here thinking how have I not realised this before. Yes, I couldn't fix my dad. And my dad abandoned us so he could continue drinking/doing drugs. He told me when I was 18 that he was glad he walked away from us (when I was 11) as he got to live his life free from the responsibility of children and a wife.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee where do I start?

@FusionChefGeoff your comment felt like a kick to a gut. Not in a horrible way; just you could see it so clearly something I've not been able to ever see.

Because you are "an adult child of an alcoholic". As one myself I understand completely what you mean. I married a man who I thought was perfect, turns out he was an alcoholic too. You literally couldn't make it up. My advice to you is to go to Al Anon meetings. It's for people like us. It will change your life.

You start by looking at yourself and a give a bit of self love for the smart,kind,empathetic woman you are
Then you have the concrete thought it’s not my responsibility to save all the broken people and you keep checking in with that

You are a rescuer and an enabler

It's all you have ever known. It feelss normal to you.

But it's not normal and it's not ok.

Dump the latest no-hoper and seek counselling for yourself to try and break these self destructive patterns

The only person suffering here is you. These losers you feel sorry for are sucking you dry. They are adults. They need to seek professional help on their own account. You trying to prop them up does harm, to you and to them.

@Onward thank you so much. I've been thinking I'm just so stupid and that there's something fundamentally wrong with me. I thought the meetings were only for alcoholics so to say. I'll have a look. Thank you again

Fundamentally, sort yourself. It’s not your responsibility to attend AA meetings, it’s his responsibility to get straight

@NC1769456 I thought that too, but Al Anon is for those who have been affected by someone else's drinking. You will find understanding, love and compassion there. I promise. All you have to do is "keep coming back" (you'll see what I mean) x

I've already messaged guy I've been dating to say I'm here for him if he needs to talk.

This tells us everything. Why would you do that? Why do you think you can save him? Why do you think his ex couldn't? Do you think recovering from addiction means more effort from friends and family rather than from the person themself?

I can't believe how these comments have completely taken the wind out of me. I genuinely had no idea. Not feeling so smart right now though. I had messaged him saying I was here for him (before this post) and he replied saying he didn't deserve it. And honestly my heart hurts.

@HollowTalk I really don't know why I sent the message. I sent the message and then posted on here as I couldn't understand what's wrong with me. I just felt really sorry for him. That I knew he was alone and feeling shit and I just felt bad for him. I know that's not right but it's the truth.

As well as Alanon, you might want to check out Nacoa, which is run for the children (including adult children) of alcoholics. Counselling would be a great investment if you can afford it. Good luck!

This is not completely in your control,it’s embedded in your conscious and unconscious
Your validation is not dependent on being a Rescuer.You don’t need to save him,you don’t need to be there
This impacts upon you,is it what you want?or what you think you need to do?

I always found drinkers to be great fun, very charismatic, friendly, likeable, funny - even before I learn of the alcohol issue. So, I can see being drawn to them even before learning of their drinking problem.

Yes that edgy not constrained by societal norms can be very intoxicating

Read "Women who love too much". I think you will find it invredibly insightful and helpful. There are so many case studies on daughters of alcoholics in it.